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[Noelle]

I can't tell you how many times I've quit drinking. Rehab three times. Etc., etc. etc.. I've been here before. Got the CDs but stopped with an excuse. I just ordered the Kudzu. I can't wait to drink, around 5pm. My daughter doesn't like what I do because she wants to unload her feelings to me and I don't remember them the next day. Like duh! What kind of asshole am I?

I've tried AA.........it's a cult to me, ick. Jeesh, I want to type a lot but I'm so freaked I don't even feel like it.

I know what I am but just don't want to stop, even though I KNOW I should. Duh.

Hopefully when the Kudzu arrives and I start to relistening to the CDs, things will be better. I feel like a loser, even though I know I'm not. It's just so much easier to just give up and drink. I have a lot of stresses at home, but I know they are just excuses. Three rehabs taught me that, but I still resist.

I've read all the positive remarks y'all say to others and I'm not even sure they would make me feel any different. What the hell is wrong with me???????????? Okay, don't answer that. I feel like I'm the round peg in the square hole.

Okay, enough for now, I could write a book............

Thanks for reading..........

Oh, BTW, I'm really good at helping others because of all of my experience in rehabs, but am unable to help myself. Whateverr...............

Sorry that I don't sound so urgent,,,,,,,,,,I'm 56 and have learned to control the emotions.

[Determinator]

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Noelle, glad you are here and sorry to hear your frustration. We are certainly good at frustrating ourselves at times eh? I find that if I'm feeling confused and messed up where I don't know what the heck I'm doing it's usually a sign that I've been neglecting my supplements/vitamins. they really have that much of an impact on my mental strength. that and exercise. it may sound silly and trite but those two things may be more powerful than all the drugs available. and they are healthy

this line that you wrote:
I know what I am but just don't want to stop, even though I KNOW I should. Duh.

made me think of a thread i started in general about the two parts of our brain....the frontal and limbic. classic example of this conflict in our brain. We do and we don't. We know and we don't know. we see and we are blind. sorry, I'm philosphical and sleepy at the same time...bad combo.
stay in touch Nolle, and know we are thinking positive thoughts for you.

[Noelle]

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Determinator..........thanks for the reply. I take a lot of vitamins. I don't exercise and duh, know I should. Here I am, staying up late, drinking wine and also drinking 1/2 coffee. Caffeine is NOT my friend. I'm very close to my wit's end. I'lll stop drinking tomoorrow, tomorrow which never comes. Ya know?

Like I said, I tried to CDS and they worked until my CD player broke. What an excuse, right? That was two November's ago. I feel like I'm too old to change. Fifty-six is OLD. I don't LOOK 56, because alcohol has pickled my face,,,,,,,,,,,,like the portait of Dorian Gray? Is that right? Whatever.............

[maasai]

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noel, its a nice thing that you have posted here, th e biggest setback that you have is your ATTITUDE, before i made a decision as i said before i thought that i would do you it alone, since i keep telling myself am SMART ENOUGH, INTELIGENT ENOUGH, so ican do it by myself, but never till the day i gave up. you said you know all the problems you have are due to your drinking then what next, its only you who can fix, that we cannot do it for you YOU ARE POWERLESS OVER YOUR DRINKING,stop fighting that since its a battle you can never win. keep posting you are in the right place,

[planetjanet]

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Noelle,

Thank you for posting your message and a big hug to you for stepping up to the plate in being honest about your drinking. It's a tough thing to realize that what causes so much mayhem in our lives, is something we LOVE to do. I too, have struggled with my drinking and know exactly how you feel, we all do and again thanks for sharing your story. For me, I don't give a darn how many times I tried to quit and failed, I have to say that each and every time my WILL has gotten stronger and I tell ya, I am not giving up and neither should you. Try to stay strong, you can do it! Just keep fighting, just like we all are and if you drink, just get back on that bull and grab it by the horns....take control!

I hope this helps you a little and please keep posting us with updates. Lots of hugs and best wishes to you.

Big hugs,
Janet
AF Day 3

P.S. I would be happy to buy you a CD player : )

[Guest]

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Hi Noelle,
You say you "just don`t want to stop, even though I KNOW I should".........well, that`s not quite true, is it ?............I mean, it`s the wanting to stop that initially led you here, and it`s that inner desire to stop which can bring you success, provided you invest your all in this..........ain`t really as harrowing as it sounds........promise!!!

The fact that you`ve previously been to rehab doesn`t make you a failure........It`s just that you have yet to fully apply yourself to your mission. You need to give it all you`ve got, by way of diet, supps, exercise, possibly the hypno CDs and perhaps some meds. Be kind to yourself.........indulge your passions in life.........spoil yourself a little and learn to savour each new day in sobriety as an exhilirating adventure, filled with possibilities and opportunities.

You really need to devise a plan of attack against the booze and show that Beast that you mean business.........fight like a man, and you can certainly emerge the victor.

Wishing you love and strength,

Starlight Impress x

[nancy]

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Hi Noelle:welcome:

It must be frustrating to have tried so hard but not to have achieved what you want.
Have you considered medication? I am intrigued by what I have read about this. you can do a search. Take a look through our medications section because there is a lot of interesting drug research posted tthere. I would try meds if I had an unmanageable problem and I would try low doses.

For me, alcohol and coffee are mood elevators. That is they lift your mood temporarily and then make you feel badly in the long run if they are abused. I don't know how we get the rational parts of our brain described by Determinator to get into the driver's seat.

