View Full Version : Does the Beast Ever Go Away?

August 23rd, 2008, 09:20 PM
Hi guys. You all know me by now - I've been around here a long time. I'm a really bad alkie but I have been sober for several years now - not just sober but AF. Way too many of you have written to me and said I have beaten the beast. Far from it.

I don't want to be a downer, but I am only being honest. I keep asking myself when that magic moment will happen when I feel free. I know it won't. Don't get me wrong, I wake up every day and go through the day AF and feel wonderful for it. It does make me feel very very free. And most days I don't even want to drink anymore. The thought actually repulses me.

But then there are some times. I am being honest in admitting that I am having them more and more often. My work situation is very stessful right now and my kids are all moved out of the house. I'm in a change period in my life and I don't think I have ever gone through one of these without the alcohol before. I know these are not excuses to start drinking again and I won't. But sometimes I need a hand to hold.

Just because you are sober for a long time doesn't mean that every day still is so easy. I think there is something in the literature about the three or four year mark that crashes down on you. Sometimes day 6 zillion feels like day 2.

Sorry this is not more cheery and upbeat. But at least it is honest. I love all you guys........

August 23rd, 2008, 09:29 PM

I love you right back!!

You know you have my hand to hold anytime you need.

You can call anytime you need.

Your post is not a downer, it is a good post. We all need to remember that we are dealing with something for life. Sometimes we just have to get our arms around that.

Some days are sure better than others, though.

Here is my hand, and here are my prayers that your days get back into beautiful sunshine where you are doing what you want and living life to the fullest.

Love you back.

Your evil twin,

August 23rd, 2008, 09:34 PM
thank you for sharing and yes even at 10 months for me i feel the same way you do ..
stay strong and think positive ..

August 23rd, 2008, 09:58 PM
Hi Mags,
Oh I so know what you mean.
I'm nearly 2 years now AF myself and continue to battle the thoughts of just throwing in it and drinking like a fish.
Like you the thought repulses me....but......
I'm still struggling with menopause and the weight that goes with it and sometimes I just think..what the fuck..
But I cant I..I know I cant.
Maybe we can hold each others hand mate.
I will be sending all my positive thoughts to you luv.
Hang in there with me...
Love Victoria xxooxx

August 23rd, 2008, 11:02 PM
Mags... thank you for sharing your concerns... it's a wake-up for all of us that we can't ever forget to stay focused especially during times of stress. I was at a picnic today for our local food bank. It's an annual event for all of us volunteers. Last year at this time, one lady was really into her cups. I felt embarassed for her... today she had a PICC-line. I know what that is..had one for 14 months for chemo treatments. She has double lung cancer and has just started chemo. She was shaking... she has had to quit smoking and drinking if she wants to live. You said you are a reformed "alkie"... you are not alone by any means. All of us who are going through alcoholism or have had cancer know exactly what you mean... we wonder what we did that brought this all on.... we obviously contributed on some level to our ill-health. So, even in remission we cannot forget.. we always keep thinking if we will ever be free... and the answer is probably no for you and anyone who has compromised their health through unhealthy lifestyle. I don't know about you but I am pursuing a major healthy lifestyle these days and just hoping my body will forgive me for all the years of abuse and neglect. Good luck you!!!

August 23rd, 2008, 11:09 PM
Mags, thanks for such an honest post. I was watching a program on PBS a long time ago and they were interviewing alcoholics - many 10 years plus sober. They were asked a question - If you were on a hi jacked airplane, or one that was in technical trouble, what would you do, some said pray, some said call family and a majority said "drink as much alcohol as was on the plane"

I haven't had as much long term sobriety as you, but just want to relate to your feelings, I think all of us understand.:h

August 24th, 2008, 01:09 AM
Mags, my hand is there for you anytime...

I can certainly relate...I'm just a little over a year AF and it's all still a learning process....when you drink for thirty years, it takes a few more to figure out just exactly what the hell normal is....if there is such a thing...

We're with you, Mags....


August 24th, 2008, 01:19 AM
This is one of those moments when I wish Satori and Bear could weigh in. I think they would both say it's ok to feel like this. It will pass.

You have my utmost respect.

August 24th, 2008, 02:29 AM
MAGS- thanks for your thoughtful post.

