View Full Version : Not Fully on Board

January 17th, 2006, 12:35 AM

I'm not completley on the program. I have been taking the supplements, have been listening to the sleep and subliminual cds--have not listened to the others due to being out of town next week and wanting to give the 21-30 days,which is recommended by RJ, without interruption to it.

The supplements and All One have helped tremendously--have cut my drinking in half. In other words, I have not abstained from drinking completely. Tonight I have had more than my fair share. I know in the morning I will have the anguish of haved drank too much. To all of you that are so strong and have started the program without having all of your "ducks in a row"--I commend you. I have not been participating in the boards (yet still reading every day) knowing that I'm still drinking--less maybe--but still indulging. There's a thread about hypocrites--well, guess what I'm thinking. Anyway, I thank you all for your posts, your suggestions and support of one another. It gives me great hope.

I'll keep reading--you all keep supporting one another. Wake up each morning feeling more confident and clearer and stronger. We will all make our way to being who we were meant to be without substance making us who we are not.

God bless and stay strong.


January 17th, 2006, 12:27 PM
Hi C,

I don't know if many of us can honestly say we are doing the program 100%. I am still struggling with this demon everyday. I think the beauty of this program is the fact that is can be tailored to each person. Some people are going to be able to jump in and do every part of the program 100% and quit alchohol cold turkey, but for most of us(please forgive me-I don't mean to speak for anyone) this isn't a reality.

Initially, I had hoped to do it with just the topa. I had a lot of success with it. But I still am stuggling with drinking out of habit and sometimes bordem. On some days I really feel like I have this thing licked and then others I feel like a scared little child.

I am going for "moderation", but the more I think about it I think that I really need to try a period of absitnence to see if I am really going to be 100% successful. The number of days I drink has really decreased, but sometimes when I drink I still go overboard.

I have the cds now and am really considering the All in One powder. I am on the topa and most of the supps. I am considering a 30 days of abstinence plan to see if I can make it. I know I can if I really try.

I haven't shared this little secret with my husband. For some reason, he thought it was fine to be drunk 3-5 nights per week. I guess it was because I was still able to function. I think I will just try and tell him I am trying to lose weight. I don't want to tell him I have a drinking problem because then I feel like he will always look at me funny every time I do drink.

Oh well, I am on day 2 of 30. Wish me luck!


January 17th, 2006, 12:43 PM

I wish you best of luck with your new goal. Keep posting and let us know how it's going. At 44 days, I still feel so many of the after effects of my drinking. I took my boys out to lunch yesterday. I ordered an iced tea, and told the waitress to make it the tropical kind. My son had this sad expression on his face. I asked him what was wrong. He quietly asked me what a tropical iced tea was. I knew what he was getting at, and I had to give him lots of reassurance it was just "regular tea", no alcohol. I feel so bad that my boys have to worry about me so much. They worry when I go out shopping by myself. My 12 or 10 year old will usually offer to come along so I'm not alone. It's gonna be a long road for them to heal. Gina

January 17th, 2006, 12:45 PM
Hi C and Nina,

I agree, it is our own personal journey which we each have to take on our own way. That is the wonderfu thing with this plan. It isn't AA or rehap....this is our choice and how we can and want it to work.

For me...I decided to go all the way and do the whole plan. But I also added in that I will not drink for.....well I would like to have a glass of wine on my 16th wedding anniversay, Feb. 17th. I am on day 4 by the way...very hard, but I am determined.

What ever your way of doing this program is, please remember, it's nice to have a place to come to where know one will place judgement or blame. I hope I haven't hurt any feelings...I know that I like this site because I can chat....sometimes good, sometimes bad.

Thanks for listening,

January 17th, 2006, 12:50 PM

I know where you are coming from. My kids are 13 & 10. I have put them and my Hubby through sooo much. There will be many months ahead, if not years of healing for my family and self. I just hope I can make it better.


