I Need to Abstain, but can I?

[j-vo]

So after 69 days of being AF, in mid October, I decided I could moderate. Went pretty well for one month. I think I moderated pretty well, although I did break my rules by drinking more than I'd planned. I don't think I could have called it a binge, because they were spread apart. Then the end of November hits (not too much modding time in) and I started to binge Friday, Sat. and Sun the first few weeks of December. My anxiety and depression skyrocketed, the stress of the holidays hit, my work seemed to stress me out so much. I didn't love the holidays, although I can't remember when I ever did. After x-mas, I was off AL for 4 days, began to feel better. Then New Year's Eve hit. Didn't moderate as was my plan. Then New Years day. Then yesterday. Once I get into this binging shit, everything spirals down, down, down.

I'm beginning to see modding isn't my thing. But I'm afraid to admit it to myself let alone anyone else.

I could tell in my son's behaviors and his words that he's recognized this downward spiral as well. It hurts so much to let him down. I hate it like nothing else. I've even asked for help with that before, now I feel like such a jerk for F-ing up again.

To boot, I feel like I have a dull pain in my liver, and I've on numerous occasions have tried to research and learn what may be the causes - duh! Of course it AL. Stupid comments I've made here or there lately to friends, family. Stupid things I've done. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Then I read how unsuccessful people are at going AL free. They slipped, relapsed. . . I know deep down that I'm not going to be able to mod, but I'm feeling afraid. Afraid of failing, afraid that I'm going to go back to trying to mod and fail again. I'm too old to keep failing in life. Missing out on so much in life. For what? A buzz, then drunk daze, hangover, sick, hurting others and then the cycle repeats and repeats.

You are my mod friends. Maybe you can help me - I'd never put down your modding goals. Believe me - I'm not a judgmental person. I just don't feel like I can mod, but I don't know how to live a life free from AL. I did it for 69 days, but never longer except when I was pregnant. I don't want to be a "dry drunk" if that's what they call it. Oh shit. That's all. Thanks for any words.

[A Work in Progress]

I Need to Abstain, but can I?

Well, I'm not one of your "mod friends" but I'd be glad to be a friend, anyway. I read your post before I realized you were directing it to modders... and I just want to put in a word of encouragement. It wasn't here on this site, but I tried to "moderate," or control, my drinking for years. It was hit or miss, at best, and mostly it was horrible. Not drinking at all is MUCH easier than trying to keep a lid on it... for me, and for many others. Very possibly, it would be for you, too. It was a wonderful thing to put that whole struggle behind me. Just making alcohol a non-issue is a huge relief... I'm not saying it's always easy, but it is (for me) much easier than life with alcohol ever was. And I don't even know what a "dry drunk" is... people use the term in several different ways... whatever it is, it certainly isn't inevitably a part of quitting the alcohol!

Anyhow... best wishes...

[Sunbeam]

I Need to Abstain, but can I?

J-vo,
It is always good to hear from you, even if the news isn't great. We are your friends. But each of us here is unique. We certainly know that moderation does not work for many - that is often repeated here at MWO. But whether it can work for any individual can probably only be determined through experimentation. Try it, then evaluate your results. It seems that's what you have been doing, and the results are not impressive. Drinking isn't that great, in my opinion. It causes so many problems. I think you are continuing to learn about yourself, your ability to change your relationship with (or maybe without) alcohol. You are right, even many who go AF have relapses. In your post you are writing down your thoughts, getting our reactions. I want you to get your real life back. Abstaining is easier than drinking moderately, in my experience. I found that drinking frequently is like quitting over and over again. You definitely will learn to abstain if that is your choice. Have you read through the toolbox thread, under the monthly abstinance section? There are lots of good ideas posted there to help people abstain.

Take care of yourself. Your son needs you, and your students need you.

[JAMMS]

I Need to Abstain, but can I?

J-vo- You have my support no matter what. Everyone is different. I am not one of those modders who has a problem with Abstainers. I just don't get that, why would one group have a problem with another but whatever..... If you need to stop AL completely then that is what you need to do for YOU. Don't worry about anyone else. You will learn to live life without AL if that is what you have to do. People have done it. You did it for 69 days for goodness sake! Are you forgetting that? That's a long freakin' time....I can understand being afraid to fail, we all are. Just don't be afraid to succeed. :l Good luck.

