Not Very Good at Talking About My Story

[Alley]

Okay, I've been around here and there in the posts for the past few days. Guess I should get a few things out in the open.

I've been drinking since I was around 14, eight years after my father began sexually abusing me. My drink of choice in high school was Everclear or 'shine. Yep, I could get it--in a Mason jar and everything. The sexual abuse continued until after I began attending college, if you can believe I would let it go on for so long. I tried everything in college unless it involved a needle. I thank that phobia for a few graces.

After school, I mucked around in retail, still numbing out. When my first husband met me, I was having scotch and sometimes soda crackers for supper. I was a lying, dosing, drinking mess. But I really loved him so I confronted the abuse and the abuser, with the help of some dear friends and life-saving books. Until I was 26, I never told anyone about the abuse. My husband was diagnosed with crohn's, so being the co-dependent I was (am?), I stopped drinking because he couldn't drink. Just like that. But kept doing "recreational" drugs. He wouldn't deal with the disease on his own, I took care of it for him, marriage deteriorated, and we finally divorced after trying to escape our problems by moving across the state. I started drinking again, slowly, but steadily.

When I met my second husband in a bar, we drank and talked all night for weeks. Married him finally, still drinking with him. Used to be only with him, now it's back to just me when he's not around during the week. Used to be only a few, now it's until they're gone.

About five years ago, my mother finally found out about my father's abuse. Not from me, from my sister-in-law, who I had told a few years before in order for her to protect her girls. I went to therapy then. I had had some twisted idea that protecting my mother from knowing somehow made me brave and honorable. It was rough, but we all got through it, and I forgave my father. Still, I'm drinking. Didn't get to that part in therapy. I have tried to be as honest as I possibly can be from the moment I knew I needed to stop lying about everything. I just couldn't tell my mom. I have tried to turn all that negative crap into positive effort. I succeed much of the time. Not all the time.

I am a so-so writer, a good teacher, a Buddhist (although as a Mel Gibson character once said, "Not a good one"), and funny as it sounds to say in that list, I have dreadlocks. I have come to learn that they are not as much a hairstyle as a lifestyle, just like writing, teaching, etc.

That's my story. There's a part of me that still feels like I have been absolutely on my own since I was six, and so it's hard to admit I need help or to ask for help. That kid just wants to tell the world to "Fuck off, I can do it by myself," sometimes. I'm sorry, guys. I've never met a more amazing bunch of people. Too many triggers tonight. I'll have to start over tomorrow.

[1967]

hi Alley.
i have a lot of respect for you. you may think ur not good at expressing yourself but i think you are articulate. it is so tough to face reality but that is what you are doing.
good for you.
it seems now you are ready to stop the drink. it's not going to be easy and make life perfect as u well know.
but i think u know it's time.
this site has been great for me, i hope it will be for u.

[Thankful]

Alley, all I can say is wow. You are a trooper. I so admire your positive attitude in the face of your horrific past. I am bowing before you.

My mother and some of her siblings had the same childhood as you. So I am some what familiar with some of the haunts that you have to deal with.

I know you will find a great deal of support here. I am so glad you found us.

We are here for you, hun. Best of luck on your new journey.

Love, Me

[Alley]

Thank you 1967 and Thankful for your replies. You give me backbone. My story is mostly behind me except for the drinking part, so I have to say that I am so humbled by the people who come here every day and post who are dealing with more immediate crises. I never had kids because my first husband was a child himself, and I wasn't ready to take on that responsibility with my second. I so admire all the mommas who are loving their kids and trying to be sober for them. Brown trouts, god love 'em. I love my mother, and for her, I have risen to heights I never thought possible, even though she did not protect me as a kid. Still, she gave me a foundation of loving that has sustained me. I used to watch her face lift when my dad pulled up in the yard after work, and I just knew I could never screw that up. Crazy, but true.

I want to be a positive part of this community. I never wanted to do AA, so I find it miraculous that this site is here. I'm failing tonight. Will have to start over AF tomorrow. Telling one's "story" is so difficult. I never wanted to be thought of as a "victim." Just reading all the amazing posts--what kind of wonderful people take on the "newbies"?--gives me hope. I am just so grateful, and I will give back, I promise.

[Seacailin]

Dear Alley,
Thank u for sharing your story. That must have been incredibly difficult for you. Your strength is admirable. I know that you can do this. I wish u well on your first day. We will be here for you. Please let us know how u r doing.

[one2many]

Hi Alley,

It must have been hard to write all that down and I thank you for your honesty and bravery. I am so glad you are here and look forward to getting to know you.

You are already a positive part of this community.......Thanks so much.


Love,


o2m

[Popeye]

Hi Alley,

Thanks for sharing your story.
You've had a rough time. You deserve a break.
I wish you well

[57Shelby]

Alley-
Thank you for sharing. You are an amazing person for having come through all that with such a positive attitude. Amazing what we will do to protect another's feelings as opposed to what we will allow ourselves to go through at times.
Makes me feel small that I am so consumed with my feelings these days and cutting a wide path of self-centered ranting. Your post made me take a hard look at myself and decide to try to be a little softer with the world around me.
Welcome to our MWO family and I look forward to getting to know you.
Shelby

[A Work in Progress]

Alley, I echo all the above responses, and wish you well, hope you stick around and do a lot of reading and posting.

I too am a follower of Buddhist teaching/practice/life. Are you aware of the mindfulness-based (Vipassana) interventions now being used for prevention of relapse in alcoholism? Meditation practice can be very helpful... I have resumed my own meditation practice, which I had allowed to lapse during the last 9 months of some difficult events in my life... Metta is a very good practice...

Do you have a sangha?

best wishes,

wip

[Alley]

Thanks so much everyone for your kind and encouraging words. I am so glad to be here!
And working toward being sober.

wip-Do not know about the mindfulness interventions. Interesting idea and could see how it would help. At present, not involved with a sangha, but plan to meet with a group later in the semester. I don't sit as often as I used to. Need to get back to it. I practice mindful writing each day.