January 17th, 2006, 02:04 PM
Not fully onboard

Thank you all for your posts, they are so helpful to read, and they really do make you feel like you're not alone in this. I did great over the weekend, but then was out to dinner with clients last night and had two glasses of wine, followed by 3 when I got home. Not disastrous, but disappointing, since I was feeling proud of myself making it the two days through the weekend. I am just getting started and haven't received any of the materials and supplements yet (have ordered everything). So I suppose it will be a bit sketchy until I get everything and actually get on the program. I'm encouraged that I've started though. And reading your notes is a good way to prepare for what's ahead. Not going to drink tonight; that's my plan.

You guys rock. Janet

January 17th, 2006, 02:14 PM
Re: Not fully onboard


That is the way to start, good for you! Don't worry so much about last night and try and focus on tonight. I also had many slip up's while I was waiting for all the Supps...Still waiting on the topa.

(Day 4 for me, sorry if I chat alot, just hanging on and getting support today, hoping my topa will arrive soon, lol)


January 17th, 2006, 03:23 PM
Re: Not fully onboard

The topa will make a huge difference. It did for me. I applaude you for starting without it!


January 17th, 2006, 04:46 PM
Re: Not fully onboard

Tammie and Nina,

Thanks so much for your kind words. I find myself coming to this site many times during the day, and it helps to keep my thoughts in perspective. I think you're right, focus on what's ahead, not on past things you can't change.

Hugs to you both, Janet

January 17th, 2006, 06:02 PM
Not Fully on Board

I'm not fully on board either. I thought at the beginning that meant I shouldnt say anything, but many on this forum are doing slightly different things and they use this support to help them, so I thought well, if I help by contributing, that can be my contribution to the forum so therefore I can join in. I choose not to take meds but I am happy to have the meds there as a back up if I fail in this route. So dont worry about feeling like a hypocrite... join in.

From what I've read on this forum, I think a period of absinence is highly recommended if you are trying for moderation. I"ve heard many on this forum say that. Like you, I didnt tell my husband at first. I eventually did (with help from here) and it was really one of the hardest things I did, but I'm glad I did. I'm not saying you have to, but it did help me.

Do you know that when people slip up and write here about it that motivates me so much. I"m not saying I want you to slip, but everytime I tried to stop drinking before I'd slip back and the way people write when they slip reminds me so vividly of why I want to keep strong. Also from reading when people slip, I think the greatest fear is that they go back to where they started from - which is when drinking consumed them.. but here, I think its different, because you tell others about it here and you are on a course to stop.. so while you may feel like its a step backwards, I dont think you have fallen down the whole flight of steps.. if that makes sense. I know its not nice though.. so good luck with your plan.


January 17th, 2006, 07:47 PM
Thank you all!!

Thank you all soooo very much for your words of encouragement and support.

I am really proud that I'm not drinking as much as usual. I think it's really HUGE to be honest--didn't think I had it in me. How you all must feel not drinking at all--you have much to be proud of.

I like remembering what I did the night before--the end of a tv program or dvd--or the conversation I had with my husband before going to bed. I also like getting up in the morning with a clear mind.

We all have our demons. It's nice to have a place to discuss them with people who know where you're coming from and understand. Thank you again for listening.

This is corny, but when I'm at work during the day, I think about the people here and wonder what you're doing, how you're feeling, and try to send out a good feeling that everything is good with you. Take good care.


January 17th, 2006, 08:54 PM
Re: Nina

Wow Gina;

I was touched! On my B'day weekend I brought a bottle of Nando Astispumante and my son came downstairs about an hour later and saw the empty bottle in the sink and said "mom why did you drink all that alcohol"? I was able to reply honestly, that I only had 3 glasses and poured out the rest..But I still wounder what was behind the blank stare that he gave me..

Give the kids a big hug and tell them you're not going backwards! Tell them put on their boots because mom is kicking the S--t out of pain and sad times! Only goodtimes are to come..


January 17th, 2006, 11:32 PM
Not fully on program

Hi All!

Everyone here has something to contribute, whether you're doing everything on the program or not! It took me a while to get everything together, and I lurked around for a while, starting the topa, getting the supplements together, getting the books and tapes, etc., and reading and posting before I even tried stopping drinking. Even then, when I stopped Jan 3rd, it was only 12 days before I had a drinks this past Sunday and Monday. We are constantly learning and growing. Everyone has something to offer, even before you might have stopped! I hope you can believe it. Nina has written some incredibly insightful things, and her openness about her struggles is an inspiration to me when I am struggling. Marcie's courage is valiant. There are so many on this site who have provided me with inspiration and motivation! So Svedka, you are as much a part of this as anyone, and you belong here with all of us.

