Help me do the right thing

[Frankly]

Hello, I'm new, mother to two sons, 4 grandchildren and married 42 years.

I'm here to get some input on best way to "confront" my son. He is 39, and going downhill fast. In the last 6 months the following has happened to him and maybe more that I don't know:
1. Stopped by police, blew a .26 and "lucked" out and got an impaired driving, went to a weekend rehab required by court. - I helped him with his rent because he was low on money, my 1st big mistake
2. Stopped by police again, speeding (69 in a 55), driving on restricted license (from above ticket), and defective equipment (cracked windshield). He spent night in jail and I bailed him out - my second big mistake.
3. Stopped by police again in his truck but he was not driving but was drunk. Driver of his truck arrested for DUI. I went and picked him up because his truck was impounded. Picking him up was my 3rd big mistake
4. While down letting his dog out while my son was at work I saw a ticket on his dishwasher...My bad, but honestly thought it was one of his former tickets. Nope, he was again stopped for speeding and charged with driving under the influence.

Now my dilemma, I don't know if to tell him I know or let him tell me if he wants to. He has been suicidal in past. Him and I have always been close and it seems to really bother him when he keeps big secrets like this from me which makes his depression worse.

I have promised myself and told him that I can no longer give him any money.. he owes his dad and me over $2000 but is paying $1400 of that back for sure by putting his tax refunds in our bank account, direct deposit. I know this to be fact because he was at our house doing his taxes online.

The money is the least of my worries but I know I only enable by giving him any more.

So, big question is should I tell him I know about this newest ticket? It is almost driving me insane wondering what to do. What is right for him?

Second, he has 2 daughters...only sees 1 but I now really worry about the time he is alone with her. He is not married, lives alone so he is alone with her at least 2 days a week and worry about her safety. She is only 2 1/2 so unable to call us if daddy passes out or whatever. He is never violent that I know of.

Thanks for listening...any suggestions??

[Prest4time]

Help me do the right thing

Hi Frankly.... I love your name!

I dont have a lot of advice, but being 39 myself, I would see something wrong with the picture if I was calling my Mom (or parents) to bail me out of jail, rent payments, etc. As a mother myself to a 21-year-old son, I know it is hard to let them go and face the consequences of life without bailing them out. (thankfully, its only been cell phones being turned off!)

If I were you, I would NOT tell him you saw that ticket. It will only cause him to feel defensive, and the latest ticket is not the issue anyway. The issue is his alcohol problem which is now taking over his life. As a mother, I think the best thing you can do is find a time when he is in a good mood, defenses are down, and talk to him. I would preface it by stating that you are not judging him (a typical thing to feel when confronted) and assure him of your love. But I would let him know that you clearly recognize his battle with alcohol, the consequences that you have witnessed and paid for, and that you did so because we all make mistakes. But you are seeing a pattern of "enabling" that you will no longer continue. Hopefully, he will have the ears to hear you and be willing to talk about solutions.

Have you read any books on Co-dependency? Those are extremely helpful and you will identify with so much. I wish you the best, and hope it all works out for the best for your son.

P4T

[southernbelle47]

Help me do the right thing

What pt4 said!!

Nancy

[YoungAtHeart]

Help me do the right thing

Prest4Time said it about as good as you can. You might also look into Alanon or other familysupport groups to have others to share with. It is good that you are in tune with the ways that you have enabled your son in the past. It is hard to change, but you will feel so much better about yourself. Good luck.

[betty boop]

Help me do the right thing

Frankly my heart goes out to you ....

As the others have said, the recent ticket is only the last straw its not the overall picture ............

Take care & I wish you all the best ......

Keep us posted .......... My thoughts are with you ........

BB xx