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**Guest** · July 12, 2006, 07:48 AM

Wednesday, July 12th

Wednesday, July 12.

Good morning to all,
Well, what can I say. I did not have a very good night last night. There was a huge argument at work with a co-worker. I will not bore you with the dirty little details. It was just really ugly. Then I came home and what do I do - I pour myself a double scotch - for relaxation. Of all the damned stupid things to do. It's like adding insult to injury. Consequently, this morning I have a headache and the problem at work has not been resolved. I am so angry at myself. It was also interesting how unforgiving my body reacted to this dose of alcohol after a week of abs. I woke up every other hour and this morning I have a VIOLENT headache. Ah sigh - back to the drawing board. The only good thing that happened yesteday was that I finally got my book and the CD's.
Let me limp away and nurse my head and my crumpled ego. No, nothing here to be proud about Susan.
Lori

**Guest** · July 12, 2006, 08:21 AM

Wednesday, July 12th

Re: Wednesday, July 12.

There is DEFINITELY something to be proud of, Lori! A week of abs (congrats) AND you're here today, still struggling, and still wanting to fly--and THAT'S what all these extra wings around you are for! :d

Yesterday is gone--here you are today. As Ram Dass said so simply: Be here now.

Here. Now. Just be.

Breathe deep. You can do it. And we can help! :d :h :P :d

susan

**Guest** · July 12, 2006, 08:30 AM

Wednesday, July 12th

Re: Wednesday, July 12.

'Morning stainers,

36 smiley faces on the calendar today! Just looking at it makes me smile... LOL... It's like a bonus smiley...

I wanted to check on y'all early this morning 'cuz I've got another buzy day ahead... Errands and scrambling to finish getting that yard sale organized. Yk? This will be the first yard sale I've ever done sober. I wonder if the neighbors are as much fun as I remember... tee hee

Lori, it's amasing how our bodies tell on us huh? Sorry your head hurts so bad this morning. I drank (and I mean DRANK!) once since starting MWO. It was almost 3 weeks in... And OMG! My body rebelled like it's never rebelled before. It took almost a week before I really felt like myself again. I have a feeling my body's been TRYING to tell me it didn't react well to booze for a long time. I just didn't listen and would quiet it down with the first drink I could sneak in the morning. Sigh... Well, I don't have to explain THAT cycle here. I'm pretty sure everyone knows what I'm talking about... Anyway, do try to get right back on your MWO horse and ride into tonights sunset, k? There are NO starting over at day 1 rules around here... Just be kind to yourself and your body... Listen to what it's saying to you. You're the only advocate it has...

Y'all have me thinking about so much with all your great posts! Just like realizing that I'm the only advocate my body has on a daily basis. I need to take care of it. That may seem like a no brainer to some folks... But it's a lightbulb thing for me. Funny how we can get so wrapped up into taking care of everyone and everything around us that we neglect or even abuse our own selves... our own bodies. It's like I didn't matter... My health didn't matter as long as I could drink and still "do my job"... To live for the drink... GAK! Everything else was really second. Like if I kept everything else running semi-smoothely I could justify drinking. I could say it wasn't running my life, when in fact it was!

Today my life seems to be comming about. I live for the sheer joy of living. I come first by fiercely defending my health and my sobriety. I'm in charge of that. The family, my "job", is still second. But only because, and you've all heard this before... If MAMA ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy! And guess what? MAMA'S HAPPY!

K, enough rambles... Gosh, y'all make me THINK... Can ya smell the brain cells firing up?

Thanks for being here. Y'all mean an aweful lot to me...

HAPPY NOT HUNGOVER WEDNESDAY Y'ALL!

**Guest** · July 12, 2006, 08:52 AM

Wednesday, July 12th

Re: Wednesday, July 12.

Hi Stainers...(love that Jane)
OMG, I have the worst thought I cant share with you guys. :evil See that.....evil. Anyway...I'll just try to keep it to myself. Meanwhile you guys think nice things and send em my way. I'll be back.
Jane....I'm exactly 36 days with you. I have those smile faces too. (Cept for evil guy is knockin.....go away!)
gabby.....still a stainer

**Guest** · July 12, 2006, 08:55 AM

Wednesday, July 12th

Hi all,

wow - looks like I missed a great day of posting yesterday. I apologize for not checking in - life is busy during the week for me. The discussions of the difference between abs and mods particularly hit home for me. My goal is long term moderation rather than abs, but I think I was a bit over confident as to how straightforward the process would be. As part of a pre-planned evening, I had 2 mojitos last night. I was disappointed that after the second, I could not stop thinking about the third (or 4th). I did not have them, but still.... I know it's still early in the process, but it got me thinking the same things you guys were talking boaut - how will I know where the line is? How long until it's "safe" for me to start drinking in small amounts? Will I ever know?

