Hello my friends:
Here I am. Quadruple digit dude I am this time around. What a ride.
This will be the last of the ?hundred day series?, but I will probably post at the three-year mark this December.
There have been more changes in this last 100 days, than I have gone through in any other time I think. This is good. I?m not content to rest this case, but seem to be accelerating certain things.
On Meditation:
During the last hundred days, it has become apparent that deep meditation has become one of the keystones of this process. In just the last couple of months, I now have gone from only doing it twice a week for 30-minute sessions, to every day for 1 to 1 ? hours. I am making time in my life for this. The more I read about mental and spiritual development, the more I see the insistence that meditation becomes the centerpiece of any self-improvement program. I?ve been putting the Holosync and Hemisync programs to use every day, which are aids to meditation, and the changes while sometimes unsettling, are dramatic. It is like exercise for the soul. Meditation is becoming quiet, and listening to what is there within, and observing without judgment or passion, and this is the way to get past fear I believe.
The practice of meditation is slowly becoming an emotional dependence for me it seems. I very much look forward to it, and gladly turn off the TV, the computer, the stereo, or whatever distraction there is to go exploring within. This is important.
I cannot stress how important this is for maintaining the long-term growth and development of a mind that seeks sobriety, and not intoxication.
On Growing towards Clarity:
This is probably something that will be hard to understand for some folks, and perfectly clear to others. I don?t post as much as I used to, and for some reason, I don?t feel the need to.
I ask this question, at the risk of alienating a few of you. As you heal, and become whole, and become sane again, do you think you would need to visit this website as much? True, MWO is a critical lifeline to so many, and I found it to be a daily essential at one time. Lately however, as I think less and less about what drinking is, and what it did to me, and how I found ?my way out?, then the less this site becomes an emotional dependence for me.
man;">It is becoming solid in my core essence. I am a hard-core non-drinker now. It is part of my personal religious system now, to be a tee-totaler. It is not just something painted on the top, or a thin veneer glued on. It is becoming the core of what I am. I am a person who does not drink alcohol. Period.
The person who wanted to drink, the person who craved a drink, the person who got drunk, the person who stumbled, fell, puked, or whatever was somebody else. It is not me, and this is what I feel the goal is and should be for Neil.
Although I will visit, and post from time to time, just to keep things in perspective, it will not be a daily thing for me in the future. Know this though, if I ever get into such shape, as that I start to believe that alcohol is something I might want, this will be the first place I go with intensity. Know this as well; I will not rest from my efforts to grow in sobriety. This is still very much a daily regimen I adhere to, to do those things that keep my mind, body, and spirit healthy, and sane. The exercise, supplements, diet, meditation, self-hypnosis, EFT, reading and study, etc. to the end of becoming clear still very much part of the program. Every day.
Every Day.
On the value of sober friends and relationships:
One thing is for sure; we must cultivate relationships based on total sobriety to get to where we need to be. I have been blessed to find such relationships either in my own family, or from this website that help me to such ends. I avoid relationships based on, or even centered on alcohol as a necessity for socialization. This has meant I had to outright leave certain long-term friendships behind, because they were not sane relationships for me. I need honesty, and clarity in my relationships now. This has been one of the more painful and difficult parts of this process, as I felt I was abandoning certain individuals. But as I found later, as long as that individual still had their booze bottle for comfort, then the value of my presence was minimal. Are there relationships in your life, which would not succeed if alcohol were not present? Either for yourself, or for them? This is something that I wanted to avoid for the longest time, but now it is clear for me. Not a pleasant thing to experience, or discuss.
The litmus test I find is this, when the other person demands that I drink in order for them to open up to me. If that is the case, then it is adios amigos. Not healthy. If I cannot just say, ?I don?t drink alcohol?, then if they cannot accept that without judgment, then what is the value? Believe me, this has been another hard time I have had, because every single business function I have to attend, is alcohol saturated. I simply do not open up, or share any personal details of my life now, with those who insist that I drink. Simple as that. Cold perhaps, but it is the way it must be for me.
On Clearing the Deadwood Out:
A lot of you seem to go through those ?spring cleaning? phases during the transition to sobriety. I have gone through them as well. The first big one, was at six-months sober, and I must have hauled away and discarded 2 tons of crap.
Then I did it again at the two-year point, and even more stuff was eliminated. Now, in the last few weeks, the most radical one yet for some reason.
What does this mean, when long time attachments to physical objects change? Actually, I think this is a good thing for me to go through. Case in point: my golf clubs. When I bought them, I had them custom made for me, and intended to keep them for the rest of my life. Then, here just recently, I realized that golfing was something I really did not enjoy, and when I did do it, I was always drinking. The stop at the pro shop always included a load of beer. I have not touched those clubs in almost 5 years now, and now they sit in a pro shop with a ?for sale? sign on them. Glad to be rid of them. That is just one example.
