A new me

[geranium]

I recently, by chance, found this website and have spent hours reading through everything I can, seeing myself in so many of the postings.

My grandmother was an alcoholic and died at the age of 57, my mother was an alcoholic and died as the age of 60, last yeat in fact. My sister is a very heavy drinker and my brother when he gets a chance, and well me.....yes, whenever I can I drink heavily.
Alcohol has always been in my life and I remember clearly at the age of 11 that my mother would allow us rum and coke as it wasnt a "strong drink"!....the coke made it more acceptable somehow. Every occasion is our house was marked with huge quantities of booze and somehow we were congratulated at how much we drank,especially my brother, he was a real man if he feel asleep on the landing or trashed his room.
At the age of 18 I met a man who didnt drink and I didnt, and to tell the truth I dont know how things went from there to where they are now. We broke up I went to work with varous aid agencies around the world and meet many hard drinkers I suppose. I had a great job and decided to give it up after I had my first child. I found myself isolated at home in a remote African country.......Gin became my friend, a good friend. Then our second child arrived . We moved to Asia, the local coconut brandy became my good friend and I hid bottles everywhere so the maid wouldnt find them. Then onto the middle east, harder to get hold of the booze, but I managed and spent a great deal of time making sure I had enough.......mum died, more and more alcolhol consumed. Made a complete idiot of myself at her funeral, pissed.
I now live alone with my kids as my husband works away from home, returning at the weekends. I was so happy at first as it meant I didnt have to hide so I started to drink earlier and heavier.....cheap red wine ( now living in the med).

After 6 years of occasional alcohol free days (when pregnant) I have not had a drink for 3 days. Looking at my kids one day I thought, if I dont get my shit together then they wont have a mother. I crashed the car (vodka at lunch), left the front door open at night on numerous occasions, have upset all my family, fought to a near divorce with my long suffering husband, have passed out every night on the sofa and cant rememebr putting the kids to bed for far too long, time for action.

I am going for no alcohol at all, I dont think I can moderate and am frightened to try in the future.

Ironically I stared my nuring career working on a alcohol detox unit in London.

[akgirl]

Hi Geranium,
Let me be the first to welcome you, stay and draw support from these wonderful people. I am new too, my story similar. Have you read the book? The supps are a big key. Good luck to you.

[geranium]

Hi, yes have read the book and have started the supplements, fingers crossed. Now just to get through the shopping trip with two small kids without rushing home for a glass of wine for the "stress" factor. Thanks!

[vlad]

Welcome geranium!!! I'm trying to gear myself up to going AF again for a while. Got my supps ready too. Glad to have you here.

[A Work in Progress]

Good for you, Ger!!! You are doing great, you have the motivation (and sometimes self-disgust can be turned around into a GREAT motivator) and the tools and the support. Hang onto all of that as if your life depends on it... because, of course, it DOES!!

best wishes,

wip

[4theboyz]

Hi geranium!

Yes it is absolutely *insane* what we do under the influence especially when we know better!

I rooting for you and hope you can string together many AF days ahead!

4tb

[rubywillow]

I'm new too, so I can't offer much advice, but I will tell you one thing. Sounds like you're much younger than me, and I pray you don't waste as much of your life drinking but with your children . I have a lot of rebuilding to do with mine. LOL

[geranium]

Thanks Rubywillow, yes, the children have been the main thing for me to get myself sorted out. My husband is away most of the time working abroad, he visits regularly,but I am their main carer. Its scary stuff sometimes when I look at them, but I have not had a drink for 4 days, even though I have literally climbed the walls at times, but have found using a hour diary planner good so when ever I get an urge I look at this sheet of paper and do something else, always with the drink in the back of my mind however. My house is very very clean this week!, I even cleaned out the firdge!

[mwo2]

Remember that all important lemon water, really helps with the toxins in your body and can help with cravings.. I too did alot of cleaning. I would advise to watch out for that letdown feeling after a couple more days, when you just might feel tired from all that energy you have been expending... give yourself a break if that happens by allowing yourself to relax, on the couch while reading and posting, or making a fort with the kids, if age appropiate...just chillin is good with your water or tea at the ready, you know the stuff for you.... you are doing great 4 days AF !!

[geranium]

Thanks mwo2, have to keep going today as myself and the kids are flying out to visit my husband. I hate flying so am concerned that the cravings will hit hard tonight. However, must do it, only a short flight. The best thing so far is that having not slept for years through the night I have, since going AF, slept like a baby every night and that feels so good. I have been waking up in the morning and thinking, oh my god, its the morning not the wee small hours of the morning!, feeling guilty and who have I telephoned in my drunken state! Will plan more strategies with my hubbie over the next two weeks and he has already noticed a difference already via the phone.....probperly because he can actually have a conversation with me after 8pm!