My own story

[cessation]

I have never been happy. I had a wretched childhood (hasn't everyone?) and was physically abused by my mother. I have suffered from major depression my entire life, and have been on zoloft, prozac, and some other antidepressants, but around the age of 22 I found something else that worked a lot better. I'm sure you can guess what that is.

My first problem occured in 2000. I went to a party, had a lot to drink, and did the responsible thing and spent the night, instead of driving home drunk. Well, the next day, I drove home and got pulled over for speeding. The cop is suspicious of me drinking so he arrests me and takes me into the station. After I take a breath test, I get a .18! Keep in mind I did not feel hung over, much less drunk!

Alcohol really doesn't affect me like other people - I can drink 2 or more bottles of wine and feel great the next morning. Anyway, two years later I commit the fatal sin - I ran out of alcohol! So I have to drive to the store and get more, right! (I don't even remember doing this -obviously I was not thinking clearly). I got my second DUI that night.
I was sentenced to 60 days in jail - but was told I could serve that time in a sober living recovery program. I chose that option, and did the program. I hated it, but that was the longest time I have been alcohol free since I began drinking.

Sadly but predictably I started drinking again. I tried to be much, much more careful, and so far have not had any major problems again. I work as a computer programmer, and I am very good at what I do. I have been with the same company for seven years, and I am known as an excellent worker. I have received raises and bonuses every year I have been here.

I am all alone. What few friends I had have moved away, and the closest family member is over an hour and a half away. At work we communicate through email, so I can literally go for over a week or more without saying a word to anyone the entire day. I have no support system whatsoever. If I died, the world wouldn't care, or even notice.

So why do I want to quit drinking? Well, it just isn't working for me anymore. It is causing big problems with my sleeping, and when I wake up in the morning I feel dehydrated and sick, not perfectly fine like before. My hair is falling out, my wounds are not healing and it is causing skin problems. I realize that I am dying, and no one cares except me. I need to do this for me, and no one else.

[missy64]

First of all I would like to say that we at MWO would very much care if something were to ever happen to one of our family....We all have made mistakes and need to know that it doesn't make us bad people...... we are still ok and deserve more.......It can and will change....You have already taken the first steps.... Just remember that you and only you can make those changes..... And for support.......Well... you will always find alot of that here.....Take care of yourself and stick around....this place is filled with really wonderful people.....Just like you!!!


Sandra

[Miso]

Welcome Cess,

I am glad you found this site. I hope you will find the "push" you are looking for. For me, when I first joined, I just read and read and read. I couldn't believe how familar so many of the "stories" were. So many of them could have been written by me.

I am sorry that the sober living recovery program didn't work for you. However, one thing that I have learned is that the drinker has to want to CHANGE. We can hate our drinking, but doing something about it involves making changes. Change (even when it's good, can be scary). I have drank for more than half of my life (I'm 48), with my consumption going up and up over the last several years. I have lost relationships with friends and family all in some way alcohol related, whether it was my behavior while drinking or the isolation I created with my drinking. Anyway, knowing how alcohol was responsible for a lot of my loneliness an other problems still wasn't enough to make me "change". I often wonder how successful those "interventions" you see on tv are, because the people are being forced to go, kind of like you were to the sober living program. The old adage (and I'm not trying to be flippant) "you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink" well... "you can force a person to a place that keeps them from drinking but you can't keep them from drinking once they leave." The point I'm trying to make is that stopping or moderating (whatever a person's goal is) HAS to come from within that person. No one can do it for you. Yes, there are many wonderful facilities that help people get to "that place", but it is ultimately up to each person to do it for themselves.

I hope so much you find your way. I still can't believe I have been af (alcohol free) for 110 days. Change can happen, but it takes a lot of work. I found taking the supplements really helped me a lot.

I hope you find the strength in yourself that it sounds like you have. Best of luck to you. Keep on coming back. Read and post, it really does help.

Miso

[retteacher]

Cessation: Alcoholism is incredibly isolating. If you can begin by coming to MWO, you'll at least begin to break some of the isolation of having a problem & being alone w/it.

Perhaps you could start by going to your doctor & speaking w/him/her about this. You might need detox.

Good luck & keep coming here to MWO & joining in the forums. Share as much as you can.

Many of us are in 12 step progs (AA, Alanon) which is a major way you could break out of your isolation.

Mary

[Beaches]

Welcome Cessation and thanks for sharing your story. Most of us come here because we have just had enough. Enough of the hangovers, enough of the regret.

If you stay here and really throw yourself into the boards you will learn and experience so much. I have.

Welcome Again

[Doggygirl]

Welcome Cessation. Thank you for baring your soul to us. Many, many of us here understand exactly what a lonely sport drinking can become. I hope you will reach out to all of us here at MWO. The community is very diverse in every way except one - we ALL have one thing in common - our battle with the bottle.

