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Waiting for his way out
November 20th, 2008, 02:39 PM
At the end of the initial phase of the program. Mid-November was the magical time my hubby asked me to wait until, until things got better and life turned around.
Well, next week it is Thanksgiving in the US and minus a couple of hick-ups or steps back we MADE it.
I must admit I was very doubtful, but I am pleasantly surprised at the results. We went from the end of the world and the end of our relationship to a promising future together.
I know this is not all good and all better, I know there will be times when things will be difficult, but also know they will be shorter and less painful.
For all of you who are Waiting for your loved one to find their way, I wanted to share my hubby's success. In the past 7 weeks he went back once to his vodka. It is 7 weeks more than he ever did in 14 years. I am hanging in there.. you hang in there also.
Best of luck.

Waiting for his way out
November 20th, 2008, 03:02 PM
Thank you.. the only thing we will high on will be each other and food :)

startingover
November 20th, 2008, 03:10 PM
Oh waiting, that is inspirational! I am so pleased for both of you...

Waiting for his way out
November 20th, 2008, 03:20 PM
I am sleeping, I am not crying, I am not screaming, I am only looking for that hidden bottle twice a week, not twice a day (I am not perfect yet)
I am in my own recovery path to find internal peace. I say "bring it on life and AL" I am stronger now, I can beat you. sh.. I am crying again.

startingover
November 20th, 2008, 03:24 PM
Hey, sometimes crying is good....it gets it all out.
You are doing so well. I dont think I would have had your patience and courage to deal with anything like this

Waiting for his way out
November 20th, 2008, 04:01 PM
It was like living in a movie for the past 3 years. Nothing seemed real, I can't ever remember all the dates and places, just the events in great detail.
I could not have made this far with all the help I found here. It is my Oasis.

LVT25
November 20th, 2008, 06:25 PM
I'm so happy for you guys, waiting!! :l :h

nancy
November 21st, 2008, 02:34 AM
Great news.

I know this might be hard to hear. But if there is a slide-back, it's not about you personally.

DeeBee
November 21st, 2008, 06:44 AM
What wonderful news Waiting!
You have been detremental to hubby's recovery, I hope you both have a awesome Thanksgiving together.

Popeye
November 21st, 2008, 07:11 AM
Thanks for that Waiting...
You have both done very well so far and I hope that you can make it.
Good luck.

AAthlete
November 21st, 2008, 08:48 AM
Waiting, I am so happy for you. Enjoy your special Thanksgiving together - you really do have reason to give thanks....

Wish Upon a Star
November 22nd, 2008, 04:10 AM
Waiting that is great news, 7 weeks is a real achievment. Well done to you and your husband. I have read your posts and you have given me inspiration to carry on with my journey.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving you derserve it

Love

Wish xx

gyco
November 22nd, 2008, 05:39 AM
not tht my spouse would be interested in this forum,but congrats,i wish you both well,one of the greatest things of recoevery is we , or i begin to understand my illness,my wife like you,has been a rock in hour relationship,great thread and i wish you both well, gyco ps it does get briter, i was the designated driver last nt from the party,neat eh

thirdsister
November 26th, 2008, 04:23 PM
Waiting...that's awesome! Your story has been an inspiration for me (a family member) and my Mom (copper).

Gyco...designated driver huh? That's great! I think it is very cool that you were able to fill that role - congrats!

Waiting for his way out
December 5th, 2008, 11:08 AM
I just got back on the site and found all your wishes, thank you so much. Thanksgiving was nice and quiet and cold, just the way we wanted it.
BUT, here comes that BUT... This week has not been so great, found another little bottle hidden with vodka. There is no why or reason, just because. He tells me not to make a big deal out of it.. oh sure, easy for him to say. it is easier to sweep the event under the rug rather than dealing with what happened.
Today I am very angry and I feel like just giving up on everything, . I am sorry, but I am just so tired of giving one more chance again and again.
Taking deep breaths and hoping we get back on track.

DeeBee
December 5th, 2008, 11:21 AM
Deep breaths are in order! I don't have any words of comfort .... just know that I am thinking of you!

Waiting for his way out
December 5th, 2008, 11:32 AM
I don't get it anymore. How can you tell someone how lucky you are to have her, without her you would be dead and so on.. and then go back and do exactly what creates the problem in the first place. How can you be sorry for doing the same things hundreds of times?
Right now, I have lost all faith in him, just as I was rebuilding some. He continues the lies and deception.
I am fully aware the severity of the drinking has subsided, but somehow that should make me feel better? okay, so he does not drinking nearly as much, a fraction of what used to be, but he apparently has still not stopped, while giving me the impression and the promise he had. He also promised if he had not stopped by the end of November he would seek real one-on-one help, now of course he refuses.
Just so MAD and greatly disappointed today. :(

DeeBee
December 5th, 2008, 12:00 PM
Ah Waiting, your post makes me want to cry -- I can hear the dissapiontment and anger.
I have just read a book called "A million little pieces" Have you heard of it? The author goes into detail about his parents feelings and his feelings towards his parents (he's young) and it really gives me more insight to how us AL can destroy our loved ones trust and faith in us.

