Being 'brave'

[Guest]

I am just wondering about you people and whether you can shed some light on this.

I was brought up to believe in the 'stiff upper lip', even though we are not British. Like, if you have a problem, you deal with it yourself and not burden anyone else. It is a matter of pride, I guess. Being too proud and also a pride in your own ability to cope.

Seems to me, on this forum, I am not the only one.

Here is my dilemma. I had my 22 year old daughter crying over the phone at me about my smoking. She is frightened I will die.

On the one hand, I agree with her, but my instinct was to protect her and reassure her. Not divulge my real problems. Am I wrong? Should I divulge my real problems to people I know care about me? At the moment, my main instinct is to protect them, but am I just being a coward and just worrying that they will see me in a lesser light?

[Guest]

Being 'brave'

If you can tell us a little bit more about what you are thinking of disclosing to your daughter Wombat, maybe we can respond better and help you to think this through! You know we would love to help!

Kathy

[Guest]

Being 'brave'

Hey Wombat,
You are brave to be asking and seeking out help. Are you trying to quit/ cut back the smoking as well?
If your loved ones know you have a program/system in place and that you are actively trying to work on these things, perhaps it would put their minds a little more at ease. I can understand you wanting to protect them. I wouldn't go into all the gory details, necessarily. They will only worry more. But you probably do need to vent and express your feelings and any deeper rooted problems... are you seeing a counsellor? Could blow off the steam there, share all the deep stuff, tell your family you ARE working on becomming healthier so you will be around for a LONG TIME for them!!!
That's what they wanna know, I betcha.

It's hard to shoulder all of it. You want to protect, and should when you're the mamma! Take care of yourself too.
You are off to a great start. You are brave and strong! Keep it up Miss Wombat!
Kathy is right, too. Tell us more. She's REALLY GREAT at giving advice (it's her job) Most of us here know what it's like to have to take care of ourselves AND keep the fam running.
Becca

[Guest]

Being 'brave'

Well ... it is kinda hard you know? I held it together so well when they were young but now both of my children are now legal adults and have adult problems. Maybe that is MY problem ... I can relate to their problems more closely now and I am really, really tempted to tell them mine.

But????? I dunno if that is just me being selfish. After all, they are just newly-fledged adults and I am a mature one. I guess it is just when they tell me their fears about me ... they don't want me to kill myself through abuse, they want me to be there for them and their own possible kids, just like my parents were there for them? I don't know how much information to share with them.

I take your point on board Rebecca about the gory details. And no, no access to counsellors etc where I am at the moment. Oh dear! So hard to divide being a person and being a parent.

[Guest]

Being 'brave'

Hey Wombat--Altho' I have lived in the US most of my life, I am English and come from the whole "stiff upper lip" tradition.... when things weren't going well in my family, nobody said a word--everyone pretended that everything was totally okay... How extreme this got can be best illustrated by the fact that my parents got divorced and neither my sister nor I had ever, ever heard them have a fight!! Barely even a disagreement--that's how much pretending was going on! As for asking for help, fuggedaboutit (as they say here in NYC!)

I actually agree with your thought that much of this has to do with protecting our image of ourselves--both in terms of how others (including loved ones) will think of us and, even more importantly, how we think of ourselves.... There is a great psych term: "ego-dystonic." It means that something jars against our ego, our sense of who and what we are. For me, the fact that I was really a drunk was (and is) completely ego-dystonic...not ME!!! No, no, no!! I'm the smart, funny person who can handle everything--THAT'S who I THINK I am... But it's not entirely true. Yes, I am smart. I am funny. But I most definitely cannot handle everything and it's taken me literally decades to come to terms with that. I think it can be hard to ask for help not so much because of a tradition of self-sufficiency but because of a tradition of pretending we're okay because we can't BEAR to be seen as anything but "perfect."

