I've been reading these boards for a while now, and Im on the end of my 3rd week of the MWO program, so here's a piece of my story and some questions at the end.
I gave up food for alcohol for much of my 30's in order to stay slim. (I'll tell all the other things I gave up for alcohol as soon as I find a publisher :-o) I wouldn't eat all day, and my reward at the end of the day was a pint of Hennessy. I wouldn't keep much food in the house, so that when the empty pit would form in my stomach from the liquor, I couldn't completely gorge myself. I was/am a daily drinker since I was in my late 20's - I'm 42 now - so I'd say I've been hittin it for about 15 years. To my knowledge, no one in my family knows that I'm a drunk. Even my friends don't really know the extent of my dependency. Some of them have seen me drunk/gotten drunk with me, but they just think it's social drinking. They don't know that I go home after and keep drinking ( the real drinking, you know, with my best, most reliable friend in a bottle) til I pass out. There is something in me that just wants to drink til I die. And there's another thing in me that wants to live the life I was meant to live, and they are in a battle to the death. I am constantly struggling toward that better life, but the battle itself can leave me exhausted and feeling beaten down. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel fills me with hope (thanks MWO), and sometimes that hope in itself is enough to keep me going. I believe I am a strong person. I've quit drinking in the past, completely cold turkey, I just refused to keep letting the isht control my life and I didn't drink for 3 months and then 5 months. That was about 2 years ago. I quit smoking in March of 2003 (20 year pack a day habit). Since then every attempt I've made to quit has only lasted 2 - 3 weeks at the longest, and the cravings and irritability never subsided. I guess it was some consolation to have a cigarette if I couldn't have a drink. Many times I've quit for a day or two or a week. Of course each time I was intending to quit FOREVER!!! So the frustration and disappointment in myself is eating away at my confidence.
So now on the MWO program I was doing really well for the first 2 weeks. My usual consumption of a pint of liquor or 1 - 2 bottles of wine a day went down to 1 - 2 glasses of wine a day with dinner. That's all I wanted and I was satisfied. I was drinking like a normal person and I felt great. I was thinking WOW! I can live like this! You mean I can have my wine and drink it too? I can have my life and a little wine too? Phenomenal! I am also getting up early in the morning going to the gym before work, even taking a long sauna to help the detox process, listening to the hypno CD's and taking the supps.
Here's the problem I'm running into now which I'm afraid is going to derail me - I was really doing well until this week when my Topamax dosage went up to 75 mg.
I was experiencing irritability at 25 & 50 mg, so I stopped taking it at lunch & just took it all with dinner. Same with 75 mgs - I take it all with dinner. The reason for this is that I can't deal w/ irritable or angry or sad feelings at work. I have to be in control of my feelings or I could lose my job (heavy customer service - always have to be smiling & full of sunshine! ). If that were to happen it would be bad as I have no other means of support or even savings. Now at 75 mg a depression has set in and it's not to be endured! I can't even pretend to have a positive outlook when my brain is telling me that everything sucks, especially me. Taking the Topa defeats the whole purpose b/c this week I have been drinking alot more; not as much as I used to but last night & the night before almost a full bottle of wine each. Not good. And I trace it directly to the depression from the Topa. Also, along with that is an inability to focus and organize my thoughts, so planning my next move for sobriety has become extremely challenging. I'm taking hours to research & figure things out that should take minutes because all the variables are confusing me. I think I might need to ditch the Topa and try Campral...?
I'm not working with a doctor because a) I don't have one that I already know & trust. b) I have had alot of bad, degrading experiences and wasted alot of money on doctors who have not helped me with other problems. c) I don't have health insurance and I don't want to pay $200 (that's what it costs in NYC for a 10 min consult) to be told "sorry miss, can't help you, try AA" d) I can get the meds through my job. On the other hand, if there's anyone who knows or is already working with a doc in the NYC area that is nice and trustworthy, I would be interested.
I was reading on these boards about Campral and thought I might try that instead of Topamax and just quit drinking altogether. But first I need to know how long these side effects (depression & sluggishness & brain-fog) will last, and if I should stick it out, keep upping the dosage? Titrate down? Some websites say when you up the dosage the side effects subside, and some say you should lower the dosage, but most of the sites are talking about other conditions, i.e. epilepsy. I'm so confused. Everything I read online says "ask your doctor..." And If I use the Campral, how long do I have to wait to start it from the time I get off Topamax. Is it OK that I take all the Topa at dinner? I don't know anything about meds and their half-lives.
Any info is very much appreciated. I was gliding and then I crashed. Now I'm tangled, stuck hanging in a tree on the side of a dusty parched mountain with only the My Way Out plane circling overhead. Thanks to all of you for being here.
