I've ruined my life

[IanC]

Hi, I am new on here and in desperate need for help.

I have been married for nearly 24 years and have 2 sons, 20 and 22 who still live at home but will be moving to their own places in the next couple of months. I am 49 and my wife is 45.

Over the last few years I have been drinking a lot at home, I have been staying up late, getting up late and basically ignoring everything around me. I didn't realise this at the time, but I am an alcoholic. I have become overweight but my wife is as slim as ever.

My wife and I have had many discussions regarding my drinking and the fact that I have been killing myself. I have said on numerous ocassions that I will stop, and once did, for 2 months. I then seemed to think everything was Ok and grdaully started again.

My wife has become more distant over the last 2 or 3 weeks and it ended up with me asking her what the problem was. She said that she had got to the end (she had been crying alone in our bedroom and I never knew) of her tether. She had tried everything she could but our marriage was over. She doesn't find me physically attractive anymore and hasn't done for some time. She loves me but is not in love with me, she has to leave. She had already been planning to move into rented accomodation during the last 2 weeks but I didn't know or was too wound up in my own life that I never noticed. This happened 2 days ago and as she hasn't found another place yet, she is still here. She is sleeping on the couch now because being in the same bed just isn't right anymore. (that killed me as well)

On top of all that, I have been trying to run my own business for the last 4 years and that has now failed. My car has been repossessed and the tax man is making me bankrupt and taking our house to cover some of the debt.

I have been trying to cope with the business and financial situation but have been reverting to alcohol to numb the pain. I never drink before 5 pm and have tried to carry on working my business, but if I have a drink I don't know when to stop.

My world has now literally fallen apart. I realise that I am the cause of the breakdown and have discussed this with my wife. I have also signed up with Alcholics Anonymous and have STOPPED drinking. It's ruined my whole life.

I am so afraid an upset and can't stop crying. My wife says that I needed this and I have to sort myself out. I have suggested couple counselling but she says it's too late for anything now and she has to go. I feel so desperate and need to know if there's even a glimmer of hope for the future.

She has said that she still cares for me and she has to go before things get nasty, she doen't want that. She says she will always be there for support at the end of the telephone and wants us to remain friends.

I feel the need to ask her over and over again to stay, but I am afraid this will push her away. I can't think of any future without her. I don't know whether it would be better if she went sooner rather than later to help us both come to terms with it. It all appears so final, she's told our 2 sons, our friends, her mother, and I've told my parents. She has made plans to have the pets rehomed.

I am going to be left alone in a house that will taken from me, with no money, no business, no marriage and it feels like no hope.

I know that I can make myself better and cure the drinking and get a job but I can't face the prospect of her leaving.

Do you think there is any hope for us?. I need to know but am too afraid to ask her. She has said that she has no plans for the future but just needs to be alone.

I can't stop feeling that I have thrown everything away and that I realise this and want to make it better. It's all my fault and I wish I had listened to her more.

[Seacailin]

Hi Ian and Welcome
I am so sorry for all of the things that you are going through right now, but as long as you have a pulse, there is Hope!! You have had sober time before, and you can do it again, but you must do it for yourself! Your wife just may need some space right now. All you can do is try your best to recover and the people around you will see a huge difference in you. I also allowed Alcohol to remove all of the good things from my life. I am divorced, have lost numerous jobs, and am facing foreclosure on my condo. Alcohol will not make any of these things go away. I have not had a drink in 35 days, and things are slowly getting better. At least I can show up to work everyday and continue to try and improve my financial situation. The rest is out of my hands. I too go to AA. I know it is not for everyone, but I find it helpful. There is a lot of helpful knowledge there and here at MWO. A good place to start is to read the MWO book, and arm yourself with some of the supplements, vitamins etc...Some people find the Topamax helpful. I am not using that, as my doc was not familiar with it's off-label use for alcoholism. She did advocate for Campral, but I have no insurance and was not able to afford it. I also recommend that you work with your doctor if possible, especially if you have withdrawal symptoms. I brought the MWO book to my doctor. She was very intrigued. We went over all of the meds and supps together to devise a plan for me. I wish you well as you begin this journey to save your life. We will be here for you.

[AAthlete]

There is always hope, but you have to be willing to fix yourself - and do it only for you.

One of the tenets of AA is acceptance..... Acceptance that everything happens for a reason, what's done is done, and only you can change you.

