what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

[dexterhead]

I have been coming here daily for more than two months. When I found the site, I was sure it was going to save my life. I read and read and am so inspired. I've read the book, have the supps. Yet for the life of me I can't seem to get started!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did a grand total of TWO AF days last week. I felt pretty good ( I don't think I have a physical addiction). I even slept OK! Then on Day 3, after work, I was really feeling good, so what did I do but stop for a bottle on the way home. WHY????? and of course continued to the same each night since.

I can't figure out my problem. Is it that I don't feel I've caused enough damage? I don't have kids so don't have that issue. I do hate, hate, hate what booze has done to me and I'm scared of what I may have done to myself physically. Why the f--- can't I quit???

Is there some part of my twisted brain that notes, there are people on here who are worse off than me addiction-wise .. or there are people on here who are also still drinking .. so I think it's OK to keep drinking ?? God, what will it take????? bgvhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh €h oops, sorry that was my cat walking on the keyboard but kinda how I feel.

In all things I am a horrible procrastinator (of course, way worse since the drinking thing) . why do today what you can put off for 3 weeks or 6 months. OH God .. whine, whine, whine, wine, wine, wine. I feel really selfish with this post. But if anyone has any wisdom, or anything at all, I would love it :thanks:

[Croft]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

I hear you!! And have come to appreciate you through this site. Love that little travolta cat.

I feel exactly the same way most days. "What is it going to take?" I am actually have a good day today, but I fear that it won't last. And it is so hard. Have you tried the real drugs? I am going to do that as I need more help that your average person.

And don't feel selfish. That is what this website is for. And you should be pleased with 2 AF days. This shit aint easy! It is frickin hard as hell. Give yourself a break. Breathe and find the strength to try again. If you cannot find it today, then maybe tomorrow. But never give up.

[dexterhead]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

thanks croft, maybe i just need cheetos

[Croft]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

well it couldn't hurt. Whatever it takes is what I say. Wish I could say more as I know that it can be so painful to feel so helpless over your own person.

Maybe everytime you want to drink you have to do 10 minutes of your cat moves. Watch the screen and follow that dancing cat for 10 minutes. Not only will you be getting some exercise but if you are drinking you are likely to spill most of it.

[greeneyes]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

Shit Kittyhead, youu made me spew again. This is a high dollar monitor too.

[Prest4time]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

Dexter,

Many have been here for two years now and have found success in many ways, some none at all. This is an awesome program, but it is not a magic pill. I have found that the success of this program goes hand-in-hand with my willingness to do what it takes. Often enough, I have not done my share.

When you do your share, the program does its share, and it works. But if you expect the program to snatch a glass of wine out of your hands, slap you upside the head and hypnotize you and then all is well, it doesnt work like that.

I am sure you know that already, and this is coming from someone who has learned this the hard way. I have had to learn to hate the alcohol more than I crave it. And I'm still on this journey. so

Yep, its very hard in the beginning to lose your best friend, but it does get easier.

The thing that helps me as much as any supplement is a good dose of cardio exercise everyday... it helps you sleep better, feel better, lose some assy, and the endorphins will make you feel so good! I know you are in snowy USA, but if you have some stairs... then run/ walk up and down them till you are exhausted about 3x a day, do something if your aren't already!

All the best,
P4T

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

I figured it out.

Dear DH-
Well, truth or dare? Do you really want to stop drinking? Why? I'll have to go read your old posts to see what the other DH (dexterhead) says....

Dear Dexterhead,
Some of us have the evil Al, some of us have Allie, but you, my friend, have DH.... Richard Cranium.... Dick Head for short....

You need to control DH. Ask Mr D what is he expecting? If he's gonna live with you, then you have to make rules for Mr D. Does he not follow your rules? If not, then you need to put him in time-out (I was gonna say spank him, but I didn't want to offend our non-violents friends.)...:H

Seriously, if you are serious. WHY DO YOU WANT TO STOP????
Much love. I'm laughing at my computer and my kids think I'm drunk. I'm punch happy, that's all!

[lukalee]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

I am sorry Dexter. It is never easy. I went 30 days; it still does not mean shit---I am drinking today. I just have to say that it is an individual process; sometimes it takes longer to get started, someimes it is longer to maintain, sometimes it is easy, sometimes it is hard.

If there was a simple formula and a simple way out, we would not have this problem.I sound like a cliche, but it is true. Hang onto that cat tail, and we will ride this together.

