The Beast is still here...

[Chief]

I was reluctant to post this because I was afraid to discourage all who are trying or maintaining living AF....but I needed to talk to someone about it, and I have talked with my dear friend Star at length the past couple days......she never came right out and said it, but I think she wants me to post....

As you know, I am a little over 14 months AF and have had no real problems remaining so until last Saturday night.....My in laws were here visiting and we went out to eat and when it was time to order drinks, The Beast immediately pops into my head and says..." go ahead, order a bloody mary....you can handle it now....have a drink with your father in law..."

Well, I immediately told the Beast to fuck offand I ordered a virgin bloddy mary. My father in law had 3 rum and cokes....We had a great meal and evening and I thought that was that.....

The Beast didn't think so.....

You see, my FIL is also an alcoholic....was a bad one.....my wife's mother divorced him 30 years ago. But about 10 years ago he quit drinking....just like that. Now he only drinks on special occasions, like visiting us, and he will drink 2-3 drinks and stop.

Well, the in laws go home the next day, but since Saturday night I have been almost obsessed with having a drink.....I keep thinking... " I'm stronger than he is...why can't I do that?"....." I have 14 months AF....can't I test the waters...have just 2 drinks and walk away..."

I have been going round and round with this....and it scares me.....

It scares me and excites me at the same time. I cherish my sobriety, so why would I even be entertaining the thought of "testing the waters"....it's insane.

I haven't drank......but I sure have been thinking about it.....

I just wanted to let everyone know to not get complacent.....after 14 months, this hit me hard and fast, and I won't lie to you....I'm still struggling.

But, Thank God I went to Star.......we have been talking and she's really helped me keep my eye on the ball....Thanks, Star....I love you...

So, keep your eye on the ball everyone......you never know when The Beast will come out of nowhere...we have to be in this for the long haul.....

Don

[A Work in Progress]

The Beast is still here...

Thanks so much for this post, Don, for talking "out loud" to us about this, and admitting how hard it is. I have certainly been in the place you are in, and when I gave in to The Beast, it seemed OK at first. Very easy. No problem. And then... well you know the story. It took me years of misery to get back off the alcohol.

I do hope you stay strong. In a book I just finished reading (Drunkard is the name, it's a good memoir), the guy says: "Nobody EVER looks back and regrets NOT having had a drink... "

best wishes,

wip

[lushy]

The Beast is still here...

Stay strong Don. The Beast is definitely trying to trick you. Don't listen to him.

[irishlady]

The Beast is still here...

A Work in Progress;443194 wrote:

I do hope you stay strong. In a book I just finished reading (Drunkard is the name, it's a good memoir), the guy says: "Nobody EVER looks back and regrets NOT having had a drink... "

wip

WIP, that is so true.
Don, I know exactly where you are at. I have been there so many times over the past 2 years, but especially during the last 6 months. You see someone have a drink and the voice starts to talk to you, " Go on, you're strong now, just have one, you can control it, what harm can one drink do? " and on, and on, and on. I think we know the harm one drink will do, because it never stops at one. For years I'd try and convince myself that I could moderate, but I couldn't, for me it was out of the question.

It is a good idea to come on here and post about things like this, because otherwise people out there trying to go AF will think to themselves, " why am I the only one having a hard time, the long termers seem to be doing ok. " Well, some days we are doing fine, but there are bad days as well.
Now, whenever that voice comes into my head I can think of two very good reasons to ignore it, one, I would be throwing away 2 years of AF just for the sake of a drink, and two, FEAR. The fear of having that one drink. Because I know where that drink will lead me, straight back into that prison it took me so long to escape from.

I love being sober so much more than I ever enjoyed being drunk because the consequences of sobriety are all GOOD ONES.


Louise xx

[Starlight Impress Forever]

The Beast is still here...

I am glad to see that you`ve posted about your current frame of mind, Don, simply because I don`t feel qualified enough, if you like, to advise you, although I`ve tried to help as best I could.

I really think that we very much need the input of the longer AFers here, like Louise, Mags, Neil, brigid et al and I`m relieved to see that some of that input is already forthcoming and hopefully some of the other longer termers will pop in here if time allows.

Don and I quit drinking within days of each other, only I slipped in mid-January. I was under a lot of pressure at that time with illness in my family, but I don`t think that in itself was what caused the slip. I slipped because I fell prey to the very thinking that Don is talking about here.

