It's my turn

[4theboyz]

I'm tired, I'm ashamed, I am afraid. (Insert usual reasons for all 3)

I know only I can make the changes in my life to undo the pain and suffering currently in my life. To only consider my own pain is selfish and I know the need to acknowledge all the pain I am causing around me.

I know I am close, very close to real trouble if I don't do something to end this cycle of denial. So to start, I am trying to muster up the courage to look in the mirror to see past the exterior facade that I created and have so successfully evaded real trouble in my life so far. I want to see the ugliness of my drinking and ultimately feel the pain my loved ones feel from me not being there for them the way they so deserve in these precious days of our lives. I abhor the distance from my loved ones this monster inside me has created and the loss of intimacy those many times I was comfortably numb instead. I mourn the loss in respect from others around me from my numbness to their feelings.

I know I am so much smarter and more loving than that person who has been living my life these past 10 years. It is time to stop the excuses and the denial of the trouble drinking has caused in my life. My wife and 2 sons deserve better and I will make it so.

[tlrgs]

hi there....4theboyz.. welcome aboard ...you wil find this site to be very helpful.keep on reading , and posting any questions .and we are here for you.. good luck

[bald headed old guy]

4theBoyz! you have come to a great site for support! And it appears you have made the decision to begin your journey! I'm relatively new here myself, but I do believe this site has a lot to offer..advice, concern, support, sympathy, and NO LECTURES. Be as open and candid as you can stand! You will find out (I did anyway) that you are NOT alone, you are walking a well-worn path. Please post often, read often, chat if you get the chance! Don't be shy..ask questions, say what you feel! You CAN do this!
Be Strong!
BHOG

[Kirova]

4thboyz, welcome! You sound like you're starting from a position of strength--your resolve is palpable. Good on you for starting this important journey. You've got lots of friends to keep you company!

[Thankful]

You sound so strong in your commitment. Stay that way. When in doubt re-read what you posted today.

We are here for you. Good luck on your journey. Stay strong.

Love, Me

[greeneyes]

Wowee. That was powerful. You have made a big step and people here will help you pick yourself up and move forward. They help me put on my big girl pants and deal with it. Even when I fall flat on my face, they help pick me up. I'm sort of new but trying. What's the Beatle's line? "I can get by with a little help from my friends". Everyone here will be a friend willing to help. Welcome aboard. Put on your big boy pants.

[Victory]

Hi theboyz you are on the right track and have many good reasons to stay on track. Peace can be yours again. Hope to see you around the boards.
kind regards
Victory

[tea]

Hi 4thboyz, just want to welcome you - so welcome. Try to spend a little (?) time reading through the posts, you will find everything you need. There is always someone here to talk to so ask any questions you want, someone somewhere will answer you.

Lx

[Sunbeam]

Greetings, 4thboys,
You are wanted and respected as a person here. With this support you can be the person you want to be.

[4theboyz]

Thanks to all for the fantastic and warm welcome. I'm not sure of my next step and will be focusing on educating myself and embracing all there is to offer here.

I do know my first goal is to reveal what it is/was that I was numbing with the booze. My whole life it seems, I have had the constant need to pacify my feelings. I am a Type A person, alway thinking and analyzing everyone and everything that is except myself. I do find myself the happiest when I do intentionally take time for myself, but with 2 kids, wife and career, the vodka seemed to numb the need for my own inner needs with a lot less effort. Unfortunately, I have seen how the booze also numbed my need and ability to be there for the ones I love.

This is for now my own personal challenge and I know my path is going against the current of traditional addiction programs. But for now my stubbornness will prevail and I hope to continue to focus on one thing at a time, one day at a time. For now it is to make sure that vodka bottle never gets refilled.

For now, no one here knows me and I'm not sure yet if that is really going to matter to me. I will continue to write here though as this spot will be my inner dialog I need to maintain as a record of my commitment.

Feel free to comment as encouragement is welcomed as well as constructive and critical feedback. These next days I feel will be hard as my goal is to peel back the layers of my emotions that have become so hardened by the years of drinking. I hope to find the reasons for this negative behavior and I hope I find the courage not to turn away this time out.

Todays goals:
One on One with each son
1/2 hour exercise - yoga
Meditate
Read this forum