Glad I found this place

[kelie]

:new: I feel so alone much of the time. I have been with my current boyfriend for a year and met him in a local bar originally. I was warned at the time that he was completely insane, but the time we spent together was so loving and tender (and sober I think) that I dismissed everyones views and dated him anyway.

After about 3 months we started seeing a LOT more of each other. I soon realised he had an alcohol problem. He would get up on a sunday morning and crack open a beer hiding it from his parents. Sometimes over the summer he would drink up to 3 bottles of wine a day. Now I know from reading up, that I am probably a co-dependant, and an enabler.. in that he hasn't had a job since the end of January and has been living off my earnings, betting with the money I have "given" him.

When he gets drunk he shadow-boxes and playfights. Every friday night and saturday night he HAS to go out in town drinking, always without me and meets his buddies then comes home at 2am when the pubs shut. He knows he is causing his body damage and on occasions has asked me if he has liver cancer to which i reply why don't we go to the doctors and get you checked out. He promises every monday morning that this week will be different but after not drinking at all on a monday he drinks on a tuesday and each day gradually increases it until the weekend when he's continually drunk. I'm 27, he is 30 - I found out a couple of months ago that he is 5 years older than he told me when we met.

He has hit me a couple of times... as in not playfighting. Once he came home from the pub and elbowed my face leaving me with a black eye. Another time he came back during the day after an all night bender at a party, I got angry, he kicked me in the stomach and pinned me to the bed. I know that my head is telling me to walk away now, before things get worse and before it destroys me. but my heart is telling me to stay and try and help him. He is also emotionally abusive, calls me names about my weight, about me being weak etc. Sometimes he comes back and tells me he wants a baby girl with me... sometimes he comes back and is in a foul mood.

Can and will it ever get better. What can I do to change things (I know I cant change him, i need to change myself). I was booked in for counselling, but I can't afford to go at the moment. Oh and sex life = non existant.

[thirdsister]

Glad I found this place

This is a time when you need to listen to your head NOT your heart. Your boyfriend is abusive and if statistics mean anything to you, he is HIGHLY unlikely to change. Drinking is NOT why he is abusive, so even if the drinking stops...that doesn't mean his abusive behaviors will. I know this is harsh but I worked at an abuse shelter as an advocate for women of domestic violence and if that experience taught me anything, it was that the women always wish they had left sooner.

Please, please...even if you aren't ready to leave him yet, start planning for it. Get a savings/checking account in your name only that he doesn't know about, or put some cash in a safety deposit box. Store some clothes at a friend's house. Tell someone (co-worker or friend) about what is going on. Keep you id, social security card and birth certificate in a safe place. That way if things do get worse, you'll have everything ready to go.

Again, I know this is harsh. You are most likely a very caring and forgiving person. You probably trust people rather freely. You are a caregiver and extremely empathetic to the struggles and turmoil of others. These are all great qualities that you shouldn't have to give up. But with an abusive partner, these qualities could lead you down a path of great despair. You deserve better than that. Respect yourself and get out of a bad situation. And if you really believe he's the one for you, there's no reason you can't reconcile after he has tended to his own problems - on his own. If you go there with him, it only reinforces to him that it is partly your fault too, which it is most definitely not. He alone must face his demons. I highly recommend not being around for that, physically anyway.

I'm sorry if these are not the words you want to hear. I've just seen so many women whose lives were trashed by alcoholic and/or drug addicted abusive men. And watching them try to rebuilt when they've invested all their money, effort and soul into someone else is very difficult.

Whatever you decide though, I think that you found this site is a wonderful thing. The people here are great and will support you every step of the way. And please let me know if you need any resources on abuse or domestic violence. It is so good that you are here and being so open.

[DeeBee]

Glad I found this place

Reading your post re-kindled a memory which I had buried deep inside me... I thought forgotten.
I went out with a guy when i left school. He was popular, charismic, charming and very powerful in personallity and physique. I thought he was the one for me.
On a couple of occassions he would get "rough" with me but he would always be sorry afterwards and say that it was due to his terrible upbringing He would always promise "never again"!
One day, we were messing about in my bedroom (I still lived with my parents) and he forced himself onto me, he was so strong and intimidating that I couldn't do anything about it. Of course he was apologetic and sorry afterwards but I kicked him out. My Dad found me on the floor in my bedroom and called the police - much to my dismay. He had a restraining order granted against him and he wasn't allowed within 50m of me.

I will forever be grateful to my father for doing that for me as I don't think I would've ever have had the strength to go through it on my own.

Years later my brother became good friends with my ex-boyfriend and he even came to my wedding (he was the one to catch my garter - murphy's law!). He has changed his life around, and has settled down with a lovely wife and two little girls.

I can't offer you any words of wisdom as my experience is different to yours in that my ex never drank - he had anger issues that he needed to deal with, but I just wanted to share with you my memory.