You mention symptoms such as wounds not healing (I assume you mean physical things?) and hair falling out. Those can be symptoms of a number of different problems (and I'm not a doctor) but some of the possible problems associated with those symptoms, such as diabetes type 2 or other hormone imbalance problems are not helped by alcohol. So there are lots of good reasons to stop the madness!

Please stop in and share your thoughts and the ways we might be able to help.

Hugs to you,

DG
********

[evie]

cessation,
you sound very lonely, please stay on this site as it has many many caring people who really understand where you are.
It is great that you have come to a place where you care about yourself. Have you ever had any councelling about your childhood? Yes many of us (me included) have had a tough time growing up and I have had some help to come to terms with this and I think it is important so that I could leave it to rest. I know I use al to stop feelings but as I have been cutting down I've needed the support to deal with the feelings that have surfaced.
I think zinc deficiency is the reason you are not healing, al depletes zinc big time.
Stay around, don't give up, you are special!
lol Evie

[cessation]

Originally Posted by missy64

First of all I would like to say that we at MWO would very much care if something were to ever happen to one of our family....We all have made mistakes and need to know that it doesn't make us bad people...... we are still ok and deserve more.......It can and will change....You have already taken the first steps.... Just remember that you and only you can make those changes..... And for support.......Well... you will always find alot of that here.....Take care of yourself and stick around....this place is filled with really wonderful people.....Just like you!!!


Sandra

Thank you so much Sandra, that's a very kind thing to say...!

Originally Posted by Miso

The point I'm trying to make is that stopping or moderating (whatever a person's goal is) HAS to come from within that person. No one can do it for you. Yes, there are many wonderful facilities that help people get to "that place", but it is ultimately up to each person to do it for themselves.
Miso

Hi Miso, I totally understand your point. There was a nice quote I read, which was something like this "Most people don't care whether or not you are sober. Most people don't even care if you are alive or dead."

I realize it is entirely up to me. Now, I am just seaching for those "wonderful facilities"...!

Originally Posted by retteacher

Cessation: Alcoholism is incredibly isolating.
Mary

It is (!), and I seem to have taken this to an extreme degree.

Originally Posted by retteacher

Perhaps you could start by going to your doctor & speaking w/him/her about this. You might need detox.
Mary

I am very hesitant in going to a doctor and having this blacken my medical records, and affect my job. And I think - what is a doctor going to do? Say to me: "You need to stop drinking." I already know this! And any prescription he could give me I will research myself and order through river pharmacy or the like.

Originally Posted by retteacher

Many of us are in 12 step progs (AA, Alanon) which is a major way you could break out of your isolation.
Mary

When I went through my sober living program, it was AA-based, and we were required to go every day. I have been to over 100 meetings.

I found them extremely off-putting.

The reason? They are based on religion.

I am an atheist, and not religious/supernaturally inclined in the slightest.

Over half of the 12 steps are directly dealing with 'God', asked you to turn over your problems, etc.

It's about as logical as asking the tooth fairy to remove your desire to drink. Absolute insanity.

Originally Posted by retteacher

Good luck & keep coming here to MWO & joining in the forums. Share as much as you can.
Mary

Thank you, I will do that...!

Originally Posted by Beaches

Welcome Cessation and thanks for sharing your story. Most of us come here because we have just had enough. Enough of the hangovers, enough of the regret.

If you stay here and really throw yourself into the boards you will learn and experience so much. I have.

Welcome Again

Thank you Beaches!

Consider myself thrown...!

Originally Posted by Doggygirl

You mention symptoms such as wounds not healing (I assume you mean physical things?) and hair falling out. Those can be symptoms of a number of different problems (and I'm not a doctor) but some of the possible problems associated with those symptoms, such as diabetes type 2 or other hormone imbalance problems are not helped by alcohol. So there are lots of good reasons to stop the madness!
DG

I don't have diabetes, but I am unsure about any hormone imbalance problems...
I do have hypoglycemia, and I am anemic.

At the time I wrote that post, I did mean physical things... but now I see it is much more than that.

Originally Posted by evie

cessation,
you sound very lonely, please stay on this site as it has many many caring people who really understand where you are.
lol Evie

I am. Very.

Originally Posted by evie

cessation,

It is great that you have come to a place where you care about yourself. Have you ever had any councelling about your childhood? Yes many of us (me included) have had a tough time growing up and I have had some help to come to terms with this and I think it is important so that I could leave it to rest. I know I use al to stop feelings but as I have been cutting down I've needed the support to deal with the feelings that have surfaced.
lol Evie

No, I have not had any counselling.

Originally Posted by evie

I think zinc deficiency is the reason you are not healing, al depletes zinc big time.
lol Evie

Hi Evie... Zinc? Wow, that's interesting. I had no idea. Thank you for cluing me in...!

[Doggygirl]

Hi Cessation. Here is to healing and LIVING again in every possible way! I hope you are having a good weekend and are feeling positive about taking the next steps for yourself and your life.

DG
Day 11 AF ***********