Before I drank.........Don kept telling me not to do it, saying how I would regret it, but I was feeling very rebellious, telling Don how I felt that it wasn`t enough for me to be able to keep the Beast at bay........Oh no!!!!, as I told Don........I would never feel as if I`d beaten the Beast until such times as I could "take it or leave it", by which I meant that I would be able to have just a couple of drinks every now and then and walk away.

As I`ve posted in the past........my slip didn`t herald the beginning of some beautiful transition into my being a successful moderator........my slip caused me to be blacked out drunk. Thankfully, I managed to put the slip behind me the very next day and I have never drank since........it is thanks to the support and encouragement of Don and other members here that I managed to do that.

I tested those very waters to which you now refer, Don and one night`s drinking was all it took to almost submerge me. I consider myself one of the lucky ones.........not every long termer who slips will return to AF........for some, that one slip could well be the finish and see us once more become the drunks we once were. Testing those waters is akin to playing with fire and I feel certain that you won`t do it, nomatter how strong the temptation........

So, Don and I have talked at length and are left wondering.........my own opinion is that these thoughts will invade our thinking every now and again, perhaps for many years to come........Louise`s post echoes that. I think we`re hardcore alcoholics and to allow ourselves to imagine that we`ll ever be cured is almost ludicrous........we can never afford to test those waters..........the stakes are too high.

As for your FIL now drinking moderately..........well, isn`t he a lucky boy!!!.........am genuinely happy for him, but I think most of us would find our luck running out if we were to try to follow suit.

I honestly believe we`re living "The Neverending Story", but that`s O.K.........just as long as we stay clear of the shark-infested waters.........

It will pass, Don.........you`ve worked so hard for sobriety........you truly deserve it.:l

Star x

[LVT25]

The Beast is still here...

I'm so glad you shared what you're going through Chief. It's hard to imagine after that much time it would still be so hard. Truly sucks!

You will continue to be an inspiration and I always look forward to yours posts and insight.

Thank you.

[A Work in Progress]

The Beast is still here...

Star, your experience obviously was awful. I am so glad you were able to come back from it. In some ways, though, I think it is even more difficult for those (like me and many others) who decide to drink again, and have an easy time of it for a while. If, on the first time we return to drinking (and maybe the second and maybe 4th or 7th times...), if we only have a few drinks during those first occasions, nothing like "before," not getting horribly drunk... then we get sucked back in more deeply to the pattern. I certainly did and many others follow that pattern, as well.

Anyway, Don, you are facing this beast right now, presenting himself in the guise of a reasonable friend... one of the most difficult of all of his disguises to uncover and resist. Be strong.

wip

[Cinders]

The Beast is still here...

Don,

I want to interject one thing here. It is perhaps lost in the entire picture BUT I want you to know and understand that we truly are alcoholics. Truly.

Your desires, which make you guilty, are to be expected, absolutely.

Do not feel badly or think there is something "wrong" with you because you suddenly experienced a "he can do it, I can't" kind of thinking.

You, me, so many here, are hard core alcoholics. i.e. One drink can (and hopefully does not) lead to many more years of misery.

I am "one of us." Truly. I know about what you speak.

However, do not feel badly because of it. It is a physical issue that we did not ask for but are stuck with.

I talked about this with Mags a few days ago (gotta love Mags, she knows of where we are!!), we did not ask for this, we did not "make it happen" but we are what we are. Our physiology makes us alcoholics. Reasons as yet unknown. But, our souls, once we have been drunks, cry out for the beast, NOT OUR FAULT.

Do not feel bad for how you thought or what you want, even now, yes, I know...

Just let the "real" Chief win. The one that knows, he cannot drink. Nor can Cindi. Nor can Star.

Yes, it sucks, but it is not hugely sucking. There are others in this life who deal with so much worse "is sucks." Just go, "This sucks, oh well," and move on.

Don. "Do not get into the ring with the beast because that f@er will win." You know he will. :l

I love you so much for posting this. You are a blessing on this earth. You, too, Star.

Thank you both for being here.

Love,
Cindi

[wonderworld]

The Beast is still here...

Hey Don -

Definitely glad you got that out. I know the place you're in too, I think. In the very long stretches AF, there were times for me when, yes, the physical cravings were LONG gone. Life was good, there was no 'reason' to drink, but something deep down was......'curious', shall we say? On some level that curiosity is valid - it's been a long time. Al's everywhere. You're feeling "solid". WTF not? But yes - that's where the beast can start "erasing" your clarity about what that would do to you in reality. It's a natural thing for us Don to drift there occasionally. BUT - the good (great) news is that you're catching yourself at that place where the "curiosity" morphs into irrational fantasies about "being able" to drink. You cannot. You will be back in the same wretched place. In 2 weeks, 6 months, who knows. REMEMBER how you felt ? REMEMBER!!!!

