My Worst Best Friends

[lostandlonely]

I don't really remember much of my childhood, so I live vicariously through pictures. That of which I don't really remember either. I do remember not feeling safe for a number of reasons. I was abused for years and years, truly I don't know when it started. That is probably why I don't remember most of my my childhood, as your brain has the most miraculous way of protecting you. I do remember when it ended, I thought it would be the first day of the rest of my life!!! Not really, I think that is really when my life really ended. I had alrady been striped of my innocence and all that was good, then I was made to tell a social worker I had made the whole thing up. By my own mother and grandmother. My life as I knew it ended right there. I was even forced back into situations where this person would be around. My whole life I figured I was not good enough to be protected by my own family. I was alone and turned to food at first. Becoming a bulimic for me happed over many years. Now I am full blown, and out of control with not only drinking but bulima. Over the years I have tried many attempts at suicide, one where I was even in a coma and had to have dialysis. At first my drinking was just a social thing starting in grade eight or nine. By late high school it was every weekend or sometimes during the week. My parents were the type who would rather me drink at home than get into troulbe. So they would supply it. In college is when everything went downhill, I was partying every night. I eventually was kicked out of my program, which is ironically child and youth work. I then met David the drug dealer who I was with for over a year, he swept me off my feet. I had never tried cocaine nor wanted to, I was happy drinking. but over the months of pressure I gave in, and found my new romance. As I was dating a dealer it was readily available anf FREE!!! I was doing it pretty much all the time seven days a week. Then miraculously his mother won the lottery and he decided that we were going to travel around Europe. It was the hardest thing I had to do, but I didn't go and it probably saved my life. I lied in bed for a week vomiting shaking and feeling like I was going to die. BUT I BEAT it haven't touched it since. I have a few times where I dabbled but maybe once a year. I shake my head everyday, and wonder if I can battle an addiction like that, why and the hell can't I quit binging and purging as well as drink. I also quit smoking on my own a year ago January, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG! I am thirty years old ladies and gentlemen and FU*&%D up my whole life. Well I guess someone else did that to me years ago. My fiance drinks quite a bit as well. He is Portuguese, and I know that will never change. I think they used to put it in their baby bottles as children. But I need and want to be well for myself. It will be a long and gruling road, as I now have the symptoms of withdrawl even during the day. I am ready and determined to hang my hat of these diseases.. Ifound that I began to maksed food with alcohol. Would cook dinner and make sure I was good and tipsy, then during dinner would have wine. Before you knew it I was well on my way to being plastered. Then the blackout, I would wake up the next day and do it all again. That has been my existence now for quite some time

[Accountable for Me]

You haven't f'd your whole life up!!! You are 30 and still have a whole lifetime ahead of you, to get what you deserve - happiness.

I had a shitttttty childhood too, and some other things that have happened in my life that I won't get into here.

The thing is you are in control of you. Look at what you have done already. You gave up smoking, you gave up the coke. You should be proud of that!!! Being in a relationship with a drinker brings about it's challenges when you want to quit, but it can be done.

Stick around here and my suggestion is to read a lot and post a lot. There are so many warm, loving people here that can help you along this journey.

Glad you found us!

[dexterhead]

Hi LandL: your story is heart-wrenching. But you sound strong and like you are ready to beat this. I don't know how much you are drinking regarding withdrawal issues. But, you are a lot younger than many of us and you have such a chance to remake your life. You have NOT f---ed up your whole life!!! You have a lot of it left, my friend. Please stick around and we will help each other !!
Just so you know, there are a number of people here who have survived not only childhood sexual abuse, but eating disorders. i hope you have or will get some therapy for this because it is a lot to deal with .. anyway, sending you hugs . you have found a great place!!

[Palatia]

Welcome lost.. hopefully you're starting to feel found!

Your story is one of incredible strength... wow.. Ditto on the read in here A Lot!!

I'm 46 and just now getting sober for real.. but after you get your story out.. and understand where you're at today.. you can move forward... Focus on healing..

Read some books on nutrition and eating disorders.. but I suggest focus on the outcome you want. I think sometimes when we focus on the 'vehicle we used', we get ourselves thinking too much about.. you know, the vehicle.. (AL, food, whatever it is).

You quit smoking!! Good for you.. I think that will be harder for me than quitting drinking..

[gemmy1]

I went through this too as a young child by my step grandfather and step uncle. It has haunted me everyday of my life. You however have found a great place to make your voice heard, I wish I had known about this place years ago. Maybe I wouldn't be where I am at today in my head. And ppl wonder why ppl drink? No one was there 4 us as kids. I can't even give you advice except for what I have read on these posts. I haven't even started yet going back that far. I am sure we will find help here. I'm here if you need to talk. I haven't made a committment yet to be Af just cutting back. For me its a safety ground as I feel I have failed at everything else in my life. I pray you can get the help you need here, don't end up like me after all these years I still feel angry but I think I have forgiven to try to heal the wounds. My mom died when I was 22 yrs old, I am a product of rape. We never got to finish the rest of the story so I could heal. She never got to heal she just died of cancer leaving 6 kids behind. I was the oldest , the youngest were twins they would turn 4 July 23rd 1983 she died July 3rd and another brother got married July 1st and wouldn't come to the hospital to even see my mom cuz it was his day! Pretty pathetic. My hubby went out and chewed azz, didn't do any good. I had 2 boys and worked fulltime. It was so hard, everyday I would cry but put on a stong face for work and I worked with the mentally retarded, They gave me such joy.
Just don't give up, I'll be here as well as many others.
It feels good to get this out, would have been better if someone would have listened when my cries for help were needed. I am a survivor and hope to someday close this chapter in my life but its just not now and may not ever close till the day I die.
Oh and by the way, you are not lost, you've just been found. Healing will come to all of us.
God Bless
Bonnie

[4theboyz]

Hello Lostand lonely,

My God I read stories here I would swear have to be made up sometimes but I know in my heart they are real and this greatly saddens me. You have been on a train ride from hell your whole life and you need to get off. I do not know your fiance' and in all fairness to him he may be the greatest guy in the world. But you really need to consider what a lifetime commitment to another person who may only continue to bring you down the bumpy road of alcohol and addiction. 30 years is more than enough abuse for anyone and you my dear have had enough I can tell. You deserve to live your life for you. The name of this site is My Way Out and it can help you find *Your* Way out. Good luck my friend!

[lostandlonely]

Originally Posted by 4theboyz

Hello Lostand lonely,

My God I read stories here I would swear have to be made up sometimes but I know in my heart they are real and this greatly saddens me. You have been on a train ride from hell your whole life and you need to get off. I do not know your fiance' and in all fairness to him he may be the greatest guy in the world. But you really need to consider what a lifetime commitment to another person who may only continue to bring you down the bumpy road of alcohol and addiction. 30 years is more than enough abuse for anyone and you my dear have had enough I can tell. You deserve to live your life for you. The name of this site is My Way Out and it can help you find *Your* Way out. Good luck my friend!

Thank you

[LVT25]

Dear lost--
I just want to thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure this sounds selfish, but I am so grateful I never had to go through anything like that. I'm so sorry you and others have. It makes me sad that there are such awful people in this world. I pray that this program helps you find peace.