[j-vo]

I Need to Abstain, but can I?

WIP - thanks for your wise words of encouragement. I get so much out of your posts to others and you inspire me. I completely understand what you mean when you say that it's easier to abstain than to moderate. I felt that for 69 days. It's such a struggle for me to continue to try and moderate when I feel as though deep down it's not going to work. I guess my inner conflicts and feelings of "what are others going to think" bothers me - whispers - why isn't she drinking . . . That's something I'd have to learn how to live with I guess. I don't want to be referred to as an alcoholic - so much labeling turns into negative talk.

Sun, you too inspire me. You've found what works for your and I'm so happy for you. Happy that you are in control. I want to get my life back. Because I'm a teacher an important thing is that I need to be in control in the classroom. When I don't have the control, I fall apart, have a bad day. Well, with this moderation, I don't feel as though I've been successful with the control part. That unnerves me. I'm a control freak!!!! Have to be. Thanks Sun.

Jamms - thanks for your very encouraging words. No, I definitely have not forgotten my 69 days. Your right. I need to think about those successful days. And worrying about others and what they think has been a lifelong problem that maybe I need to get over now. Thanks for your support!

[Ask For Help]

I Need to Abstain, but can I?

Hi J-Vo:

Sorry to hear the pain in your post, but glad that you posted. This is a place to ask for help sorting things out.

I hear you saying a couple of things:
1. You're scared you might fail
2. You're upset with your self for recent mistakes
3. You think you need to go AF but you're not sure you can

Can you do a few AF days and just think on this some more?

Its common to feel guilt or shame when you feel you've goofed up, but in my opinion,this is not a good basis to be making decisions. Nor a deterrent to future drinking. It wears off (thank goodness) and you'll think more clearly - without the guilt.

Modding might not be for you, especially if feel in your heart of hearts it won't work. But modding is a learned, practiced behavior that requires a plan, tracking, support etc. etc. Just as in going AF there are bumps along the way, and what's happened over the holidays could be those bumps or they could be true signs that this won't work for you. Only you can know that, and you need to try to be honest and objective to think that through.

I feel confident with the support here you can find your way out. We're here to help. PM me if you'd like.

Sleep tight.

Ask

[nancy]

I Need to Abstain, but can I?

Hi J-Vo

Sorrry moderating did not work out for you. I wonder, have you ever read Alan Carr's Easy Way to Control Alcohol? It really deals with the deprivation issue and social stigma. As he points out, years ago, people would feel sorry for you if you "had" to quit smoking. Like you were deprived for not being able to have it. And look how people react now? Also he sees alcohol as honey trap that sucks people in with varying degrees of success.

I think it's actually encouraging in a way that your main obstacle seems to be getting over what other people think because that is an obstacle that definitely can be overcome. Alan Carr talks a lot about the illusions of alcohol and I think the book could help you.

Do you think people already know you are an alcoholic? I mean, are these people you are worried about, are they people who have seen you drunk or are they new people you would meet? If they are new, there are plenty of excuses you could use. How old are you if i may ask? I think as you get older it gets more common and acceptable for women not to drink. If it was super hard for you, not sure if you would be capable of this, it can work to accept a drink in those really awkward champagne toast moments and just have a sip and leave it there.

I think there are a lot of social situations where it is really fine to not drink. AA has some literature on dealing with social situations, have you ever checked out a meeting and looked at the books? I would suggest avoiding the situations where it is accepted you have a drink, like bars where there are no diversions (no events going on.)

I am also really working on the stigma myself because I know it is a big obstacle to healing. Therapists can help with this but the real healing and acceptance has to come from within. Maybe others can comment on how they overcame the stigma themselves.

Nancy

[Eve11]

I Need to Abstain, but can I?

Hi J-Vo twin,
I responded to the weekly post and addressed some of the things you're talking about there. I cut and pasted a portion of it what I wanted you to see. If you have time you may want to go to that thread as there's more detail there.
Here's a little of what I posted which talks about the stigma as Nancy mentioned.

