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xtexan
December 16th, 2007, 06:03 PM
Hi fellow Long-Termers:

In the most recent days, I wrote of going through some new changes. I said I would write about them as I got them sorted out, as they are most confusing. One thing has popped up, and it flies in the face of my previous efforts at self-analysis and insight, and I thought I would share it.

I wrote many times of my battle with drinking Neil, and that it was. Fierce, and gory it was. Many times locked in battle with my inner demons, much blood flew. Horrible fits of depression, hopelessness. Emotional terrorism I call it now. All this stuff coming out, and flying in my face. Many of you all know it too well.

What I am going to write of, is probably not best for a person new to sobriety. Probably not possible by a new AF warrior, as I know I could not have done it even in my first year AF.

One thing I learned in self-esteem, and NLP methods, was that of nurturing the inner child. This I did from the very start of my AF journey. It is most important, and I wrote of it often when I first joined MWO. Go to the store, and buy a gift for your inner child. It is almost always a toy, or something that was denied at an early age. I have a bankers box now full of child?s toys, which I actually played with for a short while, and quickly put away once the healing was done in my psyche. Doesn?t take long, is not difficult, but has incredible benefits.

Along with this inner child nurturing, exercises to imagine hugging, or cradling your infant or toddler self during semi-hypnotic sessions proved valuable as well. Again, it was easy to do, not difficult, but oh so important.

What has followed now, and this is the new stuff, is dealing with my drinking self. Recent meditations, and hypnosis sessions, all created by me, and initiated by me, have had me imagining a conversation with myself while drunk and in a fit of self-pity. This, my friends, is psychologically painful to an incredible degree. It requires honesty, insight, and maturity of a sort not possible to me earlier. It is integration. It is a recent method I have devised, using much the same basic psychological tools as before when doing the inner child work.

One has to recall incredibly painful moments, at least the ones I could remember. I have to imagine myself sitting a short distance away, perhaps a bit younger, and thoroughly pissed as you Brits like to say. I can imagine the things I am thinking, and saying with slurred diction. As a sober adult, I bounce the conversation back and forth. Again, very difficult and painful, and couldn?t be done in the early months.
an>
A short example:

Sober Neil: Why did you get trashed again, Neil?
Drunk Neil: Stress got to me this week, and I just felt like it. Quit bugging me.
Sober Neil: So you think you can keep doing this all the time to deal with stress?
Drunk Neil: Maybe, maybe not. Really don?t care right now.
Sober Neil: I bet you do care. What if you could get rid of the stress some other way?
Drunk Neil: Might be all right, but booze makes me less afraid, and more outgoing with the women.
Sober Neil: So I bet you get a lot of women in your state right now?
Drunk Neil: Sometimes, but they?re drunks too, so it?s OK.
Sober Neil: And does that make it worth it?
Drunk Neil: Yea, sometimes, but really don?t care what you think.
Sober Neil: Then why are you here now?

And so on??. That was just a snippet, or example of the dialogue I have been having lately. Before drinking Neil was a horrible monster I had to fight. Now I have a new strength, and sobriety to deal with him in a different way.

So I continue. This is just one of the new things I have been working on. Again, I could have not attempted this in my first year of sobriety, but now seems like I have grown a bit, and these inner sessions done during deep relaxation exercises seem beneficial. An alpha wave hypnosis CD is ideal for this type of work.

More on this later.

Be well.

Neil

Guest
December 16th, 2007, 06:47 PM
I love to read of your experiences Neil.........they really bring home to me how, at almost 5 mths. sober, I have merely dipped my toes in the water.
I sure have a long way to go, but reading how you have fought and won and did it before me makes me all the more determined to know I have beat the bastard for good one day.

Thanks for sharing.

Starlight Impress x

hart
December 16th, 2007, 06:55 PM
Drunk hart says.....so did u get laid or what?

Cinders
December 16th, 2007, 08:19 PM
Neil,

So glad you have found a way to keep the drunk Neil down. That is awesome. The "drunk" side of all of us a very difficult part of our persona to beat, especially in the early days.

It is also very impressive that you still recognize the need to keep the drunk Neil down. We all know drunk Neil, drunk Cindi, drunk can sneak up on us and convince us we need "a drink," which means we need to get blindingly, stupidly, horribly drunk. For many that I have met over the last few weeks, this often leads to more YEARS of doing it rather than just a day or two.

So, while you are so far ahead of me, I will GLADLY use your experience to help me. Selfishly. I must stay sober for my health, for my self-confidence, for my serenity.

Your sharing is invaluable to someone like me who is just starting to embark on the long journey back.

Thank you,
Cindi

Cinders
December 16th, 2007, 08:22 PM
Re Hart's question.