Are there things in your life, that were once absolute treasures, that are now ?don?t cares?? I find that the process of becoming sober, and clear is changing me in ways I did not expect. For some reason now, I find more value in my meditation sessions, than I do material objects that tie me down. I think it is true, when they ask, ?Do you own your possessions, or do they own you??
I am searching for truth, meaning, and purpose these days. I find that a lot of the material things I have collected over the last 25 years, just weigh me down in that quest. No, I?m not going to sell everything, and move to Tibet to become a Buddhist monk, but I do need to severely lighten the load. It seems to be a freeing process. I could not have imagined feeling like this at all, back in December of 2005. That is when I began this process, with that first act of throwing away all the booze bottles and cans. Toxic attachments I call them.
Where to from here?
Don?t know, but whatever direction it is, it will be away from being a drunk, and towards being a sober, happy, healthy, sane human being.
I still am possessed of the fear of relapse into that hellish nightmare. So much so, that I continue to build the wall between that damn booze and myself. I build the wall in both height and thickness. I can?t see it much anymore, but I know it?s there. The only person who can tear that wall down is myself. So the stronger, the thicker, and the higher I build it, the more protection I have. A crisis may come, and the only thing that may save me, is one layer of bricks that I may have put in back in 2006. Can you understand what I mean here?
nt-family: Times New Roman;">I wrote a post over a year ago, about cracks in the foundation. The foundation of sobriety, and things we do to stay free, clear, sane. The booze has the tendency to chip away at the foundation from the outside, and to wear away resistance. So my philosophy is to keep building the wall, and keep looking for cracks in the foundation of my program. Not meditating or exercising enough? By God, I will fix that!! I am not going to say, ?Oh, I have not had a craving in six months, so I can let up now!? BULLSHIT!!
Not gonna happen!! If anything, I?m more intense on everything than ever. Getting sober, is being sober. All the freaking way. Do or die.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I figure this has been a bit different from my previous 100 day series posts, but with good reason. I?m changing, and I think it is good changes. You?ll find me at the front of the battle, with sword in hand, swinging away at anything and everything that even looks like a drink. Thanks to your support, and good words over the last years, I may be bloodied, but I?m still standing.
Love, peace, and health to you, always.
Neil
Here I am. Quadruple digit dude I am this time around. What a ride.
This will be the last of the ?hundred day series?, but I will probably post at the three-year mark this December.
There have been more changes in this last 100 days, than I have gone through in any other time I think. This is good. I?m not content to rest this case, but seem to be accelerating certain things.
On Meditation:
During the last hundred days, it has become apparent that deep meditation has become one of the keystones of this process. In just the last couple of months, I now have gone from only doing it twice a week for 30-minute sessions, to every day for 1 to 1 ? hours. I am making time in my life for this. The more I read about mental and spiritual development, the more I see the insistence that meditation becomes the centerpiece of any self-improvement program. I?ve been putting the Holosync and Hemisync programs to use every day, which are aids to meditation, and the changes while sometimes unsettling, are dramatic. It is like exercise for the soul. Meditation is becoming quiet, and listening to what is there within, and observing without judgment or passion, and this is the way to get past fear I believe.
The practice of meditation is slowly becoming an emotional dependence for me it seems. I very much look forward to it, and gladly turn off the TV, the computer, the stereo, or whatever distraction there is to go exploring within. This is important.
I cannot stress how important this is for maintaining the long-term growth and development of a mind that seeks sobriety, and not intoxication.
On Growing towards Clarity:
This is probably something that will be hard to understand for some folks, and perfectly clear to others. I don?t post as much as I used to, and for some reason, I don?t feel the need to.
I ask this question, at the risk of alienating a few of you. As you heal, and become whole, and become sane again, do you think you would need to visit this website as much? True, MWO is a critical lifeline to so many, and I found it to be a daily essential at one time. Lately however, as I think less and less about what drinking is, and what it did to me, and how I found ?my way out?, then the less this site becomes an emotional dependence for me.
man;">It is becoming solid in my core essence. I am a hard-core non-drinker now. It is part of my personal religious system now, to be a tee-totaler. It is not just something painted on the top, or a thin veneer glued on. It is becoming the core of what I am. I am a person who does not drink alcohol. Period.
The person who wanted to drink, the person who craved a drink, the person who got drunk, the person who stumbled, fell, puked, or whatever was somebody else. It is not me, and this is what I feel the goal is and should be for Neil.