"I didn't like the stigma of not drinking. Back then seems everyone was a social drinker and I stood out to the point of people asking questions of why I didn't drink. When I said I was a recovering Alcoholic I got the strangest looks. I confided my recovery to a co-worker who gossiped about me and the whole thing of being a "recovering alcoholic" with that stigma just plain got to me. Started to see people who were drunk and I'd be thinking "I never got that bad" ...etc. So eventually I started drinking again.
The downfall? I'm still a person with a drinking problem. So, even if I'm not as bad as the true street alcoholic with no home, no shoes and a bottle in the hand - I can wreck my life just as easily if I get too drunk, black out, etc.
So, I'm here - modding since 9/2/8 and so far I'm doing a pretty good job at modding. Love WIP's title and I remain the same ... a work in progress."

Good luck J-Vo. Know that I'm here for you always no matter what you decide to do. If you need to go AF know that the mod board is always there for you as well as we continue to struggle just as Af'ers do and theres insightful information to be shared everywhere.
Hugs,
Eve11

[nancy]

I Need to Abstain, but can I?

I guess I don't see why you have to tell people you are a recovering alcoholic. It's not really anyone's business. As a woman and a parent, you probably would not stick out as a non-drinker unless you go sit at a bar and order a soda.

[A Work in Progress]

I Need to Abstain, but can I?

I agree with Nancy on this one. I did 3 years in AA and found that telling people I was a "recovering alcoholic" (I always hated that phrase anyhow, it can seem sanctimonious) was really off-putting. I prefer just saying "I don't drink." Or, "thanks, but I don't feel like having a drink." Better not to make a big deal out of it...

[Eve11]

I Need to Abstain, but can I?

I think things have gotten a lot easier this day and age as I'm finding SO many people don't drink now for various reasons. Nancy & W.I.P it wasn't clear whether you were responding to my post or to J-Vo's original post but if I were to go AF I would never use that "recovering alcoholic" terminology again.

Just as there are so many variables with moderating there are so many variables with what constitutes true alcoholism. In the minds of many people an alcoholic is a destitute person who has lost everything.

I haven't and I don't want my picture painted that way. So J-Vo as W.I.P. and Nancy both stated nobody really needs to know your business. Just a no thanks I prefer...water, club soda, etc. is sufficient.

Hang in there.
Eve11

[j-vo]

I Need to Abstain, but can I?

First, I'd like to say you all are such incredible supportive people. Thank you.

Nancy - I'm always looking for new books to read so I'll write Alan Carr on my book list. No, the only people that know I've had problems with drinking are my sister, my parents, my husband, my son, and my therapist and I'd like to keep it that way. But You're right and I like what you said that "real healing and acceptance has to come from within." I'll write that down too. Thank you.

Eve - That stigma is something that will never go away. Anyone who doesn't have a drinking problem will envision the drunk on the sidewalk in the city next to a garbage can with a bottle in a paper bag. Or they'll say "why don't they just grow up." It's really sad how people can be so judgmental of others without knowing their "story." I think I've become a more empathetic person throughout my struggles.

Wip - again, thank you for your ongoing words of encouragement.

[Eve11]

I Need to Abstain, but can I?

Ask For Help;509730 wrote: Can you do a few AF days and just think on this some more?

Ask,
I liked what you posted. Actually I liked everyone's responses- Jamms the 69 day reminder was what J-Vo needed to hear and Sunbeam you always have great insight as well. I already addressed WIP & Nancy so think I covered everyone. Awesome responses.

Ask this one line you posted really made me think. Would like to start a thread on it or encourage someone else. The big question being: When does a modder decide that modding isn't working.
Would like to hear from some who have tried and realized they can't.

WIP-what would a good title for this be and where's the best place to post it? Would love to hear your thoughts. Nancy, I'm not sure if you're AF or a modder but would love to hear your comments as well.
Hugs to all,
Eve11

[j-vo]

I Need to Abstain, but can I?

Great idea Eve. I'd love to hear what folks have to say about that. How many times "trying" is enough. When are you successful/feel successful?

[Sunbeam]

I Need to Abstain, but can I?

I think this would be a great post under General Discussion. Many AF people are eager to say, "I can't moderate", but just at what point did they decide to throw in the towel?