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    1. #11
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      Re: Tail between legs

      Hi Blind and welcome.

      a huge congrats on your several years sober. I find the major factor for me in sobriety is to be accountable each and every day. I know if i ever get that thought to drink that i would have to come on here and fess up and to me that is more horrifying than i like to imagine. Even if i dont post i certainly do read and log on here twice a day. I have friends off here who i chat to daily and they have been my lifeline.

      We cant do this alone, us alkies left to our own devices will eventually drink. We dont need a reason to drink, we will drink and then suffer the consequences later on, its how our brains work. We need to be around those that understand. Not drinking does not rule my life but i am certainly conscious when i am out and about and always have a plan at the ready to reach out for help if needed.
      AF free 1st December 2013 - 1st December 2016 - 3 years of an incredible journey

      Ava is a SHPFFFDU ! (Special, honest, practical, fantastic friend from downunder) - thank you NS

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    3. #12
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      Re: Tail between legs

      How are you doing today?

      I felt silly after some of the suggestions. Considering you've had solid sobriety before and sounds like you've been at this awhile. Should have known you'd tried many of these recovery methods-tools. Was thinking today about that strange mental blank spot that AA's - BB speaks of. Confusing for myself. As I'd think I'm cognizant of my thoughts and feelings. I mean nobody's raising the glass to my lips except me. Yet, there have been times I drank for no reason. Subconscious thoughts.

      Having had long sobriety before, think I also became complacent. Forgot how ill I became. Will have to always use and be a part of some type of recovery group. Use my tools. My last lapse didn't even last a whole week, cause I became to ill. This last one was a three day binge and I had to stop. It's killing me too.

      Yes we can do this Blindspot. Self care can be as simple as brushing your teeth, eating healthier, going to bed early, rubbing hand lotion on. Reading a good book. Smile for no reason. Enjoy bird songs. Practicing gratitude. Ordering a new blouse. Buying flowers. Like Mario said keep repeating what works. Can't let my guard down.

      Glad you have someone helping you. Hope your feeling a bit better today.

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    5. #13
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      Re: Tail between legs

      Quote Originally Posted by Blindspot View Post
      I think I've lost faith somehow in my ability to stay sober, like it's not real because I relapsed
      I definitely identify with this thread, especially this part. I had over a year sober at one point (this was a few years ago) and when I relapsed after that, I felt like I completely lost faith in AA, myself, sobriety. But with time I started to try to listen to people's stories who had bad relapses, and made it back. I got to know one guy pretty well who had 11 years of sobriety, had a bad relapse that lasted a couple years, and now has 4 years sobriety. It's possible to stay sober whether it's your 1st time or your 1000th time getting sober. There are a lot of people that relapse but have many years of sobriety afterward. I had to learn to pay attention to those stories and try to learn what I could from them. I guess basically there are two questions to ask yourself: 1) how were you able to stay sober before? What worked for you? 2) were there things that contributed to your relapses, that should be avoided (triggers etc)? For me I realized that AA did help me to stay sober, and what led to a lot of my relapses with alcohol was other unhealthy/addictive behaviors (in my case I think that gambling/going to casinos contributed to my alcohol relapse). At a certain point though I think it is important not to dwell on the past too much but focus on how you will stay sober now. Hope this helps.

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    7. #14
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      Re: Tail between legs

      Hi, Thanks for all for your replies. suggestions and encouragement. Sorry, was away for a few days, so not able to reply until now. While I was away, I did my Mindfulness practice, noticing when things annoyed or upset me and tried to analyse those. It was very interesting to trace the feelings and to try to understand why they were there.

      The interesting thing about Mindfulness is that it doesn't even matter if your inner belief is true or not - just knowing it is there and what lead to it can teach you a lot about yourself. Eg. I tried to explain to my OH why I felt upset - and it was to do with him. He came up with a load of justifications of his behaviour and how I was wrong. It was quite amusing to explain to him that we might both be wrong. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I 'fess up the feeling and let it go.

      There is no right or wrong when it comes to things sometimes - we have different opinions and biases and hot buttons. The important thing is recognising that they are there. I only told him because I wanted him to know I was doing my Mindfulness and trying to prevent relapsing.

