bad night Thurs

[spottydingo]

Hi All,

I had a terrible night on Thursday and am still reeling from it. Everything was fine until about 1:00 AM, though Hubby had "asked my permission" to "go to the store". First I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he was on a mission so I just said, do what you feel you need to do. I didn't drink anything and got in bed at 11:00.

Meanwhile, my cat, Charley, didn't come home. My 3 kitties that go outside all come home when I call them, usually between 9:00 and 11:00. The latest Charley has ever stayed out was 2:00 (once). So I tried to read, but by 1:00 I was getting worried. By 2:00 I was beside myself. I got dressed, walked around the block calling him, and then sat out on the patio until 3:30. I finished Hubby's big bottle (2 glasses of wine) and opened another bottle, poured one glass and promptly dropped it on the patio trying to put the cork back in, breaking it into bits -- probably the universe telling me No More. Finally went to bed around 4:00 and the little f**ker showed up at the door right after I turned the lights off.

So while I'm upset I drank, I'm glad it was only 3 glasses. But what feels so tender still is what a terrible dark place I went to (even before I started drinking). Laying in bed I had a panic attack, convinced myself he was gone gone gone, thinking over and over of all the horrible things that could have happened to him, berating myself for not yet updating the info on his microchip. I've never lost a cat to anything other than old age and some of you may think I'm nuts, but I don't have children and I LOVE my pets. If it were up to me these cats would stay inside, but they were all born outside and I think it would kill them if they couldn't go out.

Has anyone else experienced intense feelings like this being newly sober? Or is it just me ... Ms. Highly Sensitive Person with too much imagination for my own good? Yesterday I felt exhausted, physically and emotionally.

One thing I can say is the AL did nothing for me: didn't taste good, didn't feel good, and those few glasses only made me want to get back to being sober.

Thanks for listening, just wanted to get it off my chest. Back to the drawing board. BTW, Charley now has an early curfew; when he comes in for dinner around 7:00 he's now staying for the night ... I don't need a repeat of this anytime soon.

Cheers.

[startingover]

bad night Thurs

Oh Spotty, I can so relate to that panic over losing cats. I dont have cats now but there was a time when I was taking in rescues and had 13 cats. Every evening at 5 I would get them in for their supper and then they would have to stay in all night. If one went missing it would drive me to distraction with worry and fear. As I said I dont have cats now but when my dog had cancer earlier this year my drinkng spiralled with the worry.
At least you didnt get plastered and also you have learnt what a trigger it is for you. Once you know your triggers you can figure out how to overcome them.

[1967]

bad night Thurs

hi.
i can entirely relate to your love of animals.
i adore animals and i'm not ashamed to admit it and if someone does like it 'so sad, too bad.'
we all have our 'thing'... and loving animals is entirely harmless.
it does sound to me that mr. charley pants needs a serious talking to. this isn't the optimal time to be playing hide and go seek, the little freak.

unfortunately there is no rationalizing w/domestic animals.
however, nor can u rationalize w/a toddler so whatever. enjoy your animals!

[retteacher]

bad night Thurs

Spotty: Get right back into your program. The lapses we have can be viewed as learning experiences...painful ones. Mary

[MormonMom]

bad night Thurs

Spotty, those first days of being AF are VERY tough. If you're anything like me, I used my husband as kind of an "excuse" when we both were trying to stay sober. I wanted to drink so bad, but waited for him to give in. If he gave in, I'd give in. When he'd tell me he was going to the store, the alcoholic side of me would be saying, "Yes!", though verbally, I'd be telling him "No." Once it was in the house, I'm sure it was calling your name. Maybe not loud at first, but howling louder, the longer your baby Charley was away. Charley missing was just giving you an excuse to drink. You were scared, anxious, sad, mad, etc. Us alcoholics don't have many coping skills. We haven't really had to develop them because the alcohol made the necessity of coping go away. You were running away from the situation, hiding the pain if you will. But that's okay. That's part of the growing process. The more you recognize it, the more you'll be able develop other ways of coping. Though only recently sober, I have come to the conclusion that when my husband and I are in a nasty fight, drinking isn't going to make it go away. It's either going to make it worse or put off having to deal with it 'til the next day.
Anywho, I'm not lecturing. I'm just giving insight to our world of alcoholism. As Mary said, get right back on your program. So ya slipped. So what! Today's a new day. And remember to do this for yourself, even if your husband doesn't continue to go along with you on this sober journey. I wish you the best of luck and just know that everyone here is rooting for you. :-)

[spottydingo]

bad night Thurs

Thanks everyone for your kinds words, I SO much appreciate the support I'm getting here.

MM: it IS going to be hard not to use Hubby as an excuse ... I slipped up on Saturday night as he bought some wine ... held out for several hours but then bam! Cooking dinner is a tough time for me. I love to cook and cooking a nice dinner always equaled wine time. During the week I was trying to get dinner almost ready before he got home and/or prepare simple things to avoid this pitfall but on Saturday night I had planned to do a nice one, and we didn't get it underway until fairly late. Arrgh.

Anyway, hubby seemed really bummed yesterday and kept saying its just not fun anymore, not worth it, so I think he's beginning to get it too (fingers crossed). I just have to learn to be stronger though in the meanwhile. Today I'm back on the sobriety train.

Cheers.

[DogLvr]

bad night Thurs

Hi there - have you been taking any of the supplements? I find that the l-glutamine curbs alot of the immediate cravings I get. Good luck!

[gyco]

bad night Thurs

hi spotty i never worried about nothing,but as i got older,marriage 1st, and worrying about her, the cats ,2nd,buying new homes,3rd havin cats,specially the crasy one,then 4 kids,wife losin her job,me having panic like you disordr tht didn come ou until late in my life,boosin to much,never enuff sex,hahaha one for us men,hope it cheers you up,your not alone,nc to no,eh,gyco