August 24th, 2008, 04:23 AM
Mags, that was some post and it mirrored my thoughts exactly. I am nearly two years AF now and like you I revel in being sober, its a wonderful feeling, but, there are still times when the craving for a drink is as strong as it was in the begining. There are times, although they are few and far between when a black wave of depression washes over me when I am craving a drink and I think WHY ME, why can't I have just one glass of wine, but then I look back at what I have achieved so far and its much too high a price to pay for that one drink.
Meditation has helped me so much in accepting what I am and also in accepting that now, a craving for a drink is just a thought, albeit a strong thought, so I don't have to act on it, just let it go.
Mind you, I am seeing some light at the end of the tunnel, for months when I woke in the morning one of my first thoughts was " its lovely to wake up without the hangover and all the feelings associated with it " but now I don't even think that anymore, I suppose I'm more like " normal " people in as much as they don't thank God for waking up sober. I guess what I'm trying to say is that although we will still have our bad days or even hours or minutes it does in the end get better, but beware!!! the beast never goes away, he may be in a deep, deep sleep in a very dark corner, but he is watching and waiting for a chink in you armour, so we always have to be on guard.

I do admire and respect you for where you are now because I know its not an easy journey to make but its so worthwhile.

Take care,
Love, Louise xx

August 24th, 2008, 04:51 AM
Mags, thank you for your honesty especially for those like me who are trying with some minor success going AF. It helps to know that this is not something that will go away after a month or two of not drinking but something that must be a life long commitment. I guess I just need to get my head around that fact that I must always be vigilant. I have faith that you will be able to make it through this stressful period in your life without alcohol but as others have said my hand is always here. Thank you for being an inspiration to me.


August 24th, 2008, 05:07 AM
hi mags,been where you are several dozen times,i was in treatment this past winter and what an xperience,30 day stint,could of left,whenever,mite of ment losin my job,who knows for sure,this time around was different tho,i seen the carnage that drugs ,alchohol ,and even perscrition drugs can leave,met a lot of fine people that had the same problem as me or worse,the doctor that talked to me was a surgeon,brain,very interestin man,only asked me 3 quetsions,see i had no problem stoppin,just stayin stopped,that is the qiestion we all ask,can we take the next drink,i had to go to the sike hospital to get my answers,is that what you need,somtimes we all need somthing tragic to happen in our lives,it was just a hospital for sick people gyco

August 24th, 2008, 05:09 AM
mags i hope it helps,thats why i come here its lesss complicated

August 24th, 2008, 05:20 AM
Mags- You have alsways been one of my MWO heroes! There are plenty of hands here, ready and willing to hold yours.

I found out the hard way several years ago that the beast does not go away. I had 3 solid years of sobriety and then decided that drinking wasn't "really" such a big problem. Looking back, I realize that rather than confronting and working through changes that were happening in my life I was hiding from them.

I'm so glad that you have the wisdom to recognize the changes in your life and to come here and talk about them and the stress that they are causing you. I know that change is uncomfortable, hard and sometimes sad, but talking about it and dealing with it will save you much heartache in the long run.

Love and Peace

August 24th, 2008, 05:46 AM
My dear Mags, my hand is always outstretched. As you know, I too am facing a major life change, Although it's only been a couple months AF for me, I feel the pull of AL in unsettling moments. Most of my moments ARE unsettling. I am needing many hands at the moment. Fortunately many are a phone call or a short drive or a post on this board away. I don't know if we'll ever be free, but we can always be there for each other. We can take turns rowing the boat. :l:h Greenie

A Work in Progress
August 24th, 2008, 07:03 AM
Mags, that was a GREAT post and this is a wonderful thread. I hope it keeps on getting bumped up, often. Like Rob, I once had 3 years of freedom from alcohol, then decided to drink. With (sometimes) terrible consequences. Sometimes it is not a matter of responding to cravings (or urges or impulses) that recur, even after years have gone by without alcohol, but much more subtle rationalizations. That's what is likely to be my own downfall, and it scares me terribly. I just hope I can keep on being frightened of what my own mind can do to me, by whispering to me that it really would be OK to "have a drink."


August 24th, 2008, 08:22 AM
Mags;390391 wrote:
Just because you are sober for a long time doesn't mean that every day still is so easy.
Thanks for this food for thought, mags.

I've been sober for close to six months now and still sometimes feel I'm missing something. Its not the drink per se, but the camaraderie and companionship that my drinking had provided. I sometimes miss the long conversations, the bantering, the joy of togetherness my drinking sessions with friends provided. But this feeling of loss is very fleeting.

However, the big, big plus is that now for the most part,by being sober I feel free, as if I've got myself out of self-inflicted bondage.

Posts like yours really help us to see sobriety in the right perspective.


August 24th, 2008, 08:31 AM
Mags, my hand is here for you anytime. We so appreciate your honesty and sharing. I think the occasional beast call and the ability to see it for what it is, is a part of our recovery.

