HELP PLEASE

[Victory]

Help Please:
I so hate the booze and I so hate the way I keep picking up the first drink = Fuc*ing x 10 +? Nothing?.. [B]ever feels better than AF. [/B] This morning I woke and began to cry over an 8 year old gaping emotional wound. In addition I have been terrified since aged two. Have had years of therapy, all to no avail. Sometimes feel someone stamped ?doomed? on my file since the day I was born. No to ?pity parties? just today cannot seem to want to help myself. Am self-employed have a shop/store and already had half a bottle of vodka. Need to close and sleep but debts terrifying. Tis a tad past 12 midday in Melbourne and one thousand things need to be done. Too tired and dispirited to do anything. Really like the sound of Rehab but cannot afford it and no one to look after the shop/store that is open 7 days. Am at breaking point yet again and cannot see a way out.

ops!: ops!: ops!:

[Lorelei]

HELP PLEASE

Oh dear Victory!

You know everything seems clouded when we are drinking. If you are in dire straits you need to put that bottle down and grab some water or tea or basically anything non alcoholic. I've not been following your progress, but are you taking the supplements. They help out ALOT with cravings. Take your life back into your hands! Sometimes life is hard for us but we make the ultimate decision on how to handle it. I repeat take your life back into your hands!!

-lorelei

[magic]

HELP PLEASE

Hi Victory,

Sometimes life just sucks. I hope you shut the shop and went to sleep.

You know, I've been there. You need some different skills and tools and a tad more motivation. You can't make a living if you're drunk by noon.

Eight year old wounds do need to be dealt with, feelings are new to us when we sober up.
Crying is good too, let it out! Scream, stomp your feet! Live with those feelings, don't supress them with the alcohol. It's hard at the beginning, i know, but it gets easier in time.

What are you terrified of? Do you want to share? We'll listen. Of course we will.

Yes, there is a way out of all of this. You must keep trying though. We're with you all the way.

magic xx

[fickle]

HELP PLEASE

Aussie & here if you need me!!

Hi Victory,
Are you using supps?? I'm in Australia - bit north of you.. pm me if you want or keep posting here.. i can tell you how to get some things to help you feel better quick!!
RJ's supps are top notch, but when i first started out we could not get them here (couple of years ago) and you can get some things in health food shops now in an emergency.
But yes, you do need to drink as much water as you can. If you are drinking vodka, going cold turkey might be dangerous so you will need to find a doctor to support you in coming off if you want to do it at home. I have run my own business and understand the pressure you are under.. also how bad you must be feeling right now!
Hope you check back in! It's 5.15pm and i'll be around for a while until around 9pm?
Wishing you strength!
:l

[Suki411]

HELP PLEASE

Victory, I'm in exactly the same place that you are (except I'm in Boston, joke but not a good one). Old wounds need to be healed. My bro sexually abused me when I was very young. When I finally started to speak about it after my mom died, my perfect sister didn't believe me.

I was 7 days af and felt fabulous. But the bottle of vodka in the freezer started to call to me. Responsibilities suck, you are running a business, I'm trying to settle my mom's estate, while my money-hungry bro and sis have their hands out, but no one is willing to help me. sold the house,cleaned it out, moved furniture to my sis, while I did all the work and paid for and drove the moving van.

We can do this. We can succeed. I've found more comfort and support here at mwo, than I've ever experienced in my life.

let's try for day1af today.

[Finding My Self]

HELP PLEASE

Victory - oh boy, do I hear you... terrified since two, vodka, tired, own shop on my own, debts.........................but just trust me that it can be different. 6 months sober. I know you can't trust me HOW it can happen as we're all different but just that it IS possible.

RIght....I stopped by having one tot/measure (and no more) 4 times a day for 1 day, 3 times for day 2 and twice day 3..........and stopped. I did tell my doc and wasn't on my own...but it was ok...my body came donw gently and, for me, it stopped the terror=craving spiral. Of course I had cravings...it takes longer than that for them to go but they do in the end when the feeling better seems a preferable way to feel!

