My Brother's Story

[Palatia]

I thought I'd share this because it came up in chat a little bit last night...and I know he'd want me to share it here..

If you ever wonder if you're doing the right thing... if you ever feel like having a drink or binging to make everything go away... think about this story, because this is how it can end...

My brother lived mostly a very troubled life.. some abuse at the hands of my dad as a kid and into 'pot' as a teenager, heavy. He was a VEry warm and friendly guy, almost everyone liked him. He became a 'drunk' as an adult.. He was my big brother. A great big brother, always protective, always concerned, even when he was drunk.

He was almost 16 (a month shy) when the first accident happened. Back then, the drinking age here was 18. He passed for 18 easily with his long hair and mustache. He and 3 friends went up to Lookout Mtn to Sam's, a 3.2% bar. Of course they got hammered. THey came down the back way, with his best friend Mike driving, who was 17. Two other guys in the back seat. THey hit a curve going God only knows how fast... My brother was in the hospital for a month with two broken legs, crushed face (he was now half made of metal with plates and pins). He had his 16th birthday in the hospital. Mike was killed in the accident. THe other two in the back walked away.

One day on his way to work (he worked at the same lumber yard as my day) at the age of 21, somehow he got shot in the stomach. Drove himself to the hospital and collapsed in the ER as he walked in... he lived.

He was married and had two kids that my SIL was told she would never had. He loved those kids... dam he loved to see them laugh, play...

DUring the course of his drinking adulthood, he had been beaten up behind a bar with baseball bats, and countless other 'little' incidents. He was also permantently disabled from the first car accident.

Mostly he walked around with a pint in his inside pocket. Almost always was so blasted, it was sure he was in 'blackout' mode. His eyes were open but no one was home.

At one point, he got a DUI (I'm not sure how many he had) and was put on mandatory antabuse. He did okay for a week I think. THen he was drinking Heavily on the antabuse, and proud of it! Most of the family didn't realize what this would do to his liver, but of course everyone was powerless to do anything about it.

He did check himself into a rehab some time later and loved it... he said it was like a spa. He stayed sober for one year. And of course as this disease goes, it's progressive, so when he started in again, he eventually surpassed what he had been drinking before.

Longer story less long... at the age of 38 he had an apartment, he and his wife were separated and his 3rd grade son lived with him. He was on disability so he could start drinking first thing in the morning, when my nephew went to school. He started caretaking a neighbor lady who was about dead from cancer. SHe had no one else. One morning, they started drinking early as usual. My dad happened to drive by the apts and saw him walking away from the bus stop where my nephew had just been picked up. THat was the last time he saw him alive.

I'm at work later that day... get a call from my dad.... "THere's an apt fire on the news, and it looks like Kevins!!!".. OMG... It was. Went to my parents. After I pulled in, my dad runs in the house, hysterical. My brother was dead. and so was the other lady. The fire had engulfed the entire building, the stairs to his apt were no longer there..

It was determined the fire started in her apartment by a cigarette that fell behind a couch. My brother had passed out before he even knew there was a fire... Some said they saw people in the window of the apartment but the fire department ws on the other side of the building, and had been told no one was inside. At any rate, my brother was dead at the age of 38. If he'd been sober, he probably would have gotten out. It was a BIG funeral.. he was loved.

I think the real kicker is that I found out after the fire that he had severe liver disease from having drank so heavy on antabuse. He would have died anyway, it seemed. My dad told me privately the night he died that he had almost expected that call for the last 20 years.. He had lived with the fear of hearing his son was dead in some accident because it was always something...

This is a reminder of how this can end (for me as much as anyone else). I hope we can all take to heart that this disease can end in DEATH... accidents as much as health issues.

[greenhouse1]

Thank you so much for sharing your brother's story. I don't know what to say, it really shook me up a bit. What a tragic thing to happen and obviously because of the alcohol.

Love and Peace to you

[greeneyes]

Thanks P. Telling that story took a lot of courage. Shook me up too. Not often that I find myself speechless. But I am.

[MyOwnWoman]

Wow. Thanks for sharing your story, and the powerful reminder of how deadly alcohol can be.

[Palatia]

Sorry if it was too heavy for some.. but it's just the truth..

Why, you ask, didn't I take his story to heart sooner? I have no answer for that. I think because sometimes we (I) would point fingers at someone else who appeared to be worse off than us (me), in order to make ourselves (myself) look not 'so bad'. "Gee.. I don't have a problem like that.".

Total denial, that's what that is...

[Palatia]

oh.. I do have to add that too many times I've gotten up to cigarette burns in the carpet (sometimes with the cig still there but out!) and realized.. that my family and I could have died.. or that the doors were all unlocked... or that I brought some stranger home from a bar who might have given me any number of diseases... sheesh. I'm not that bad? *stark look in the mirror*

[Bandit]

Hi Palatia,
Your brother's story really struck a chord with me.
I have done some really incredibly stupid things in the past where I have not just put myself in danger but also that of others - going off to parties with people I did not know, smoking in bed and waking up with ciggy burns etc (TG I gave up smoking about 8 years ago), waking up in bed with my boss (especially bad when in his own house and his wife worked in the same place! - OMG - foolishy kept this relationship up for awhile - his wife didn't understand him - can't believe I fell for that!) but what really has made me question my behaviour is now that I have two young kids I have a few times put their lives at risk by being drunk.
Whatever about me and my own risky behavour it cannot be excused when they are here.
I have been 'spared' so many times by what could have been - what if my luck ran out?
Thanks for sharing that story as I am sure it brought pain to you to do so and my heart also goes out to your dad and family for having to go through it.
Best Wishes,
Bandit

[CS04]

Palatia,
Thanks for sharing. Very difficult story; all the difficult things we've done. And hard to talk about.

CS

[jinja]

Hi P

Such a upsetting story of loss! My heart goes out to you and your family.

I had forgotten, but a girlfriend of mine’s ex died of liver failure about 10 years ago. After waking up yet again to a bed swamped in urine, she had had enough but stayed with him to the end as a friend and support. He just could not clean up – rehab etc had short lived results and he couldn’t get onto the transplant list until he had been dry for a year and phsyc reports supported his intention to remain so. Basically, a very slow suicide with only himself to be the one to stop it. He was 28.

I think a difficult aspect of this ‘disease’ is that the realisation and need for change has to come from within. No-one else can trigger this. I have been ‘spoken at’ many times over the years, but only now (3 weeks ago) my trigger was released. If I am talking out of right field here and insult anyone, I am truly sorry. I just feel that with other diseases, if the option of medication and will power would enable remission or survival, it would be such a brilliant solution. With AL, it is not such an easy equation and I feel that many misconceptions about this disease is due to this. “How can someone self-destruct in this way?” “Why??” A very sad truth of addiction – so much loss.

Thank you so much for share this story Palatia.

Take care
Xxx