My story

[evie]

Well I have been dipping into this site for a while. Now I really need help and support to change. This is my story as best I can tell it.
I have been dipping into this site for well over a year and haven't dared to share too much of myself. There is too much shame and disgrace involved. Most people will probably say 'what in the world is her problem?' She has a loving mum and a dad and has a husband and children. Why is she here? I ask these questions many many times a day but just know I have a problem that I feel I didn't ask for. Its just there and needs dealing with.

I had a very happy childhood until my parents split up when I was 9. My parents had married as a result of expecting me. It was almost the perfect childhood as I was confident and secure in my family life. At about the same time as my parents split up my Nan(dads mum) had a serious stroke. She had played a very vital role in my upbringing but after this was very disabled. I felt that a rock in my life had fallen away. My Grandad I learned later was an alcoholic and gave up drinking to look after her. He is still alive to this day.
My dad found another woman which totally threw my mum. She had depended on Dad ( her father had killed himself when she was 13).
I started suffering from migraines then. My Mum and Dad both remarried other people and my mum had another child when I was 12. I lived with my mum but spent 2 night s a week with my dad.
The relationship with my dad and his wife deteriorated quickly. She was very jealous of me and my brother and when I was with them it was obvious that me and my brother were not the major concern.
My stepdad did his best but I always felt an outsider and never felt I belonged anywhere.
My mum focussed on her relationship with him so I never felt secure.
I developed anorexia nervosa but managed to eat enough after I realised what I had wrong with me
To cut a long story short, I had a psychotic breakdown whilst doing my exams for university. I was due to go to medical school but didn't get the grades.
I married when I was 21 and got my degree in maths at 23. I rarely drank at all. My weight was always very low. I drank to help myself eat, it kicked in my appetite. was given ADs as very depressed.
After graduating I got a good job. After a spell of eating well I became pregnant, had a lovely boy(he is now 9!) . I started to drink more to cope with feelings, became pregnant again. This time I was very ill, I didn't manage to eat well at all. After the baby (another boy- now 7!) I was sectioned in hosp with PND. I overdosed about 8 times - this was by far the worst year of my life.
After 6 months in hosp with some input from a specialist eating disorder unit I managed to get myself on some even keel. Only to land myself back in hosp 9 months later at bmi of 13.
Had 10 months in ED unit. Had loads of support and councelling. Came out and with constant support managed to be at home with my boys and be a good enough mother.
Have had another child and as I have managed to eat well enough to keep on an even keel, I have found I've been drinking to help the anxiety.
Now I drink a bottle of wine in one night. I've managed to cut this down, but it is so so hard, every evening I don't drink the old anorexoa kicks in and I struggle so much with the thoughts and struggle big time to eat. I feel tormented whatever road I take.
Now that is my story and I don't want any sympathy as I realise I am very blessed to still be here and have 3 beautiful children.
My hope is that I can see them grow up and to see their children.
Sorry if this has been such a long drawn out story

[WA]

Evie Thanks for sharing...I know its not only abused kids that go to AL..I also have learnt from this site...young AL picks on the best...he sees you have a heart then plays on it...just stay here and we will help you anytime...sending Love...xxx
Jacqui xxx

[petpeeve]

Evie, stick with us, i am sorry i cannot stay on too long right now but wanted to let you know we are here for you........I'll check in a bit later if I can....

[evie]

Thank you Jacqui and petpeeve,
Its means loads that you have replied to me! I feel very vulnerable having shared this; I do so much thank u for you replies
lol Eviexx

[Doggygirl]

Hi Evie. Thank you so much for pouring out your heart here. I'm sure that was very hard to do. I wish I could give you a big fat hug in person (I'm a huggy type!). But since I can't do that, I hope you will accept a cyber hug.

While I didn't go through parents separating, one of my best girlfriend's husband left her when her sone was 9 years old. I think that is a very vulnerable age to go through a family split. My friend's son has really struggled. I know that doesn't help you - but hopefully it shows some understanding of how difficult a separation can be (and then subsequent re-marriages and step families).