      Mindfulness is not an argument - it's an inquiry into self. I hope everyone's having a great day.

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    9. #15
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      Re: Tail between legs

      Quote Originally Posted by Blindspot View Post
      Hi, Thanks for all for your replies. suggestions and encouragement. Sorry, was away for a few days, so not able to reply until now. While I was away, I did my Mindfulness practice, noticing when things annoyed or upset me and tried to analyse those. It was very interesting to trace the feelings and to try to understand why they were there.

      The interesting thing about Mindfulness is that it doesn't even matter if your inner belief is true or not - just knowing it is there and what lead to it can teach you a lot about yourself. Eg. I tried to explain to my OH why I felt upset - and it was to do with him. He came up with a load of justifications of his behaviour and how I was wrong. It was quite amusing to explain to him that we might both be wrong. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I 'fess up the feeling and let it go.

      There is no right or wrong when it comes to things sometimes - we have different opinions and biases and hot buttons. The important thing is recognising that they are there. I only told him because I wanted him to know I was doing my Mindfulness and trying to prevent relapsing.

      Mindfulness is not an argument - it's an inquiry into self. I hope everyone's having a great day.
      Hi Blindpspot,

      No worries on being away for a few days. Everyone has life going on. Writing this as I too sometimes feel obligated to get back and reply to folks. Sometimes I forget that I'm human. Lol... Really nice to hear from you!... Appreciate you sharing these helpful insights and wisdom!...

      When tracing and trying to understand your feelings were you able to identify why they were there? Think what you may be saying is that analysing feelings whether true or not, is simply a matter of being aware. After my last lapse I traced my feelings-thoughts back to why did I choose to drink. They led back to past problems in my marriage. Strong feelings of being inadequate. Which set in motion feelings of self doubt, not feeling comfy in own skin. Which led to added anxiety. Which led to anger, poor me, pour me a drink. On top of not feeling physically well.

      My ego at times has led to power and control issues. Your right Blindspot, this isn't about who's wrong or right. It's about feelings and thoughts and being okay with them. Then letting them go. Not acting on them with ethanol to numb and escape. Not stuffing our emotions. Respecting our differences of opinions, biases, hot buttons. Even if another chooses to not let things go we can choose to.

      Tho my part time feminist ego is a bit amused at reading your amusement in trying to explain to your OH about your feelings. I may be wrong here and that's okay. But, I think woman in general are hard wired to be more aware of feelings than men. Communicating them as well. In my own 33 yr marriage I've learned, that if I push back to much, it's silent treatment. Sometimes just getting my SO to engage with communicating his feelings is like pulling teeth. Learning I will have to be satisfied with just that. No right or wrong answers here.

      I wonder what your OH said after you explained the only reason for telling him was that your practicing mindfulness as a preventative tool for relapsing. No expectations if you don't want to answer.

      I'm going to take some time processing this. Feel this will be quite helpful for self. I'm reminded to keep my own side of the street clean. Do I want to be right or happy? Letting go of expectations. Many times my SO is right and I learn from him often. Well now that he's matured. So have I. Again I'm going to take what ever time I need to process what you've written.

      Thank you for sharing!...

      Hope your day and week is going well.
      Last edited by Wildflowers; 03-16-2017 at 04:02 PM.

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    11. #16
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      Re: Tail between legs

      Hi Wild,

      Good to hear from you,

      Yes I can sometimes identify why the feelings are there (in this most recent case it was real obvious).

      Sometimes our feelings are about the present situation, but often, as you pointed out, they are linked like a chain to situations in the past or old negative beliefs.

      Sometimes it can be really helpful to unravel those old feelings, step outside them and understand them for what they are.

      The most powerful thing you can do in the end is to let those old feelings and beliefs go.

      Haha, when my OH tried his justifications on me, and I asked him not to, he said "but shouldn't I be trying to tell you when you're wrong, so you don't make the same mistaken belief again?" I said "no" lol.

      I pointed out it was "Mindful Self-Inquiry", not "Judging". In the end he understood that I was using him to fess up to, not to be corrected (by *his* version of correct).

