I know why I drink

[PeggySue]

Hello,
I found this website quite a while back, and I jumped in MWO with both feet. I think I made it AF for maybe two or three weeks. Topa did not work for me and couldn't tell much difference with or without the supps.

So I went back to my old ways of seeming like the perfect wife and professional business woman, while drinking wine until I pass out each night. And yes, I absolutely hate myself more than words can express.

I always heard it takes more and more alcohol to get drunk when you have been drinking as many years as I have. But I find now that one glass of wine gets to me....and also tells me to keep on pouring till I fall asleep. Wine is to be sipped....but I drink it in big old gulps.

But this morning I figured out why I drink (well not really, but I am putting my thoughts out to cyberspace).

The mundane things of life are done by someone else (my drunken self)...in other words, dinner dishes are cleaned up and clothes are folded, and I wake up and go into the kitchen and it is spotless. Who did that? The person in me that did it without thinking or feeling.

Each morning I get up and check to see how much wine is left to tell myself exactly how much I "really" drank. And I tell myself I am "okay" and today will be a new day.

Till 5 p.m. comes and I can't stand to think about the time from dinner till I can go to bed. So I go into that mindless person that I hate so much the next day.

AA says alcohol will either make you insane, put you in prison, or kill you. I think about that all the time. And dying seems to be the only cure.

I never post... I just read. But I am feeling so sad that I don't think I can stand it any more.

[meditation mama]

I know why I drink

Peggy Sue,

I can relate to everything you say EXCEPT the part about AA. Those comments are not only ignorant they are self deprocating and innacurate. Dying is somthing that happens to everyone, not just drinkers. You drink at night, at home doing the dishes. You need to start there, where you are, not where others in AA are.

I have talked to my therapist for years about my "coming home demon". I have also always been a professional and coming home and being the wife and mother has been as unnatural as just about anythng I could ever do - for me. It doesn't mean I don't love my family, becasue I do. I have the most amazing husband a woman could ever ask for. My daughter, although unplanned, is the biggest blesssing in my life. BUT, and this is a big BUT, I din't like being a family person. I never have, I'm not great at it, I am a loner, not in a bad way, I am selfish with my time, I like to do things by my self, I don't like to do things for others when I get home from a long day - these are my realities. I can finally admit them. AND, I like to have a nice quiet glass of wine. BUT, I can't. I have to be this other person. And I have resented it. And I have drank. I tell you this because I was also the one who drank and the dinner got cooked, the dishes got done. The chores I thought were mine to do, the things I felt I HAD to do. I hated this time of night!!!

Well, I am happy to say that that time in my life is over. I have had some revelations - with the help of many people. I started to see a counselor - I opened up to her about my honest feelings about this time of night, I stopped going to AA, I started to meditate and to go on retreats, I stopped drinking (not perfect, but for the most part), and my life had completely changed. I love my family. I love to cook, I love to sit and read with my daughter. I love to spend the evening playing scrable with both of them. It has taken me three years to get to this point, but it is worth it.

Don't give up. I think we are similar. Please keep posting. PM me if you want. It is all worth it.

Namaste,

MM

[Ripple]

I know why I drink

Yup, wine was the demon for me. I'm 51 and was always getting into arguments with the husband, he was a drinking partner also. Today makes 31 days AF and i feel great. He is still drinking as he got wasted the last 2 nights, but tonite he wants to be with me?

Good luck to you all.

[Eastender]

I know why I drink

Peggysue and tkeene,
I am saddened that so many people are living this way, I thought that I was alone a couple of weeks ago until I found MWO, with the kind thoughts and support that the lovely people give you here I have managed to steer clear of wine for 12 days now.
I am also 50 years old and my three kids grown (two have moved out) and work at home with my husband.
My way of coping is to jump on the website when the craving starts and read and post ,it has helped enormously and reinforces my resolve to not drink today.

Take care and be gentle with yourself...

[PeggySue]

I know why I drink

Thank you all so very much for your kind words. To know I am not alone is empowering.
MM, thanks for your comment about the AA slogan. You helped me so much this morning. I went to the chat room for a while. It was good, and the first time I have ever done this. Thank you all! And yes, that is my sweet lab who is so great!

[Scorpio]

I know why I drink

I'm opposite everyone here. I'm 43, single, no kids and work out of my home. I know I drink because I'm bored. I often wonder what it would be like to have a family to take care of.

Not drinking makes me constantly work, exercise or clean. I started to get bored with all that this week and went to the library. So I'm basically trying to fill time. Funny how drinking makes time go faster.. !

Your post was sad PeggySue - hang in there!!