I was a binge away from losing my wife and young son before I truly admitted I had a problem and sought help. I was lucky - I didn't end up losing them. I know that it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, that there is no reason to have hope, but I would disagree with you. Like the phoenix that rises from the ashes you too can emerge as a better person. Does that mean that your wife will be with you? Don't know, but you need to be willing to accept (there's that word again) that as a possibility otherwise why even try?

Being in AA is a great first step and it helped me (and continues to help me) get sober and content with my life. I wish nothing but the best for you, no matter what happens. Remember that you can't do anything about the past and can't control the future, so just worry about today.

Peace

[A Work in Progress]

It's GREAT you have started with AA, and you are not drinking. Go to a LOT of meetings, get a GOOD sponsor (someone you have a lot of respect for), and as for everything else: take it slow. Don't spend mental time and mental energy worrying and obsessing about the future. Do what has to be done today, today. Tomorrow, do the same. Take it easy. Get your mind and body and brain back to a reasonably healthy state, then and only then can you begin to look past the next 24 hours or so...

And do stick around here, post a lot, read a lot...

best wishes,

wip

[shirazgirl]

I am sorry that you are so sad. That must be terrible facing all of those things and the prospect of losing your wife.

Like all the previous posts, continue AA if it is helpful. Go to see your doctor and maybe then can help.

You may feel hopeless now, but the more AF days you get, the better you will feel. Trust me, you have you to hope for.

Keep posting and we are here to help.

[gatorgirl]

So sorry for your pain but many of us have been that desperate. The best advice I can give is take action, can you update your resume getr another job? Find a room to rent until you get on your feet. Action-talk with a dr. maybe antidepressants are called for. Action--make appt. with irs or lawyer to take that pressure off. we often hide our head in the sand hoping things will get better. Actions will not only make you feel stronger and less hopeless. Make a plan and take action on each step. AA helps but is not a be all end all. As you take positive steps your wifw will notice and maybe things can get better, she cares for you just can't live life like this anymore. ACTION

[Sheepish]

Ian
I too am sorry that you are in so much pain. My only comment is that you are asking (reasonable) but unknowable questions right now... will you and your wife work it out? From the way you have described it- This is unknowable at present and maybe the best thing you can do is try and take care of yourself right now- which means addressing your drinking issue. I know for me- when I address my drinking issue other things seem to get better, almost as a 'by product' . That is not to say this is easy at all or that I am always successful. But as AAthlete says, the only thing you can do anything about is today, and yourself.
Wishing you much strength
-Sheep

[Starlight Impress Forever]

Hi Ian,
I`m sorry for your distress, and I know your wife`s leaving must feel as if the bottom is falling out of your world.The truth is that the bottom is very often falling out of our world long before we ever admit to that being the case.......your marriage may or may not be over (only time will tell)........marriages don`t fall apart overnight.......this has been happening gradually over a long period of time. Spouses and partners of alcoholics sometimes eventually tire of broken promises,and........who are we to blame them for simply having had enough of the alcoholic in us??

Please don`t despair.......use your wife leaving as the wake-up call it is.......you`re being forced to take a long,hard look at yourself.......look deep within yourself, to the man you used to be and........to the man you can become once more.

Bankruptcy and financial ruin are not the worst things that can befall us in life.......there is no greater pain than losing the one/s we love.

Your wife is simply worn out with all the stress of your alcoholism. Now is your chance to prove to her that you`re still the man she married. There is much hope here.

I wish you the best,

Darling x

[one2many]

Ian,

There is ALWAYS hope, as long as you have a breath inside you..you have hope. You are WORTH saving but only YOU can do it.
Please take on board the good advice that people have given you here...only you can heal your life and I think that you have taken great steps already..

You have Stopped drinking, sourced AA and come here.......well done for that, you are now on your way...it will be a long road and a hard road but you WILL get there.

We are all here for you, rooting for you and willing you to suceed, stay close to the boards, post as much as you need and read loads.....

wishing you every blessing and good wish on the start of your journey and remember...we are here if you need us!

Love,
o2m

[Popeye]

Hello Ian,

There are many people here who have lost partners and jobs...everything.
All I can say is that if your wife does go, don't give up
You have to look after yourself; get yourself sorted out. You say you're not an alcoholic, but there is an obvious drink problem which you will have to address.
MWO is a wonderful place. It has helped me and many others truly appreciate how not alone we are.
There is lots of advice and help from people who have similar issues to you.
Perhaps if you can show your lady, over time, the man that you want her to see, things may turn out the way you want.
I am still a work in progress and I don't mean to preach.
Please stay with us.