Hi all the wonderful guys and gals of MWO:
I am starting to write this a month in advance of my 700-day mark. It?s October 15 as I begin writing this. I know solid in my mind, I can stay AF the next 31 days. I know it solid in my heart, mind, and soul. It is a good feeling when the doubt is gone for these longer and longer periods.
What is there to say at this stage of the game? Since my last essay at 600 days, a great many things have happened. I notice with the passage of time, the psychological cravings that are purely emotional in nature seem to be getting more distant and weak. Yet, at the same time, my resolve to change the core structure of my life is ever gaining momentum.
-----------------------------------------------
On becoming whole again:
That last drink, taken back in the early morning hours of December 15th, 2005 seems like it was consumed by someone who is not me at all. Studying photographs of myself from back then, reveals a guy who seems happy on the surface, but is deeply and profoundly troubled deep within. I can tell just by the way I stand, my gut hanging out, the yellowish tinge to my skin, the red color of my cheeks and nose. Not the picture of health back then.
Beyond just the physical appearance, the psychological being is alien as well. Why did that guy crave the numbing brain toxic nerve poison? What was the matter with him? Why did he choose destruction over health? He must have been hurting awful bad. I feel badly for him, and I had to kill him to put him out of his misery.
I killed him with exercise, dieting, nutritional supplements, meditation, reading, research, and excruciating self-analysis. I killed him with no mercy. I had to. He was going to kill me with the same compassionless wrath I exacted upon him.
This is the story of drinking Neil vs. sober Neil, and their long fight against each other. Wait! Every so often, I see drinking Neil bat an eyelid, or twitch his fingers. I hear him groan a deep and horrible death throe. I cannot strike the last blow, and crush his skull in forever. Why? Because he still knows things about me that I need to hear. I am only mean enough to cripple him, and hope that I never turn my back on him.
Then it dawns on me. I still need drinking Neil, but I don?t need his drinking. In all of us, is a sober self. You read about this self in the works of Deepak Chopra. The pure self, that is most active in our early childhood days.
On becoming healthy again:
The physical fitness program, that is perhaps my new addiction, is showing very perceptible results. 5 months ago, I weighed 197 lbs. Today I weigh 177 lbs. My body fat is now less than 18%. The trick now is to maintain that body weight, which is excellent for my height, but at the loss of fat, and gain of muscle mass. The process will begin to slow. No way I could have ever kept the drive and commitment to do this thing with the intensity I have now, while drinking.
I feel great. I sleep well again. I have energy, and motivation. I have not been sick one day since I overcame the pneumonia that woke me up in December 2005, and threatened to kill me dead. It is good to be healthy, and vigorous.
On being ruthless:
These things I write of, are for the one who has the desire to give it up for good. The booze I mean. How many times waking up with the killer hangover, guts raw and maybe bleeding, nerves shot and twitching out of control. Depression so great, you consider death to be a relief. How many times you been there, and said I QUIT! Only to feel better 3 or 4 days later, and have the urge hit you like a tidal wave, and then you seek out the booze fix like robot on autopilot? Oh yea, many, many times have I done that.
That drive to seek the alky fix is incredible. It is pure energy, almost like a nuclear warhead going off. I had to get to know this energy, and turn it around. The same ruthless force that makes you seek out the next drink, is the same force that will make you stay AF and sober for the long haul. Believe it or not. It is the force of desire.
I had to become painfully aware of this force within my body and mind. It is the force of your living system to survive another day and avoid pain, hunger, thirst, or boredom. I had to use my intellect to a degree never before done, to get this realized solid in my being. I now realize, that is why I had to come close to death, before it was crystallized in me. That living force is something to respect, and it is in you.
Times New Roman;">
On the spiritual growth:
One thing that has been glowing ever more brightly in my sobriety, is the renewed desire to search out the truth of who I am, and why I am, and the reason and meaning behind my existence.
This is the spiritual journey. It is my personal quest, and I am most times reluctant to write of it, or share it. Most folks say,?This is what I believe, and that is that!?
I am not talking about religion, which is a social structure, with political hierarchy, and often times a political agenda. This is your own personal search for ultimate truth, and getting some sort of satisfactory answer or explanation that accord with what you feel inside. It is different for everyone, and I must respect that. In turn, I expect others to respect my search for what it is.
Nobody wants anything jammed down his or her throat, either physically, emotionally, morally, or otherwise. Did you ever have anyone say to you, ?Stop your drinking, or else!!? What the hell is the ?else?? It could be divorce, jail time, or any number of unpleasant things. For me, it was death before my time, and that was my ?else?.
Faced so squarely with that ultimate termination, I did a number of things. I bought a burial plot in my birth town, and prepared final documents over the last few months. This was how I began my process of ultimate acceptance that I will not be here forever. No denial, no rejection, no bargaining. Acceptance, and action to deal with it.
This ultimate acceptance then set me on a path to dealing with the fear. This is what I mean by spiritual growth. It is another step on my personal road to staying AF for the rest of my life.
That?s it for now. Now looking forward to two years AF, one month from today. Where will the work ultimately take me? I don?t know, but slowly I now find that just letting things unfold and develop as they are, this far down the road is my best strategy. I close on this November 15th, 2007. 31 days after I started writing this, and it was the least difficult time yet.
See y?all at 800.
ly: Times New Roman;">Faith and strength.
