My Partners drinking

[loopylooblack]

Hi All

I have been with my partner for almost 5 years we have 2 young children 2gether and i have 3 children from a previous marriage, we lived together up until dec last year.

I had had enough of him drink 2 bottles of red wine a night, lying about his drinking, hiding empty cans under the cupboards and even getting the neighbours to lie to me, saying that he only borrowed so many drinks but in fact he borrowed more!!!

In the end i told him he either got help or he would have to move out, he chose to move out!! which upset me because that meant the drink means more to him than us.

So he moved out but it does not seemed to of helped, i think he is drinking more the other night he stayed at mine and he had 3 bottles of wine!!! i have now told him he can not have the kids over night if he carries on drinking, am i right for doing this, i feel very guilty but what if something happened to one of them!!

We have now deciced to just be friends which i am ok ish about, ive asked him to change his mind but he said lets leave it for now, dont get me wrong i love him to bits but how long can i go on waiting for until he does something about it?

Has anyone been through the same thing?

Lisa

[hippie37]

My Partners drinking

Hi Lisa!

Yes I put my girlfriend through hell for the last 2 years of our relationship. I was doing all the same things as your partner; hiding the cans and bottles or refilling the white spirit ones with water. My relationship with alcohol meant more to me, too, than her or my daughter who is now 3 1/2. I have an agreement with my ex at the moment that if I ever drink again I will not see my daughter on my alloted days until she feels comfortable enough that I am not binging again. I totally agree with this too and making these ground rules early has really helped me. I know because of this I will not have a total relapse and revert back to my old ways and style of living, even though I WAS caught off guard over a month back when my old thinking returned with a vengeance. She's too important to me and it's only through getting help and doing some real soul searching and making some life changing decisions that I'm slowly changing my ways. I have a great relationship with my daughter these days but it could of quite easily gone the other way if I hadn't taken immediate action just over 12 months ago. The only way your partner is going to see things differently is if he puts down the drink and clears his perspective on what he wants out of his life. Without having a clear head he is NEVER going to see things clearly.

Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx

p.s. Yes you are doing the right thing by not letting him see the children while he is still drinking that amount of wine. Your conscience is telling you right. I would not trust myself to be around and have sole responsibility for my daughter if I was still drinking the way I was. (which is probably similar amounts to your partners).

Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx

[loopylooblack]

My Partners drinking

Hi Hippie and Dolphin

Thank you both for your replies.

Dolphin I know exactley what you mean about taking the children to thier fathers funeral, because thats what i often think, if he carries on like he is thats where he will end up.
I just dont know how long i am supposed to wait, 6 months, a year, 2 years, i suppose there is no time limit!

I just hope one day he will realsie what he is missing out on before it is too late.

Thanks again

Lisa

[loopylooblack]

My Partners drinking

Hi All again

Well the other day my partner and i thought it would be best to just stay friends, but i do love him and dont want not to be with him so ive asked him if we can give it another go (but still living apart) he now says the only way we can be a couple again is if i let him have kids over night( he drinks 2 bottles of wine a night) i can not believe he is blackmailing me!! I am not going to let him have kids over night thats for sure, what would you do?
Does he really love me or does he like paying the power trip??

Lisa

[boozehag]

My Partners drinking

I am no expert but it doesnt sound to me like he is in a position to be setting the ground rules or imposing the conditions. He is the one with the problem so he should be agreeing to whatever will be in the best interests of the kids even if that means he doesnt have them overnight whilst he is drinking - it does not sound like he has accepted that he has a problem and as such there is not much you can do until he does.
BH

[Determinatrix]

My Partners drinking

Lisa - Wow. This is a tough situation. He chose to move out, and that must be very painful.
I have been married to an alcohol dependent for 10yrs.
What I learned from my situation was that he needed to deal with this when he was ready.
If you are certain in your initial belief that he not have the kids under certain conditions, do not negotiate for your loneliness.
Seek counseling, make a list of priorities, and make your decisions based on these priorities.
It is normal for your feelings to be all over the place right now, and your kids need you to make good decisions.

Good Luck, and take care of your family,
Dx

[Lila]

My Partners drinking

Lisa,
Please stay strong!!
You can go to al anon - it really can be a lot of fun. A good group will have you laughing about things that seemed so terrible.
You can still love somebody and set boundaries. Like you did.
You sound like a very strong person.
Lila

[Carmac]

My Partners drinking

Dolphin and Lisa,

Such tough choices! And I think I have it tough when it's all just about me since my children are grown. But yes, keeping him away from the kids while under the influence, while a heartbreak is only for the best. Children are so impressionable and vulnerable. Stay strong and keep writing!

[InnerStrength]

My Partners drinking

Lisa, I know this is a relatively old thread but I wanted to show my support as well. You have to follow your heart - your children's safety is #1. You would never forgive yourself if something happened to them. He is trying to manipulate you. Don't let him - it only enables him further and will hurt you (and the children) in the long run. Stay strong and stay close!
Jen