What has changed in my thinking, is realizing that I'm cheating the people who love and care for me by NOT admitting I need help and asking for it. There may be some initial shock that I'm not who they thought I was (because of the mask I was wearing), but ultimately most people will respond in the most wonderful way to our vulnerability. It makes for much richer, more authentic relationships to be "real."

I think my parents missed out on a lot by maintaining their whole "I'm fine, everythings great" pretense. Not to mention they never got the help and support we would so have loved to give them. I'm glad that I had the courage to admit my failings, drop my pretense of being totally "okay" and admit I needed help!

Don't know what's right for you in this case, Wombat--and your situation may be completely different--but honesty worked for me...and, you know what? It was a HUGE relief, too!

all the best, susan

[Guest]

Being 'brave'

Wow! I started to tear (as in crying) up when I read that. I guess what you are saying is that I should trust my children and husband and siblings. Geez, how hard is that when you have lived a lie for so long? Hiding my alcohol consumption?

You are right, of course. My kids, husband and some siblings (not all! but I have so many) are the best type of human beings. And my bestest friend too. They are trustworthy ... it is just me being a wimp, I think. I am so scared, even though I know in my mind they will never reject me, I am still scared. And mostly, honestly? I am worried about giving them another worry in their lives that I already know is full of their own worries.

[Guest]

Being 'brave'

Thanks people. After a bit of thought? I think I will only divulge my probs once I feel confident I am on the road to recovery. It is my problem, after all. And my responsibility to deal with it. So that is just one more reason to continue to work at this program, right?

Oh ...thanks for giving me venting space. I needed to play it out with your help. Thanks.

[Guest]

Being 'brave'

Wow Susan, your post couldv'e come straight from me!! (except for the parents being divorced..)
For most of my adult life, I've always been the self sufficiant, idependent one. Living on my own in a cabin in the Mts, did a lot of travelling, always came & went as I pleased.... pretty much lived it up to the hilt(in more ways than one!!)
And NEVER, NEVER, needed help from anyone! I had my own pistol, my own chainsaw(still do!), carried my own water... never let anyone... ESPECIALLY my family know if I was ever in trouble, or lonely or sad. Always, Happy go lucky, "...Life's my Oyster, Judie" .

Untill a few years ago, when I finally got so depressed, from a bad combination of things,(being left pregnant in a foreign country-...by "the love of my life" HA! so I thought...),followed by a misscarriage on a diff island..)... then DUI, followed by wayyy too much drinkin, suicide attempt, a lot of bad choices....
I still wouldn't let my Family know. But a very dear friend of mine, called my family, because she was concerned. My Mom & Brother (without my knowledge) drove from Oregon to Colorado, in 1 & 1/2 days. And there they were! :eek Suprise!:eek You'd better believe we're closer now!! Thank God for good Friends & good Family... Or I probably wouldnt be here...

[Guest]

Being 'brave'

Thanks for this thread, ....I just called & talked to my friend Kathy, in Colo. She's headin for Mese Verde for the weekend, to hear Carlos Nikai play flute in the canyon, sounds, verrryyy nniiicce!

Kinda ironic, the person who pretty much saved my b*tt, just got outa treatment...:rolleyes Go Figgur!

Unfortunately, I introduced her to one of my exes, before I left Colo....probably where her problems started!
I did try to warn her tho!:rolleyes

[Guest]

Being 'brave'

You know, Wombat, I've been thinking of this "being brave" stuff all day...it was while I was riding the subway (where I do some of my best thinking!) that the idea suggested itself to me that perhaps far from burdening the people who love us with our flaws and vulnerabilities, rather it is a gift not only of our trust in them, but also it allows them to express their love for us in a meaningful way. We all become more fully human by meeting challenges and responding to those around us with loving kindness...what a shame to deprive those who love us of the opportunity to grow and discover the strength inside them as they respond to our need.

