My mother drinks heavily

[Andorinha]

Hello everybody, I just found this forum as a friend pointed me here. :new:

Other than m&m's and travel, I don't have any major addictions, but I have another serious problem. My mother has been an alcoholic for probably over 10 years now. Her problem weighs heavy on the whole family, as she gets very negative and aggressive, which has destroyed the harmony of the family and her marriage to my father - they still live together but the relationship is everything but harmonious.

My sister has talked to her about it (she's the person who discovered it and also the one in the family closest to her) and my mother says she wants to stop, but she can't do it now because there is too much stress in her everyday life, so she can't take the additional burden. However, it's been 10 years already, so I don't think the "right time" to quit will ever come.

It hurts me deeply to see the alcohol destroy our family and, just as importantly, her health and ultimately likely lead to a very painful death. As far as we know, she drinks so heavily now that she can function normally (drive a car etc.) on a very high alcohol blood level (it is normal to her). She can't really do rehab because she's kind of a public figure, so that would destroy her carreer.


My questions:
1.) What can family members do to deal with the situation, with her, her moods, etc.?
2.) I have heard people only ever quit if they want to, and that you can't ever convince anybody to quit unless *they* want to. But what can family members do to encourage her?


Completely lost here, I would appreciate any input or you who are more experienced with this problem pointing me to appropriate webpages, threads in this forum, anything.


Thanks for your help...


Andorinha

[lushy]

My mother drinks heavily

I am sorry for your situation. It must be very hard to deal with. You are right in that your mom has going to have to really want to make a change. Perhaps let her know about this site. Like More2 said she might appreciate the anonymity, not to mention know she is not alone with her problem. Best of luck!

[Marshy]

My mother drinks heavily

Hi Andorinha,
It's true that she has to want to quit. And it sounds as though she's making excuses about why she can't - too stressed, can't go to rehab etc. I've been there.
If she actually does want to quit perhaps she could visit this site as already suggested, or try one-on-one counselling which should be totally confidential.
Obviously I don't know anything about your family, but if alcohol is a central feature of meals/get-togethers (as it is in mine), maybe you could try to make it less so - don't automatically open wine with dinner etc.
The moods could be caused by drinking, could be something else (underlying depression maybe?). A first step might be talking to her doctor about all this (again, completely confidential).
Good luck!

[Andorinha]

My mother drinks heavily

Thanks for all feedback guys.
I should mention she doesn't speak English, so I can't point her here.

As for family meals, there is no such thing sadly. She eats alone, in front of the TV, with a beer (or who knows what else when nobody is around...)

Any further replies are greatly appreciated... thanks everybody!


Andorinha

[youngster]

My mother drinks heavily

Oh, I wish I had answers. I lost my mother to alcoholism. It destroyed my family. We each blamed the other for "not recognizing it sooner and not doing something about it." I got angry with my siblings because they wouldn't deal with it. My mother ultimately died alone in an apartment having lost her family, job, and everything she considered dear. I started to drink heavily over my guilt of not being able to help her (don't get me wrong, I was never a "normal" drinker). But her death sent me over the edge from which I still struggle.

My mother loved me, but she didn't love herself. Her failure to love herself and my guilt over how I could have stopped her death is what has tried to kill me for the last 10 years. I continue to fight with every fiber of my being to survive the incessant guilt.

You have my permission to let your mother read this email. Maybe it will let her see the light.

[memarcie]

My mother drinks heavily

Andorinha, what language does she speak? Where are you from? I'm just thinking maybe another member in your area of the country may PM you and you can go from there if the english thing is an issue.

[Andorinha]

My mother drinks heavily

youngster, your post really touched me. I think I may really translate it for her.

memarcie, she only speaks German.


Andorinha

[shitzulover]

My mother drinks heavily

I suggest you go to alanon meetings in your area. My daughter and mother go on wednesdays for support. They really get alot out of it. It should really help you to talk with others with the same problem and how YOU can cope with it. Good luck!