This moment will pass. Keep talking about it until it does. This is just a blip in the road, and you'll be not only stronger, but wiser, for riding it out. Are you running and stuff? Tire yourself out! And eat and drink well. Do something fun. Indulge yourself a little !

And you're giving us all an excellent example of how NOT to fall down the rabbit hole.
You just keep on giving Chief .

Love you!

ww xox

[Cinders]

The Beast is still here...

Oh, and I am so happy WW is here, too. She knows.

She cares.

She understands.

Love,
Cindi

[Chief]

The Beast is still here...

Thanks everyone....it really means alot to me to have the response and support you have shown....

I've been reading some of Neil's long term posts....it seems he went through a similar experience....his posts are always so enlightening....

It's just that this totally caught me off guard, and The Beast won't seem to let up. I told Cindi I think he thinks he has his foot in the door.....

I just have to guard that fucking door.....

It's a long term deal....no doubt. We are never cured. I went running this afternoon to try and clear the cobwebs.......felt good...

I just need to stay focused....I need to be relentless......I need to succeed because if I don't, I'm not sure I have another sober left.....that's what scares me. Remember, my dad was an alcoholic and ended up committing suicide because he could not quit drinking.

I don't want to ever have to go through day 1 again......

Thanks again everyone......I will be on the boards......the last thing I need to do is try and get through this on my own......

I love this place....sometimes we have drama and bickering, but when the chips fall for one of us....the troops rally.......

Love to all,
Don

[Guest]

The Beast is still here...

Don, I"m glad I came onto mwo today and saw this

Something similar happened to me at 9 months.

You know what kept me sober then? I went into the my story section here and read how many thousands of stories are there from people who dont post on the site, but who poured out their agony as to what drink does for them and it is not good news. In my heart I knew that if I went back to it, I was heading back into what I call the 'my story' madness. Its just not worth it.

If I may be so bold Don.. getting sober is so much more than not drinking (I know I'm saying this to the converted here). This is an opportunity for you to work out what it is about this situation that harms your defenses.. what is the emotion you are trying to escape? Identify and work on it.

Go for a run. And yes, read Neil's posts.. they are great... they talk of the steely determination that is required. Remember you are a non drinker period. Hang on to that for all its worth.

And, I'd have to say that in my experience at 9 months, when I got over it and out the other side something big changed. I am being honest when I say that after working through what it was for me, I have not had such a craving again. For me it was (and always was) about escaping emotion and after 9 months I tackled that and tackling that is a way of life for me. Since I'm tackling it and living emotion much better I do not have cravings.

And I'm rolling in on three years sober now. Too much to give up on now, because as you know, it takes effort to get sober, but it takes less effort to stay sober than it takes to get sober.

Brigid

[Chief]

The Beast is still here...

Thank you, Brigid......I was hoping you would post....

I'm not sure there's an emotion I'm trying to escape.....I've been working on living as a non drinker, and as you know, that means looking at every aspect of your life differently. It's been hard sometimes, but enjoyable others.....I think it just goes along with being a non drinker after so many years as a drinker....it's a journey indeed. When I first quit I thought, "oh good, this will solve everything..."

Doesn't really work that way now, does it?...lol

Anyway, thanks, Brigid.....you are one of my heros.....

Don

[irishlady]

The Beast is still here...

about time too;443402 wrote:

And I'm rolling in on three years sober now. Too much to give up on now, because as you know, it takes effort to get sober, but it takes less effort to stay sober than it takes to get sober.

Brigid

Oh Brigid the wise, I shall remember those words above because they make absolute sense, and its lovely to see you here. Congratulations on almost 3 years by the way, and thats not for staying sober for that length of time, more for what you had to do to stay that way, if you know what I mean.

[caysea]

The Beast is still here...

Hi Chief
You are showing me the battle never ends and neither can our mind set to not drink.Through reading about your latest fight it helps me to realize their is no letting down your guard.This is the education I need from someone who has been very successful and will continue to be. The simplest of situations can present the biggest tests.I will be more aware now.

Stay Strong and Keep Fighting.
AF 5-16-08