Paranoia

[Guest]

Hi everyone--haven't been here in a week--was out of town for my employer (with boss and co-workers) and had it all planned; took laptop with me and was going to chat each night; but Monday they were talking about another former employee who had to turn their laptop back in when they left the firm and IT found links to all kinds of gambling websites; "must have had a problem" etc. so I panicked and didn't check into MWO at all. Luckily I could check my personal e-mail (I have exchanged e-mail addresses with several MWOers) and could still stay in touch.

I am just having so many issues with admitting any of my drinking issues to anyone around me. The work issue I think is wise considering boss' personality, but friends and family? Anyone else struggling with this? I guess I keep thinking that I can't get totally honest with myself until I get honest with them?
Ter

[Guest]

Paranoia

I have only told my husband, not sure if you read my post but he outed me to his best friend and god knows who will find out. This won't be a fun weekend. You tell whomever you feel comfortable telling, some people may be now some people may be never. It's your business and that's why we are on this site and not in a huge forum. Good luck, Patty

[Guest]

Paranoia

I live on a very small little town(actualy I live 10 mi. outside of town), but, you know how that is... "If you don't know what you're doing around here... everyone else always does!":rolleyes ...(whether it's true or not!!):
Oh and Hi Ter!! have missed ya!

[Guest]

Paranoia

Hi, Too Much. Boy, do I feel for you. I too am a professional (programmer) and use a laptop and am always well aware that my large company is always monitoring EVERYTHING. I watch where I visit from work or signed in from home, and emails -- everything.

I certainly cannot and will not let my work folk know about my prob - they probly suspect but heck, I just got a rave review so I cannot be doing to bad .. I look at it this way, if I'm getting the same raise as everyone else, and a good review and no warnings, I must be doing something okay and functional and valuable to the greater work community.

Friends I'm not ready to share with yet. Family ... perhaps a little bit, and soon. I unfortunately just had an ugly incident that I precipitated with my mom and ... she feels bad and is worried about me ... that is what made me start to look for help here.

Want to talk some more? We should meet up in the chat room, perhaps, depending where in the world we live.

Best of luck
Rock

[Guest]

Paranoia

Hi Patty, Jude, and Rock, thanks . . . this has been on my mind a lot since I first came to MWO. Patty, I did read your post about your husband, and I guess that's just what I'm afraid of. Jude, I can relate--my area is a sprawling suburban area but everyone knows everyone, and everyone knows my brother (a local business person) and so everyone knows who I am. Local restauranteurs, grocery store personnel, etc. etc. Even the head of the post office went to high school with me.

So I'm just not comfortable with "outing" myself. Rock, I live in Maryland, Eastern Standard Time. I'll e-mail my address to your EZInbox.

Actually, I'm thinking of confiding with an ex-co-worker who is a good friend but definitely does not live in the area. I know she'll "keep a secret." I keep wishing for the kind of friend RJ found in Brenda, someone to join in the "program" with.

Thanks guys,
Hugs
Ter

[Guest]

Paranoia

Hey Ter,

Fortunately, I'm self-employed, and my computer is just that, mine! (I think you can learn how to erase your internet activity from someone who really knows the ropes, incidently!)I've "come out" with my family (as if they were deaf, dumb and blind and hadn't noticed anyway :lol ) and they have provided plenty of support to me. I've also been pretty honest with my friends. Funnily enough, it would be hardest to admit a failure here, with my new MWO friends!!!! But I'm very honest. It might take a few days, but I'd 'fess up if I screwed up! I understand though, Ter. In corporate America, damn! I admire you for working there!

Hugs,
Kathy

[Guest]

Paranoia

Ter - be CAREFUL

I had (emphasis on HAD) a very close friend who also has a drinking problem. She still works in my same city and we are totally estranged now - she told some stories about me that I would never, even in retaliation, do to her. I just sort of avoid her and grin and bear it. Yes, I made an ass of myself with her, but she did the same ... I just say this to you to PLEASE PLEASE protect yourself because friends can turn, especially if they don't approve and even more so, if they have the same problem and haven't admitted it yet, and so feel superior by outing you.

Your friend may be totally different but I really loved my ex-girlfriend (like a sister, I'm hetero) but please be very sure. Maybe there is someone more appropriate to talk to.
Cathy

[Guest]

Paranoia

I have also avoided telling anyone. After 20 years of hiding my drinking I suspect it is second nature at this point. I did bring a bit of it up with my husband, but he made it clear he doesn't see the problem with drinking and has no intention of changing what he does. He doesn't encourage me to drink, but that is the extent of his involvement. (Would have been nice to be able to get alcohol out of the house.) I guess that is why I love this site, people who understand and don't judge.