      I don't need to share all my insights with him (I try to work on myself as a whole, not just with the drinking), but if it's craving-related, then it is safer to tell him about it. He agreed and I *think* he understood then that arguing with me about what happpened or trying to psychoanalyse me would just be counterproductive.

      Hope you've had a good week

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    13. #17
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      Re: Tail between legs

      I wanted you to know I'm still processing this. This is my 2nd read thru. My first thought is, can I borrow "fess up to, not to be corrected". I will honestly give this more mindful thought. Not use this line as a one up. Generally, we don't behave this way towards each other that often anymore.. Been married too long.

      Yet, he still thinks I'm in-capable of so many things. Example: He pulls into drive way and see's me beginning to shove non recyclable, extras into garbage. I tell him no, I've got it. Then he wants to tell me again. Not like an argument. But, gawd he annoys me. I mean crap, give me a little credit. You have things in house to attend to. His life long attitude and many time's his actions towards me have been like this. It triggers me. Low self esteem. Has before led me to the bottle. So, I'm going to try "Mindful-Self Inquiry" I feel confused on how to precisely approach this. Think it's feelings of helplessness and not in being in control. UGH.. Yes, I'm probably over thinking this. Then this am he makes this statement that I'm trying to control making breakfast, as he rarely cooks. My reaction is well that's the only place I have any control. Then silence.

      See resentment forming.
      See wildflowers packing a bag and heading to isolation spot in forest.

      Have told SO of cravings, too many times haven't. Who better to have on board than spousal unit. Tho think he gets tired of this. Can't blame him either.

      It sounds like you have good, healthy communication, boundaries with OH. Your "Mindful Self-Inquiry" approach is helping both of you.

      Life is a never ending process of learning and growth.

      Thank you for writing about this. I'm learning. Hope somewhere along the line, able to offer positivity for you to Blindspot.

      Hope your weekend has been good.

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    15. #18
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      Re: Tail between legs

      Thankfully, within minutes my resentment turned to gratitude. He offered help, he cooked and I have someone to eat with. Many people have no one.

      Still would like time alone in forest.

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    17. #19
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      Re: Tail between legs

      My OH does the same thing funnily enough. He'll say things like "Don't spill that" or "Make sure you do X". It does sometimes drive me mad, but that's not the healthiest way to respond.

      There are two things about this: The past and the present.

      PAST: I hate being criticised or seen as incapable (probably goes back to a very strict mum who nothing was good enough for). This is *my* stuff.

      PRESENT: My partner really cares about me. He says these things, not to annoy me, or because he thinks I'm incapable, but because he cares and is concerned. I know that to be true because he has told me before how proud he is of my independence etc. And I notice he does little non-annoying things like if he's walking with me and there is a crisp packet on the floor, he'll nudge it out of my way (I'm not steady on my feet due to illness). So he says these things because of *his* stuff - his need to care or be sure of something.

      So basically his *stuff* clashes with mine.

      SOLUTION: Let it go. You can only change your reponses. Now when OH says something like that, I think of the non-annoying things (like nudging things out of the way when I walk), the fact that he is not my mother and does not mean to treat me like she did, and I can let it go.

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    19. #20
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      Re: Tail between legs

      Thank you for breaking this down. Easier to comprehend. Relate to everything your saying. Now will try to get SO to understand. Funny how many of us marry someone like our parents. We all bring our own baggage into relationships. He actually opened up a bit last night and said what was on his mind.

      Will continue to work on responding and not reacting. Learned this concept years back in AA and therapy.

      I'm so very sorry for your illness. Very glad you have OH to help you. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us.

      Being ill isn't fun. Am ill to, likely different then yours. One among many things Mom's- Mum's teach- taught, was there's always someone worse off. How right she was. Thinking of this young lad I've met through work with no legs.


      I too am quite sceptical of Dr's. Hate that I have to go see a specialist soon. Will try to keep an open mind. Have had my fill of them over the years. Not just self but others.

      Thank you for also making me smile a bit. Appreciate. Wished, I could offer help, but too far away.
      Last edited by Wildflowers; 03-20-2017 at 06:03 PM.

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