The fear - it sounds as if you don't know why you've got it? Me too....but gradually things are becoming clearer....don't let ANYONE say you're a lost cause....NONE of us is EVER that. Just because we/people can't find the treasure doesn't mean there isn't any...they're just not putting in the determination to sort it - don't YOU ever give up on yourself though....drinking is a self-hating action - slowly but surely learning to love yourself (I know, I know) makes a big difference. And if anything ever got me to really, really take 'getting-to-the-bottom-of-it-all' seriously, it was finding myself with a bottle of voddy on my hand at 10 am....it's ok; so many of us have been there.

Just for me....the fear has lessened; I understand more - I am letting go of the self-flaggellation that comes from knowing you feel something and can't stop it...(especially if others'give up on us') We all feel it sometimes and I am trying to 'make friends' with it and, together, we get on well! (Sometimes we stumble and panic but those moments pass.) A lot of folk are just sensitive and that's lovely - just harder to deal with in this hectic world!

All I know now is that I can feel myself 'abandon myself' inside when I have any more than the occasional 100mls of wine-with-water. No wonder I felt so scared before! And yet, what else was I to do without knowing there were other possibilities? MWO has given me the 'support-from-behind' in telling me I am an OK person and that I can do this - 'this' being far more than just being sober! No amount of partner/self/family telling me I HAD to stop drinking and sort my life out was doing anything except tell me I was complete sh*t and useless.........Didn't I want to do that more than anything? And yet I 'couldn't' do it....so I was sh*t so I drank so I couldn't do it....round and b**** round! But I could - this way...here with these lovely people.

I do hope you find a handhold here - we'll hang on to you as you work out where your next foothold is....and then we'll hang on more as you climb up out of that scary hole.

Thinking of you Victory! A wonderful name - hang on to that!

Love FMS xx

[paula]

HELP PLEASE

Hi Victory,
hope you are feeling better. I too have lot's of old wounds and tried talking
about them, but they still keep coming back. The problem is booze makes
it so much worse. keep on sharing on these boards, and you will win this
battle.
Suki we have so much in common, know just how you feel, the past is so
painful. Yes we can do it. Paula. xx

[Cinders]

HELP PLEASE

Victory,

My heart goes out to you. :h

It is hard enough to slay this problem without all the other realities to worry about. Unfortunately, this problem brings about so many of the other problems. We can't get up and function and face and deal with them like we should. What a viscious cycle!!

FMS gave good advice about cutting down safely if you are drinking large quantities of alcohol. My stint in rehab really drove home how dangerous alcohol withdrawal truly is. I saw first hand a couple of alcoholics seize as they came in the door because they were trying to stop on their own. It is not a pretty sight, believe me. So, if you are a very heavy drinker, I do suggest you got to a doctor and discuss a safe way to come off the alcohol safely. That is STEP 1. Safety and health first.

Second. Yes. Like Suki, Paula and many of us, we drink to mask our emotional issues. It sounds like you have some serious emotional issues to resolve and that is not easy when you are coming off of alcohol, either. I have found I am feeling emotions that I have not felt in years. My body and brain simply do not know how to respond to them. Luckily, I did get a chance to go to rehab and a lot of the focus there was learning how to deal with that aspect because that is the number one cause of relapse.

Step 2 is getting a good counselor to help you with that very tricky and emotional ride you will take when you rid yourself of the poison you are using to hide yourself from yourself.

Step 3 is the ongoing work it takes to stay sober and heal for the rest of your life.

Sounds simple, and of course it is not.

We are all here for you and will be here with you for each and every step. All of us know exactly what you are going through and how hard it is. :l

You can, and I pray you will, get yourself a better life by beating this. While the booze is a quick fix for the pain, it is the cause of much worse pain and in the end you can never really get away from the pain for good. However, sober, you can face it head on and really heal it for good. It will take time and work but one day it will be a part of your past and you will have a glorious future. To do this, you MUST take Step 1.

