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[MyOwnWoman]

The ex-bf that just moved out has sent me a couple nasty emails... I know I'm not what he says I am and I'm so pissed that I let him hurt me like this but it does fucking HURT. I've been holding back so much sadness pain and fear, I think it's bubbling over now.
I'm 42 and the longest relationship I've ever been in was 5 years, and the only reason that one went on so long is because we had a child together. What is so wrong with me????
And the 4 people I've been closest to the past 12 years have said such awful mean things to me - I really don't think I'm what they say... but why would anyone want to hurt me like that? What have I done so wrong - besides being a drinker and emotional wreck half the time - that inspires people who once loved me to want so much to cause me pain???

I"m at work, a mess, want to go home and of course I want to take a big ass bottle of whiskey with me.

How do I remember that I am good and let this shit bounce off?? Please help... it is very scary to be this sad.

[Finding My Self]

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My Own Woman - MY OWN WOMAN.....first and foremost. You've done so great to see that and call youself that. This is a big step on the way to finding someone who will love YOU. You know, I had to go through 4 boxes of paperwork today and throw out loads. I was really sad to find loads of stuff from ex's all putting me down too. I came to the conclusion that they have a 'weakness' in that they need girls with 'problems' coz then they can 'rescue' them (us). And if we haven't got as many as they would like (we've all got some!!), then by Dog they'll put them there until we believe them ourselves. And when we change on our own - like going AF...well, look out. They HATE it coz they've lost their 'project'....and then they'll go crazy flinging mud and hoping it will stick. Shine yourself up girl and let it slip to the floor!

You're getting stronger all the time but it is really tough when each man has eroded a wobbly self-esteem even further.... But build it back you will. NOBODY has the right to say you're anything other than wonderful. Certainly nobody who shares your bed! Or ever has.(Been there done that soooooooooo many times as you know!)

So, have an evening with your kiddo. Pour anything down the drain you consider might 'improve' things....IT WONT. Think, think, think about your good points...the points we see here and love so.... DO NOT let this man 'drive you to drink'.... You are worth so much more than that and the hurt will pass. Remember Satori's let it go ..let the emotional attachment to your ex's words fly off into the ether...

Love and hugs brave lady.
YOU CAN STICK THIS.
This too, will pass.
FMF xx

[Suzanna]

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More to Life and FMF said it all, let it go, he is trying to make you drink so do not let him, do not have him win! You are your own woman now! Definitely block his emails too, that would deliver a shocker, can you imagine his face?? Hugs!!! Suz

[MyOwnWoman]

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Thanks More2, FMF and Suzanna. I did just block his email address. Does the sender get the email back when they send it to where they've been blocked? I hope so.

I remembered what I had learned a couple weeks ago from Healing the Addicted Mind. It is vitally important that I learn to be okay with myself - for that is what matters, not what others think of me. But for someone whose self-worth has been trashed since birth, I guess getting there takes a lot of work.

I'm really not the things they say I am. I am a good person.

[Beaches]

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You are a good person and you know that and we know that. I have enjoyed your strong words here and have always enjoyed your poems. He is just using whatever he can right now to try and hurt you and he only can if you allow him. You know you have done the right thing and you know that you can do this without him and much better for that fact. Don't give him that power, he is grasping.
I think you are wonderful. Stay strong and be true to yourself. I admire that and I admire you. You remind me of a very strong tree.

[Finding My Self]

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Yes you are hon.... keep saying that - it's the truth.

And yes it's 'work' but perhaps think of it as just process and play; 'work' seems like 'struggle and effort'..... and that's 'give up' stuff!!! ALLOW yourself to believe it.

You're doing great.

Fraid I don't know what he'll get from blocked emails - a message saying just that if I remember right. But that's his problem not yours now.

Take care love. Off to sleep now but will be thinking of you.
FMF xx

[YoungAtHeart]

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Hi MOW!

All that I can say is that people who attack other people usually feel bad about themselves, and they "project" their "badness" onto others and see it in them. If you look at your ex's e-mail, I'll bet that many of the things he attributes to you are actually qualities that he has himself. If you understand this, you will know that it really isn't about you; it's about him.

I'm glad you blocked him however.:H We really need much less of people projecting their stuff into others in this world!

Take care sweetie!

Hugs,:l
Kathy

[nancy]

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Well it seems pretty obvious that your ex is trying to hurt you because you made him move out. So this is most likely about revenge. sure there may be grains of truth in the details, but the overall nasty spin is breakup related no doubt, right?

