View Full Version : Mod Squad's weekly thread for the week of Jan 12th, 2009

January 12th, 2009, 03:18 AM
So my lovelies,

Last night I went to the China Grill in Beijing, which is perched on the 66th floor of the Park Hyatt Hotel. What a view!!! All 4 sides of the restaurant, and the roof, is made completely of glass. Holy crap. Had a lovely dinner (roasted tomato soup, spicy scallops and honey-battered king prawns) with my friend/ colleague from our Los Angeles office. Ordered a lovely bottle of 2007 Oyster Bay, a very solid Sauvignon Blanc from New Zealand. I had a couple of glasses, and after dinner we walked down to the 65th floor, to the China Bar, for an after dinner drink. I had a Macallan 12 year old single malt. Hm. Lovely.

Of course I wanted another one. That will never change. But what has changed is that I said instead, "waiter, can I get the bill please?" Maybe it was the setting, the atmosphere, the company... it was a place to be Classy, not crass.

Just in case you're wondering, I'm going to expense the evening to my company... I don't usually pay for meals like that myself. Not even close to being that well-off, nor shall I ever be (thankfully.)

I was home by 11.30 after dropping my colleague back to her hotel, in bed by 12, woke up at 8 feeling superb, with a clear head.

That was, from my own perspective, Moderation at its BEST (following the Quality Rule.)

I think My Way Out might be through Quality...

Sara, your description of your lovely pine-floored home was great. 1810! Only in New England! Thank you for sharing that, and I could just see the snow drifts in the early morning New England light, with the lights on your rickety picket fence. I spent quite a bit of time in Boston and up in VT. But that was many lifetimes ago...

Lila, you are GREAT. You are learning, and we all are learning. I have seen you come SO far since the start of the winter... keep moving girl. You're headed in a good direction I think.


Cheers you all.

Kid - my plan to simplify is coming along well. Yes outwardly it can be difficult, especially with the kind of life I lead due to its somewhat unique circumstances, but my point to Simply is more about what's going on INSIDE me... about how I think mostly. Controlling one's mind is key. I feel good, simplified inside. Going home helps me with that. I feel so 'centered' after going home. It really puts everything into perspective for me. It's that sort of Real place, where all the BS falls away really quickly.

Even a Nowhere Man has a home somewhere... even if 'home' is family, old street corners and alleyways remembered from childhood.

Mind you, having said this, I still have my formidable demons, but for now I am fighting them down well, and I am winning the battle. I have asked the Universe for its help, and it is helping me... (through great people like yourselves, for example)

But it's one day at a time this year, and for the rest of my days. I must remain on guard. My journey into wellness will never end so long as I'm breathing. One day at a time.

Love, all.


January 12th, 2009, 06:28 AM
Good Morning Mod Squad,
Zed, your evening out sounds wonderful. When I first met my husband, he was drinking Macallan. Now, sadly, he's been reduced to Dewars...Unless, of course, his company's paying.

I woke up feeling a little down. Funny how my mood is apparent to me even as I lie in bed, just waking up...Nothing to have influenced it one way or another, except, perhaps, dreams I don't remember. I was very cheery during my stretch of AF time. Now It's been several (3? 4?, can't recall) nights of moderate drinking, and I feel blue, so maybe that's why. It's not the only factor, though...Hubby's back into work mood and not as present either physically or psychologically as he was over Christmas vacation. Prozac has "left the building" at this point. We are trying to spend less money, which means a vow not to go out to eat until the end of the month, and none of those trips to the Museum of Science or any of our other haunts that charge admission. We are trying to find things to do with the kids that don't cost anything, and in mid-winter, it isn't easy. I get bored; I admit it.

I'm rambling. (Self-criticism: another sign of a low grade depression creeping in.) I'm telling myself I won't have a drink tonight, and I'll see how I feel. I'm not pacting, though...If I decide to have a glass of wine after Hubby gets home from work, I don't want to have all of you breathing down my neck! :H Just kidding...But I'm going to see how it feels to know that I can have a glass of wine if I want, and yet to focus on the benefits of choosing not to.

