Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?

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I accidentally stumbled across this site and have spent the last 3 days reading as many posts as I could absorb. Many times I was in tears, overwhelmed by people's honesty. Am I ready to tell my story - the details of which I have so successfully hidden from almost everyone I know? I'm nervous as I type and don't even know if I'll hit the "add post" button but here it goes...

I love my life. I live with my partner in splendid isolation on 14 acres of land which I am transforming into a park with many calm and tranquil areas. There are reflection ponds and water-lilies and rose gardens. I watch kangaroos hop by 20feet from my back door. My physical surrounds are absolutely idyllic. I am fortunate in that I could take early retirement and no longer have to be in the workforce. So why am I so disgusted with myself?

It seems I have developed a major alcohol problem, drinking at least half a bottle of brandy per day plus the odd glass of wine for good measure. I don't get hang-overs so I'll do it all over again tomorrow. I do this every single day of my life. This disgusts me more than I can say. I organise my life to fit around my drinking - I will wait an extra two weeks to see the dentist because I need a 9am appointment. 3.30pm is no good because I'm trashed by then. I avoid all social occasions where drink will be involved because I don't have the capacity to say "no thank you - I've had enough". I keep a notebook by the phone and doodle or write illegible notes so that I have some chance of remembering who called last night. For a person who welcomes complete honesty, I'm a total fraud. I hide my drinking from everyone.

I hate the repetitive, gibbering idiot I've become. For a woman who loves beauty and order and logic I despair at the loss of control I have over my own actions. I am an early morning person and wake up at around 5am when I try to piece together what happened last night. I can't. Then the alcoholic remorse sets in. I work in my garden and think I'm losing my mind. I convince myself I have dementia. By lunch-time I've driven myself into such a fearful frenzy that the only thing that will calm me down is a nice brandy. And another one.

Feeling good, I later decide to cook a decent dinner. I need a cup of wine for the sauce - great - I'll just have one or two glasses while cooking. Then suddenly there's not enough left to share with my partner so I'll just have to drink that remaining little bit too.

So, after dinner, when most nice people have a civilised drink, I decide the day is over and it's ok for me to have a couple of brandys. But it's really more like four or five. Or if I've hit the ranting stage and want to talk, it's probably six or seven until I just have to go to bed.

And I do it all over again the next day.

Just how have I let my life spiral out of control like that? It seems a life-time ago that I was an intelligent, articulate and interesting woman. I had a healthy self-esteem and a lot to offer. Now I suck.
That's how I felt three days ago. Then
I read the posts. I downloaded the book. I'm sourcing the supplements. And I so thank this site for coming across my path - probably at a very crucial time. I can't imagine total abstinence. I don't like failure. But controlled, social drinking, devoid of remorse or guilt, would be a wonderful thing. And the only thing I can be proud of tonight is ... reporting in at 9.05pm - I'm having my first glass of wine!!!!!! I feel this hasn't happened since I was six. (I got through the day by drinking water in my wine glass - a little ritual that seemed to work. The actual feel of the wine glass in hand seemed to make a difference)

Thank you all for your honesty - thank you for allowing mine.

[Guest]

Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?

HI Tawnyfrog!
I'm brand new to the program, too. Just joined yesterday after an evening of being put to bed at 9pm by my husband while we were at our friends place for a "casual" dinner. I, of course, was passing out before it was time to eat. Don't remember it until I woke up at 3am with my clothes on. My husband had left me there.
Yes, it was time for me to do something about this! My story is basically this: I am a professional (therapist) mom. I don't drink every day. Sometimes when I drink, I can keep it under control. Other times, I don't know what happens, but I totally lose it. Drink too fast, I guess. I hate this lack of control, so I can totally relate to how you are feeling about "how do I let myself do this????". I ordered the book yesterday. Looking into the supplements today. CDs too. What I think is going to be the most helpful, however, is these posts!! These people are amazing! Having committed to getting this problem completely under control to my husband, to all of you, and especially to myself, I sure do hope there is a light at the end of this tunnel. My major fear is that I've made these promises before. Didn't have any help or a plan, though!! Now I feel I have both!
Good luck! Becca

[Guest]

Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?

Welcome!

Hi Tawnyfrog. Glad you stumbled upon this site. Welcome! I really enjoyed reading your story. You sure captured a lot of the feelings that we all feel really well. I could so relate to scheduling appts in the am, and panicking if I had a late afternoon appt, knowing it would screw up my drinking plan. Hope you stick around. You are not alone in this battle! Take care, Gina

[Guest]

Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?

Re: Welcome!

Hi Tawnyfrog,
Welcome. Thanks for sharing your story (...glad you hit the "add reply"). I'm in my third week of the program, and I'm pleased to say it is working for me. I enjoy coming to this site -- everyone can relate and there is some really good advise. I think you'll find this program to be something special!

Gracie

[Guest]

Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?

Re: Welcome!

Becca, Gina and Gracie,

Thank you so much for your reply. I did feel stupid after I posted yesterday, thinking why would anyone be interested, I'm just an out-of-control lush .. blah blah blah.

If I consider yesterday to be my Day 1, things are fantastic this morning. I've woken up knowing I don't have a thing to apologise for. I can account for everything I did before I went to bed. That hasn't happened for years.

I know it's early days and I expect I'll stuff up again but I really will try to remember how good I feel waking up clear-headed. That surely has to be an incentive.

I hope next time I feel like a drink I'll come to this site instead.

Thank you again for your understanding.

[Guest]

Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?

welcome

Tawny - I hope you, or others, don't ever feel bad about posting long messages. It seems like alot of people apologize for "rambling on". It is so totally not necessary. For most of us this may be the only opportunity to really spill everthing out, vent our feelings and frustrations and finally tell someone the whole truth. We are all in the same boat - and I for one find it so inspiring to read a post like yours. It can be very healing for the writer as well as the reader. I really welcome the the posts were people are really sharing honestly, especially the stuff that doesn't make us "look so good". Congratulations for finding us and getting started! Best of luck!!