Neil
I am starting to write this a month in advance of my 700-day mark. It?s October 15 as I begin writing this. I know solid in my mind, I can stay AF the next 31 days. I know it solid in my heart, mind, and soul. It is a good feeling when the doubt is gone for these longer and longer periods.
What is there to say at this stage of the game? Since my last essay at 600 days, a great many things have happened. I notice with the passage of time, the psychological cravings that are purely emotional in nature seem to be getting more distant and weak. Yet, at the same time, my resolve to change the core structure of my life is ever gaining momentum.
-----------------------------------------------
On becoming whole again:
That last drink, taken back in the early morning hours of December 15th, 2005 seems like it was consumed by someone who is not me at all. Studying photographs of myself from back then, reveals a guy who seems happy on the surface, but is deeply and profoundly troubled deep within. I can tell just by the way I stand, my gut hanging out, the yellowish tinge to my skin, the red color of my cheeks and nose. Not the picture of health back then.
Beyond just the physical appearance, the psychological being is alien as well. Why did that guy crave the numbing brain toxic nerve poison? What was the matter with him? Why did he choose destruction over health? He must have been hurting awful bad. I feel badly for him, and I had to kill him to put him out of his misery.
I killed him with exercise, dieting, nutritional supplements, meditation, reading, research, and excruciating self-analysis. I killed him with no mercy. I had to. He was going to kill me with the same compassionless wrath I exacted upon him.
This is the story of drinking Neil vs. sober Neil, and their long fight against each other. Wait! Every so often, I see drinking Neil bat an eyelid, or twitch his fingers. I hear him groan a deep and horrible death throe. I cannot strike the last blow, and crush his skull in forever. Why? Because he still knows things about me that I need to hear. I am only mean enough to cripple him, and hope that I never turn my back on him.
Then it dawns on me. I still need drinking Neil, but I don?t need his drinking. In all of us, is a sober self. You read about this self in the works of Deepak Chopra. The pure self, that is most active in our early childhood days.
On becoming healthy again:
The physical fitness program, that is perhaps my new addiction, is showing very perceptible results. 5 months ago, I weighed 197 lbs. Today I weigh 177 lbs. My body fat is now less than 18%. The trick now is to maintain that body weight, which is excellent for my height, but at the loss of fat, and gain of muscle mass. The process will begin to slow. No way I could have ever kept the drive and commitment to do this thing with the intensity I have now, while drinking.
I feel great. I sleep well again. I have energy, and motivation. I have not been sick one day since I overcame the pneumonia that woke me up in December 2005, and threatened to kill me dead. It is good to be healthy, and vigorous.
On being ruthless:
These things I write of, are for the one who has the desire to give it up for good. The booze I mean. How many times waking up with the killer hangover, guts raw and maybe bleeding, nerves shot and twitching out of control. Depression so great, you consider death to be a relief. How many times you been there, and said I QUIT! Only to feel better 3 or 4 days later, and have the urge hit you like a tidal wave, and then you seek out the booze fix like robot on autopilot? Oh yea, many, many times have I done that.
That drive to seek the alky fix is incredible. It is pure energy, almost like a nuclear warhead going off. I had to get to know this energy, and turn it around. The same ruthless force that makes you seek out the next drink, is the same force that will make you stay AF and sober for the long haul. Believe it or not. It is the force of desire.
I had to become painfully aware of this force within my body and mind. It is the force of your living system to survive another day and avoid pain, hunger, thirst, or boredom. I had to use my intellect to a degree never before done, to get this realized solid in my being. I now realize, that is why I had to come close to death, before it was crystallized in me. That living force is something to respect, and it is in you.
Times New Roman;">
On the spiritual growth:
One thing that has been glowing ever more brightly in my sobriety, is the renewed desire to search out the truth of who I am, and why I am, and the reason and meaning behind my existence.
This is the spiritual journey. It is my personal quest, and I am most times reluctant to write of it, or share it. Most folks say,?This is what I believe, and that is that!?
I am not talking about religion, which is a social structure, with political hierarchy, and often times a political agenda. This is your own personal search for ultimate truth, and getting some sort of satisfactory answer or explanation that accord with what you feel inside. It is different for everyone, and I must respect that. In turn, I expect others to respect my search for what it is.
Nobody wants anything jammed down his or her throat, either physically, emotionally, morally, or otherwise. Did you ever have anyone say to you, ?Stop your drinking, or else!!? What the hell is the ?else?? It could be divorce, jail time, or any number of unpleasant things. For me, it was death before my time, and that was my ?else?.
Faced so squarely with that ultimate termination, I did a number of things. I bought a burial plot in my birth town, and prepared final documents over the last few months. This was how I began my process of ultimate acceptance that I will not be here forever. No denial, no rejection, no bargaining. Acceptance, and action to deal with it.
This ultimate acceptance then set me on a path to dealing with the fear. This is what I mean by spiritual growth. It is another step on my personal road to staying AF for the rest of my life.
That?s it for now. Now looking forward to two years AF, one month from today. Where will the work ultimately take me? I don?t know, but slowly I now find that just letting things unfold and develop as they are, this far down the road is my best strategy. I close on this November 15th, 2007. 31 days after I started writing this, and it was the least difficult time yet.
See y?all at 800.
ly: Times New Roman;">Faith and strength.
Neil
c: :heart:
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