I learned so much from drinking this weekend, that I can't regret it. I didn't drink too much, and I'm happy about that, and I'm also really glad to be here at home, sober, and posting to all my friends here at MWO. I feel lucky:)


January 17th, 2006, 11:50 PM
Re: Not fully on program

Kathy and All,
I agree that everyone has something to contribute. While I started out doing many of the supps and even got the topa before I found out I couldn't take it, I'm not doing much now except taking a couple kudzu now and then. I still feel a part of the MWO community and feel great motivation and support from each one of you. I relate to every story that is posted on this board. I know if I ever drink again, you will all be in my thoughts. I hope to never be in the place again that I was before I found MWO and started to turn my drinking and my life around.

Glad to know everyone here!


January 20th, 2006, 09:00 PM
Hi Nina,

I wish you luck as well. I can relate to your story and hope that you can obtain your goal.

January 20th, 2006, 10:18 PM
Hi Ya'll!
I was trying to moderate and for awhile thought I was doing great. I would mix a very low alcohol content wine with water so it would be even less alcohol content, and sip one or two glasses. Then I got some real bad news and went on a real bender a few days ago and then had to keep drinking a little each day just to get through the hangover it was so bad. So now I am going for complete abstinence for a good long while and am on day two. I need to get more info before I EVER try moderation if I ever do again. I may add zofran to the topa, and GABA as well. Does anyone know a good brand of GABA? But until more research comes out on who can moderate and who can't, or who needs which meds, I don't think I want to risk it again!


January 20th, 2006, 10:38 PM
I totally understand. I have read the book, had the appointment with a nutrionalist (because I am currently on perscription) and am waiting for my Dr. apt. to see if I can take thetomax. Really am getting anxious about when everything is in place. I plan to start Feb 1 and devout 2 full months of abstinence.

Thanks, this is allnew for me

January 20th, 2006, 11:00 PM
Hi all~

This is hard. I got the book on Tues, read it bought the supliments and started them without the topa. No drink on Tues, Wedn, Thur but now it is the weekend: (heavy drinking night) and feel lost. I am scared to ask my dr. for a script, that I have to admit this problem out loud.

So, I have had a glass of wine, normally by now I would be "out" so something must be working at some level. I know I need to talk to my Dr. and fully commit, But! how will my life look after that? I have been here so long, it is so comfortable, everyone knows what to expect....blah, blah, blah. I know it is all an excuse.

I guess tomorrow is always a new day.

Bless you all, I hope we all can find our dreams/self/peace what ever we are searching for.


January 21st, 2006, 05:07 PM
Have been on the program for 3 days, all of it. I still have the cravings but I know it's early in the program and I probably need a higher dose of the topa. I'm going to follow the dosage as outlined in the book. I'm really hoping that with more time with the CDs and when I get to higher dosages of the topa, it's going to help a lot. I don't have any problem going several days without any alcohol, but when I decide to have a drink, I usually have 4 or 5. I'm going to keep working at it, I think this is a good program.

BTW - got my topamax off the internet, no prescription. I couldn't bear to tell a doctor and hope he/she would agree to it. Did a google and found it.


January 21st, 2006, 05:25 PM
Hey Gracie

I really started to feel a difference around the end of week 2. Hold on. Increase your Kudzu if you need to, busy yourself, read these Boards, it helps a lot. We are all here for you. I know how hard this is. And if you slip, don't beat yourself up. Everyone here has taught me that you can't get better by beating yourself up. One step at a time. Welcome. Write often!


January 21st, 2006, 05:40 PM
Thanks. I'm really pleased I found this site and this program. All my years of drinking and keeping things to myself (except a few close friends, but even then, I never shared the whole story), and I finally feel like I have an avenue for making things better. I've read a lot of the discussions on this site ... so many familiar stories. I'm encouraged.