Of course, I don't mean just "dumping" on people and expecting everyone else to take care of us! What I do mean is that relationships have to be reciprocal to be meaningful. We've all been in the position of receiving a gift that we could never repay--and it doesn't feel nearly as good as getting a gift and being able to offer one in return. If it's better to give than to receive, then we need to be able to offer others the chance to give to us! Otherwise, we put them in the position of always having to receive--and we get to do all the giving!

This is a little disjointed, but then I WAS working this out on the subway!

Hugs, susan

[Guest]

Being 'brave'

Judie, LOL. I just had to respond. That was so damned funny. verrrrrrry nnicce from the queen of the CD thread. Jeesh. Cathy

[Guest]

Being 'brave'

Hi WW,

I also come from a similar tradition (Irish Catholic), and I can relate to your dilemma on a lot of different levels personally. But for now, I'd like to give you my perspective as the daughter of someone who has adhered to the stiff upper lip belief that you keep your problems to yourself, and suffer in silence, etc etc.

My mother is very overweight. She also has a very serious clutter problem in her 16 room house, the likes of which I have never seen anywhere else, not even close. So, without going into too much detail, let me just say that her problems are not easy to hide. BUT, she acts as if they don't exist, and because of that everyone around her plays along.

The consequences of this just hit me as I was reading Susan's post. I've never felt very close to my mother, and it's not from a lack of affection. There's always been a "keep your distance" sign up in front of her, and it's hard to pinpoint where it comes from. But I think the fact that she doesn't want to share the part of herself that is hurting has made it impossible for me to connect with her in a substantial way. In turn, I can't share my problems with her, because that also violates her unspoken rule. I actually think she resents me for trying to, so I stopped.

Now our "conversations" are unbearably irrelevant, basically I listen while she gives me her "report" about other people's news. That's it. But she's always complaining that she misses me, I don't think she has a clue why. Neither of us are authentic with each other, so no matter how much time we spend together it will never be fulfilling.

So my point to you WW is, I think you and your daughter would have a lot to gain by you sharing at least some of what you're dealing with. Enough so that the elephant leaves the room, but not so much that you feel remorseful about the telling. Because even if no one knows that you have a problem with alcohol, they can sense something is amiss. You love & cherish your daughter, and that is what is important. It's not brave to keep everything in; our ancestors must have had good reason to, but we're not them & it's not serving us anymore to behave like that. It's not selfish to share yourself with her. Her knowing just a little more about you will only enhance the love you already have. I wish my mom were reading.

All the best,
Deirdre

[Guest]

Being 'brave'

Dear Wondering,

Wow. I am exhausted just reading this thread & relating to ALL of it!! So my reply will be short. I will echo Deirdre. I too am Irish Catholic but came from the "all is just fine here" family (especially me the perfect one), so it may not be just ethnic in origin. And I have children in their 20's.

I agree wholeheartedly with all Susan & Deirdre say about opening up & truth & its value in relationships. As a Mom sometimes this has worked wonderfully for me & others not so good. I think it depends on the emotional maturity of your children & intuitively you know their level. Also on the stress level they have in their life at the time & how much they are needing a Mom. However, love is deep & even if there is adjustment at first, so be it ...truth is always for the best long run. You can gauge the timing. I recently told my daughter, 24, who is unusually mature do to her own conquering of addicition, of this program & the topamax after I was already in it & she was supportive. I have not told my son yet. (But, I'm sure my daughter did.) Of course he, worries about me. In your heart you know what to share. I love this from D....

"I think you and your daughter would have a lot to gain by you sharing at least some of what you're dealing with. Enough so that the elephant leaves the room, but not so much that you feel remorseful about the telling."

AND ESPECIALLY THIS ....THANK YOU SO MUCH D!!!
"It's not brave to keep everything in; our ancestors must have had good reason to, but we're not them & it's not serving us anymore to behave like that. It's not selfish to share yourself with her. Her knowing just a little more about you will only enhance the love you already have."

AMEN TO THAT!!!!!