Hopefully the newer conquests are not quite so drunk these days!! :H

Cindi

xtexan
December 16th, 2007, 08:58 PM
oh my, well inquiring minds want to know I bet.

My last tryst with a drunken lady, was back in October 2005. Fueled by much beer, and I had a couple extra bottles of Korbel Brut that had been aging for 3 extra years in the fridge. So I told the lady about that, and she and I ended up at my place, and the Korbel vanished, as did a few pain pills. Hoo boy, I was useless at that point, but thanks to Viagra, the evening was salvaged for us both. Korbel, Vicodin, and cigarettes are a killer for performance.

All I'll confess to now, is that the Viagra is no longer necessary. It's amazing what exercise, proper nutrition, no tobacco, no booze, and a good diet will do for a fella. But I wrote a post on that many moons ago in the Guys section.

I am looking to meet some svelt tee-totaler ladies into yoga these days. I would like to experience some tantric bliss at this point. Google tantric yoga for a preview.

So there you go. New horizons. :cool:

Neil

hart
December 19th, 2007, 10:44 AM
Actually Neil, in all seriousness (and since Joe doesn't get on this forum) one thing I am looking forward to is Joe being able to "perform". Alcohol being a big part of it, of course, but the feelings he has of not being attractive because of the weight gain......which on the one hand I understand as I have gained some too, but on the other hand, I believe him when he says I'm still attractive so, why doesn't he believe me? And the depression, the depression we all know is compounded by alcohol.

So, I want my sober Joe. And I want you to have your slim, sober, yoga-loving, horny (I added that) gal.
:l

lorisunshine
December 19th, 2007, 11:02 AM
Dear Neil,
Thank you for sharing so many pertinent plateaus of your journey into sobriety with us. Following your progress gives so many of us incredible hope of one day achieving where you have gotten to.
Tantric yoga, oh my. Just the process of acquiring and practising this skill sounds like sheer nirvana, never mind perfection.
I hope that you find that svelt tantric godess. You should ask Santa!

Hugs Lori

CaptJBean
December 19th, 2007, 11:35 AM
It's is amazing how sometimes we can talk ourselves down off the ledge...
Can I really let this moment take me to a place that in the end or tomorrow
I will regret having gone?
Thanks...
Rational Emotional Behavioral Therapy

trixietrack
December 19th, 2007, 12:23 PM
Neil I like your approach to heal yourself you must be a brave man.
I must add drunk sex is damn boring.

maxman
December 29th, 2007, 05:12 AM
thankyou neil, that has helped a lot

Finding My Self
December 29th, 2007, 06:28 AM
Neil - as ever, so many wise words! Thanks!

Inner child work...wow...yes.... I have been doing it for some time and really relate to your 'Toy Box'!! (Teddies for me!) But it seems we have a lot more than one child within...or the same one at different stages anyway! And I had an amazing experience in November....a work shop where there was further work on 'things we wanted but didn't seem to be happening'.... (for me, a home of my own...)..... I met a new 'old me' who had been hidden away, asleep, aged about 5 - who had 'run away into the woods to escape the police my mum always said would come and get me and lock me away for being a bad person - who had fallen asleep out there and never been 'found'...until now! It was the most amazing thing to watch her wake up, stretch, sit quietly and expectantly and wait for me to take her out into the world....which we did....and the fun we had!! Everything with a little me in my sacral chakra - lookng out on the world as if looking through curtains (my clothes) for the first time....the excitement, the joy, the pleasure and hope!! It was quite the best 'find' yet!!! She kept saying, "Wow, Mum, this is amazing!!!!" (Sounds daft I know, but I think you know what I mean by this! And it's only my way of 'voicing' it.)

The discussions with a pissed me....? Oooh er.....um, maybe....um...eeek!! Um, I'll let you know! But I can so see how healing that would be.....bit 'behind you' there (8 months)....soon...remind me!

Thanks again Neil.....and a very happy (and sexy!!!!!) 2008! (Send any male versions of your 'lady-finds' over here could you?!?!)

Love FMS xx

YoungAtHeart
December 30th, 2007, 10:42 AM
What wonderful work, Neil--to accept and challenge the drunk Neil.... Thank you for continuing to share your journey so openly with all of us.

Hugs,:l
Kathy

Flip
December 30th, 2007, 06:27 PM
I have lost my inner child. She has disapeared and doesn't exist. I have no memories. I begin to exist at 14 years old when I started drinking..

PeggySue
January 5th, 2008, 08:44 AM
Neil,
Being a Texan, I always gravitate to see what you have to say. Wow, have you come a long way!! Thanks for your insight and sharing. It is VERY helpful to read.
Thanks!