[Guest]

Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?

Re: welcome

Thanks for your post Maria,

I often feel that reading the "bad" stuff is actually more beneficial than reading the "I'm doing well" stuff. It reinforces why I never want to be in that horrible stumbling, slurring, out-of-control place again.

On My Day 2 I have again woken up with a clear head and total recall. A wonderful feeling.

[Guest]

Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?

Welcome tawnyfrog,

Glad you found us; the isolation of your physical surroundings does indeed sound idyllic; that of your drinking lonely and difficult. You are not alone here. Keep reading, keep hoping, stay focused on doing what you need to do to get well. You ask the question: "How did my life spiral out of control?" The same way all of ours did: we have a disease that needs healing. You are still an intelligent, interesting, articulate woman with lots to offer. You just need to tend to yourself now with the same care, and tenderness, with which you nurture your water-lilies and roses. Don't you too deserve sunshine, good nutrients, postitive energy and love? Of course you do! Weed out the brambles to make room for the lovely new growth. We are here to help you do it.

Kate

[Guest]

Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?

Oh Kate,

I've read and re-read and re-read your post. And each time I do, I cry. Thanks for you incredibly kind words. I have a new mantra ... "weed out the brambles". Thank you

[Guest]

Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?

Tawny frog, hi.
Yip, as the others say, you are not alone.

I dont think you should be hard on yourself thinking that you have early retirement and therefore why do you drink... because that is not the logic of drinking. Perhaps early retirement has been the gift that you now the reflection time to assess your drinking and has allowed you the freedom to post here and maybe turned your life around. Nature can be very healing and your place sounds lovely.

Use the time and the beautiful space that you have for yourself... Many who are very busy argue that they cant do things because they dont have the time and often you think... well if they wanted to they could. We, as a society are obsessed with what we are 'doing'. If you spend the time on yourself, what a gift you are giving yourself.. dont feel bad about it.. rejoice and enjoy the benefits.

I said in another post and I think its relevant here.. its not the question
:"what do you do" that matters...
its the question
"what aren't you doing" that makes more sense.

There IS a light at the end of the tunnel... switch on that switch in your brain and you too can find it.

Brigid

[Guest]

Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?

Re: is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?

Hi Tawny,

Thanks so very much for sharing your story, and I also loved Kate's response about weeding out the brambles and the nurturing. It does seem in some way like the nurturing concept rings true in this.

But your comment about the kangaroo also made me think about how very interesting the nature of the Web is. Here we are, a group of people, sharing deep secrets we've never shared with our closest friends, with complete strangers (or nearly complete) in different time zones all around the globe. And that is some of the magic of this community, that it crosses all boundaries and is held together by the thread of a common struggle that goes on every day inside our heads. How very odd. But how very cool.

Keep writing, and weeding. Warmest wishes.

[Guest]

Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?

Re: is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?

Welcome Tawny,

The 'plants' that grow in this garden will give you as much as you must gain from your little piece of paradise. I know you will find support, care and love here - there are some truly amazing people with stories not that different from our own.

We all ask the question of why. A famous saying I have is this - it is as it is. For me, I never meant to end up being this person who cannot have a civilised drink and be done. I never meant to lose sight of the person I used to be. But, it is as it is. We now need to learn about who we are right now and how we might get to a point where we like what we find.

I wish you everything you need to help you find a comfortable place to be you!

Love and hugs, Amanda.

By the way, the old note pad by the phone used to help me too. Once I answered the door on a Friday night and a whole bunch of people had arrived for a dinner party I had organised one night whilst loaded but obviously hadn't written it on my note book! Ooooops.

[Guest]

Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?

Is there really a light

Hi Tawnyfrog and everyone,
Thanks to you all for your beautiful posts.
It's lovely to find another Aussie and I'm speechless at how great you all are. Isn't this a wonderful site. I can completely relate to everything you're saying as so many others here can too Tawnyfrog.
Good on you!!
I said a little bit on this 'depression thing' earlier.. maybe might be helpful?
Keep in touch.
Love
MFM

[Guest]

Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?

Re: Is there really a light

Hi Tawnyfrog,

This is my first day. I wanted to thank you for your story. I too decided that my life was out of control. Your story really hit home with me. I feel like I am in the situation. I have been blessed in the fact that I was able to retire early. It is a shame that all that I have done with it is drink a whole lot more. You know I say that I have been blessed that I could retire early but then I think about everything I have lost over the years because of alcohol, my first marriage, my three kids, my self respect, and my health.

[Guest]

Is there really a light at the end of this tunnel?

Hi tawnyfrog,
Today is the first day I have decided to try and quit drinking after over 30 years (It seems so funny to say that. How did I spend my whole life drinking?)
I'm so glad you hit the post message because there is so much that you talked about that I do too. I make my appointments in the morning so I can take the rest of the day off from work to drink. I also avoid social occasion because they don't usually start until after 5:00 and if I'm not working it is interfering with my drinking time. I start drinking around 9 a.m. so I can't drink in the morning if I have to be someplace later in the day or that night. I'm usually loaded by the time the event is suppose to start. I also write notes at night when people call because I won't remember that they called or what they talked about (some I can't read what I wrote the next day). There few people who do call because I have isolated myself because either I don't want them to know I drink or I'm too busy drinking to socialize with anyone.
I'm at work now so I'm doing O.K. so far. At 4:30 I will be off and that is when I will know if I make it through my first day. That beer is calling my name already and I know I will want one then, bad. Wish me luck and good luck to you.