Does the Beast Ever Go Away?

[Mags]

Hi guys. You all know me by now - I've been around here a long time. I'm a really bad alkie but I have been sober for several years now - not just sober but AF. Way too many of you have written to me and said I have beaten the beast. Far from it.

I don't want to be a downer, but I am only being honest. I keep asking myself when that magic moment will happen when I feel free. I know it won't. Don't get me wrong, I wake up every day and go through the day AF and feel wonderful for it. It does make me feel very very free. And most days I don't even want to drink anymore. The thought actually repulses me.

But then there are some times. I am being honest in admitting that I am having them more and more often. My work situation is very stessful right now and my kids are all moved out of the house. I'm in a change period in my life and I don't think I have ever gone through one of these without the alcohol before. I know these are not excuses to start drinking again and I won't. But sometimes I need a hand to hold.

Just because you are sober for a long time doesn't mean that every day still is so easy. I think there is something in the literature about the three or four year mark that crashes down on you. Sometimes day 6 zillion feels like day 2.

Sorry this is not more cheery and upbeat. But at least it is honest. I love all you guys........

[Cinders]

Does the Beast Ever Go Away?

Mags,

I love you right back!!

You know you have my hand to hold anytime you need.

You can call anytime you need.

Your post is not a downer, it is a good post. We all need to remember that we are dealing with something for life. Sometimes we just have to get our arms around that.

Some days are sure better than others, though.

Here is my hand, and here are my prayers that your days get back into beautiful sunshine where you are doing what you want and living life to the fullest.

Love you back.

Your evil twin,
Cindi

[tlrgs]

Does the Beast Ever Go Away?

thank you for sharing and yes even at 10 months for me i feel the same way you do ..
stay strong and think positive ..

[stollies1]

Does the Beast Ever Go Away?

Hi Mags,
Oh I so know what you mean.
I'm nearly 2 years now AF myself and continue to battle the thoughts of just throwing in it and drinking like a fish.
Like you the thought repulses me....but......
I'm still struggling with menopause and the weight that goes with it and sometimes I just think..what the fuck..
But I cant I..I know I cant.
Maybe we can hold each others hand mate.
I will be sending all my positive thoughts to you luv.
Hang in there with me...
Love Victoria xxooxx

[madge22]

Does the Beast Ever Go Away?

Mags... thank you for sharing your concerns... it's a wake-up for all of us that we can't ever forget to stay focused especially during times of stress. I was at a picnic today for our local food bank. It's an annual event for all of us volunteers. Last year at this time, one lady was really into her cups. I felt embarassed for her... today she had a PICC-line. I know what that is..had one for 14 months for chemo treatments. She has double lung cancer and has just started chemo. She was shaking... she has had to quit smoking and drinking if she wants to live. You said you are a reformed "alkie"... you are not alone by any means. All of us who are going through alcoholism or have had cancer know exactly what you mean... we wonder what we did that brought this all on.... we obviously contributed on some level to our ill-health. So, even in remission we cannot forget.. we always keep thinking if we will ever be free... and the answer is probably no for you and anyone who has compromised their health through unhealthy lifestyle. I don't know about you but I am pursuing a major healthy lifestyle these days and just hoping my body will forgive me for all the years of abuse and neglect. Good luck you!!!

[SKendall]

Does the Beast Ever Go Away?

Mags, thanks for such an honest post. I was watching a program on PBS a long time ago and they were interviewing alcoholics - many 10 years plus sober. They were asked a question - If you were on a hi jacked airplane, or one that was in technical trouble, what would you do, some said pray, some said call family and a majority said "drink as much alcohol as was on the plane"

I haven't had as much long term sobriety as you, but just want to relate to your feelings, I think all of us understand.:h

[Chief]

Does the Beast Ever Go Away?

Mags, my hand is there for you anytime...

I can certainly relate...I'm just a little over a year AF and it's all still a learning process....when you drink for thirty years, it takes a few more to figure out just exactly what the hell normal is....if there is such a thing...