Waiting for his way out
December 5th, 2008, 12:33 PM
I am just so angry today, I know tomorrow is another day. What I am concerned about is that everytime this happens I add another brick to the wall between us. I feel more indifferent and more distant each time, when the anger has passed.
I will look for the book.

cyclefan
December 5th, 2008, 01:19 PM
Was this the deal breaker Waiting?

Waiting for his way out
December 5th, 2008, 01:30 PM
I wish I had the answer. I don't follow through with the promises made to myself. I end up giving him one more chance, I have lost count of how many. Some days (like today) I want to get it over with and not try anymore. But, part of me already knows tomorrow when I am not so angry anymore... I will give him one more chance, again. The difference is, from the past, i become a little "harden" each time. No tears, no dispair, just anger and disappointment. I am afraid the day will come when I will not get angry anymore, could I get to the point of "I really don't care" or "whatever". That point seems to get closer and closer with each lie and deception.

cyclefan
December 5th, 2008, 01:39 PM
I am sorry. There is a little something is all of us I think that wishes we could take the hurt away from the nice people in the world. I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I do not. I take a lot of Dr. Laura's advice myself. She is harsh though.

Waiting for his way out
December 5th, 2008, 01:47 PM
I am only verbally harsh, inside I am too soft. :) thank you for your kind words.

copper
December 5th, 2008, 04:34 PM
Dear Waiting, When I have more time I will post more, but I totally understand where you are coming from. The hurt, the anger.

I will log on later. ~~Copper

Waiting for his way out
December 5th, 2008, 04:40 PM
Thanks Copper, as the hours pass I am feeling better. I was really furious yesterday and this morning. He does not understand that each time he does this, everything else from the past resurfaces after I spent so much time and effort putting it all away. I am more frustrating now than angry.

Determinatrix
December 5th, 2008, 05:12 PM
Waiting -

All you can do is inspire. He must be willing to be inspired.

I got a PM from another member in our shoes (the spouse of one with an alcohol dependence). She decided to let go; detach. She continued with her plans, even tho he was too drunk to attend. She continued to make a wonderful meal, even tho he was too sick to eat it. She chose to no longer bounce off of his scenario, but instead continue her own. She is happier for it. And maybe he will bounce off her scenario. She chose not to make his drinking the most important part of her day. That still does not make it easy. It's hard on the heart. But it's a lot healthier than living every moment based on someone else's unhealthy choices for you.

I hope you recieve this as it is intended - with tenderness and sympathy.

Dx

gyco
December 5th, 2008, 05:45 PM
my dear it is not about you,there are many threads here of the illness ,yes illness we hav,my wife has had many trying days,and so hav i with her womenly illnesses,are they not the same,oops i got a head ache, or ive started my period,three times in a month holy shit,my yungest daughter once told me,i would of left yur sorry ass a long time ago,hello,is it tht bad ,LEAVE,thts wht i told her to do,many times,out of the frustration of not knowing wht to do,trust me you aint seen nothing yet,you wont cure him,he has to do tht,will life get better for him if he totally stops, i dought it ive been there,as far as the hidin thing were still lookin for all my stashes,get off yur hi horse and ask him if he wants help,then get it,send him to canada,homewood, ontario,theyll fix, him,gyco you mt not like wht you see