Deirdre
I gave up food for alcohol for much of my 30's in order to stay slim. (I'll tell all the other things I gave up for alcohol as soon as I find a publisher :-o) I wouldn't eat all day, and my reward at the end of the day was a pint of Hennessy. I wouldn't keep much food in the house, so that when the empty pit would form in my stomach from the liquor, I couldn't completely gorge myself. I was/am a daily drinker since I was in my late 20's - I'm 42 now - so I'd say I've been hittin it for about 15 years. To my knowledge, no one in my family knows that I'm a drunk. Even my friends don't really know the extent of my dependency. Some of them have seen me drunk/gotten drunk with me, but they just think it's social drinking. They don't know that I go home after and keep drinking ( the real drinking, you know, with my best, most reliable friend in a bottle) til I pass out. There is something in me that just wants to drink til I die. And there's another thing in me that wants to live the life I was meant to live, and they are in a battle to the death. I am constantly struggling toward that better life, but the battle itself can leave me exhausted and feeling beaten down. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel fills me with hope (thanks MWO), and sometimes that hope in itself is enough to keep me going. I believe I am a strong person. I've quit drinking in the past, completely cold turkey, I just refused to keep letting the isht control my life and I didn't drink for 3 months and then 5 months. That was about 2 years ago. I quit smoking in March of 2003 (20 year pack a day habit). Since then every attempt I've made to quit has only lasted 2 - 3 weeks at the longest, and the cravings and irritability never subsided. I guess it was some consolation to have a cigarette if I couldn't have a drink. Many times I've quit for a day or two or a week. Of course each time I was intending to quit FOREVER!!! So the frustration and disappointment in myself is eating away at my confidence.
So now on the MWO program I was doing really well for the first 2 weeks. My usual consumption of a pint of liquor or 1 - 2 bottles of wine a day went down to 1 - 2 glasses of wine a day with dinner. That's all I wanted and I was satisfied. I was drinking like a normal person and I felt great. I was thinking WOW! I can live like this! You mean I can have my wine and drink it too? I can have my life and a little wine too? Phenomenal! I am also getting up early in the morning going to the gym before work, even taking a long sauna to help the detox process, listening to the hypno CD's and taking the supps.
Here's the problem I'm running into now which I'm afraid is going to derail me - I was really doing well until this week when my Topamax dosage went up to 75 mg.
I was experiencing irritability at 25 & 50 mg, so I stopped taking it at lunch & just took it all with dinner. Same with 75 mgs - I take it all with dinner. The reason for this is that I can't deal w/ irritable or angry or sad feelings at work. I have to be in control of my feelings or I could lose my job (heavy customer service - always have to be smiling & full of sunshine! ). If that were to happen it would be bad as I have no other means of support or even savings. Now at 75 mg a depression has set in and it's not to be endured! I can't even pretend to have a positive outlook when my brain is telling me that everything sucks, especially me. Taking the Topa defeats the whole purpose b/c this week I have been drinking alot more; not as much as I used to but last night & the night before almost a full bottle of wine each. Not good. And I trace it directly to the depression from the Topa. Also, along with that is an inability to focus and organize my thoughts, so planning my next move for sobriety has become extremely challenging. I'm taking hours to research & figure things out that should take minutes because all the variables are confusing me. I think I might need to ditch the Topa and try Campral...?
I'm not working with a doctor because a) I don't have one that I already know & trust. b) I have had alot of bad, degrading experiences and wasted alot of money on doctors who have not helped me with other problems. c) I don't have health insurance and I don't want to pay $200 (that's what it costs in NYC for a 10 min consult) to be told "sorry miss, can't help you, try AA" d) I can get the meds through my job. On the other hand, if there's anyone who knows or is already working with a doc in the NYC area that is nice and trustworthy, I would be interested.
I was reading on these boards about Campral and thought I might try that instead of Topamax and just quit drinking altogether. But first I need to know how long these side effects (depression & sluggishness & brain-fog) will last, and if I should stick it out, keep upping the dosage? Titrate down? Some websites say when you up the dosage the side effects subside, and some say you should lower the dosage, but most of the sites are talking about other conditions, i.e. epilepsy. I'm so confused. Everything I read online says "ask your doctor..." And If I use the Campral, how long do I have to wait to start it from the time I get off Topamax. Is it OK that I take all the Topa at dinner? I don't know anything about meds and their half-lives.
Any info is very much appreciated. I was gliding and then I crashed. Now I'm tangled, stuck hanging in a tree on the side of a dusty parched mountain with only the My Way Out plane circling overhead. Thanks to all of you for being here.
Deirdre
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