So long as we stand back from it, and let it have it's moment, then move forward, we can then carry on with our lives, sober.

Hugs to you my friend for we are all in this journey together.


August 24th, 2008, 08:40 AM
Mags - just wanted to say - EXCELLENT POST!

August 24th, 2008, 04:07 PM
thoughts happen. we don't even need to initiate them, they just come along whether we like it or not. the only choice we have is whether or not to identify with them. Part of this is being present enough to "see" the thought and realize it's not the real "us". Not always easy perhaps.


August 24th, 2008, 04:27 PM
Mags, thank you for that post. It is helpful to know that I must always keep on my guard. I am only just over 6 weeks, feeling good and strong. But I can't expect life to never come up and bite me on the bum again. I guess as long as I am aware of the beast, he she or it cannot beat me.

Thank you, you are truly inspirational
Startingover x

August 25th, 2008, 09:42 AM

Thank you for the post and the reflection! Everyone on this thread is an inspiration to me. While it is a personal war, you all give me the courage to continue the fight!

Day 30 af

August 25th, 2008, 10:45 AM
http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z207/PheonixDragonfly/Other/minotaur.jpg NOPE !, but you cancalm the beast !! IAD.

August 25th, 2008, 10:46 AM
http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z207/PheonixDragonfly/Other/minotaur.jpg NOPE ! But you can tame the best ! IAD.

September 2nd, 2008, 06:36 PM
Dear Mags, yes, thank you for your honesty, I am always here for you, if you need an ear. I am much newer to living without alcohol than you are, 8 months. There are times when the urge is there, and the thoughts of "perhaps a glass or two" would be OK....etc. But, I can honestly say that it is not nearly a daily thing for me. I have changed a lot of my daily routine, in many ways, I have changed my life. I knew that I had to make serious changes and work on my thinking if there was to be any hope of living happilly as a non-drinker. I afford myself no "romantic notions" about drinking. It is not romantic, relaxing and wonderful for me. Drinking mean living with constant depression and anxiety. Daily hangover fog and the constant worry of being "found out".....when I think of those things....I feel so grateful for every day living without alcohol. I hope that this continues!

September 2nd, 2008, 08:13 PM
Your story about life after alcohol is a timely reminder to me to remain AF. I am at day 30 tomorrow and lately I have had thoughts about moderation. I know, in my rational mind, that I can't moderate but I still have these thoughts that it would be Ok to have an ocassional drink. I keep trying to push these thoughts away. Your post has reinforced my committment to be AF. I feel like Kate: I can't go back to that feeling of anxiety and depression that alcohol brought to my life...I just can't go there. Thanks, Mags. I will, forever, work on my drinkin thinkin. I also need to work on changing my life and my daily routine if I am to have long term success. I hope you are able to deal with your life changes successfully- you have come many miles and are an inspiration to all of us here. Thanks again.

September 2nd, 2008, 09:35 PM

With Gratitude and Love, thanks for the sharing.


September 2nd, 2008, 09:48 PM

I heard something in AA today that so reminded me of you and this thread.

"We have to take it one day at a time. Some days you just have to put one foot in front of the other and then do the right thing."

You have told me that so many times.


September 3rd, 2008, 12:13 PM
ODAT...Amen! Some days are easy and some days VERY hard, but as the next day rolls around...OH SO NICE not having a hang-over. Thanks for sharing Mags!

September 5th, 2008, 03:38 PM
Mags, Thanks so much for this very honest and thoughtful post. I am a little over 4 months sober and share the experiences that many have already expressed. While on vacation a week ago, the "beast" was really working hard on me, telling me that "one or two drinks would be ok."

I literally found myself gritting my teeth at times. I just have to remind myself that these thoughts will pass and they do and they come back and it just sucks sometimes. But, I'm sober and I'm proud of myself and I'm proud of all of you because Lord knows it ain't easy. I'm hoping the the thoughts will begin to stretch out more. I am committed to this.
Thanks again.

September 5th, 2008, 05:57 PM
glad this thread is bumped up again ... sometimes the beast is gone but then sometimes he is snapping at my heels ...

September 5th, 2008, 09:04 PM
Hi Mag
Thank you and all the members that have been living a sober life for sharing what you experience.You have traveled down a road I am starting out on.With only a couple AF free months I can only take from your experiences and use them in my battle.The al has lost a bit of control over me it is not a constant enemy in front of me.I do feel though that I can never let my guard down.Your fight and example helps motivate me to continue to stay in touch with people who are doing through actions what is need to live a sober life.Thank you for sharing
Stay Healthy and Keep Fighting