Although I will visit, and post from time to time, just to keep things in perspective, it will not be a daily thing for me in the future. Know this though, if I ever get into such shape, as that I start to believe that alcohol is something I might want, this will be the first place I go with intensity. Know this as well; I will not rest from my efforts to grow in sobriety. This is still very much a daily regimen I adhere to, to do those things that keep my mind, body, and spirit healthy, and sane. The exercise, supplements, diet, meditation, self-hypnosis, EFT, reading and study, etc. to the end of becoming clear still very much part of the program. Every day.
Every Day.
On the value of sober friends and relationships:
One thing is for sure; we must cultivate relationships based on total sobriety to get to where we need to be. I have been blessed to find such relationships either in my own family, or from this website that help me to such ends. I avoid relationships based on, or even centered on alcohol as a necessity for socialization. This has meant I had to outright leave certain long-term friendships behind, because they were not sane relationships for me. I need honesty, and clarity in my relationships now. This has been one of the more painful and difficult parts of this process, as I felt I was abandoning certain individuals. But as I found later, as long as that individual still had their booze bottle for comfort, then the value of my presence was minimal. Are there relationships in your life, which would not succeed if alcohol were not present? Either for yourself, or for them? This is something that I wanted to avoid for the longest time, but now it is clear for me. Not a pleasant thing to experience, or discuss.
The litmus test I find is this, when the other person demands that I drink in order for them to open up to me. If that is the case, then it is adios amigos. Not healthy. If I cannot just say, ?I don?t drink alcohol?, then if they cannot accept that without judgment, then what is the value? Believe me, this has been another hard time I have had, because every single business function I have to attend, is alcohol saturated. I simply do not open up, or share any personal details of my life now, with those who insist that I drink. Simple as that. Cold perhaps, but it is the way it must be for me.
On Clearing the Deadwood Out:
A lot of you seem to go through those ?spring cleaning? phases during the transition to sobriety. I have gone through them as well. The first big one, was at six-months sober, and I must have hauled away and discarded 2 tons of crap.
Then I did it again at the two-year point, and even more stuff was eliminated. Now, in the last few weeks, the most radical one yet for some reason.
What does this mean, when long time attachments to physical objects change? Actually, I think this is a good thing for me to go through. Case in point: my golf clubs. When I bought them, I had them custom made for me, and intended to keep them for the rest of my life. Then, here just recently, I realized that golfing was something I really did not enjoy, and when I did do it, I was always drinking. The stop at the pro shop always included a load of beer. I have not touched those clubs in almost 5 years now, and now they sit in a pro shop with a ?for sale? sign on them. Glad to be rid of them. That is just one example.
Are there things in your life, that were once absolute treasures, that are now ?don?t cares?? I find that the process of becoming sober, and clear is changing me in ways I did not expect. For some reason now, I find more value in my meditation sessions, than I do material objects that tie me down. I think it is true, when they ask, ?Do you own your possessions, or do they own you??
I am searching for truth, meaning, and purpose these days. I find that a lot of the material things I have collected over the last 25 years, just weigh me down in that quest. No, I?m not going to sell everything, and move to Tibet to become a Buddhist monk, but I do need to severely lighten the load. It seems to be a freeing process. I could not have imagined feeling like this at all, back in December of 2005. That is when I began this process, with that first act of throwing away all the booze bottles and cans. Toxic attachments I call them.
Where to from here?
Don?t know, but whatever direction it is, it will be away from being a drunk, and towards being a sober, happy, healthy, sane human being.
I still am possessed of the fear of relapse into that hellish nightmare. So much so, that I continue to build the wall between that damn booze and myself. I build the wall in both height and thickness. I can?t see it much anymore, but I know it?s there. The only person who can tear that wall down is myself. So the stronger, the thicker, and the higher I build it, the more protection I have. A crisis may come, and the only thing that may save me, is one layer of bricks that I may have put in back in 2006. Can you understand what I mean here?
nt-family: Times New Roman;">I wrote a post over a year ago, about cracks in the foundation. The foundation of sobriety, and things we do to stay free, clear, sane. The booze has the tendency to chip away at the foundation from the outside, and to wear away resistance. So my philosophy is to keep building the wall, and keep looking for cracks in the foundation of my program. Not meditating or exercising enough? By God, I will fix that!! I am not going to say, ?Oh, I have not had a craving in six months, so I can let up now!? BULLSHIT!!
Not gonna happen!! If anything, I?m more intense on everything than ever. Getting sober, is being sober. All the freaking way. Do or die.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I figure this has been a bit different from my previous 100 day series posts, but with good reason. I?m changing, and I think it is good changes. You?ll find me at the front of the battle, with sword in hand, swinging away at anything and everything that even looks like a drink. Thanks to your support, and good words over the last years, I may be bloodied, but I?m still standing.
Love, peace, and health to you, always.
Neil
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