PDA

View Full Version : 21 - Life seems to be tearing away



Guest
March 14th, 2006, 03:42 PM
Hi anyone,

This is my first post, as a newcomer to this site.

I am 21, my mother was an extreeme alcoholic, but she could go months with out, but when she drank she could go at it for days on end and seemed almost at deaths door with uncohearant body language and speech. - my mother -was 62

She died on november 20 last year (2005) as a result of a 4 day binge and more than 7 litres of white wine, and a combination of heart medication (which she took to stop her heart palpitating too fast) so in effect if she took enough it would slow her heart down to a stop.

She had attempted this before back in 1999, but she came and told me that she did so and i rang emergancy and saved her life.

ever since....

I was drinking and smoking marijuana on a regular basis with my friends after this first suicide attempt, with no consequences apart from getting away from her drunkeness.

But since then my social life has deteriorated, my circle of friends is down to 2.

I dont have a zest for life.

I do not go out any more, i dont want to work or study - which i really regret, it just seems my lust for life has completlely died out over the past 4 months.

In May last year our old house burnt to the ground,
I would only find out a few months later that they could not determine the start of the blaze..

It was me, a bong i did not rip through, volcanoed in to my bottom drawer that i did not see, left the room and "blaze"

yes you can say lucky no one died, but i mean dosent mean much too me nowadays.

I average about 4.6 litres of beer a day now,
I live in my mothers house, alone paying her bills some how with the help of my 2 sisters but this cant go on forever and i fear i will end up on the streets.

I never pictured this happening "to me"
Suicide is not an option, something about my mother doing it has rendered this alternative useless and unsatisfying.
But it is just as hard to get the motivation to get the ball rolling again - something to do, a career a job...

I am just writing on this site because i believe i am in the right zone now for quitting all this .... everything.

if i could i would become a zen bhuddist monk

I just dont ever see me getting that "childhood" sense of joy and almost obliviousness that comes with being straight.

Thank you for reading all the way down to here, I am unsure where to go in life, and I am so young, as ppl keep telling me,

As you can tell i am not a person of lower intelligence despite all the brain cells i have been killing.

I am currently enrolled in a drug and alcohol rehabilitiation program. which is due to commence in 2 weeks from this day,
Although i dont know if this will ultimatley stamp out my need for self medication....

Feed back most welcome.

los,

Guest
March 14th, 2006, 04:08 PM
Los,
Your story grips at my heart, and yes you are young to have suffered so much. But all the things you are feeling are completely understandable, so be kind to yourself for feeling how you do. I would imagine any normal person would be grieving and feeling the normal amount of sadness/ depression at the loss of their mother at such a young age, and then to have her have died in such a way. It must have made you and your sisters feel somewhat rejected by the choices she made, and that probably compounds your feelings, compounded more with the bills and responsibility that you are facing at such a young age. Its enough to sap the life out of anyone!

My story is much different, but I also had to "grow up" WAY before my time, and while I watched others my age partying and enjoying being young and doing the normal things that 18 to 21 y/olds do, I was faced with what normal 30 year-olds were faced with. Some days it seemed more than I could bear. But now that I am in my late thirties, all of those things that once seemed as though they would crush me, have become the very sources of strength for who I am now. I cannot tell you how many people I have been able to encourage and help because I UNDERSTAND what it is like. I also know that life DOES go on, and even though you may not foresee any joy in your life now, I promise you that life is what you choose to make it. You had no control over your parents and their choices, but you do have control over what you do with the hand you have been dealt. You can allow it to make you stronger, or allow it to destroy you. It can actually be a blessing in disguise if you will allow it to work a GOOD WORK in you that only painful trials can do.

I encourage you to stick close to the people here... you will be amazed at the encouragement and support you will get. The program works really well if you do all aspects of it. It is not a "magic cure" meaning, you still have to use a little good ole' fashion willpower, but it sure makes it a LOT easier!

Lastly, you will just FEEL so much better once you cut back/ stop drinking. When you are drinking that much, you physically feel bad every day, and it makes your whole outlook on life negative and depressing. Just getting it out of your system will make you feel so much more positive and energetic about life, and then you can begin to go from there.

Everyone is here to help you... Let us know how we can best do that! Hang in there girl!

Allie;)

Guest
March 14th, 2006, 04:14 PM
Thank you allie,

You are the first person to "understand", as none of my sisters are alcoholic, and no councilor can provide me with any insight as clear as what you are suggesting,

thank you for your post

Guest
March 14th, 2006, 06:28 PM
I understand you

This life is hard, I will tell you. It's certainly not a life I would have chosen for myself. I have been battling my entire life on trying to find a way out of this mess that is my life. it has been hard, and It's finally made me sick. Maybe an antidepressant would work for you, it has worked for me before. Don't give up. You can never give up, you keep trying. Your life is what is most important for you. Find an inner strength, it's what will propell you forward. You can have a new and better life.