I personally experienced anorexia as a teenager. I was a child athlete and my Mom basically controlled my life. I never had counseling over it, and at the time, anorexia wasn't even well known or talked about. But in looking back on that time of life, I think it was about *me* being able to control some aspect of my life that nobody else could touch. I controlled what went in (or more accurately, what DIDN'T go in) my mouth. I'm not sure how it happened, but I sort of snapped out of it on my own - and I feel lucky for that. I am so sorry that you are still haunted with this problem - especially when you work on stopping the booze, which is a different but equally destructive problem.

I hope you don't mind me asking this - are you still seeing a counselor? Having the anorexic thoughts and behaviors kicking back in when you stop drinking worries me a lot. 13 bmi is very, very scary. I know that people who don't understand probably say "what's the matter?? Just eat! I would love to be skinny and NEED to eat pizza and ice cream!!" But it doesn't work that easily and I know it. Given the size of this community, I'm sure there are others here who can directly relate as well.

Please let us know how we can help you!! You deserve a beautiful life for yourself and your kids. Are there some simple, short terms goals you are striving for? I'm just talking about doable goals - what you can do today and maybe tomorrow to inch yourself in a positive direction for you.

I hope to get to know you better and share this journey.

DG

[Thankful]

Evie, it's so hard when we share so much of ourselves. Thank you for finding the inner strength to do that.

I too was wondering if you were seeing an outside counselor since being in the hospital. There must be someone out there you can help you with this issue. Anorexoa has been in the public eye for so long now that there has to be specialists out there who can offer some help.

Please keep us informed about your progress. I wish I had some sort of advise. But we are here for you none the less.

Sending hugs your way.

Love, Me

[Aunty Mame]

Evie,

thank you for this and I can understand how vulnerable it makes you feel.

I read something a few years ago about how when we have stuff happen to us when we are a child, there will always be a bit of us that remains at that age until the hurt has been healed. A very wise friend of mine suggested that I find a photo of myself at the age that I was when my own damage occurred and stick it on the fridge. When I started to feel hurt/upset/down that I would picture the child that I was, and think about what that child needed most .... and mostly it was lots of love and affirmation.

I think this is a great thing to do for all those wonderful women out there who are so good at loving their kids to bits, and put their own needs at the back of the queue.

I love your posts Evie, and I wish you all the best

mame

[Lila]

Evie,
I've been reading all your posts, and sort of been following your progress. I am so glad you got thru your bad spell, and it is great reading all your other posts.
I have 3 kids, too. They are a huge gift. But I'm sure glad they're going to their dads this weekend.

My mom was pretty cold to us when we were younger - not at all affectionate. I see in her old age she seems to be missing the warmth, and when we hug in my family of origin, it always feels fake, contrived. I am glad I didn't create that distance in my young ones.

Auntie Mame, that made me cry - to have a picture of ourselves at the age when the damage occurred...very young for me. Maybe I will do that.

Thanks for sharing your story, Evie, glad you're here.

Lila

[evie]

Hi all!
I just wrote this long reply to your responses and then was told I'd been logged off!
How frustrating is that!
To cut it short I just wanted to thank you for responding to me, especially
doggy - for the hug!
lila - give you a big hug that your mum didn't give much ( that made me sad)
aunty mame- I hate looking at pictures of me! but yes the crux is we need to give ourselves acceptance to love others.
Yes I've had help for the eating but as this got better I also drank more to cope with the feelings so as I'm now cutting out the al so these feelings rise again. Life is not easy!
Yes I am very blessed and want to life my life as a thanks for all I have been given! (without the old addictive parts)
Its not easy and I really appreciate all you out there who struggle like me
lots of love
Evie

[Doggygirl]

Well Evie, since you liked that first hug so much, here's another!!

OH WAIT!!! This is even better.

Hugs With Cool Tunes and Video!!

We can do this. We are beautiful people just waiting to come out of our shells. We are BETTER because of the challenges we have faced and overcome.

Have a great day Evie.

DG
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