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  • Page 13 of 13 FirstFirst ... 3111213
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    Thread: joke of the day

    1. #121
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      A disturbed tortoise crawls into a police station.

      "I've been robbed by a murderous gang of snails, he announces.

      "Calm down," says a cop. "Just tell us everything that happened."

      "That's difficult," says the tortoise. "It all happened so fast!"
      Liberated 5/11/2013

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    3. #122
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      A drunk who reeked of whisky sat down next to a priest on the subway. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of Ballantine's was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

      After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?”

      The priest replied, "My son, it's caused by carousing with wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, and lack of a bath."

      The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned.”, then returned to his paper.

      The priest enquired, “Why do you ask, my son?”

      The drunk answered, "I was just reading here that the Pope has a touch of it."
      Liberated 5/11/2013

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    5. #123
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      A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

      "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

      The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

      The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

      "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

      "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken.
      Liberated 5/11/2013

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    7. #124
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      ! I didn't even suspect a Blonde Joke!


    8. #125
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      An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

      As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.

      Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

      While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

      Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

      As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

      'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

      He whirled around and screamed,
      'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
      Liberated 5/11/2013

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    10. #126
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      A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it's over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. "What's going on?" he asks a cemetery worker. "It's Beethoven," says the worker. "He's decomposing.
      Liberated 5/11/2013

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    12. #127
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      Quote Originally Posted by Samstone View Post
      A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it's over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. "What's going on?" he asks a cemetery worker. "It's Beethoven," says the worker. "He's decomposing.
      I've heard this one before, but it entails Beethoven sitting in an open grave meticulously erasing one of his musical scores in the version I know.
      First, a man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man. --Chinese proverb

    13. #128
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      A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

      She says, "What's the story?"
      He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
      She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
      Liberated 5/11/2013

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    15. #129
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      A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.

      They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous."

      So God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

      The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too."

      Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

      This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

      Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again.
      Liberated 5/11/2013

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    17. #130
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      Why did the scarecrow get a promotion over the other candidates? Because he was the only one outstanding in his field.
      Liberated 5/11/2013

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