Advice please!

[Daisy Girl]

:thankyou: :new: My husband brought my attention to this program. He is a problem drinker and gets very obnoxious and abusive when drinking. This usually happens in the evening; we can't have a "real" conversation until the morning. We have two children. He moved out a couple months ago because he thought that missing us this would help him get control of his problem. Well, after months of therapy and his move, nothing has changed. He still drinks, abuses, and promises to change.

On his last visit, he said he wanted to come home. He thought my support would help him finally lick this problem. He presented this program to me and said he thinks this is his answer. (He has found many programs in the past, but none have worked). He doesn't want to go the AA route and would like to deal with this more privately.

My question to everyone out there that can help me is, is coming home the answer? Should he deal with this on his own? My life and the life of my kids has been very normal since he's been gone (he does come to visit). There is no more yelling, arguing, cursing, crying. Do I go the one more chance route? There's so much more to the story, but the bottom line is do I let him come home?

[dexterhead]

Advice please!

Daisy .. what a hard one. Could you let him come home with the condition that he is out again with any recurrence of the horrible behavior ? ... and if he has been physically abusive, I'd say absolutely not. And it sounds like he is putting a lot on you to help him lick his problem ... I am probably not helping a lot, I hope others will post who've had more experience with this particular situation.

[Accountable for Me]

Advice please!

Oh, dear, I so feel for you. I have just gone through something quite simular.

If he hasn't changed any, and still is being abusive because he is drinking, then no, I would not let him come back home. For one, you and your kids life is currently better without the fighting and the abuse, right? Secondly, we as alcoholics ALWAYS promise to change.

Ulitmately, it is our responsibility to change.

Do you think things would be better if he returned home? You have to really think long and hard about this. Any relationship that is put on hold or ends is traumatic to begin with, but if you and your kids are happier with the peace in the household, it would be very risky to open this door again. I am not saying this would have to be forever, not at all.

Two months ago I left my husband. We have a small child. I gave up drinking and had made huge strides changing my life in 2007. He is an alcoholic too, and continued on to drink. We would argue, he would pass out, the kid would be upset. After many promises and half-assed attempts of his quitting alcohol, I decided I had to leave. This MAY not be a forever thing, but it is HE that has to be held accountable for his actions and for him to get help or find his way out. My husband has started to work towards recovery, but there is NO way I would unite the family permanently unless he proves he has this under control. As much as I would love to have my family back together, I simply cannot because the destruction will harm our poor little child, let alone me.

Have you checked out Al-anon? They are a wonderful group to help people such as yourself in regards to being close to an alcoholic.

Has your husband seen his doctor? There are many new drugs out there that can help with cravings. Also, maybe a counselor can help the two of you.

It breaks my heart when I hear about families being torn apart because of substance abuse. My own was, so I can completely relate. I wish you and yours all the best.

[Daisy Girl]

Advice please!

Thanks for replying dexterhead and Accountable For Me. I do believe things are better now while he isn't here. He just drank definitely two nights ago and it was questionable last night. He was a bit arrogant, that's why I believe he drank last night. As you know, there are definite signs when using alcohol. He does hide it. I never see him drinking but I have found the bottles and water bottles filled with it. He is verbally abusive during drinking - not so much physical except for in my face yelling and teeth clenching. My child hears these arguments and it tears me apart because I can't stop them. We have gone to counceling and still are, but he lied about alcohol use to the councelor. Apparently, he feels he has hit rock bottom and is ready for honesty and change.

I guess I feel sorry for him. I wish he would get his stuff together and choose his family over the bottle. I'd like to help, but I know he owns this and he needs to find his way out. I'm just not sure how long I can hang around to see progress.

If there's anyone else out there with wise words, please send them my way. I appreciate all the help and support, and will check back often.:thanks:

[Wattle]

Advice please!

Hi Daisy

Firstly... I can only speak from the heart... I would hate to think what the verbal abuse your husband is throwing your way does to you and the long-term impact that will have on your little one... so my head says it's time for him to take himself away and sort it out...

Personally.. and I was never ever aggressive in any manner or form... I couldn't have probably got thru this without my partner... but I knew I had a huge problem and I wanted to change myself...

Catch 22... maybe... but I agree with accountable.... he needs to own up to his problem and be accountable for himself... you don't have to be accountable for him...

So my advise sweetie is as the saying goes... Let him go if he comes back he is yours if he doesn't........... at least you and your child will be safe..

Hope this helps a little..

Cheers

Wattle

[Cinders]

Advice please!

Daisy Girl,

I agree, this is a really tough one to answer, especially since we do not know all the particulars.

But, abusive?? Hell no. I am a total, falling down drunk kind of alcoholic and I have never been abusive to my husband. Period. (Abusive to myself, not my family.)

My gut reaction is ABSOLUTELY do not let him come back until he has proven he can stay sober and will stay sober.

I hate to say this because sobriety is a really rough one. It is truly one day at a time forever. It does get easier, though.