Then I realized something very surprising - I've actually been able to start listening to myself again. All I used to do was listen to the cravings, think about how to satisfy it without being obvious about it. Last night, even though I was dealing with the cravings, I was able to think about WHY I have them, and why I don't want them anymore (instead of just the basics - I don't want to drink because I don't want to be hungover, etc). Has this happened to anyone else? I am kind of sad that I lost myself there for a while - but I'm so glad that I'm back !!!

Has this happened with anyone else, or is it just me being fanciful? (either way, I like it...)

-Laura
:P

**Guest** · July 12, 2006, 09:21 AM

Wednesday, July 12th

Mornin all "one wing "Angels!

Still in awe of all posted here. Truth.......how good that feels!!

Was watching my favorite teacher on tv this morning and she was talking about seeing her grandbaby before he was born. Had to cry right along with her as she talked about how our Father "sees" us from before our earthly birth and "plans" our days and our purpose here on earth!

Without getting too heavy here, I want you all to know that you were all in "my " plan....I believe that with all my heart.... and all the pain and "life stuff" I've gone through has had a purpose. YOU are ALL so much my purpose at this time in my life.........

Thank you for your "Truth" and for being here when I have to be "lifted" out of the "vat" of life.

Now somebody , please pass the a-- bag to Lori!

And Gabby...........In the name of Jesus(yes I said His name) all evil be gone from your life today and forever!Amen

Nancy & Belle:h :h

**Guest** · July 12, 2006, 09:34 AM

Wednesday, July 12th

Happy Day 12!

Morning All,

Glad to see my questions stirred up so many thoughtful responses. This is what is so special and amazing to me about our group! This is why I think we would benefit from a "Long Timer Abs??" group to keep the conversation and support going. Being a participant in my first 30 day abs event shows me that I would benefit from the experiences of MWOuters who have 6 months, 1 year etc. of experience, successes and "failures" too.

Special note to Lorik, We share almost identical experiences and feelings! I'm with you in that I chose MWO for my recovery because as you said "If I can have it, maybe I won't want it so much." I'm with you 100% in sharing the feeling inside that ABS forever seems like a "sentence" and would only encourage self sabotage.

It's day 22 for me which feels like a long time but I know wholeheartedly that I'm still a very inexperienced beginner at this. I'd personally like to think that someday I will be able to have a glass or two of wine with dinner and happily stop there. I know I'm not there yet and that's what prompted my questions to the group about "the future."

At this point, my personal goal is to reach 30 days which will be July 20. That's next week! After that I think a doable goal for me is to set future mileposts at 10 day increments. I'm looking forward to feeling what 40, 50, 60, who knows how many more days feels. If I slip up and do something I'll regret I intend to brush off and get on with the next 10 reached one at a time. At this point in my recovery process I still like to think about those 2 glassess of wine someday. Down the road who knows? Maybe I'll start feeling more like "Long Timer" Brigid who's lengthy abs time has made that want simply vanish. Brigid's reply to me from her unique and long time perspective was especially helpful and informative to me (thanks Brigid!).

There's my 22 cents for today. You are all awesome and I can't tell you how much I look forward to continuing our journey together. We can't know the future but we do know we're travelling together on a wonderful and important journey!

Matt

**Guest** · July 12, 2006, 11:15 AM

Wednesday, July 12th

Re: Happy Day 12!

I haven't been posting much, but have been reading your posts. Much to think about, I identify with the issue of always wanting to please others. Often I suspect that family come to me with problems, I obsess about them and they are then free to move on. While I can see this isn't healthy, finding a way to change isn't easy.

I love Matt's idea of a thread for "long time" abs-ers. It seems like people tend to move on with their lives and stop posting, (which is probably healthy) but when they do post it is so inspirational. It provides hope - which is certainly something we all can use.

I guess I don't feel I have any special insight at this point - just struggling day to day. I hope that at some point things will get easier, but I am certainly not there yet.

**Guest** · July 12, 2006, 04:52 PM

Wednesday, July 12th

Re: Happy Day 12!

Hello, all!
It is a happy day here in Absville -- Why??? Just cuz we're here.
LorieS - Don't get too down - another lesson learned, eh? You can do it! I'll bet feeling this bad today will put a damper on the next set of urges!!
I've been meaning to get to this for a few days. Deirdre wrote a few days ago about not letting the negative stuff start and take hold.
What if in addition to that we celebrate our positives???? Enjoy, revel in the excellent parts of ourselves we have been too busy beating ourselves up to notice. Maybe our parenting, finishing grad school, exercising, artistic ability, whatever fits for each of us. What if we allowed ourselves to see and celebrate even one way we are great - would we not find more????
I friend paid me a compliment a few months ago and what popped out of my mouth was - "I know, I LOVE that about me!!!!" Shocked the hell out of myself to hear me say that, but it started a real conversation among us and that saying has become a standard.
Here are some things I LOVE about me: I have done a great job raising my kids, I have lost over 100lb in the last year, after a lifetime of being a couch potato I am training for a marathon, my blue eyes are really pretty, I am very good at my job.
So, what do you love about YOU??????????
Peggy

**Guest** · July 12, 2006, 05:00 PM

Wednesday, July 12th

Re: Happy Day 12.

