Starting out Terrified - last night was a disaster!!

[bananas]

So, I've been lurking for a while and I know I have to cut out/moderate my drinking! I've wanted to do this for a while now and I'm just not sure how to do it! I've ordered the Kudzu and some naltrexone (River Pharm). I'm really hoping they will help cut down the cravings.

I've met someone who I think I could spend my life with - but although he met me (and we were bar friends for over a year) he's not too happy with my drinking. It's so hard and I feel so lonely because I have so many problems and I can't talk to him about it. If he knew how bad my cravings were he'd freak out - and totally push me into some kind of rehab.

I have so much to tell but I don't want this post to go on too long. I just love the fact that I can be totally honest here - and everyone else here is so honest with how they're feeling and how hard it is to be in this position!

My ultimate goal is moderation - I just don't want to give up the booze totally - it makes me feel so much better (although it has so many negative consequences). Although my self-esteem is currently in the toilet (I am hungover and I drank SOOO much last night) - I feel like I could do the mod thing, I just need to get control of my cravings! I can go for so many days w/o alcohol but the when I go out (which is what I've been looking forward to all week) I just get so trashed!

God! I feel like I could write so much more about how I am and how I'm feeling. I'm just so relieved to get some of my thoughts out. I'll leave it at that for now.

[bananas]

Starting out Terrified - last night was a disaster!!

Oh, by the way - my boyfriend is soooo PISSED at me. He hasn't said anything and he just left to do errands but he is so angry!

And, I'm drinking to make me feel better/try to cure the hangover - I'm so messed up!

[nancy]

Starting out Terrified - last night was a disaster!!

Welcome

Hi Bananas

You sound like so many of us here.

I hope you do get some comfort in writing about your feelings with no fear of anyone judging you.

Have you read the MWO book yet?

I

[Guest]

Starting out Terrified - last night was a disaster!!

Hi bananas and welcome.
Whether you ultimately decide to quit or moderate, this certainly is the place that`ll help you do it.

Wishing you love and strength for your journey.

Starlight Impress x

[bananas]

Starting out Terrified - last night was a disaster!!

Thanks for the quick response - I'm really vulnerable today.

I've ordered the MYO book from Chapters/Indigo and it should arrive early next week. I look forward to reading it.

Everyone on this message board is just so forgiving and lovely - I haven't been able to be heard in a long, long time and the non-judgemental attitude is so good for me.

Thanks guys. I look forward to posting a lot as I continue with my struggle.

[Guest]

Starting out Terrified - last night was a disaster!!

Look forward to seeing you around the boards, bananas. I always say that there can be many tears here, but you`ll always find a whole lot of laughs too.

Starlight Impress x

[slightlysuze]

Starting out Terrified - last night was a disaster!!

Hi Bananas

Try to go easy with things, and think through why you binge and what is hurting. For all of us this is a long road of self-discovery. This place will help you loads.....come back often.:l

Suze xx

[mokigirl]

Starting out Terrified - last night was a disaster!!

Bananas,

Just remember to love yourself through all of this, and not let your boyfriend's opinion or anger get you down. This is not an uncommon problem or journey you are about to undertake, and you need understanding people around you. While I can't tell my husband all of the details of my problem, I can tell him some of it and he is never mad at me (although I think he's been a bit disgusted with my drinking in the past).

The good thing is that it sounds like your boyfriend isn't much of a binge drinker, am I right? Maybe that will help you get through it -- to be with someone who isn't wanting to go out and get wasted. Maybe you two should have a heart-to-heart talk and you can agree on things that you can do together other than going to bars. I bet if he sees that you want to change, he won't feel mad. But again -- don't do this for him. If he's not totally supportive and sweet to you about this, then I would... well, never mind. I guess I shouldn't give too much advice here!

Just love yourself every step of the way, be proud of yourself for the self-control you DO have and the courage that you have to do this, and you'll be fine. I'll see you around the posts!

-Moki :h

[Accountable for Me]

Starting out Terrified - last night was a disaster!!

bananas - my first husband I met in a bar. Go figure. Although I didn't drink like I ended up drinking, he was always PISSED off at me when I did drink back in the day. Talk about a hypocrite.

He used to go to the same night club as I did for a year or two before I even had someone 'hook me up' with him. I was far from a 'regular' drinker back in those days. He still made me feel like complete shit and called me an alcoholic then.

Anyway.... keep posting your thoughts and feelings here. We are here for you. Many of us have been through or are going through what you are.

[Accountable for Me]

Starting out Terrified - last night was a disaster!!

Oh, did I say he was my ex-husband???? ex for a reason or two!

[Beaches]

Starting out Terrified - last night was a disaster!!

Welcome Bananas, you will find this place very supportive and the people are wonderful. Good luck in whatever path you choose whether it be to moderate or go alcohol free.

[Finding My Self]

Starting out Terrified - last night was a disaster!!

Welcome Bananas.... I'm sure you'll do just great with these guys behind you; they are the best! Read up, post up and let us know how you're doing wont you.

(PS not too much today - it only takes a wee bit to get over a hangover...not a gallon or you'll be even worse off tomorrow.... start cutting down at least? Love from OWK - one who knows!)

(AFM - mine was like that! Exactly...did he have 'issues' around drink in the past do you think?)

Love FMF xx

[BabyGirl]

Starting out Terrified - last night was a disaster!!

Yep -- boys have complicated things for me ...

Hi Bananas -- I've been there -- actually I'm right there with you! I am trying to get better and all my boyfriend wants to do is get laid -- sorry probably too much information but it causes stress -- I switched from Effexor to Lexapro in hopes of getting my libido back but I feel I have so many chemical swimming around my body that it just wants to sleep!
Yesterday I drank a bottle of wine because he left me at 3AM -- sadly, a bottle of wine is good for me (pathetic)
Starlight responded to a previous post of mine & recommended that I take care of me -- thank you Starlight!
So, today Monday I am taking Campral and going to attempt AF (again) for 30 days. I am riddled with anxiety and my depression has reached an all time low. I chose the name BabyGirl because I feel I have so much to learn... Iam in the infant stages of exploring why it is what I do and have done ... hope you make it through today!

[shellbee]

Starting out Terrified - last night was a disaster!!

hey banana's you sound just like me. i know how it feels to wake up with your man totally pissed off with you and the guilty feelings that follow. too many timesi have woken up in an empty bed and it slowly starts to dawn on me that he's left without saying a word cos he's soooooo mad! i can't seem to stop once i start but i know this needs to end before i lose the best thing thats ever happened to me.

gotta stay strong and keep going. hope you ok and feeling better x

[Guest]

Starting out Terrified - last night was a disaster!!

Bananas, try to remember this - Alcohol never, ever makes any situation or feeling better. It can only make things worse. Even if it is just a hangover. It is a depressant. Even in moderation when I am not causing trouble, blacking out or throwing up the next day in withdrawal it makes me tired and bloated. I drank in relative moderation for me last week and did not enjoy it at all - ended up throwing most of what I brought home away.

It's an overrated legal drug. I went out tonight to a pub for a bar meal (I think our pub culture is a bit different here in the uk), I really couldn't be bothered to cook for myself and just wanted to be around other folk.

So, I had a grapefruit and soda followed by a coffee to end off. That means I have gone into a pub where I usually get through a bottle of wine within the hour, or 3-4 pints of scrumpy with a meal and have not touched a drop. Read the daily news, walked home and now ready for bed.

If I had let myself have just 1 glass of wine I would not be sat here typing like this. I am looking forward to an early morning jog tomorrow followed by a full day at college....