[Accountable for Me]

My mother drinks heavily

Andorinha: It is worth checking into an Alanon meeting in your area. There is nothing like watching your mother drink and not know what to do or help with the feelings you must have. These meetings can help you understand about the illness and they can help you point her in the right direction for getting help.

youngster: Have you sought out grief counseling? It might help you deal with the guilt you are carrying.

Welcome to MWO the both of you.

[Andorinha]

My mother drinks heavily

Thanks!

Alanon, eh? I never heard of it, so I just googled it. Seems to be a fantastic resource, thanks a bunch!

Great community... thanks for all your support! Any further help is always welcome...


Andorinha

[Andorinha]

My mother drinks heavily

Does anybody else have any advice on this topic?

A friend of mine suggested to talk to my mum and tell her that we love her no matter what, so she will feel like she has our support. But I'm afraid she might take that as permission to drink. What's your take on this?

[southernbelle47]

My mother drinks heavily

Hi And..
I think unconditional love is a good thing but with some "boundries" in place.
There are some good books on the subject such as Boundries by Cloud and Townsend. You can find it at Amazon.com: Online Shopping for Electronics, Apparel, Computers, Books, DVDs & more
You can only do so much for a person and you can't let guilt ruin your life if she won't get some help.
My daughter set up an appointment for me with a doctor who told me that he thought I was an acoholic. That was a turnaround for me.
That was when I started looking for help and found MWO and ordered the cd's and book.
It is so hard when you have to "Parent" your parent, but it can help get her some help.
:h Nancy (Belle)

[youngster]

My mother drinks heavily

I will give some other insights to my mother's drinking. I had to call a babysitter (while my oldest was 4 months) old to have my mother transported via ambulance to the hospital only to be told that her BAC was .45. I brought her home and poured the bottle down, got her into rehab -- twice. Neither took. When my second was born, I was 8 months pregnant banging on her door (when I could see through the curtains she was there). She wouldn't answer because she was drinking.

Everyone told me to let her go-- how could I do that? She was my mother. I went about my day/day life as much as I could until getting the ultimate call from authorities that my mother had died -- and had been dead for three days before anyone found her.

I agree that Alanon is a valuable source for familly members.

And Andorinha, I have sought counseling. It just seems that everthing piles on top of the other. My mom's death was a significant factor, I moved to New Orleans to start "anew" and then I faced Hurricane Katrina. I am amazed at how well I have done on so many levels and wonder when it will all crumble down. I haven't found the right counselor though but will.

[Andorinha]

My mother drinks heavily

Southernbelle, thanks for your post and the book recommendation. I'll see if I can get a hold of it.

Youngster, thanks again for your new post. It is beyond belief what you went through, I want to show you my deepest respect for the suffering you endured and also for your generosity to help others out here. It seems like your mom could not be helped, and you tried what you could... your story really touched me deeply.

As for me, I hadn't spoken to my mother in weeks because we had a fight when she was drunk again. She gets so aggressive and looks for confrontation, so I evaded her since. Now I just wrote a letter to her, and I sent a copy of the email to my sister and my father. In the letter, I speak very clearly about the problem and that we can't go on ignoring it - how can you solve a problem when you don't acknowledge it in the first place?

Then I translated youngster's post and put it in the letter as well for her to read. Thanks again for that. Finally, I told her that I will not tolerate this issue being ignored for one day longer, and I will not support it in any way, not even for another day - BUT if she's willing to try and solve this problem, she has my full support and we will do WHATEVER it takes to help her because we love her, she is our mother and otherwise a great, fantastic, loving, generous person...

The ball is in her court now. I'll keep you posted on what happens... Thanks again for all support, any further posts are most welcome...


Andorinha

[Andorinha]

My mother drinks heavily

Thanks again for all your support.

I wrote her that email and she replied with appreciation.
We got together to have a family talk, her, my father, my sister and me.
She agreed to seek professional help.

She says she is not physically addicted at all, it's merely psychological, a.k.a. she only drinks when she is going through stressful or emtionally hard times. So she will look into psychotherapy and my father and her are also looking into partnership counceling.

Any further feedback is always welcome. I think things are moving in a positive direction.


My best to you all and thanks again for everybody who posted here... great community!


Andorinha