I think exercise lifts mood but doesn't have the negative aspects of caffeine and alcohol. It takes a big mental shift to change established behaviors and get off auto-pilot.

[Carm]

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:welcome: Noelle a big hug, kisses and a "spank"
...like Massai said....your attitude:nutso:
3 rehabs doesnt mean a thing, could be 10, still just tells you that it was not "your way out"...this is why you are here .....MY WAY OUT!!!! Every experience is in retrosperspective a "good" experience because you can learn from it. Dont even start to think that you failed because you did not! You are aware of your problem, different approaches didnt work ......you struggled but you face it. So, dig into the box full of experiences......pick out the useful stuff....throw the other stuff away......mix it all together with our "MWO Blender" and get yourself a nice Frappo...whatever sober chino!

Love ya....mill hugs

[Accountable for Me]

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Noelle, I had been to 2 rehab's, well actually detox - in 2004. I learned a lot there to, but it was a mere 10 days I made it too before I started drinking again. My head wasn't in it. I knew I had to quit drinking, but didn't want to. I had a hard time believing that I couldn't ever drink again. (or at least that was what was taught to me there). Funny, my family took me to rehab both times, but still INSIST I drink with them when I see them. (Although I rarely do - because they are hypocrits).

Anyway, it wasn't until 2006 (the end of) I decided to quit for myself. I had a small child, and although I abstained while being preggers, once I had her I went back to the booze hard. I was so very sick by Dec. 2006 I searched for some miracle cure and found this place. It wasn't a miracle cure, but just relating to people who were feeling alone with this disease made a world of difference in the aid of my recovery. I was completely sober for 5 months! I tend to have the occasional drink from time to time now, but I am aware of where I was and where I want to be.

Where am I going with this? You will ultimately decide when it is right for you. Feeling pressured or guilted into quitting will only hinder you. We will be here for you when you are good and ready. We will be here for you when you get your ammo and start your road to recovery. Stay close and keep us posted.

[Thankful]

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Noelle, welcome. Your post seems very honest and open.
It takes a lot of courage to come to a site like this and say...
I know what I am but just don't want to stop, even though I KNOW I should. Duh.

Some ques to ask yourself (not asking you to post answers unless you want to, hun);
(1) "I know what I am" ...what exactly is that?
(2) If you "just don't want to stop", then are you happy with your day to day life?
(3) If you "know you should", then why do you think you should?

You have to really want this, plain and simple. I agree that your attitude is a sabatoge that the inner you doesn't deserve to have running the show anymore. So you have tried rehab, et al, and they didn't work. That doesn't make you a failure. We only fail when we don't even bother to try. So try again, Noelle. Someday something is going to click and you are going to be amazed at the clarity when it does. Maybe MWO will be that "click" your mind needs.

You control your life. You control you. We will be here to help every step of the way. But you got to take that first step.

Good luck. I wish you the best.

Love, Me
:l

[Cinders]

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Noelle,

I agree with all the above.

The only ones of us who fail are those of us who quit trying.

I refuse to fail.

Hang in there and keep trying.

Cindi

[Gumby]

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The fact that you keep trying says so much. The burden of daily worry takes it toll on us. Yet you keep trying....think about it. You are here and still trying.

I was so where you are at. I wanted it but some part of me didn't. It really pissed me off. I would read others who posted such success, I was happy for them ,yet so jealous.

Somebody mentioned that all of a sudden it will happen. I remember reading that before here...I thought...I wish it was that easy. Everyday I would wake up and say I'm not going to drink today and I would talk myself out of that notion by 5pm and I was drunk by 9pm for many years.

Well something happened, just like they said, I don't want to use a typical AA phrase because I to am not a big advocate of it, but I think, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I got up one morning pucked....blahhh.... and said that's it...no more, enough is enough. I didn't think I had that type of thinking in me, but it was there and although it is a struggle I haven't been drunk since then. I still have urges,I don't want to feel like that ever again though....never.

The only thing you can do is just keep trying...just keep trying. Give yourself credit. You haven't thrown in the towel. Good job on that. Good luck

[dexterhead]

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Noelle, I am where you are, I KNOW what I have to do and have managed a few days alcohol-free this month, but something in my brain still hasn't made that magic click. But I think I am getting there and coming here every day helps me. Just coming here is a big step I think.:h

[kaddy]

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hi all,,,am so glad l found this site,,,l was sober for 6 mouth,,,then had a fall back a few week ago,,,for 2 weeks,,,none stop drinking,,,but been of for 8 days...but finding it very hard this time

[planetjanet]

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Hello Everyone,

Just wanted to add my two cents. Good job for all of us working hard and no matter what PLEASE keep fighting, no matter how many times you fall off that wagon, get right back on. You know the saying: "If you don't succeed, TRY, TRY, again". I believe that this applies to drinking. Noelle, try to take the attitude that you can do this, trust me I know it's hard in the beginning but you will feel better when you take that step. I agree, exercise is one extremely important ingredient in making yourself feel better, even if you just go out for a ten minute walk.

Kaddy, same thing applies to you as well. Think back to the time you were 6 months sober and how good you felt. Just because you are "non-stop" now, doesn't mean you have to be, you can TRY to stop the cycle, don't give up the fight...you are a special person, we all are.

Keep fighting and keep us posted.

Big hugs to everyone,
Janet
AF Day 3