We're with you, Mags....

Don

[tawnyfrog]

Does the Beast Ever Go Away?

This is one of those moments when I wish Satori and Bear could weigh in. I think they would both say it's ok to feel like this. It will pass.

You have my utmost respect.

[12many]

Does the Beast Ever Go Away?

MAGS- thanks for your thoughtful post.
Cheers,
D

[irishlady]

Does the Beast Ever Go Away?

Mags, that was some post and it mirrored my thoughts exactly. I am nearly two years AF now and like you I revel in being sober, its a wonderful feeling, but, there are still times when the craving for a drink is as strong as it was in the begining. There are times, although they are few and far between when a black wave of depression washes over me when I am craving a drink and I think WHY ME, why can't I have just one glass of wine, but then I look back at what I have achieved so far and its much too high a price to pay for that one drink.
Meditation has helped me so much in accepting what I am and also in accepting that now, a craving for a drink is just a thought, albeit a strong thought, so I don't have to act on it, just let it go.
Mind you, I am seeing some light at the end of the tunnel, for months when I woke in the morning one of my first thoughts was " its lovely to wake up without the hangover and all the feelings associated with it " but now I don't even think that anymore, I suppose I'm more like " normal " people in as much as they don't thank God for waking up sober. I guess what I'm trying to say is that although we will still have our bad days or even hours or minutes it does in the end get better, but beware!!! the beast never goes away, he may be in a deep, deep sleep in a very dark corner, but he is watching and waiting for a chink in you armour, so we always have to be on guard.

I do admire and respect you for where you are now because I know its not an easy journey to make but its so worthwhile.

Take care,
Love, Louise xx

[cuckoosnest83]

Does the Beast Ever Go Away?

Mags, thank you for your honesty especially for those like me who are trying with some minor success going AF. It helps to know that this is not something that will go away after a month or two of not drinking but something that must be a life long commitment. I guess I just need to get my head around that fact that I must always be vigilant. I have faith that you will be able to make it through this stressful period in your life without alcohol but as others have said my hand is always here. Thank you for being an inspiration to me.

Cucks

[gyco]

Does the Beast Ever Go Away?

hi mags,been where you are several dozen times,i was in treatment this past winter and what an xperience,30 day stint,could of left,whenever,mite of ment losin my job,who knows for sure,this time around was different tho,i seen the carnage that drugs ,alchohol ,and even perscrition drugs can leave,met a lot of fine people that had the same problem as me or worse,the doctor that talked to me was a surgeon,brain,very interestin man,only asked me 3 quetsions,see i had no problem stoppin,just stayin stopped,that is the qiestion we all ask,can we take the next drink,i had to go to the sike hospital to get my answers,is that what you need,somtimes we all need somthing tragic to happen in our lives,it was just a hospital for sick people gyco

[gyco]

Does the Beast Ever Go Away?

mags i hope it helps,thats why i come here its lesss complicated

[rob]

Does the Beast Ever Go Away?

Mags- You have alsways been one of my MWO heroes! There are plenty of hands here, ready and willing to hold yours.

I found out the hard way several years ago that the beast does not go away. I had 3 solid years of sobriety and then decided that drinking wasn't "really" such a big problem. Looking back, I realize that rather than confronting and working through changes that were happening in my life I was hiding from them.

I'm so glad that you have the wisdom to recognize the changes in your life and to come here and talk about them and the stress that they are causing you. I know that change is uncomfortable, hard and sometimes sad, but talking about it and dealing with it will save you much heartache in the long run.

Love and Peace
Rob

[greeneyes]

Does the Beast Ever Go Away?

My dear Mags, my hand is always outstretched. As you know, I too am facing a major life change, Although it's only been a couple months AF for me, I feel the pull of AL in unsettling moments. Most of my moments ARE unsettling. I am needing many hands at the moment. Fortunately many are a phone call or a short drive or a post on this board away. I don't know if we'll ever be free, but we can always be there for each other. We can take turns rowing the boat. :l:h Greenie