Love and prayers for you,
Cindi

[maxman]

HELP PLEASE

hey Victory, if you have private health insurance some rehab is free, check out the beluera clinic, keep pluggn away, its not easy you will be ok

max

[Victory]

HELP PLEASE

Thank you for your kind words

Back in the harness day two again!!!! It is now 8-48pm Melb time, got here at 7.00am and doing it all over again, must make up for unfinished work.

Ho Hum Another Day in Paradise.

? Finding My Self, yep drinking is such a self-hating action. Which explains the previous post of, ?is drinking a mental illness???? Have the kindest body. Sweats and shakes pass after 48 hours with Berocca?s, fresh juice, clean food and plenty of water. [Sadly after a bottle of Vodka am able to work during detox?????.], such a jolly process!!!!!
? No need for a Dr, the closest Dr is as dumb as dog sh*t. Body bounces back so quickly it?s scary!!! Have always taken extra vitamins including B12 shots weekly, fresh carrot and celery juice, fresh fruit and being a vego body purifies quite quickly. Not sure how my body can be so kind when I am so mean to it. Thank you for your words of wisdom. .
? Fickle am very interested on products available here, please email as not sure how much more I can take of this self harm cycle? Dumb plus????.
? Magic, have talked myself out in therapy over terrors all to no avail!!!
Yep you guessed what is really going on. Perhaps we could have a private email?
? Paula, sometimes wounds go tooooooooooooooo deep. Thousands of $?s later am all talked out and stuff so not resolved. Can I get my money back? [Black joke no need to answer].
? Db2fromala, like alcohol is dangerous to the body??? The counsellor stuff is just not for me as I wish to DROP THE STORY, and they have proved to be so dumb????? But yep the booze is such a vicious cycle and I hate it big time. Thank you all for your kind words. Yep, the booze numbs the emotional pain. I am a trained Social Worker and should know better. Not in the field anymore lucky for my clients.
? Maxman, thank you for your kind advice but only rich or lucky people in Aus have private insurance


Thanks guys, feel so comforted that you all have felt these feelings and have struggled and won. So cannot wait to post AF X 2 years
Kind regards

[satori]

HELP PLEASE

Victory - glad to see you are a bit better!

Re the body bouncing back - I was the same - Like you I took every vitamin and supplement available - and exercised a LOT.
I think maybe THAT is why our bodies WERE able to bounce back for so long.

Deep down I guess I knew I had to do that to offset the damage I knew I was doing with the booze!

Anyway - keep at it - this is a fight you CAN win!

Oh - and I definitely agree with FMS - terror / anxiety are made WORSE by alcohol - once you get some space from the alcohol - the anxiety largely fades away.
That is my experience anyway.

Take care

Love :l

Satori

xxx

[bloggy]

HELP PLEASE

Victory

I am also so happy to hear you are feeling a bit better today.

I recently bought a book recommended here by another member, and I have not even finished it yet, but already I feel much stronger than I did 2 days ago. I have had terrible problems controlling the drink recently, but yesterday on a weekly day out to the city (a big trigger for me) I had 2 beers and struggled to finish them (GASP).

Today I have no intention of drinking and am positive I will accomplish that without cravings and I still have half a book to read.

It is quite spiritual, and may not be helpful for everybody, but many of the things you mentioned in your posts such as 'crying over year old wounds' and 'being terrified since the age of 2', in fact the book states Fear as being the reason behind addiction.

I suggest you and indeed everyone else who is desperate reads this book, I cannot believe how different I feel after just reading half of it.

It is called ' Healing the Addictive Mind' by Lee Jampolsky. I got mine on Amazon.

I send you my very best vibes :h

[fickle]

HELP PLEASE

Victory! Go to Chat!.. am there if you are up for it!