copper
December 7th, 2008, 04:25 PM
Hi His way,
I am not sure about the post from gyno, since I do not log on very often, I must be missing something. And I don't know what alot of the slang means.
Our Thanksgiving started with Rach being upset with us for asking my family to be AF. (that one I know) She pretty much blasted me, (for which I was glad, because she usually keeps it bottled up inside, then it adds to the "anger", misplaced or not, it's still anger) I apolised, then the weekend came and went and it was wonderful. A lot of fun.
Since she had gotten a job (part time) we let her take her car back to her apt., and we have not spoken to her since, there have been one or two contacts and this was through "Facebook". I got a email from her councelor telling us she missed her appointment one day, and the deal was, between all of us, once she misses one appointment without calling first we are done paying for them. She had done this to us to many times when she was living here. (lying cheating and stealing)
Then we got an "email" from our daughter saying her cell phone was dead, and she 'thinks" she missed a therapy appointment, this was 3 days after the fact. I told her she could talk to the therapist and to have her therapist call me, and so far nothing. So I doubt she talked to the therapist, and since her usual MO is drinking when she has no contact with us, we figure she is drinking.
The worst part is not knowing, in our hearts of hearts knowing she is drinking, and here Christmas is coming up and I have been checking on flights for her to come out with us to visit her sisters for the holiday. She found out about that, we're flying out, and clocked out on that too. But we thought since she was applying to inpatient therapy she might be unavailable. We booked our flights a month ago, thinking we'd have time to book one for her if she was available and sober. Just that plainly we do not want to be around her when she is drinking. None of us.
Is that awful? How do you do it living with your husband day in and day out? I can't imagin it, our daughter lives away from us now and it is so much easier. I have to put a "distance" emotionally between us, or else is is to painful.
I think Determinatrix post was right on, to go about living your own life. And I do know that has got to be hard. You love him and want to help, but there is nothing you can do....there isn't enough love in the world to change someone. And I know it sound selfish to think of yourself, but you've got too. I don't even know if you have children or not.
I am going to close, know that I am thinking about you and praying for you and your husband, that is all anyone can do. I don't know how people who have no faith deal with problems like this.
sincerely...copper

LVT25
December 7th, 2008, 06:19 PM
Dear Waiting--

I'm so sorry about the "BUT". I just feel for you. I remember too well what if feels like to be married to someone that lies, and lies, and how helpless it feels because we know how sick they are. That must be why they do it, why else? Nothing else makes sense.
If he said he would go to counseling, he should go. Even though they have an addiction, doesn't mean they can't get help! In my case, I was going to AlAnon, and I started praying like crazy--you know "Let go and Let God". I finally woke up one day and knew what I had to do. It was one of the hardest choices I've ever made. But I'm glad I did it when I did.
Take care. :l

Beaches
December 8th, 2008, 07:28 AM
Dear Waiting, thank you for posting. It does open one's eyes to the effects that drinking has on family members. I hope the weekend went well for you and that you are feeling a little bit better.
With respect, Beaches

Cinders
December 8th, 2008, 07:53 AM
Waiting,

I am sorry. Have done the same to my hubby in the past and have decided from now on, truthfulness is my only path.

I can't advise but I can send some serious understanding.

Love,
Cindi

Waiting for his way out
December 11th, 2008, 12:21 PM
Thank you everyone, except Gyco.

Beaches
December 30th, 2008, 08:46 AM
Waiting, how are you doing?

gyco
December 30th, 2008, 09:10 AM
mrs waiting its been a while and many threads later,i do hope your hubby and you hav found som peaceful ground,i hope he received som help,i hope yo hav also looked for ways of coping,i did not rt tht to offend you,your hubby sounds like i was ,you sound like my wife,i regretted to tell you i received treatment this year for the very 1st and last time,people like us tend to hurt the people we love the most,including ourselves,i was sober for 10 months,again,but the treatment helped,it made me look at i was not only doing to me,but the hurt iwas causing all round me,i had a choice to make,stay and try to change,if tht ment not drinking so be it,but all around me drink,very difficult,or try to moderate,i was told i couldnt,they were wrong,after treatment i was not the same man,i am succeeding where ive never succeeded b4,its a lot of work,not just for me,but my family,i had to share this with you,my oldest son at christmas stood this year and said he was proud of me,14 months ago he had no use for me,i hope the same for you and hubby,tht id share with someone i hurt,gyco hav a wonderful christmas and new year

Waiting for his way out
January 30th, 2009, 01:23 PM
Gyco, I am so glad you and your family have found a certain internal peace. Times have been difficult since my last post. I stayed away from the site until today. Christmas was as best as it could be with AL ghostly presence. I was truly hoping the start of a New Year would be a fresh start... it has not been so.
Deception, lies and pain continue to be present. the same broken promises and disappointments. This time I have started a log of all episodes with dates and brief description. This log is to help me understand that I am not crazy or guilty for what is happening to my husband. He is still trying to find his way, but it does not last more than a couple of days.
I feel as if I am in a transition period, between not knowing what to do with my life and still hanging in there for our sake and future.
Thank you for the kind words, they mean a lot to me.

A Work in Progress
January 30th, 2009, 01:36 PM
Waiting, I am so sorry things are still so bad. I hope your husband is still coming to this site, and that he will take the all-important step of beginning to post here, to interact with us here, and to work on getting free from alcohol. Sometime it becomes obvious to most of us that we CANNOT do it on our own. I do hope he realizes this soon...

Waiting for his way out
January 30th, 2009, 01:45 PM
No, he will not come here. "You don't know... he is different" he is the only one who knows the recipe for his success, he will not accept anyone's adivse or professional opinion.
I tried.