I hope you find the strength and determination to make the right choice for you.

[Guitarista]

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Dee. wow. I'm just surfing here, and what a lovely story.. Great of you to post/share it with the world mate.. Who knows where it goes?!... Greg.

[Guitarista]

Glad I found this place

Kelie. A big welcome and hello to you. There are some good supportive men on this site who have been down many roads, so please feel free to use us... me for one put's his hand up if you ever want to talk.. you can p.m. me anytime. (don't take shit, but be careful..) Greg.

[Waiting for his way out]

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Kelie, there is a difference between co-dependency and physical abuse. I have been a co-dependent for a long time and I am just learning to get out of it and focus on me a little more. This is not an easy step. I struggled for years with the idea of leaving or staying, my heart and my head were in two different places. Alcoholics will tell you everything you want to hear, they lie and cheat in many different ways, that is why we become so confused between reality and fiction.
However, the abuse is an entirely different situation and you really need to think about your future. PM me anytime you need.
Stay safe and try not to stay close to him when he has been drinking.

[Cinders]

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Kelie,

:welcome:

You have been given great advice. I know that cutting ties with someone you are so close to is difficult but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

I would definitely go to counseling, whether or not you break up with this guy.

I learned a long time ago that love is not enough. Love must be coupled with caring and respect. It is that simple.

I wish your boyfriend help, too, but until he is ready to do something about his life, nothing will happen. As a true, hardcore, alcoholic, I can tell you this with all honesty.

I love my husband, my children and my grandchildren more than anything in the world, but for a long time alcohol was even more important than them. This was a hard truth for me to face about myself. The addiction is awful.

Nothing my family could say or do, though, could make me stop. It had to come from within me and what made me want to sober up had nothing to do with them.

You must take care of you. Period.

Cindi

[hart]

Glad I found this place

((((Kelie))))


I can't give you any better advice than you have already been given, but if numbers work for you, count me too as one who says leave him. With or without alcohol this man doesn't deserve you and you could get hurt badly. :l

[kelie]

Glad I found this place

2 nights in a row now he has hurt me physically. Last night he pinned me down and had his hands around my throat, I have bruises on my neck and my arms.

We went to my parents for lunch today and everything was fine until we got home. When we got back he said how much he loved me and he was so sorry he every laid a finger on me and would never do it again.

He's drunnk since he got up at 11am this morning, and has had 4 cans of guinness, 2 bottles of red wine. Tonight he kicked me, spilt red wine all over the carpet (i rent this flat) and again hurt me on my neck where i am already swollen and bruised. He says he wont leave me until i pay him ?500 that I supposedly owe him (I am in 19 grands worth of debt now because of him within 1 year). What did i ever do to deserve someone who treated me like this. I'm a good person and no one fucking wants me :'(

[Cinders]

Glad I found this place

Kelie,

Kick him out and get a restraining order before it is too late. Please?

I can't stress this enough. He is insane. Seriously.

You must take care of yourself, hun. He could kill you one of these times in a drunken fit. No one is worth this.

btw, why do you say no one wants you? If you kick this b@st@rd out, chances are much better you will meet someone much nicer.

Sending prayers for you that you do what you need to do.

In all honesty, I would much rather be alone than with someone I had to live in fear of!!

Do the right thing, Kelie, or you may end up seriously injured or dead.

Love,
Cindi

[LVT25]

Glad I found this place

Kelie,

I'm sorry you're in this situation--but you have to do whatever you need to do to get out of it. From what you've posted, I see no good reason to stay with this guy. You can't "fix" him and no one deserves to be treated that way--EVER!
Listen to Cindi and the others and get him out of your life--NOW!

[thirdsister]

Glad I found this place

Kelie,

You are not alone. Feeling like no one else will want or love you is very common among abused women. Fortunately it is simply NOT true. You have an amazing heart and personality...how do I know? Because I've met so many women in your situation and one thing they all had in common is that they had big beautiful hearts. Problem is, your heart has been ripped up so many times by this guy you've become uber vulnerable...which often leads to believing what this guy is telling you. Just because he says mean things, doesn't make them true. And let me tell you one thing if you listen to anything I'm writing...

JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T LEFT YET, DOESN'T MEAN YOU DESERVE THIS CONTINUED ABUSE. IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE ASKING FOR IT.

Many people who have never been in an abusive situation think that the victim must actually LIKE the abuse, otherwise they would surely run, right?? WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! Just like you have reasons to leave (his drinking and abuse) you have plenty of reasons to stay (you love him, you don't want to be alone).

Even if you aren't going to leave him now, you need to prepare. Take photos of your bruises and keep them in a safe place where he can never find them. Write down the dates and circumstances of the abuse (write in third person and in fact only, this will help you stay objective) and keep these writings somewhere he can never find them. I STRONGLY recommend going to the police to get these events on record, however if you don't plan on leaving him this may only make him mad plus sometimes the police HAVE to press charges, even if you just want to put it on record. Check into some local services that help women like you. There may be weekly meetings that you can attend, even while you are still with him. Meeting women who are still in or have left abusive relationships will help you find your inner strength because you will see you are not alone. You will also see how amazing these women are and realize that you are amazing too.

