.... sleep poorly due to the alcohol, so sleep late to catch up. vow to quit drinking, this time I mean it. get to work around 11, mostly wasting time online, maybe going out for a long walk because I can't stand to be around people. go home around 5 or 6, breaking down and buying beer on the way. play my computer game while drinking 8 or 10 or 12, until I crash into bed. sleep poorly due to the alcohol, so sleep late to catch up ....
Howdy folks. I've been lurking here for a while but not posting, struggling on my own without much success. It's time to finally kick this thing. Mostly I'm writing this for my own benefit -- a sort of online journal that I can look back at later. But also if I create a public persona that's open about my drinking problem, I might feel that as pressure to clean up my act. I've always been someone who cared about other people's opinions of me. Too much so in fact, it's at the root of some serious anxiety problems and holds me back in a lot of ways. But since it's true, I may as well leverage it to reinforce the positive changes I want to make, eh? I've also confided in a pair of close friends, so ... hopefully I'll find strength in openness.
History: I was the quiet super-smart kid that everyone respected, but no one would name as a best friend. In high school, my brother and his friends accepted me into their circle, and one of our chief entertainments was binge drinking. Lots of fun, but limited by availability. Went to college, tried lots of other drugs, at one point smoking more weed than was good for me, but managed to kick that without too much trouble. Once I turned legal, drinking settled down into more frequent but modest amounts, not a problem. Well, still occasional binges, but not much of a problem.
About 3 1/2, almost four years ago, my fiancee and I split up. I was OK at first, working hard on my PhD. But started slowly sliding downhill into depression, with alcohol abuse close on its heels. Finished the degree and moved out here to Boston for a position, a little less than three years ago. I didn't have any friends out here, and pretty much still don't, not close friends anyway. Still sliding, and gradually drinking more, from a few times a week, to more nights than not, to virtually every night. From 5 or 6 beers, to 6 or 8, to 8-12. From applying myself at work, to falling behind, to failing completely (I'm a post-doc in a position that gives me way too much freedom with negligible oversight. I expect it'll blow up on me at some point, and I may find myself out of a job, but until then....).
Finally last summer I took myself to the doctor and asked for a prescription antidepressant. She put me on Citalopram, which has been huge. I'm no longer living in a hole, and I actually feel like I have the strength to make some of the other changes I need to, especially quitting drinking. For a while this summer I was making progress, drinking on fewer days, and improving my diet and exercise while I was at it. Lost about 25 pounds, in fact, and brought my blood pressure down. But this past month I've really lapsed, as bad as ever....
Howdy folks. I've been lurking here for a while but not posting, struggling on my own without much success. It's time to finally kick this thing. Mostly I'm writing this for my own benefit -- a sort of online journal that I can look back at later. But also if I create a public persona that's open about my drinking problem, I might feel that as pressure to clean up my act. I've always been someone who cared about other people's opinions of me. Too much so in fact, it's at the root of some serious anxiety problems and holds me back in a lot of ways. But since it's true, I may as well leverage it to reinforce the positive changes I want to make, eh? I've also confided in a pair of close friends, so ... hopefully I'll find strength in openness.
History: I was the quiet super-smart kid that everyone respected, but no one would name as a best friend. In high school, my brother and his friends accepted me into their circle, and one of our chief entertainments was binge drinking. Lots of fun, but limited by availability. Went to college, tried lots of other drugs, at one point smoking more weed than was good for me, but managed to kick that without too much trouble. Once I turned legal, drinking settled down into more frequent but modest amounts, not a problem. Well, still occasional binges, but not much of a problem.
About 3 1/2, almost four years ago, my fiancee and I split up. I was OK at first, working hard on my PhD. But started slowly sliding downhill into depression, with alcohol abuse close on its heels. Finished the degree and moved out here to Boston for a position, a little less than three years ago. I didn't have any friends out here, and pretty much still don't, not close friends anyway. Still sliding, and gradually drinking more, from a few times a week, to more nights than not, to virtually every night. From 5 or 6 beers, to 6 or 8, to 8-12. From applying myself at work, to falling behind, to failing completely (I'm a post-doc in a position that gives me way too much freedom with negligible oversight. I expect it'll blow up on me at some point, and I may find myself out of a job, but until then....).
Finally last summer I took myself to the doctor and asked for a prescription antidepressant. She put me on Citalopram, which has been huge. I'm no longer living in a hole, and I actually feel like I have the strength to make some of the other changes I need to, especially quitting drinking. For a while this summer I was making progress, drinking on fewer days, and improving my diet and exercise while I was at it. Lost about 25 pounds, in fact, and brought my blood pressure down. But this past month I've really lapsed, as bad as ever....
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