I'm sitting here crying. I've just moved from one end of Australia to the other end to support my partners career. I'm meant to be on long service leave from my old job, 3 months of paid bliss. Instead I am hating every minute of it.
I started drinking heavily when I was 18 and met my to be ex-husband. We drank over 14 years of our relationship. I always niggled with myself that it wasn't good, but we had fun. A few times my ex was physcially abusive to me, usually on the back of binge drinking sessions. Eventually I decided to end things with him.
I then met a guy (my current partner) about 8 months later (2 years ago). He was wonderful, fun, caring, exciting. He came with baggage - an ex and 2 kids (I have none) and his own addictions but things were wonderful.
He tried to change his ways a few times and went clean on everything. I couldn't do it. He got really nasty with me, calling me an alcoholic, not letting me sleep in bed with him because of snoring, and generally being very critical of everything about me. Then he cracked and went back to what he'd been doing so things were easy and I could coast along without feeling guilty for what I was doing.
This year we planned a 3 month trip up the east coast of Aust campervanning. We bought the van and did it up and were ready to head off mid year when a job came up for him in the Far North which was a great opportunity career wise, and a chance to get away from his past in the South which was haunting him and I.
So we ditched the trip and made the move up north about a month ago. On the way up he quit everything again. All of a sudden I'm back in the spotlight. He's flicking between being really supportive, to really critical and I don't know what to do.
I know I have a problem. I like a drink every day. I do go ott. The last two nights I've had half a bottle each night from when he gets home (about 5:30) through to just after dinner, usually about 8. Then I'm lost. I feel so angry at him for forcing this on me, loosing my holiday sense, making me feel depressed. I feel stuck, I don't have a car, shops aren't close to where we live. I have to ask him for wine and then wait to see if tonight will be ok, or not. And that's it. It changes. Sunday night he'd obviously decided not to have a drink before the week started. But didn't communicate that with me and I poured a glass as I was making dinner. I then paid all night for it with shitty looks.
I feel critisised, not appreciated for what I am doing or how I've supported him, alcohol is becoming horrible in terms that I can not longer enjoy it for what it is. I feel guilty even thinking about it, yet it's what I want to just shut everything out and feel euphoric. I don't know my partner anymore, everything we'd built our day to day lives on is gone.
I admire him. But I feel so resentful of him and I just don't know what to do. I asked him why the change and he said he realised I had a problem, that I was an alcoholic but to help me he needed to first set the example so that he wouldn't be a hypocrite. But I've spent all that time with him writing himself off on dope whenever he felt like it. The rules have been re-written but I didn't have a say in the new set!
I'm sorry for the rant. This is the first place I've found where I suspect there won't be dirty looks thrown my way and just maybe I can work through this nightmare I feel I'm now living.
I started drinking heavily when I was 18 and met my to be ex-husband. We drank over 14 years of our relationship. I always niggled with myself that it wasn't good, but we had fun. A few times my ex was physcially abusive to me, usually on the back of binge drinking sessions. Eventually I decided to end things with him.
I then met a guy (my current partner) about 8 months later (2 years ago). He was wonderful, fun, caring, exciting. He came with baggage - an ex and 2 kids (I have none) and his own addictions but things were wonderful.
He tried to change his ways a few times and went clean on everything. I couldn't do it. He got really nasty with me, calling me an alcoholic, not letting me sleep in bed with him because of snoring, and generally being very critical of everything about me. Then he cracked and went back to what he'd been doing so things were easy and I could coast along without feeling guilty for what I was doing.
This year we planned a 3 month trip up the east coast of Aust campervanning. We bought the van and did it up and were ready to head off mid year when a job came up for him in the Far North which was a great opportunity career wise, and a chance to get away from his past in the South which was haunting him and I.
So we ditched the trip and made the move up north about a month ago. On the way up he quit everything again. All of a sudden I'm back in the spotlight. He's flicking between being really supportive, to really critical and I don't know what to do.
I know I have a problem. I like a drink every day. I do go ott. The last two nights I've had half a bottle each night from when he gets home (about 5:30) through to just after dinner, usually about 8. Then I'm lost. I feel so angry at him for forcing this on me, loosing my holiday sense, making me feel depressed. I feel stuck, I don't have a car, shops aren't close to where we live. I have to ask him for wine and then wait to see if tonight will be ok, or not. And that's it. It changes. Sunday night he'd obviously decided not to have a drink before the week started. But didn't communicate that with me and I poured a glass as I was making dinner. I then paid all night for it with shitty looks.
I feel critisised, not appreciated for what I am doing or how I've supported him, alcohol is becoming horrible in terms that I can not longer enjoy it for what it is. I feel guilty even thinking about it, yet it's what I want to just shut everything out and feel euphoric. I don't know my partner anymore, everything we'd built our day to day lives on is gone.
I admire him. But I feel so resentful of him and I just don't know what to do. I asked him why the change and he said he realised I had a problem, that I was an alcoholic but to help me he needed to first set the example so that he wouldn't be a hypocrite. But I've spent all that time with him writing himself off on dope whenever he felt like it. The rules have been re-written but I didn't have a say in the new set!
I'm sorry for the rant. This is the first place I've found where I suspect there won't be dirty looks thrown my way and just maybe I can work through this nightmare I feel I'm now living.
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