Be well, Squad. Sara

January 12th, 2009, 06:30 AM
Good Morning Mod Squad,
Zed, your evening out sounds wonderful. When I first met my husband, he was drinking Macallan. Now, sadly, three kids later and he's been reduced to Dewars...Unless, of course, his company's paying.

I woke up feeling a little down. Funny how my mood is apparent to me even as I lie in bed, just waking up...Nothing to have influenced it one way or another, except, perhaps, dreams I don't remember. I was very cheery during my stretch of AF time. Now It's been several (3? 4?, can't recall) nights of moderate drinking, and I feel blue, so maybe that's why. It's not the only factor, though...Hubby's back into work mode and not as present either physically or psychologically as he was over Christmas vacation. Prozac has "left the building" at this point. We are trying to spend less money, which means a vow not to go out to eat until the end of the month, and none of those trips to the Museum of Science or any of our other haunts that charge admission. We are trying to find things to do with the kids that don't cost anything, and in mid-winter, it isn't easy. I get bored; I admit it.

I'm rambling. (Self-criticism: another sign of a low grade depression creeping in.) I'm telling myself I won't have a drink tonight, and I'll see how I feel. I'm not pacting, though...If I decide to have a glass of wine after Hubby gets home from work, I don't want to have all of you breathing down my neck! :H Just kidding...But I'm going to see how it feels to know that I can have a glass of wine if I want, and yet to focus on the benefits of choosing not to.

Be well, Squad. Sara

Kid Shelleen
January 12th, 2009, 08:06 AM
It's a beautiful morning....

Waking Depressed:
When I wake in the morning,and it's dark, and I'm lying in bed getting "the lay of the land", I realize how often we are at the mercy of our moods. I read something once that instructed us to start being thankful immediately for how much is going right so far; just ignore the negative for a moment. It went as far as to say that the direction of the day depended on the first words out of your mouth. Oddly enough, I tried it, and it works.Say "Thank you" to the air. Say "Good morning, I love you" to your cat or mate lying next to you. Try something affirming...Don't say,"Shit, I think I'm depressed again today".
If my first words are nagging at the wife, kids, or dog; if I turn on the ever-negative news right away and then comment under my breath...this day is going to have a hard time turning around.
When I am mindful, which is more often these days, I lie in bed and feel the warmth..I thank God that the furnace seems to have worked all night. We are all dry, safe and warm. Even if the roof were to be leaking; it's not leaking here, on my bed. We're OK. I feel the breathing next to me. My wife is still here. She's alive, safe, warm, and with me. That won't always be so. Cherish these days.
I feel my limbs moving under the covers.I haven't had a stroke. God has given me another day! It's my empty canvas. It's MY story. What will I do with it? I hear my daughter moving around upstairs. I'm so thankful. How many people in the world won't have a day as good as mine is already? The warm shower; the hot water heater, clean fresh towels..Thank you, universe; thank you,thank you, thank you...The lights in the kitchen go on. There's food in the pantry and fridge...Anyway; before I run this into the ground; you get the idea. We can take control of our own thoughts early on before that dark cloud settles over us and we don't know why. I have found it's harder to turn a mood AROUND later in the morning, than it is to get it going in the right direction early.
Drinking and feeling blue
If you were drinking MORE, I would say it's no coincidence that you are getting "bluer" with more consecutive days of drinking, although it still could be a factor, perhaps its that guilt of yours. Are you so conscious of the drinking that you aren't letting yourself enjoy it? Just guessing here.
When I'm blue and telling myself it's going to be an AF day on top of it, I tend to feel worse.It makes for a long damn day with no "reward" in sight. You? Give yourself permission to have one SAVORED drink toward the end of the day and you may cheer a little. When the end of the day gets here, you can decide whether you really need it or not.There's a little elevation in mood with having that choice, and you need some elevation right this minute!
The Winter Prison:
When I'm broke and feeling like we can't do anything out; I take stock of our memberships (Zoo, museums, etc)
and see if there's anything we can do that I overlooked. I pack imaginative little luches instead of buying food wherever we decide to go. Sometime the paper will list happenings that are cheap or free. Hiking trails, parks, downtown events..whatever. Or just find the cheapest thing and make a day of it anyway. Just find a way to keep it within budget and still be fun. (If all this is stupid rambling that isn't triggering any ideas or translating into something usable, I apologize)
Eating Out:.
When we haven't taken the kids out to eat in a while,but are feeling pinched, I take them to where we like the food,or it's nice for them but the portions are sizable. We split entees, soups, salads whatever. I don't get alcohol (which in my bad days was as costly as having someone else eat with us!) and I actually get water instead, letting the girls get what they want to drink. In this way, we spend about a third of what we do when we're "not counting" and feel like we still treated ourselves.Too embarrassed to split items? Hey, they'll take ANY business; and they certainly don't mind us when we're throwing money all over the place during "fat" times. They can humor me during the lean times. besides, I tip 25% for a smile and gracious service, extra plates or whatever..they remember.
As far as pacting goes..I think that was YOU breathing down your own neck. There's no pressure here; (but I did tell you the "pacting" thing might burn itself out..) PROMISING someone that you won't drink if they won't ,is a powerful tool. I try not to wear it out, or else it becomes like the promises I make to myself; promises I make, and then BREAK, far too easily these days...
Well, judging from the length of this ramble, one might conclude that I've nothing to do this morning. That's not true at ALL.
So, I'm off. I will check with you later.
My best to you,Sara and all you Modders!!