Also, an interesting 'game' you may want to do to try and gain some perspective on the relationship as a whole. I did this with a group of women at the shelter I used to work at:
1. Get a piece of paper and a pen/pencil/crayon
2. Using a single line, draw a representation of your feelings throughout your relationship.
For example, your line might start high up on the paper because when you first met it was very romantic and exciting. During stressful time periods your line may begin to veer downwards. A fight might be depicted by a sharp drop in the line or a spiral to indication confusion. Your line may go back up after you make up from the fight. Keep the line in reference to your starting point. So if you have never been as happy as you were when you first started dating, don't let your line go higher than that point (that is if you decide that a high point on the line equals a high point in the relationship).

When you are done, see how closely the patterns and rhythms in you relationship match up with the Cycle of Abuse: Tension Building (breakdown of communication, victim feels fearful); Incident (fighting, verbal/emotional/physical abuse, threats, blaming); Reconciliation (abuser apologizes or excuses the behavior, possibly denies it happened or tries to diminish the severity); Calm (incident is forgotten, gifts/flower, romance). This 'task' was an eye opener to a lot of women I worked with. Maybe it will help you see your relationship as a whole more clearly also.

I would also encourage you to start writing down positive things about yourself and say them out loud when no one else is around. Remind yourself why you are attractive and lovable. I'm sure the rest of us here can help you get started...

You have a big heart
You are a care taker
You are patient

That's just a few.

Please keep us updated. And if you need to talk you can email me: kt.truesdell@gmail.com I usually check my email everyday.

We are here for you!

[trixietrack]

Glad I found this place

kelie;450721 wrote: :new: I feel so alone much of the time. I have been with my current boyfriend for a year and met him in a local bar originally. I was warned at the time that he was completely insane, but the time we spent together was so loving and tender (and sober I think) that I dismissed everyones views and dated him anyway.

After about 3 months we started seeing a LOT more of each other. I soon realised he had an alcohol problem. He would get up on a sunday morning and crack open a beer hiding it from his parents. Sometimes over the summer he would drink up to 3 bottles of wine a day. Now I know from reading up, that I am probably a co-dependant, and an enabler.. in that he hasn't had a job since the end of January and has been living off my earnings, betting with the money I have "given" him.

When he gets drunk he shadow-boxes and playfights. Every friday night and saturday night he HAS to go out in town drinking, always without me and meets his buddies then comes home at 2am when the pubs shut. He knows he is causing his body damage and on occasions has asked me if he has liver cancer to which i reply why don't we go to the doctors and get you checked out. He promises every monday morning that this week will be different but after not drinking at all on a monday he drinks on a tuesday and each day gradually increases it until the weekend when he's continually drunk. I'm 27, he is 30 - I found out a couple of months ago that he is 5 years older than he told me when we met.

He has hit me a couple of times... as in not playfighting. Once he came home from the pub and elbowed my face leaving me with a black eye. Another time he came back during the day after an all night bender at a party, I got angry, he kicked me in the stomach and pinned me to the bed. I know that my head is telling me to walk away now, before things get worse and before it destroys me. but my heart is telling me to stay and try and help him. He is also emotionally abusive, calls me names about my weight, about me being weak etc. Sometimes he comes back and tells me he wants a baby girl with me... sometimes he comes back and is in a foul mood.

Can and will it ever get better. What can I do to change things (I know I cant change him, i need to change myself). I was booked in for counselling, but I can't afford to go at the moment. Oh and sex life = non existant.

All the red flags are there. you need to heal yourself. he needs to heal himself.

when I first came to MWO.I was in a relationship similar to what you are talking about, except the guy never hit me, but was verbally abusive, and we both drank, he was a binger.

I thought it was all happening because of the alcohol. I cut down and started seeing things clearly.

He was just living off of me and doing who knows what behind my back. He would take off for days and never call or tell me where he was going.

yes he would say he never loved anyone as much as he loved me, he said sorry, cried, you name it. then he would go back to being a belligerent mean spirited being.

I got some great advice by some of the members here including MD biker (god bless).

I listened. changed the locks got his stuff out (this was the hardest thing I have ever done).

I continued to keep myself from over drinking so I could stay strong.

here I am, more than a year has passed and that situation seems so far away.

Now I am with a sweet loving caring man who gets along with my family and friends. I am no longer a sloppy drunk, and I am feeling empowered and ready to help others.

The ex from what I hear, is still out there burning bridges and getting himself in all sorts of trouble. the law, alcohol ,drugs, I can go on.....

be strong heal yourself and move on

peace

Trix