I have found that no one has in any way been negative about my not drinking when we go out. It just hasn't been an issue. Since I am doing this pretty much alone, I do wipe out the internet history when I use the family desktop computer. If I were still working I would not sign on with the work computer - any personal business at work is risky.

[Guest]

Paranoia

I am pretty new to this site (about 3 weeks) and have chosen not to tell anyone although my husband knows I am not drinking at all during the month of may. My feeling is that this is still all so new to me I have to sort it out in my own mind before I start announcing it to the world. Maybe in the future I will talk about this experience to everyone but for now I am working this out alone but with the help of everyone on this site.Whatever we do it has to feel right to us.

[Guest]

Paranoia

Rock/Cathy--now that is EXACTLY what I am afraid of--I have several close friends at an old firm I used to work at, one of them the friend I mentioned; I don't burn bridges at any ex-employer's because you never know when you will have to go and ask for a job or a reference. That is one of the reasons I have been hestitating to confide in this friend; thank you for the caution; I think it was just what I needed to hear.

Vino--welcome, great community here for you.

Ter

[Guest]

Paranoia

Ter I could be wrong but I got burned by being too caringq

and too trusting. Your friend might be completely different. Someone else brought up a good point - were you really friends or just drinking buddies brought together by unfortunate circumstances?

My ex-friend turned out to be a drinking buddy - not a true friend.

Please think carefully about who else you might confide to - including us on this board. If you want to email me, please do.

Cathy

[Guest]

Paranoia

Re: Ter I could be wrong but I got burned by being too carin

My friend is not a drinking buddy, but did pitch a fit over nothing (missed meeting time of movie we were going to--not me--her) during her divorce and we didn't speak for a long time--it was only after another friend mentioned the hard time she was having that I reached out to her again. "too caring" also. Caution well taken. Thanks.

Ter

[Guest]

Paranoia

I understand

I have found that even though many are supportive--nobody can understand unless they have stood in your shoes. And there is not a single soul who has stood in your exact shoes, but there are many who have worn similiar ones. Trusting people is a very difficult issue. So many of us have been burned, burned someone-especially ourselves. I lied and lied to myself over and over again--when I knew what the truth was.

I wish I could say that I have found that girlfriend that I can tell the good, the bad and the ugly too. However, I think as I learn to trust myself I will become more open to trusting that person when they walk into my life.

Lean on the shoulders you have here-until you are ready to open up to someone "real". For me-coming face to face with women at my Thursday meetings weekly has been a huge step in the right direction. This whole isolated feeling is normal. We can't hid this whole big issue in our lives and be "real" with anyone. First we have to get real with ourselves.

Hugs!

[Guest]

Paranoia

paranoia

The paranoia you feel is real.Not a figment of imagination.The pain you feel is real. The pain you feel is the beginnings of a Disease called Pancreatitis. The pain you feel just under your sternum,slowly drifts to the right, you will! end up in the emergency room.
fortunately for us. it is treatable, there may be a long course of hospital stay. you may have a feeding tube, called a J tube placed,through your nose down your throat and directly into your stomach. bypassing your pancreas and liver directly. You will not be able to eat solid foods, and unless you get a nice nurse you also will not be able to get something simple as an icechip! I write from practical knowledge. This Disease is miserable. Hep C can be aquirred as also type II diabetes. The best thing, all of this is reversible.we may have to go to a treatment facility. we may have to miss a few friends or our family for a short time, but all is really worth it.

I AM AN ALCOHOLIC, My Name is Chris B

[Guest]

Paranoia

Re: paranoia

Hi Chris & welcome. I'm Judie & I'm an alcoholic/problem drinker? At least I've been convinced thru AA for the past 8 or 9 years that I'm an alcoholic... Now after being in this program, I'm not so certain.
I've said for the past few yrs that only "you" can say if you're an alcoholic. I still think this may be true. I'm just not sure at this point, where I "fit", or if there is a label, or need be one...
This program has changed everything I feel, and think about myself, who I am, and how I am. I have only been here for 5 months. But in the 30 yrs of serious drinking I've done, ...I can say whole heartedly, this is the most incredible program I have ever found. And the ONLY ONE I've found that works for me! I've tried AA, for years,I have many good friends there,... I've been to in-patient programs twice...still paying for that...:rolleyes
Since being here... I've not once had to lie about drinking, or where I've been. I've not had to "call-in" to work, "sick", I've held down not only one, but two jobs. My husband & family are very pleased & happy to have "ME" back.
Believe me, my "Evil Twin" is no picnic to hang out with.
I think you might want to re-read some of the previous posts? Just a thought Hugs, Judie