Sarasmiles;517620 wrote:

I woke up feeling a little down. Funny how my mood is apparent to me even as I lie in bed, just waking up...Nothing to have influenced it one way or another, except, perhaps, dreams I don't remember. I was very cheery during my stretch of AF time. Now It's been several (3? 4?, can't recall) nights of moderate drinking, and I feel blue, so maybe that's why. It's not the only factor, though...Hubby's back into work mode and not as present either physically or psychologically as he was over Christmas vacation. Prozac has "left the building" at this point. We are trying to spend less money, which means a vow not to go out to eat until the end of the month, and none of those trips to the Museum of Science or any of our other haunts that charge admission. We are trying to find things to do with the kids that don't cost anything, and in mid-winter, it isn't easy. I get bored; I admit it.

I'm rambling. (Self-criticism: another sign of a low grade depression creeping in.) I'm telling myself I won't have a drink tonight, and I'll see how I feel. I'm not pacting, though...If I decide to have a glass of wine after Hubby gets home from work, I don't want to have all of you breathing down my neck! :H Just kidding...But I'm going to see how it feels to know that I can have a glass of wine if I want, and yet to focus on the benefits of choosing not to.

Be well, Squad. Sara

January 12th, 2009, 09:07 AM
I struggle in winter, too. I tell myself it is not depression; it is a natural instinctive thing to hibernate. To make lists, have goals. To be inward looking. But I succumb to it, too. I took my daughter ice skating yesterday. Inwardly, I was grumping, but the daylight did me good.
Someone advised me to go to a - plant place, what are they called...? Where it is glass and heated like its tropical??? Makes you feel like summer. Anyways, the days are getting slightly longer, which is so great!
Zed, yes, that point of decision! And, how to say this, the spirit world, which I am a firm believer. Last night, about other issues, I thought Why not ask for divine help? It always works, unless what you want is really dumb. I am getting more in tune with that. The owner of the health club I just joined, she is like a Godsend!! Not that I talk to her a lot, but - well, you know. I came in because of a mushy tummy, but the benefits of exercise and being around positive energy are more than that! Things happen just in time.
OMG!!! It is late! Have to wake up the kids for school!
Bye all!

Kid Shelleen
January 12th, 2009, 11:32 AM
A big greenhouse...

A "conservatory"...
That sounds good. Sunshine and plants, all in the dead of winter!

