Am So Depressed

[janka]

Sorry, but i drank the night before last, largely as a result of an argument with my husband. I am distraught and my kids are too. Now husband says he really wants a divorce as soon as possible. I do not want to drink, but when husband gets nasty, that's when I seem to do it. I am so afraid, J

[Cinders]

Am So Depressed

Janka,

You must sit down and consider exactly what it is you are afraid of.

You are unhappy with your marriage but don't want to let it go. You are unhappy with your drinking but the stresses from your marriage make it worse.

Your health is the most important issue right now and it sounds like the family situation is not making it any better at all and actually making it worse.

Consider what your options are that would give you some distance from the triggers that cause you to drink. Do not consider what his options are because you have no control over your husband. Consider what positive steps you can take to make things better for you and your kids.

I do not know what those steps are but I am pretty sure you can come up with some.

Write them down and look at them. Think about them. Take action to make your life better so you can move forward in a positive manner.

Hope this helps in some little way.
Cindi

[janka]

Am So Depressed

db ... you are right ... the best thing i could do for myself and kids is not drink and i am capable of that. i drink mainly as a response to arguments/issues with my husband ... he can be so difficult and yet i cannot let go.
I am afraid of lots of things -- rebuilding my life for myself and kids ... i am terrified, but this man is so mean. i am so afraid. thanks for your help ... i cannot go to work today, am so frazzled, j

[nancy]

Am So Depressed

Hi Janka

I think if the stresses from your husband were not there, another reason to drink would arise. Loneliness can lead to drinking too. We all have our reasons. I think the main point is that drinking can't solve problems but that problem drinkers turn to alcohol anyway when things are getting down, and then the problems get worse in a vicious cycle. That pattern of dependency needs to be stopped.

So I would advise, try not to blame him if you drink. Of course, it doesn't help when someone close does not have faith in you and is attacking you. And it sounds like that is what is going on with your husband. He should want you to get well for the sake of the children.

I am wondering, can you get counseling for yourself at the very least? I think you need to find healthy ways to deal with serious problems. Easier said than done.

And I wonder if you can get away for a week or two. Are there relatives you could stay with? I know you hated rehab before, but maybe there is a rehab that is acceptable to you, one that you go to voluntarily and not based on 12 steps? It sounds like you are in such an uncomfortable environment. And have you considered medication, such as naltrexone?

I agree that you have to think of your health first.

Sorry things are so crappy.
Nancy

[janka]

Am So Depressed

Hi Nancy and thank you. I have been doing really well recently, sober for 36 out of past 39 days. I felt really good. do no think rehab is an answer for me, and am unable to get away for now. i just need to stay sober and forget about moderation entirely. i cannot take the threats and stress here, and need to stay sober for some period of time in order to determine what should be done. have no clue right now, but he can be so nasty to me and that's what i cannot take most, j

[Finding My Self]

Am So Depressed

Janka - I just wanted to send you a hug love.... :l

Hang in there... I so hope it gets better for you. Writing things down and really looking at them is good. Sometimes - scary but good - is to record them onto tape (even an answerphone if you don't have tape - e.g. your own cell phone) and listen. You learn an awful lot of things and see an answer right away... and we'll be here to help you implement things.

Love FMF xx

[janka]

Am So Depressed

Thanks FMF, i know, he's cruel ... am so tired, didn't sleep last night. i still do take care of kids and everything around here ... when i fall apart the whole house does ... unfair but reality. i need to sleep, j

[KateH1]

Am So Depressed

Hi Janka,

I am so sorry to hear that you are in som much anguish right now. We are drinkers, we drink to celebrate, we drink when we are sad, we drink when we are happy and we drink when we are in fear. My point is, we drink. What I am learning through this program is that we need to reprogram our brains and create healthy bodies to overcome this need to drink. I know that you know this as well.

As for your husband, he is who he is. You cannot change him and you can only contnue to put bandaids on a relationship for so long. The drinking and the marriage are really two different issues. My heart goes out to you, but I know that you will move through the fear and make the right choices. I encourage you to work on your own strength, build yourself up, trust yourself and love yourself.

My thoughts are with you,
Kate

[janka]

Am So Depressed

Hi Kate and thanks, i do agree the marriage and the drinking are two different things. i do know that i can be sober, just need to overcome some triggers, like his hostility -- i cannot take it. i was so good, for a good period of time, i am most annoyed with myself. thanks again, j

[MyOwnWoman]

Am So Depressed

Hi Janka,
Can you leave? Or have him leave? I know the thought of starting over, being a single mom, etc is terrifying (been there done that). But it seems to me that the current situation is very unhealthy - if he is being hostile and mean toward you. It's not good for you or your kids. With your 36 days sober you've proven to yourself you can do it. Breathe in the strength of that success and let it fuel you to do what you need to do.
hugs...

[janka]

Am So Depressed

Thank you, am so unsure what to do ... he instills fear not only in me but my kids about drinking .... it's crazy. there are families that have alcohol in their lives without much ado ... not here ... he escalates things beyond any human recognition and my kids are exposed to that. it kills me. maybe i should go, j

[MyOwnWoman]

Am So Depressed

Janka, of course I don't know much about your situation... but want to share something with you.
When I was a kid my dad was AWFUL. He was not just an alcoholic, but he was emotionally abusive to us kids and my mom. He was a monster. He was so very very mean. He wasn't too bad with me, compared to how he ripped my mom and brothers to shreds with verbal and emotional abuse.
I used to BEG and PLEAD with my mom to leave him. Though he caused her so much pain, she was too afraid of being on her own with us kids. So, even though there were several short separations, she stayed in the marriage. And me and my brothers just got more and more screwed up - this is what we learned about relationships, about how men treat women, etc. (Subsequently I have been in and out of bad relationships my entire adulthood with a long line of jerks.) And to see daily how much pain my mom was in, how he hurt her with his words... that was maybe the hardest part of all for me.

I did then and still do wish that my mom had divorced him while we were kids in the house. She eventually did, after we left home... and I can't tell you how much she enjoyed being free from daily abuse. She made her own life and lived it with joy.

[chrysa]

Am So Depressed

Oh Janka..that is sad & you sound so sensitive..I like d2's words of advice the best. Honestly though your husband sounds like an emotional abuser, verabal abuser. They are just as destructive as physical abusers. What else is he hostile about? No one can live with hostility. It hurts the kids in the long run psychologically.

[memarcie]

Am So Depressed

Janka,
You've gotten enough good advice from others. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

:l

[nancy]

Am So Depressed

First let me say, 36 days is great!

Well it sounds like he has psychological problems. It sounds like he isn't comfortable with his own sobriety, maybe freaked out by alcoholism? Well, that is awful for you. You need someone stable to support you.

I know people stay in bad relationships for years on end, but it's hard for me to understand why. Would it be financially possible for you to make it on your own?

Life doesn't have to be like this. That's hard to remember when you are in a horrible situation.