Thanks Peggy,
I needed that. Isn't it the truth. Most of the time we think about the negative side of ours. I guess what I love about me is the fact that I am very creative, cheerful and ready to laugh, incredibly curious about everything and I used to have so much energy. That is what I will get back when I am well again. So I guess I should celebrate what I have left.
Love Lori

**Guest** · July 12, 2006, 05:55 PM

Wednesday, July 12th

Re: Happy Day 12

Hi everyone.

I so enjoyed the posts the other day I thought to myself "I'll be back (said in a tone like Arnie!!!)

The issue of a long term abs group (actually long term anything)has come up before. I argued long and hard for it at the time cos I got so frustrated that people were leaving and I wanted people who were ahead of me to stay because they offered me such hope. I cant recall now why it didnt happen.. I think it was because any splitting of the forums means you have to search longer and harder to find what you want. I suppose it IS natural that if you get yourself back on track that you should 'get on with your life'.

To some extent, that is what i HAVE done and why I dont come here so much anymore. Sometimes when I come here I get confused because on the one hand I enjoy feeling 'powerful' in my time of abstinence and feel like I do have something to share but I resist that feeling because I think the value of this forum is to come for yourself, not for others. So while others may benefit from things anyone may say.. the purpose of the visit must be sort of journalling or reflection (well, for me thats what I try to do). Also, just cos I"m at 8 months does not mean that I'm THERE. I'm only here. Things change all the time and if I dont keep up with my program to support this abstinence decision, I set myself up for failure. If in the future, my decision is moderation or whatever, I still have to run whatever program it is that I've set up to support that.

If I only went to a long time abs forum, I'd miss the posts where people struggle in the beginning and for me, I MUST NOT forget how hard that was. I fear that I'll just think, I did it once I can do it again, so lets try this or that. For me it was bloody hard. There were days I simply thought I COULDNT do it (and nearly didnt). I"m not saying, if I slipped I couldnt do it again, just that I must remember how hard it was for me cos that motivates me.

I like the split of mods and abs. I found it helpful when that happened.. cos thats the split decision we all make. soyou can see what people on a particular path are doing. If I thought I'd try mods, I trawl through their posts. Cos I'm not, I dont so my focus is on the decision I made for me and to continue to support that.

Matt, one thing that I found helped me so much here was I made a close connection with Kel (lovecarps). She and I were on parallel paths in so many ways and we keep in touch outside of this forum. Having a 'true' partner in those temrs was just so helpful for me. Its not that I can abbrogate my responsibility for myself and my actions... I cant. But I was truly lucky to find such a soul mate here. And those connections, I'd say happen quite a bit here and are very very helpful.

Keep raising the good questions.

And what do I like about myself. Well, for someone who has delusional expectations of herself this is hard - but... I'm a really good mum and I'm versatile, so I've never been qualified for a job that I've applied for and always done well at work.. so you can throw me anywhere and I can survive. And best of all, I've discovered I can change things myself!!!!!

Brigid

**Guest** · July 12, 2006, 06:30 PM

Wednesday, July 12th

Hi All,

Thanks Brigid for all that insight! I agree, that finding a buddy here on the boards is a great idea. I have made some some true friends here that I keep in contact with off the boards and it can really help to have that extra connection!

Hey Peggy, great idea. I love that I am a good camper! Good thing too seeings how I leave tomorrow for my trip. I am very excited to go but kind of sad at the same time! I have been coming here just about every day now for almost four months. Where I am going doesn't even have flushing toilets so I am sure internet access will be at a minimum. I could ask Ranger Wilma to share her computer but I don't think she will! Maybe I could claim I was having a MWO emergency...nah it would never work!

Anyway, I will miss you all! I hope you have a great couple of weeks! Well, I hope you have a wole lot more than just a great couple of weeks, how about a whole life time full of them!! Remember to keep your goals forever in the front of your minds! I'll pop in when I get back.

Donna

**Guest** · July 12, 2006, 07:08 PM

Wednesday, July 12th

I for one will miss you Donna. Have fun tho! Gabby

**Guest** · July 12, 2006, 07:47 PM

Wednesday, July 12th

I will have fun Gabby. Thanks! Hey guess what they have there? They have a GHOST town. The whole campground was built off this old mining town from the 1800's. The kids just have a blast going through all of the old buildings. However, now that they are teenagers we better be keeping a pretty close eye on them...LOL!!

Donna

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