Hello All,
I've posted here and there. Lurked. Joined an Abs event and slipped.
I binge, which is, in its own way harder and eaiser to get past than the regular kind of drinking, which I have been able to give up.
The nasty thing about binging is, once you get past that bad day after, maybe it takes a week, you feel like you can do it again. Its like the nasty taste dissapears, you've forgotten how crappy the next day was, because you wanted to forget right? You're through beating up on yourself, and you think, well, what the hell? I can let loose tonight.
Then tonight turns into a slovenly drunken journey. In an attempt to liberate yourself from the daily impositions of life, and be yourself, you become the opposite. A monster, a sentimental rag of a person, or the life of the party. And you don't even know what you must of looked like dancing in front of a bar full of mostly in control people. Stumbling, or crying on the shoulder of a stranger. Till the next day, and it hits you. What did I do? That's not me. Did I drive like that? You spend the rest of the day feeling stupid, berating yourself, and vowing not to do it again. You make promises to yourself and other that your done.
I've quit drinking as many times as I've had hangovers. And then, I feel a little better the next day. The next day after that I might be a little proud of my abstinance. A few more days go by, and wouldnt you know it, life is back and its stressful, and that wine glass looks so empty and wouldn't it be fun just to have a few?
Really, wouldn't it be fun to feel comfortable enough with yourself to not drink? I drink because I have social anxieties, boredom, and in general worry, worry, worry.
And more specifically, I feel a little wrecked by an ex. Or wrecked by the experience we went through. Nevermind the "we." He's fine I'm sure.
I had a man, in love, and completely in love with me untill....
I got pregnant. He freaked, I was stunned by his reaction. I did what he asked me to do. I had an abortion. I'm 29 now. This happened nearly four years ago. I was due in August, 3 years ago. Since then, I've felt an emptiness that I have never felt. Its a resistance to let love in, and to love. Love myself I'm afraid. And other people pick up on that. They hold back too. I fill my void with alcohol. It all seems like a joke.
Add to all that crap that now I don't know what to do with my life. Nothing seems to fill this void. I got a degree in Art, graduated Magna Cum Laude. And now that I can't find a job with the kind of dignity I need to feel good about myself, I'm in school again for graphic design. And I don't know if I like that either. I don't know if I like anything besides getting buzzed, because that's when I feel "happiness"
I don't believe in God anymore. And I think most people are scum. Sorry folks, that's how I feel. Alone.
I feel a kinship with you people, however. I know how much it sux to go through the alcohol adiction/dependency. Whatever your reasons might be for drinking. I relate. I don't even know if I want to quit. I'd like to have control over everything, to the point of not needing anything or anybody.
I guess this is a bummer of a post. I guess its not just hating the day after, its hating everyday and not seeing much connection with other humans, in a nutshell.
Debbie
I've posted here and there. Lurked. Joined an Abs event and slipped.
I binge, which is, in its own way harder and eaiser to get past than the regular kind of drinking, which I have been able to give up.
The nasty thing about binging is, once you get past that bad day after, maybe it takes a week, you feel like you can do it again. Its like the nasty taste dissapears, you've forgotten how crappy the next day was, because you wanted to forget right? You're through beating up on yourself, and you think, well, what the hell? I can let loose tonight.
Then tonight turns into a slovenly drunken journey. In an attempt to liberate yourself from the daily impositions of life, and be yourself, you become the opposite. A monster, a sentimental rag of a person, or the life of the party. And you don't even know what you must of looked like dancing in front of a bar full of mostly in control people. Stumbling, or crying on the shoulder of a stranger. Till the next day, and it hits you. What did I do? That's not me. Did I drive like that? You spend the rest of the day feeling stupid, berating yourself, and vowing not to do it again. You make promises to yourself and other that your done.
I've quit drinking as many times as I've had hangovers. And then, I feel a little better the next day. The next day after that I might be a little proud of my abstinance. A few more days go by, and wouldnt you know it, life is back and its stressful, and that wine glass looks so empty and wouldn't it be fun just to have a few?
Really, wouldn't it be fun to feel comfortable enough with yourself to not drink? I drink because I have social anxieties, boredom, and in general worry, worry, worry.
And more specifically, I feel a little wrecked by an ex. Or wrecked by the experience we went through. Nevermind the "we." He's fine I'm sure.
I had a man, in love, and completely in love with me untill....
I got pregnant. He freaked, I was stunned by his reaction. I did what he asked me to do. I had an abortion. I'm 29 now. This happened nearly four years ago. I was due in August, 3 years ago. Since then, I've felt an emptiness that I have never felt. Its a resistance to let love in, and to love. Love myself I'm afraid. And other people pick up on that. They hold back too. I fill my void with alcohol. It all seems like a joke.
Add to all that crap that now I don't know what to do with my life. Nothing seems to fill this void. I got a degree in Art, graduated Magna Cum Laude. And now that I can't find a job with the kind of dignity I need to feel good about myself, I'm in school again for graphic design. And I don't know if I like that either. I don't know if I like anything besides getting buzzed, because that's when I feel "happiness"
I don't believe in God anymore. And I think most people are scum. Sorry folks, that's how I feel. Alone.
I feel a kinship with you people, however. I know how much it sux to go through the alcohol adiction/dependency. Whatever your reasons might be for drinking. I relate. I don't even know if I want to quit. I'd like to have control over everything, to the point of not needing anything or anybody.
I guess this is a bummer of a post. I guess its not just hating the day after, its hating everyday and not seeing much connection with other humans, in a nutshell.
Debbie
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