[flutterby]

I know why I drink

Peggy Sue,
I was exactly the same.... I had to be numb to do the "boring" things. But I knew I was in trouble when I carried that feeling over to all other aspects of my life... work, play, and socializing. Went through AA a while back and actually maintained an AF life for 10 years but, due to a reason that escapes me now, started drinking again about a year ago. I'm so glad I found MWO this time around because I know one of the keys is to stay positive and it will attract positive circumstances. The folks I've met here are just great and -- it is amazing how much we have in common. Six days AF for me..... here's wishing you many many more!
Regards,
Fby

[minx]

I know why I drink

Wow, PeggySue, we do have a lot in common. I quit the professional life to stay home with my kids and as much as I love them and certain aspects of being a SAHM, I'm also often bored with the routine, mundane tasks. And I crawl in to my wine bottle(s) every night to escape. I'm a gulper too--it's disgusting how quickly I consume my wine. And I pretty much drink till I pass out.

But, during the day I'm a soccer mom, active school volunteer...no one would guess.

And I have a lab too! LOL, hopefully we can help each other.

[PeggySue]

I know why I drink

Wow Flutterby....10 years af!! You did it before and now you can do it again! And minx, I was a SAHM forever and my wine at night was my reward for surviving the day. Then when they grew up and I took on a career, it just got worse. Now I am 58 with grandkids and I need to get my act together. They all look up to me and I can't fool them forever.

I wake up feeling awful, and have to pull myself together. I'm dedicated now to sticking with this site. It's the encouragement and success stories that I really need to hear.

Minx, we can do this, I know.

[IrishGirl]

I know why I drink

PeggySue,

I was so sad to read your post, and glad to see in your later posts that you have not given up.

I am new to MWO so not sure yet if it will work for me long term, but I am hopeful.

We have some things in common, I am also 58, have the exact same relationship to wine that you do, however I have no kids and my husband is my drinking buddy so instead of cooking and cleaning up afterwards we order a pizza and leave the dishes in the sink and I have to deal with them the next day. I have a job that I do reasonably well, but I never schedule meetings before 11:00 AM! Oh, and my real name is Peggy so I feel a bond

I have been hating myself for years, although this being Day 12 of mods for me that feeling is, if not gone, buried somewhere. My fear is that like many people here I will go back to my old ways. Waking up in the morning with that feeling of self-hatred. One of the things I take to heart on the hypnotic tape is the suggestion that self-criticism of your drinking is a thing of the past. I sure hope so.

Oh - and you know how I have been doing the moderation? SIPPING! It is amazing how long a glass of wine can last if you sip instead of gulp. How come no one ever told me that?

Peggy

[AMELIA]

I know why I drink

Peggysue, I was so sad to read the end of your post, the bit about alcohol will either make you insane, put you in prison or kill you. You said that dying is the only cure,....you know its not. The cure is to identify what it is that is really upsetting you. You have talked t length about the 'mundane' things in your life that you do whilst under the influence. Do you enjoy your domestic life in other ways?? Is your relationship (perfect wife to someone) ok?? If you were honest, would you rather be somewhere else??? If that isn't it, then why not pay for someone else to do the stuff that drives you insane??

Is the domestic stuff that you do (and getting hammered while doing it) a symbol for something else? Sounds cryptic, but I really think that what you have said, is already telling you the answer somehow?

Over and above that. Please, please stay here, make friends with whoever jumps out at you on this forum. Try not to despair too much and tell yourself 'I can and will overcome this'.
Stay close to the boards Peggysue.

[PeggySue]

I know why I drink

Thanks Peggy. I guess I can look on the bright side that my drunken personality takes over and gets everything in order before I pass out. (just kidding). I don't think I can sip...I think I am just too out of control right now, so I am going to white knuckle it and try my best to be brave and strong. I am really struggling today, as I have been on the site almost all day reading everything. Can you believe there are so many people like us?
thanks for writing !

[PeggySue]

I know why I drink

Amelia,
Are you sure you're not a professional counselor?? Everything you said was right on the money. But the problem is, I can't identify what is the underlying stuff going on in my head. I can't afford a shrink, but in talking to friends, they will say, "what do you have a passion for" and I can't think of a thing. I really can't think of anything that brings me joy or excitement, except for Thursday nights to watch Grey's anatomy!

You are so right in what you are saying....I just wish I could get some insight. I will keep trying.
thanks for your encouragement.

[AMELIA]

I know why I drink

What did you dream of being as a kid???

[Scorpio]

I know why I drink

Peggy Sue
I think Amelia is a professional too

The passion thing is a hard question, especially when you become numb to life. Been there, done that. But you will find it! Being AF helps It takes some self analysis.

There are support groups that you can go to that don't charge or the charge is minimal. I don't mean for your drinking but to help discover why you are sad. Sometimes it only takes a few sessions to figure things out.

I was in the same boat - I was sad for a long time. Still on the road to discovery but finding I'm happier everyday (the less I drink!). Alcohol is such a depressant!

Hang in there!