[jupiter]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

That's an interesting question why do you want to stop. When i'm sad and sick then i want to stop when i'm feeling good i want to drink all night

[Not Happy Hour-Happy Life]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

Ok Luka Luka, we cross- posted on different threads- it's okay if you are drinking tonight as long as you don't go overboard, okay (like you really need my PERMISSION? ? Anyway, the mom in me says: Drink- Water-Drink- More water- Drink.... (notice I said drink first- I'm in a good mood)

Great to see you are here celebrating your 30 days, versus hiding in the shadows in shame. There is nothing to be ashamed about- when was the last time you did 30?

Jupiter, I'm the same way. I'd love to crack open a beer to celebrate right now. It's almost as if our brain forgets the nasty pain, the pounding headache, the puke breath, the king-kong stamping.............

[poohbear]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

Dear Dex,

I just want to say that I have no magic answers for you just complete understanding. I am on day 5 AF today and do I want to drink? Hell ya! Why do I want to do that when physically I am feeling much better? Who the heck knows. Part of me wants it so I can forget all the bad stuff going on in my life right now - but will it make it better or make it all go away? Nope it won't. Anway like Happy Hour said you need to decide just exactly why you want to stop and what exactly is going to help you do that. I don't believe in will power when it comes to AL but I do believe in the will to want to quit.

I will end with this - thought it was fitting

Consider failure as a postponement at worst and another step in the process at best.

It's all a process - a hard, long one sometimes but it's a process - take it easy on yourself your not alone.

Pbear

[treeman]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

DH......

i don't know if this will help but here goes.....

i used to drink ~5 days a week.....not getting hammered....just 4-5 beers each night and then 10-12 on the weekends.....

i didn't drink enough to have a hangover nor have any other noticeable problems.....

Why am I here??? i realized that the cashier at the convenience store knew me by face....always buying my 6-pack on the way home from work.....

i realized that i didn't want to be that person....not what i aspired to be.....

now, i also realize that there are side affects to having "just a few"....my health has always been important to me; i was too stubborn to think that the beers were killing me from the inside....

Hope that this helps......

[Suzanna]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

Omigod Treeman, I have to go to different stores so I do not have anybody notice my pattern. Not that they would, but as a drunk I think everybody notices and is concerned about what or how much I'm drinking. I am concerned though about what I'm drinking. You can see I've been here awhile and it has not "took" in me so much yet, although I do have af days pretty regularly. OK Dexterhead, the thing is, the last few days I am almost back in my total bad habits. I feel good when I rack up some af days. I know I prefer feeling that way. So Why??? I think it is the blood sugar thing, at day 4 or 5 it's like a screaming meanie is inside me saying GO GET THE WINE!!! I wish I knew how to weather that screaming meanie. I just have to tough it out. It gets easier after that, that is what alot of friends on here say. I will begin again. We can never give up!!! :h

[Suki411]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

Dexter, relax and don't beat yourself up. That only reinforces negative feelings about yourself, which I personally found to be deadly and destructive. I've been here since the first of November and cannot count how many day 1s I've had.

Like everyone says, it is a process. It's not easy. Everyone is probably going to groan when I quote my grandmother, yet again. But she always said, never regret what you have done, only regret what you have not done. Which to me means, if I hadn't gone on that bender, almost lost my job, had my sister want to commit me, I wouldn't have realized how much AL was controlling my life. So I knew I needed to change. Am not completely AF, but am now beginning to realize what I've given up in life by having a bottle beside me for so long.

We are all here together. We are all here for you, just like you've been for us.

[Deena]

what the HELL is my problem???!!!!!

Hi Dexterhead,
I am not one to give you advice, as I can only manage one AF day here and there myself, never a long sequence of nights. I have yet to set any long term goals for myself.

HOWEVER, I have changed my behavior dramatically since finding this site. Have you changed at all? Have you reduced your intake? Your attitude? Your thinking? In the two months since you've been here, I bet you have made SOME type of progress.

I plan to make small goals, short term ones. Attainable goals. Planning a 30 day AF is too overwhelming to me. If I don't make the 30, I fear I will give up altogether and go back to my old ways and leave this site and my supps and everything behind. I am making progress FINALLY, I don't want to lose that.

Don't give up. Set some small attainable goals, even if it's just for the day. I set one tonight when my husband opened the wine. I'm having 2 glasses and then instead of going upstairs to the jacuzzi and vodka, I'm going to clean out my closet, give myself a facial and go to bed. I also did 1.5 miles on the treadmill today, another small, attainable goal.

I don't mean to discourage anyone going for a long term/30 day AF...I admire you guys to the nth degree...I am not sure I'm ready for that.....YET! A series of small successes may be what I (and you too dex?) need to have the confidence to make that next step.

I'm sure you'll get other, better advice from people, but I feel kinda the same way as you do since finding this site.