Its time to step up

[freeme]

I have been looking at this site for a little while - as well as reading books about drinking and knowing I have a problem but also had a problem in that I just enjoy drinking too much!
I have had two non-consecutive days in the past two weeks without alcohol....I felt wonderful the next day and promised myself that I would continue...however, I look to find any reason to reach for my wine - especially if sober one night - the next I shall tell myself that I no longer have a problem and celebrate that by getting drunk.
The other night my 11 year old daughter came home from a late movie as its school holidays. The next morning she came and showed me photos of me passed out on her camera. That night, after promising to give up, I was pretending to drink tea while I had wine in my tea cup and got plastered again. I usually drink alone and have done since my husband died three years ago (through suicide) and left me and three very young children. So I used to believe my drinking was a "situational" thing and that I could easily control it.
It is very difficult to do and today i woke up hungover and promised myself I wouldnt drink and now its 3.40pm and I am thinking of ways that I can justify my drinking tonight as my 11 year old is not home and then I can start afresh tomorrow.
I need help as I pass out nearly every night and get up every morning and go and help others with similar problems and others (I am a psychologist) and have slowly realised that my drinking has become so ingrained in my life that I cant seem to think of anything else and get freaked out if there is none in the house. I know I have put my childrens lives in jeopardy and that destroys me and also putting my own life in jeopardy which would make my children orphans....but now I am physically addicted.
Would dearly love any help or suggestions....I have started a journal today and am determined to be honest with myself as I need help.
I feel so alone and afraid which I am gathering is very normal with this addiction.
I will keep reading the posts as I am finding them really helpful!
thanks so much

[LVT25]

Hi there,

Thanks for sharing so honestly. Since you like to read, have you read "My Way Out" yet/ It can be downloaded or purchased here. I think its a great program. I think you realize you have a problem, and its time to do something about it. There are a lot of success stories here, and lots of support. I myself started here the end of February--I was drinking 8-10 beers almost every night, and now I haven't had any alcohol for 50 days. Plus no real desire for it. Because it can be dangerous to detox, its best to talk to your doctor before quitting though. Hang in there--it is so worth it-- your kids need you--all of you!

[SpiritGirl]

Hi,

As you will soon find out, there are so many of us that can relate to your situation and your desperate desire to change. I have a 14 yr daughter, a 13 yr old son and a 19 yr old step-daughter (whom, although I am divorced from her father, I am still raising and putting through college). My drinking was not always out of control. During and after my divorce is when it progessed. There were many factors that lead me to the comfort of "self-medicating" with alcohol - lonliness, new-founded freedom from a miserable relationship, boredom and the fact that I simply LOVE the taste of good wine. It makes me feel good - the taste, the "buzz". UNTIL NOW... It progressed from a social desire, to a comfort, to an obsession. It started to get in the way of so many important things to me - my appearance, my work ethic and most importantly my roll as a mother. I often times made promises to my children that I didn't remember or simply were too outrageous to follow through with. I acted completely inappropiately in front of them, often times embarassing them. I spent WAY too much time in bed with a hangover when I could have been "hanging" with my kids. Home cooked dinners became less and less. And my house was not kept up in a manner that a mother should. My problem progressed. And I am sorry to say that I believe yours will too if you are not able to make changes...

You are so blessed to have found this website. Because of the community here I just completed my 21st day of being alcohol free. When I first joined MWO my goal was to learn tools to "control" my drinking. I was not ready to accept the idea of not drinking anymore at all. And there are many people who come here and DO learn tools to moderate. I, however, am becoming ADDICTED to no hangovers. I am becoming addicted to cleaning my house, spending more time talking with my kids, grocery shopping, watering the flowers, laughing and smiling! My head doesn't hurt anymore... I enjoy my mornings with a cup of coffee and checking in here or reading a magazine. I am becoming more and more addicted to feeling GOOD on a daily basis.

This change has been an adjustment. Very tough at times. But it is SO worth it. The benefits are ten fold and I can look at myself in the mirror without self loathing. Although my original plan was to moderate, I am at a point that I don't want to take a chance of giving this new feeling up. And thanks to the people here that share their stories, I have learned through their mistakes! Which is why we are here - to find support when we need it and to give support when we have it.

Do not feel alone and afraid anymore. I have not been able to share any of this with anyone outside of MWO and I do not feel alone in my journey at all. And thanks to the advice and comraderie of the others here I have had 3 weeks completely free of the burden of alcohol. I wish for the same peace for you.....

Stick around and embrace all the support I know that you are going to find here...

[freeme]

thanks so much for the encouragement - I read the posts with tears streaming down my cheeks and the absolute relief that I have opened up at last

[Bandit]

Hi freeme and welcome!
Just to say hello and to say keep coming to the site for advice and support. I have been around here a few months now and have gone from a nightly drinking habit to now really questioning my drinking habits and doing something about them. I have managed quite a few AF days lately and feel so much better for them. I have drank three days this July so far and felt so crap the next day in each case, it's just not worth it and drink is no good for me. I am a psychologist too by the way so I know where you are coming from on the work front - I feel so hypocritical giving advice that I cannot even stick to myself.
Best Wishes,

Bandit

[startingover]

Hi Free,
This site is amazing and the people SO very supportive. You are not alone. I can completely resonate with your story. You have made the right decision to help yourself.
All the very best of luck on your journey. You can do it you know.
x

[jessie]

Hi Freeme,
Your story is so familiar to mine. Divorce(s), loneliness, the stress of raising young children all alone, and the "freedom" of not being accountable and being able to drink without anyone knowing. My kids were to small to notice or know! And then the disease progressed and progressed. But there is hope and lots of it. This site has helped me tremendously and my re-commitment to studying the Bible and growing spiritually has brought me to the point where I have more AF days every month and are actually on day 9 AF today,9 consecutive days. A year ago I was drinking myself to sleep every single night.
Take heart - you have reached turning point. A lot of us use Antabuse and that helps the first couple of days or weeks.
I'm sending you love and support.
Jessie.

[freeme]

Well, after drinking last night today is the day when I will be AF!
I am nervous and scared and VERY excited!
I am so tired of being in the trap - I want to lead a normal life and get things done!
I have brought the book - downloaded it - and cant wait to get home tonight to print it and read it.
I will be spending time looking through all the posts as I find them so inspirational.
Thanks everyone for the support!

[DeeBee]

Hi Freeme,

My thoughts are with you on your first AF day!!!

[Sunbeam]

I guess you know that journalling can be a great tool for self improvement. And here, you get support and lots of feedback with individual perspectives.

Remember that you deserve to get your life back. Make a plan that can work for you. Others will tell you what worked for them, but only you can decide your own plan and steps. If you have already gone AF for a day or two without terrible things happenening, I don't personally believe you need to see a doctor. So much depends on how much alcohol you have been consuming, over what timeframes. I know I would die before fessing up to my doctor, though in all honesty he probably suspected my problem.

Reading and posting here no matter what is the most powerful tool.