Getting rid of him seems to have taken a huge amount of strength for you and you should be feeling GOOD about that, because as your new name says, you are your own woman. Even though you had such strong feelings for him, you did the right thing for your child.

Who are the other three people? Do you mean they said horrible things at certain points in time? do you still have relationships with them?

Don't let depression get the best of you, by turning this into a "what is wrong with me?" episode. Relationships are sometimes very complex and people often have ambivalence in their dealings with others. The people you mentioned might have issues themselves.

[MyOwnWoman]

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Thanks. the other three, Nancy, are a former best friend and housemate, ex-fiance and ex-lover. Oh yes, they surely have issues. Youngatheart, I know that he is projecting. And I know that it's about him. And I also know that the pain I feel now is about me, not his words.
FMF - I like that suggestion, to think of it as 'process and play'. I'm going to try to hold on to that.
And Beaches, you are right, he can only hurt me if I let him.
Problem is, I've let a whole lot of people hurt me, ever since I was a little girl, and shit like this brings up all the accumulated pain that I've not dealt with and am terrified to feel.

I feel awful now, but I'll be okay. I think it is just now hitting me how hard the past several months have been, especially the last two, since I told him to leave. I've been stuffing away so much emotion and now it's rising to the surface.
Thanks for your hugs.

[gabby]

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I agree with Kathy so much. And someone else said on here, "Don't let a loser tell you who you are." I love that one.
I understand how you feel. My ex-husband is horrible with verbal abuse.

[bootcampbarbie]

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well mow, just checking in before beddy bye. hope you are feeling better. boy i know it when people hurt our feelings. specially when you've been so good to them. you know who you are. you are a beautiful human being. you identify who you are. so yesterday, i bought this book called. if women ran the world sh*t would get done, subtitled celebrating all teh wonderful, amazingk, stupendous, inspiring, butt-kicking things women do and i'll leave you with page 31 it says: if women ran the world;;;; women would always trust and value their own opinions, not just when other people are obviousl wong, inconsiderate and stupid. um well i'm actually smiling while writing this. you get my drift. now it says to write down 3 but kicking things you did today. okay fire away

[bootcampbarbie]

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sorry just had a full set of nails put on and i can't type worth beans. you can read my writing hopefully. nitey nite. and remember 3 butt kicking things you did today.

[Phoenix74]

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Hi MOW

As the others have said - he's punishing you for his own pain because he sees you as an easy target.

My college sweetheart did that to me, we too were engaged to be married. His own brother warned me to get away from him or he would destroy me. I was so mentally broken by the time it ended I ended up having a months long depression and it actually took me years to get him out of my head. I was younger then.

He pushed and pulled me, pushed me down, dragged me back and forth in myself 'til I didn't know if I even knew who i was anymore. I remember the worst was not knowing who my own self actually was in the end. I just felt like an egg whose shell was all cracked. Felt like the slightest tap would break me and I would spill out and never be able to put the shell back together.

You did the right thing getting rid of him. At least now you are at a new start without his poison. You're not what anyone says you are. You know who you are deep down, and even if you're only able to glimpse you through a haze of regret and confusion and fear, you're still in there waiting for the mists to part. He wouldn't have let you do that.

You are so much better off now that he's gone. It may be that his emails will just go to a spam folder, pity, it would be nice to think of his face lol.
It doesn't matter really though, his words can't harm you if you dodn't see them. Set your browser to delete spam daily and you won't be tempted to check them even.

Now is your time. Let him go and all bad luck with him. Change is never easy, even when we know it's good for us. It's scary to move away from the known or familiar patterns in our lives.

Everyone here is 'here' for you. All ya gotta do is 'call' :-)

Wishing the best to you today

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

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I think people are mean to you because you are too nice to them. Sad isn't it? So many humans behave like animals! As soon as you stop worrying about pleasing others they will start worrying about pleasing you.

Take care of yourself my dear!

[Flip]

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My heart - you are spot on. They only do and say things they know they will get away with!

MOW, you are brave and strong, and he is a loser.

Perhaps you might like to check out some stuff on the net about Co-dependancy - it talks about trying to please other people at your own expense - you might relate to some of the characteristics. I know I certainly found it very helpful when trying to develop a sense of who I was and where I was going, and what drives me to doand say things that aren't always in my best interest.

As for men, fuck 'em. (not literally!) You don't need them.

IF one finds YOU that is worth your time and effort, then go for it, until then, build YOUR life.