Intimacy....

[AAthlete]

Guys, had a good discussion with my sponsor this morning concerning intimacy with our significant others.

As a lot of you know, my wife runs a daycare out of our house, and she has one family that she has difficulty with. They have a six & three year-old here, and they are both difficult children (and the wife is an unrecognized alcoholic). The six year-old has been kicked out a couple of times because of behavior issues, but invariably my wife will give them another chance - and of course everything repeats itself over and over again.

I find myself getting a little resentful over all this because a large part of our conversations these days revolves around this family. What the six year-old did today that was bad, or what the Mom did that was so selfish, and so on, I find myself not talking to her as much simply because this comes up again and again and I get sick of it. We've talked about it over and over- if it bothers her so much and causes her so much angst then tell the family you are sorry but they need to make other arrangements and be done with it but she never does.

What my sponsor reminded me of is that none of us are perfect - we all have defects to deal with everyday. My wife is handling it her way and I need to be able to accept that. By the same token, I need to open up to her and tell her how I feel, and how these conversations make me feel. That is part of that emotional intimacy that I need to continually work on. I was always thinking that I need to just agree with her and be the good listener - but that does neither of us any good, right? We need to be able to emotionally give AND take from each other to be a true team...

Anyway, thanks for listening.

[keepwalking]

Intimacy....

great point AA could you show her this post?

[retteacher]

Intimacy....

AAth: I agree that at some point we have to have rigorous honesty about our feelings. Otherwise, our spouses never get the real us. Nothing has to be said in anger. I try to "say what I mean, mean what I say, but not say it mean." This isn't easy for me, because I grew up feeling as if I had to keep a lot inside myself...feelings, opinions, thoughts. Sometimes the sympathetic listening and the giving of suggestions ends up being counter-productive. It tends to prolong the situation, & the other person doesn't hit bottom in his/her own way. Your wife (& my husband) have their own paths which we probably shouldn't be meddling with. Good luck.

Mary

[Miss Behaving]

Intimacy....

AAAth ---- this is very difficult territory but I think Mary has words of wisdom.

You are a good man - but just agreeing with her probably doesn't help. To me it just feels like acquiescence/passive aggression. Uncle Mame and I have had a serious discussion about this over the last 24 hours. I need to voice my point of view .... but I also need to hear his. And sometimes I need to let what he says sink in.

Your wife is doing great things - giving and taking is important. But your time together is too. Maybe you need to agree about some sacrosanct time together???

[dill]

Intimacy....

I'm new here, sort of. I have been reading for a long time, but have just joined. So I don't know if you would like input from someone you absolutely do not know. But, what struck me when I read your thread starter were two things. First, that communication is essential to any relationship. Sometimes communication is hard, and therefore takes work. But it is key. Second, there seems to be a basic difference between the way women deal with issues and the way men do. Women tend to talk the issue through from all angles and repeatedly. It's a way of dealing. Men tend to deal more directly, decide and do. They don't spin their wheels like we women do.
Well, anyway, I hope you resolve things soon! I also want to say I've read many of your posts and have gained inspiration from them. Thank you!

[keeta]

Intimacy....

AAth,
I have a little different spin on this in that, I think in my relationship, I am your wife! :H
I work with the public, and I know I will often times bitch and moan to my husband about this person or the other, probably TOO much, too often, and over and over ad infinitum. I know from my side of it, I am not looking for answers or for him to solve my work issues, only to vent my daily frustrations to some one I would love to support and agree with me (hubby: "yes K, they are all assholes, I am sorry you had a crappy day" LOL). He doesn't...so I feel let down...and he is PO'd as I am sure he is sick of listening to it! Of course that is the problem with "our" relationship dynamics...but I just thought I'd give you a tiny glimpse into something that struck me as similar, from the "complainer" side!

Also, it is a nice reminder to hear how I likely sound to my husband as well.

Good luck AA, and all the best,
K

PS...wanted to add that I know I DO talk about work too much, so on that part, I could use some work....sometimes I just can't help myself. Have you told your wife it bothers you, or that you don't know what she needs from you *when she is going on about this particular child or family?

[BridgetJones1998]

Intimacy....

Hello AA. First of all, you are a great man. You obviously care for your wife very much and want to make things better for her and for you as well.

I read a book years ago. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Basically, women like to talk about their day, little things that bother them and through talking they solve their own problems. Men don't solve problems that way. They don't talk about them, they "fix" them. They jump right in and try to fix the woman's problem. Therein the conflict begins because that is not what she wants. She is just venting and will figure it out in the process. Basically what Dill is saying... a different way of "dealing with a problem.

Just 2 cents worth from "John Grey, PhD"... paraphrased... for what it's worth. The book had my husband and me down exactly.... it was scary. I think it may have saved our marriage about 10 years ago.

Hang in there. This marriage stuff is HARD WORK!