January 12th, 2009, 11:39 AM
Thought I would vreep back on to the mods site as I had intended doing 30days ..but you ahve guessed it I weakened (almost in a planned manner)..i did 5 days but was on holiday with family In Ireland.
Temptations temptations..so I decided to drink in moderation.

I didnt drink at the party until 10pm and then ahd 2 glasses of wine only and stopped .
night 2... 2 drinks and went home.

Now the plan for the rest ot the weekdays this week is no drinking alcohol..it would be nice to be a moderate drinker but I,m sure it will creep up again.

I,m not ready to make the big leap into 30days as yet..so for now its moderation this week

i have just fot home from holiday and coulnt wait to get back on here..I,m just glad ~i didnt drink a too much on holiday and do anything i woulfd be embarrassed about.

So heres hoping for more sober nights this week..good Luck to you all.


January 12th, 2009, 12:22 PM
Hey Cassy! Nice to see you.

Kid, thank you so much for all your insight and ideas. I feel better already! Truly, having had someone take the time to type all that out for me...It was just what I needed. I am going to think grateful thoughts today, and do as you suggested when I wake up tomorrow. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

And Lila, thanks for your understanding. A conservatory sounds like a great idea! I'm so glad you are pleased with your gym and have met someone inspiring. You're right, it's about a lot more than tight abs.!

I spent the morning shopping, with a plan of using a gift card my MIL gave me for xmas....I was in search of bathrobes and slippers for the boys. Shopping is not the right activity for a day when I feel prone to depression. I couldn't decide on anything, and felt constricted by having to shop at the gift card stores...Decided I'd treat myself to something, but didn't feel like trying anything on, and didn't like anything I saw. waaa, waaa, waaa :upset: Poor me. I should have stayed home and read Kid's post! Ah well. The rest of the day looks brighter now. I'm going in to my office soon to see one client, then get to go pick up my beautiful boys. I look forward to their hugs and to chatting with them about the details of their days. You're right Kid, gratitude is so important. Thank God my kids are healthy and well. Thank God I'm not sharing the custody of them with an ex, and having to be without them because it's "his night". Thank God I can bring them home to a warm, cozy house, and offer them homemade banana bread. We're pinching pennies, but we're hardly starving, so thank God for that, too.

Off to dress for success. See you all later. Sara

January 12th, 2009, 03:02 PM
hey squad....Popping in to say hello....busy busy busy....meetingsall day at work to discuss lay-offs....mid-terms and projects are this week and 1/2 of next...t's freezing outside....gotta go food shooping on the way home...and hubby and babygirl are sick with bad colds.....

SARA- Glad your feeling better..the winter blues really do suck!

KID- Great ideas. I know I'll use them

CASSY-good job modding.

'ZED-You really, really sound wonderful!

January 12th, 2009, 05:39 PM
hi all just a quick check in from me as its late and i need to sleep zzzzzzz had a wonderful weekend, massage, spa, shopping, excellent food and brilliant company. just the tonic for forging ahead towards spring. Kid i relished your positive post because i appreciate my health so much that every morning when i wake i count my blessings one by one. my brain works, my eyes see, my ears hear, my heart beats, my mouth speaks and kisses the ones i love, i know it all sounds a bit cheesy but when you work in a school like mine were children are severely disabled to the extent they are tube fed and cant ever enjoy the feeling of tasty chips(fries) cant see their friends or family, cant hear the rain on the window and some cant walk, play or swim then you know how truly blessed you are. sorry to mention this but sometimes i think us with addictive tendencies can be a tad self obsessed and we need to wake up thinking about others sometimes?? this is not a lecture modders just my reality. The mind, body and soul is such a fragile thing, have gratitude for every bit of your body that works well, respect and cherish it, why do we abuse something that others would simply die for. The pleasure in enjoying a healthy meal ot taking part in an enjoyable pexercise should never ever be taken for granted. look after yourselves squadders, much love - keeps xx ( ps: can you tell im just back from a soul searching weekend!!)

