1st time... Not sure what to do

[beano]

I have just found this website and am tentatively typing about the worry I have about my wife's drinking. We have been married for 14 years and have 2 children aged 9 and 4. We are both in our mid to late 30s and have had what I thought was the perfect family life until recently that is. I don't drink much at all and never get drunk as I just don't like the effects, also having had to put up with my own mum drinking heavily as I grew up although not to the AL stage just being annoying really and seeing my teetotal dad put up with it has put me off. In all the years we have been together I hated when my wife drank but not because of how much as it was never more than a bottle of wine at weekends but more to do with the change in her behaviour where she always became abusive and sometimes uncontrollable towards me. I always forgave her afterwards and learned to put up with it. Its horrible having to ask her before we go out socialising not to have too much for fear of her arguing with me and exposing her behaviour to others.We have always been very private people and so I have never spoken to anyone about how this makes me feel, to the outside we are normal,happy with great kids who are never exposed to or have witnessed this in their mum. 2 years ago we moved house to a new town and she made friends quickly, gave up her part time job and stayed home, no serious money worries,all seemed perfect until recently. I have noticed her drinking more frequently and it seems like a bottle of wine a night is being drunk although she has made it appear that it is just sociable drinking. I have become accustomed to knowing when she has had a drink by the small changes in her behaviour, becomes loud, cheeky etc then goes to bed early leaving me alone with my worries and thoughts. Last week she has stopped eating regularly and when she does it's just very small portions or snacks which speeds up the alcohol effects, I couldn't understand that after 1 glass of wine she would change so dramatically and put it down to an empty stomach. I now know that she has been drinking more and things came to a head the other day when she became worried about irregular periods and bruises on her legs. I asked her to go to the doctors and she broke down sayng it was because she had a problem with drink. We have talked since and she starts a new part time job in 2weeks and that when that happens she will sort herself out putting the blame for the drinking on being lonely at home with the same routine.She does not drink during the day yet and hasn't let the kids down yet but I am frightened that she is on the absolute brink of going over the edge completely.
I have told her that if that happens we won't have a future and to think about how she will ruin her's,mine and more importantly the childrens lives. She has gone to a trusted friend for 2 days and has promised me that she will sort herself out and things will be different but I'm not sure.
I'm sorry for the long post but I feel punch drunk and am struggling to cope with it all, my job is suffering with the worry, I am terrified of being left on my own, frightened for my kids futures and scared for her. We have had our ups and downs and I have bottled up all my feelings of depression and frustrations and am finding it hard to forgive again although I know I need to if I am going to help her through this. I just feel helpless and very alone with my mind bursting with fears of where it will end, I used to be able to cry but lately I can't even do that.

[lushy]

1st time... Not sure what to do

Sounds like you have been dealing with a lot of these emotions internally. I think it was a great first step that the two of you talked and that she admitted that she knows she has a problem with drinking. Keep open the lines of communication with her. If you think she would be open to it tell her about this website and that there are many, many women here who have the exact same issue who would love to offer her support.

I sincerely wish you the best.

[akgirl]

1st time... Not sure what to do

:l I wish I had the words....sending prayers your way. I hope she gets the help she needs.

[LookingToGrow]

1st time... Not sure what to do

Welcome! Read, post, and stay close. Keep the communication flowing with your wife. I know I would not be here without the support of my husbo. Stay strong and stay the course. We are here for you.

[gyco]

1st time... Not sure what to do

ouch,you never no she might be here already,trust me this a lot easier then some places i dont mention cause it mt offend,have you tried to get councilling,for you not her,it might hep you and then suggest it to her,it mt releive your stress gyco

[tlrgs]

1st time... Not sure what to do

also try AA for her AND AL-ANON FOR YOU everything helps and yes come here everyday for support and read and learn as much as you can for her and you

[GoodAsGold]

1st time... Not sure what to do

You are on the way to surviving this because you are reaching out & asking for help. Good luck to you, please keep coming back. Some people here are also partners of people with an alcohol problem. Their input is invaluable to me

Your partner does sound as if she's developed a habit, a problem. There is every possibility she can move through it & move on. You being so supportive makes that a lot more possible but, in the end it is in her hands.

Look after yourself & pray that she learns to do the same. Do what you can, you can do no more. Keep safe, keep strong. Believe, miracles do happen!

[dlw]

1st time... Not sure what to do

Just dont start yelling at her or confronting her. My husband would do that to me, and I would just become defensive and scared, and this lead me to closet drinking. Unfortunately you cant do this for her. Introduce her to this sight. I am a newby, and AF for 6 days now. I could not of done it without MWO. And last Monday I went to my first AA meeting. Her first step is admission to her problem
Good Luck, you are in my prayers

[nancy]

1st time... Not sure what to do

Well you sound very caring about your wife and you are right to be concerned about your children's welfare. you might want to check out Alanon.

For her, I would suggest you direct her to this website. I think AA turns a lot of women off. Or you could find a women's group for her.

You have been very tolerant but that can enable her and she won't have to change. So that's your huge challenge. If she was a family member who lived separately it would be painful but you could just accept her the way she is and let go. But instead you face it every day and know your kids will too. You live with it day in day out.