Guest
March 14th, 2006, 09:14 PM
Re: I understand you

Los,
Like I said, just keep posting and sticking close to those here... we will help in any way. Are you able to order anything from the program and get started?

Also, I am sure your sisters are grieving in their own way. Dont feel you are worse because you struggle in this way. They may be venting through other ways... there are many ways to grieve. Struggling with alcohol tends to be a particularly shameful one, especially with women. We can tend to close up and hide it, and other women can tend to be particularly cruel and non-understanding if they have not struggled themselves. Not always, but a lot of times. That is why I loves this website... there is no judgement here, just a lot of understanding and encouragement.

You are also not the only 21 y/o on here. We have had quite a few recently! We vary in age from your age to grandmothers... and we have this common struggle. We have become good friends, and all encourage each other. So please just get connected in whatever way you can, and know that you are not alone!

Allie;)

Guest
March 15th, 2006, 12:00 AM
welcome

Hi Los, Welcome aboard... My God Girl, you've been thru a lot! You sound like a very strong spirited person. I'm glad you've found this site, there's some wonderful people and support here. Stick around, Huh? Hugs Judie

Guest
March 15th, 2006, 11:28 AM
Re: welcome

Hey Loss Infinity,

I'm way older than you, but I was 21 once, and by that time, I had been through a lot of loss and death, my brother, my cousin and a good friend. I will never forget how it felt. Even though, you write so beautifully and eloquently about your pain, that you make it very easy for us to understand you, even if we haven't been through what you have been through. I can only begin to imagine how you feel about the house burning down and your bong. Are you saying that it was your fault? If so, I only know that we have all done things that we deeply regret while we were drinking or drugging that have hurt the people we love or ourselves or cherished things. I hope and pray that you will be able to forgive yourself in time.

I'm glad that you will be going through a program soon. That will give you an intensive opportunity to share your pain and find other ways to deal with it besides using alcohol and drugs. It took me years to understand that I was medicating that pain as a teen with alcohol and drugs. Then, I had a healthier and happier time. But an unhappy marriage, divorce and financial problems, and I was back to self medicating again, and finally here with these wonderful people, and feeling hope about my drinking and my future for the first time in years.

I'm glad you've come here, Infinity....I hope that you will find the support, and eventually hope that you need here. Meanwhile, keep reading and posting. I hope you see that we are a caring community of people. We will embrace you!

Cyber hugs, sweetie!:)
Kathy

Guest
March 15th, 2006, 09:52 PM
Re: welcome

Hi loss infinity, welcome, like Kathy, I'm a bit older than you, but have been through losses all the same, my brother (very close), my husband of 20 years, and my favorite aunt who was actually more of a sister to me. So I know well how pain can drive you to want to numb yourself out . . . but you are still so young and have so much ahead of you, you know, when you are in a fog bank you can't tell if you're in the middle or just on the edge, you just can't see through the fog, but any step might bring you just out of that fog bank into clear air again. Try what is suggested here, just try the vitamins, supplements, you don't even have to invest in the CDs yet, just keep posting and "chatting" with people to get an idea of the support available here.

We're all in this together. Hugs to you
Ter

Guest
March 16th, 2006, 01:32 PM
Re: welcome

Thank you all who have replied,
I need to clarify one thing though - I am not female lol!!!
I am not sure what led to this assumption, but for all future posts please realise that i am a male. :)

Dont worry no offence of anykind was taken, as i have been surrounded by females mostly for all my life that may be why i come across as one ;) i appreciate the support and advice that has been given by all so far.

I am glad to announce i have stopped my marijuana use, on my own unassisted :D - It helps when you are broke ;)

Still substituting with alcohol, but not as much - about half.

Young At Heart: It helps to hear of somebody else feeling the "loss" that has become my burden, and for that i thank you.

Allie: I am not sure wether you meant ordering something from this website or the program i am currently sheduled to commence, but i am positave that this program will offer it's own 'medication'.

Thank you all who have replied for your support and advice.

My heart goes out to everyone on this site.

Loss,

Guest
March 16th, 2006, 06:38 PM
Re: welcome

Loss,
Sorry for the "ass"uming you were female! I was reading through these posts just now... I had been caught up in my own personal issues... imagine that!!! I was in tears reading your post. Just when one thinks their situation is bad... there is just always another person, another story, another situation, that evokes emotions of realizing that "I" am not the only one suffering. I still have me. You still have you. Let's work with that. Plain and simple.
Stay close, please. Lots of us here that care.
Love, Becca