January 21st, 2006, 08:31 PM
Hey, Guys,
I love reading the discussion boards; they are so encouraging. Even the ones where people share that they have "blown it". I was a member of Weight Watchers for a year (when I was 23 :D )and one of the major teachings of our leader was, when we slipped, to give our self grace, to get up and start over, and skip the guilt. The guilt and shame is a killer!!!

However, on a personal level, I haven't started with the program. I've gotten all the vitamins...tried the All-One, got it down, and in about 20 minutes threw it all up...but I'm hoping to wait until Topomax arrives. I've been dealing with anxiety attacks for about 2 years, and trying to calm that panicky feeling has been my excuse to let this drinking get WAY out of control. I usually love people, but I've gotten where I don't even want to see people, even dates...takes too much energy to get dressed. I pray that there is hope for me, too.


January 22nd, 2006, 12:12 AM
Not fully on Board

Welcome Diana,

I'm glad that you find some encouragement here. Sorry that your anxiety is so high. Hope that you get comfortable with all of us and can keep your vitamins down:) . They really help. Hope you visit and post often! We're a fun and crazy bunch! I'm sure there is hope for you. It just takes time. We're all a work in progress.:)


January 22nd, 2006, 12:31 AM
Re: Not fully on Board

Hi Diana, and Welcome, I'm the one that's been snivle'n all over the boards today! Not taking any Topa tonite(or any s--t from my Honey!) must be feelin' a little more like me! Almost had even me scared for a while...My headache's gone, but I hope my brain grows back(that shouldn't take long!)
Oh & Kathy thank you for the support, don't know if this is the right place for it .... But Very much heart felt Hugs & Prayrs Judie

January 22nd, 2006, 03:44 PM
Re: Not fully on Board

I read where some of you are having trouble with the All One and find for myself, that if I mix it with about 4 ozs. of Orange Juice with the texture, not the strained, and mix it in with a tiny whisk that it doesn't taste odd or does the texture bother me. I also took it with a couple of ounces of my mocha which has a powdered base, and hence is not entirely smooth in texture. That wasn't as good as the OJ, but bearable.

For some reason, the kudzu is making me slightly sick at my stomach or is the L-glutamine? I began them together and am not sure yet...but, one is. Guess I'll have to try them at different times to see which it is, or if it's the combination.

As each of us struggles, have faith, we are here, and we are being honest and sharing our struggles! Good luck to all.

Hope this hint works with the All One. It's good stuff!


January 22nd, 2006, 10:35 PM
Re: Not fully on Board

Hi Diana....I have full blown panic attacks...I'm not sure if I have them becase I drink...or if I drink because I have them. It is a struggle everyday. Anyway....here I am...and here you are! Good luck to us.


January 31st, 2006, 04:33 AM

I am new to this... so hope it comes out ok.

I don't know if this helps at all.. I too am not on the program yet, but I am waiting for the book, CDs and have an appointment with my doctor to talk about the medications... but I read somthing the other day that I wanted to hold onto.. when I read your post it sounded like you might be in a similar place :

"The clouds pass and the rain does its work,
and all individual beings flow into their forms."

That is an image that I'm holding onto.. kind of like a positive affirmation or a meditative image.

I know that who I really am has nothing to do with alcohol.. it was only away to shut out fear.

I know I don't need it any more. I am only afraid of the withdrawals. Hope the meds help with that.

Hope you are OK

January 31st, 2006, 08:37 AM
Re: hey

Hey Martian,

Hope you don't mind me calling you Martian, I'm lazy, I admit it!

My biggest fear was just the fear. I don't know how much you're drinking now, and that will determine your withdrawal. I was drinking about 1 bottle of wine a day, more on weekends, and I didn't have much in the physical withdrawal department, and the topa really helps balance your mood, even at low doses (at least it did for me). I mostly felt very tired, partly topa and partly not having all that dopamine flying around in my system.

I had more anxiety and fear, not physical, per se, but just, what am I going to do with myself if I'm not drinking? How will I fill up my weekend? That part is weird at first, but it gets easier as you go on and start thinking about things to do. Remembering things that you had wanted to do but didn't get around to because drinking was more important.......