Have the strength to confront her in a caring non-judgemental way but also to let her know that you don't accept the status quo because it isn't healthy for any of you. You have a shared life so all of her decisions directly affect you and so you have a right to say what you think should happen.

By coming here, you can hear the other side and also know that there is more to treatment than the dogmatic, religion-based 12 step system. There are a number of medications that can help, psychotherapy, nutritional support, non-12 step group supports.

There is also a big spectrum in alcoholism and individual variations.

Try to treat her non-judgementally but honestly, in terms of letting her know that what she is doing is unhealthy all around, for all of you, her you and your kids. And let her know you are on her side and you will look at what's out there for treatment, find something that works for her.

Good luck

Nancy

[DeeBee]

1st time... Not sure what to do

What an amazing husband you are for coming here to seek help.

You have already been given amazing advice, I hope you wife will get the help she needs.

It is up to your wife to make these changes, unfortunatley you can't do it for her. You have done the right thing by seeking advice so as to understand what your wife is going through.

The best of luck to you and your family!

[periwinkle]

1st time... Not sure what to do

please seek help for you!

beano,

hi! I haven't visted this thread much. I was just checking back on randomname to se if he had replied and saw your thread (sorry I missed it before).

I truly feel for you. I was introduced to alcoholism 30 years ago. My children have a dad with a really serious alcohol problem. I could not trust him with the kids and as a result they grew up without him in their lives. I really believe that treatment has come a long way since then and you have options that I (we) did not have 30 years ago.

Please read the reply I made to randomname earlier today. Maybe some things in that post will apply to you. But it sounds like you may have a more serious situation.

Please seek help for you! And take care of you and your kiddos!

You can pm me or e-mail me. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

periwinkle :l (a hug for you)

[beano]

1st time... Not sure what to do

1st Time...Not sure what to do

Thank you for all your words of support and advice it has been really helpful in getting through the last few days. My wife came home yesterday after what turned out to be a couple of days away binge drinking instead of sorting herself as promised. I decided whilst I was on my own that I only had one decision to make and it wasn't whether I would help her get through this but how I was was going to. When she came back yesterday it was clear she was suffering sever withdrawals, headaches, shakes, feeling sick really it was a nightmare. I managed to get the kids out to play and basically started to talk and at the same time I completely and for the first time broke down in front of her eyes like a child I couldn't help it and neither could she. As we talked taking it in turns explaining what we were both going through I made it clear that I was always going to be there for her and would fight this with her side by side, but this could only happen if I new the whole horrible truth down to every detail. For the next 15 minutes she told me about the 2 bottles of wine a day, sneaking it into small soft drink bottles to drink when out, the hiding places all round the house, the feeling of needing a drink every day, the effect it was having on her body which was starting to look ravaged by it, swollen face, fingers, bruising and I found it hard to take in how my beautiful wife was ruining her body in such a way. After convincing me she needed help fast I persuaded her to go to the doctors yesterday, we got an emergency appointment and I sat with her talking to the doctor about everything. He gave her 5g diazapan to manage the withdrawals and referred her to the hospital to give her a check up due to teh high blood pressure. The doctor has also referred her to I think he said taabs clinic but I dont know what this will be like, if anyone knows can you let me know please. This appointment could take acouple of weeks which I couldn't believe here we were begging for help. We then went to the hospital where things were okay,we were there until 10pm last night and they took a biopsy of her stomach because of the bleeding but they think it shoudl be okay but was a real scare.
The tablets are helping and she can take 3 a day, last night during the night she had massive sweats in bed and a tablet helped and she slept through the rest of the night. This morning was very upsetting but in a good way I think she has realised what has happened and the need to get the help she is crying out for, yesterday was the first full day in as long as she can remember that she hasn't had a drink and it was unbelievably tough on her but she got there, we got there, one battle won in many yet to come I think. She has been incredible brave and I am proud of her attitude to it all, I am here for her in every way and it is breaking my heart to see her in this way and the effect on its having on all our lives.
My wife always says "Gods good for tomorrow" I hope she's right
Thanks again sorry for long post but this helps

[periwinkle]

1st time... Not sure what to do

beano,

I am so relieved to hear that she opened up to you and that she is seeking help. You are awesome to be supporting her in this way. It sounds like that talk was really hard for both of you (but necessary). She will need your support but she also will need some space as she needs to own her recovery.

You, your wife and your kids will be in my prayers. This does affect the entire family. Again, be sure to get professional help for you as well. Let us know how we can support you through this difficult time.


periwinkle :huggy

[IAD]

1st time... Not sure what to do

Beano.......first time, don't worry we'll be gentle with you. Ha! Great You've come to right place to seek help. Have your wife come along for the ride.......place a few threads. Welcome . IAD

[copper]

1st time... Not sure what to do

Dear Beano, you need to put your children first, and then yourself while your wife sorts through her problems. You need to be emotionally strong and physically well in order to be there for your kids and then your wife when she chooses to get help. This is what I learned in Al-Anon.