Do not let him put any onus on you for his problem. I am sorry he has this problem and no, it is not his fault he has this problem, BUT it is his responsibilty to deal with it. Not yours and not your children.

My two cents.

My best wishes for him, for you, and your children.

Love,
Cindi

[Daisy Girl]

Advice please!

Advice please

Thank you Wattle and db2fromala. I cannot begin to tell you how the advice I received from this group has helped me.

In my heart I knew letting him come back now would most likely not work, but sometimes you need others to confirm what is "real".

I hope my husband gets the help he needs from this program. It appears to be his (our) last hope.

I will check back often for any responses. I know I will post again as things move forward. Thanks for all the support.:h

[John35]

Advice please!

Daisy Girl, I hope this helps. I lost the woman I wanted to marry and have a family with because I was verbarlly abusive. (never physical), but in this case, words that cut like a knife. Anyhow, she left. I have not had a drink since. I believe a life changing experience like losing a love one(s) can alter your behavior. However, the road is long, and you have exhausted many measures already. Take your time, have faith and hope. Your heart will tell you when, if ever, you can trust him again. MWO has had an invaluable positive impact on me. It will definitely help him.

[Determinatrix]

Advice please!

DaisyG,

I have stood by my husband for 9yrs even tho he struggles with overdrinking.
My sit is different: no abuse, no children.
Other than the drinking, we are very happy. So I choose to stay with him and help him.

I know that if the tables were turned and I was the overdrinker, he would be by my side,
helping me every step of the way and never leave me.

Consider leaving a path for him to be with you even if it takes him a while to get this under control. It's not easy, but would be easier with loved one at his side.

I wish you peace in your decision.
Dx

[Daisy Girl]

Advice please!

Thanks for your support John35 and Determinatrix. I believe John35 can relate to what I'm referring to with the verbal abuse; and throw a child(ren) into the mix and it's devastating.

Hubby does call the children almost nightly and was staying overnight on weekends. That's when I noticed his behaviors were not changing (in reference to drinking, denying the drinking, verbal abuse). He plays the victim role very well, and has been told that his wife and children are the victims, not him, by his therapist. If he was not verbally abusive, and abused only alcohol, I would probably let him come home, be by his side and support him. But when you're getting, as John35 said, words that cut like a knife, it's hard to offer this support.

I'm grateful for all the support that I'm getting from this group of wonderful people. I hope one day I can offer someone else the support that you are all giving me.

Keep in touch! Daisy Girl

[trixietrack]

Advice please!

no is the answer. your husband needs to deal with this on his own. Period. his moving back in will only repeat the cycle.

[Karl1981]

Advice please!

im the same as John35. i have been told im verbally abusive when i drink. but the worst part is i cant remember what i do. i black out. it may not be him doing the abusing it maybe the drink. i know no excuse. but well i have just lost my loved one for being an arse hole. and well i still cant remember what happened when i drank. i dont have kids so im not sure about how it affects them.

hang in there and do what you think is best YOU. lay down the law and make him prove to you that he is bettering himself and quitting drinking, and go from there. be harsh. i wish my girlfriend was harsh on me to let me know..

karl

[kriger]

Advice please!

Daisy,
Has your husband just found this site or is he just getting involved? Does he talk to you about his level of committment to the program. MWO works only if you work it. If he is till lying and hiding his drinking from you that means to me he has not made the committment he needs to battle this problem. Can you talk to him about how you feel when he dishes out the verbal abuse? He either isn't aware of what it is doing to you or he doesn't want to face it. He needs to face some cold, hard facts and get down to business. I sound harsh but this disease is harsh....we are all battling with all we have. We're all here to give him the support he needs, but he needs to make the first move. As for letting him come home- I think he needs to concentrate on himself and getting well-alone. He needs to do some serious soul searching and make some hard choices. Best Wishes, Daisy. kriger

[Waiting for his way out]

Advice please!

Advice Please

You need to buy this book "Tears and Healing" it will help you understand how to make yourself better and how to deal with this type of relationship. You will find an incredible amount of strength in it.

[bestlifeldms]

Advice please!

My words meant nothing to my husband, because I had broken so many promises. I too, was abusive when I drank. When I finally was committed to sobriety, I told my hub that I did not expect him to believe what I said. I told him that I intended to regain his trust slowly, through my actions everyday. That is what I have done for nearly 6 mos. now. You may want to consider telling your husband how nice and emotionally healthy it has been for both you and your kids, to have a peaceful, loving household. That you are not willing to sacrifice any of that. Maybe you could give him a timeframe in which he needs to show you that he is staying sober, 60 days, 90 days~~~ That if he loves you and wants to be a family again, if he can do that, he can come back, conditionally, as long as the behavior doesn't resurface. I would expect him to make a committment to some or all - antabuse, AA, counseling, to show he is serious. Just some thoughts. I hope that this turns out well for you and your family. Hugs, Best