It will come.... Also, I would come to the computer two or three times a day. It really helped.

Hope this helps!


January 31st, 2006, 06:52 PM

Thanks Kathy,
I really appreciate your advice and also reading everyone elses posts. My history goes back 23 years.. I was a very heavy drinker when young and it was only really becoming a mother that saved my life and forced me to find a way to moderate. Last 10 years was on 4 per day, but last 2 years has been bad. Some Heavy life events meant my coping dose went up. I would estimate it's around 2 bottles of wine per day a lot of the time now. I can really feel the effects on my health and my kids are aged 5, 7 & 12. I'm turning 40 this year.. and I absolutely have to slow it down.

In some ways I think my weight going up has meant my drink dose has gone up to compensate. 2 years ago I lost weight and my drinking dose went down to 2 per day for about 6 months. I was pretty happy with that but it only took a big crisis to knock me off the wagon.
And lets face it, in life, @#%$ happens. I have to find some other way to cope with life's inevitable slammers.

Still waiting for book & CD's.. but think just finding this site will help me to focus and get motivated.

The biggest difficulty over the years has been that every time I try to talk to someone about stopping I get one of two reactions:
1. the other person tells me I don't really have a problem and it's all in my head - I'm over reacting - surely I can just have a drink and pull myself together, or
2. the other person reacts with fear, disgust & condemnation as though I should be locked up and my children taken away.

It has been a very real fear for me that someone might try to take my children - I'm a single mum and have had some nasty custody battles. The more I was attacked the worse the fear became.. the more I needed my daily dose to keep sane and stable.. keep on working etc.

Now the panic years are over and I'm in a clear space where hopefully I can focus on getting the daily dose out of my life.

Thank you all so much for being here.. being real and providing some in-between space for support and discussion. I will check in regularly.. I have lots of questions.. and hopefully I can be of some help to others.

I definitely think that there is a direct relationship between fear & alcohol. ie: I began because I was afraid.. and it calmed me down.. but then every time I was hit by fear I needed to drink.. so ultimately not having a drink is a scary situation.. It's like if I don't drink then .. WHAT might happen!!!

I've done detox by myself in the past but then I never drank so much as now.. and also I am older.

The last counsellor I spoke to told me fits, seizures, etc.. so I seriously don't want that happening in front of my kids. So I'm hoping to find some meds to prevent that. I hope something like topa is available in Australia.

February 1st, 2006, 12:02 AM
Re: fear

Hey Martian,

There's a lot I can relate to in your story, and I'd love to talk to you more. If you want to register, you can even send e-mails for things you want to keep more private. It's pretty easy to do. My daughter is older than your kids, and I only have one, but I've been the whole single mom route, and I know the whole issue of people saying "Well why can't you just have one or two?" My ex, who has lived overseas for many years, has turned a blind eye to my drinking, because that would have meant he would have had to do something responsible about our daughter! It was more convenient for him to ignore it! At any rate, I can relate.

I haven't been posting much in the last several days, because I've been very busy sewing flags for my daughter's color guard. I figure I'll be nuts through Sunday. After that, I'll return to a more structured and sane world. I haven't exactly been keeping my nose clean with drinking either, but I have been keeping my head above water, at least.

Now, yawn, I must go to bed, if I'm to function on some minimal level tomorrow.

All the best. Hugs,

February 1st, 2006, 10:14 PM

Hi Kathy,

I thought I did register.. not sure what I did wrong.. will have to figure it out next week. My computer went BUNG this morning so I'll have to wait for a techo to fix it.
In the meantime I'm using my daughter's PC and probably won't get another chance over the weekend.

A Big Thanks for all your posts, It does me good to know you've got a teenage daughter too. We've just started up a bit of a dialogue recently about my drinking since my daughter turned 12. She did some drug & alcohol education at school in year 6 which really got her worried. She understands I've been trying but finds it hard to comprehend why it's not just a simple thing to stop.

I think it will mean a great deal to all my kids when I do manage to stop.. which is going to be real soon. I've decided to start with 3 drinks per day as of yesterday. I'll be really happy if I can keep to that for 2 weeks and then I'll decide what next.

Love & Hugs to you,