January 12th, 2009, 05:47 PM
no, Keeps, I loved your post! Yes, a tad obsessed! I have everything - can't even imagine not, and if I have less than everything I want, I sure don't like it. Thanks for making me think a bit...do you like your work?

January 12th, 2009, 05:48 PM
hi all modders, welcome, Cassy! Hi to Jamms (layoffs, huh, that's sad!) and Kid.

January 12th, 2009, 05:59 PM
yes i do lila but i have only been there since september 2008 so am adjusting every day. When i went to the christmas perforamnces i struggled so much as it was so emotional for me watching how proud their parents were with such little achievements like a wheelchair dance or singing in the choir. the down syndrome children reduce me to a pulp as they appreciate EVERY single second of the attention you give them, there are over 100 pupils and gradually i am getting to feel comfortable around them instead of a frozen statue. i am not a teacher i am an adviser so its all a bit foreign but so so rewarding, a job with real purpose! have you thought any more about working in a school, it is v rewarding?

January 12th, 2009, 07:30 PM
Hi guys,

just have a minute before rushing off into the cold for a meeting and the rest of today...

Kid, THANKS SO MUCH for your truly inspiring post, filled as it was with So much wisdom. I will re-read it again later, especially that first part about Gratitude and being positive at the beginning of every day... that rang true in so many ways for me, and I need to work on that myself. Cheers mate.

Also I agree with you that Sara dear needs to stop feeling guilty and enjoy her glass. Otherwise it's too much of a burden, you know...

Deebee (the vanished Deebs) :( used to write every day about 1 thing she was grateful for that day... along with Sunbeam. That was so nice and brought out so much positive energy in our thread. Maybe we can do that every so often, whenever we remember to.

Lila, KW, Sara, and you folks who've stopped by to check up on us and let us know how you're doing - and the rest of you out there - HAVE A GREAT TUESDAY.

Sara, that's funny about your husband drinking Macallan before and now he's moved to Dewars. Ha ha. That made me laugh. But you know what, a well-poured glass of Dewars on the rocks with some soda is a damn good evening drink. Might not be a single malt, but those well-made blendeds have their own appealing points, when dealt with in moderation.

Here's to being GRATEFUL for all we have!!

Much love. Zed

January 12th, 2009, 08:27 PM
So My Friends.
Depression has crashed in on me like a tidal wave today, and I don't know why. I am feeling unbearably distant from my husband, and am forcing myself to smile at my dear little boys. I won't carry on about it, but please send hugs my way, and perhaps I'll be better tomorrow. Sara

January 12th, 2009, 08:27 PM
Hi Everyone,
I still am grateful, for every AF day and those occasions when I share a refreshing beverage. I am especially grateful for every Sunday afternoon, which I used to waste by drinking way too much.

Cassy, welcome!

Not too much to share - a busy day at work, a quick snowshoe walk with a friend, a meeting at church, and reading a good book by the gas fireplace. Current book is Pillars of the Earth by Ken Fowlett. He thinks it is his best work.

Lila, conservatories are nice bu not all that common. Some large garden centers have greenhouses attached, that remain open all winter. They are not busy, and don't mind at all if you walk through just th breathe the cool moist air. I love the smell of plants and good garden dirt. Hydroponic greenhouses are also becoming more common, which grow salad greens all winter. Call your local cooperative extension office to find out where these are located.

I hope you all are staying warm. This area will be entering the deep freeze for a few days, starting tomorrow night. Bundle up!

take care

January 12th, 2009, 08:40 PM
Happy Monday dear Modders,

Dear Sara, I hope your depression doesn't last long. We New Englanders pride ourselves in our heartiness over these long winter months, but I know it can bring out the worst in us. I was just thinking today that it's only the 12th of January, and already I'm tired of winter. May have something more interesting weather-wise in a month or so, but who's counting? . . . and Zed!!! You sound so, well, terrific my friend. You've got life in balance and know when to party and when to be subdued. I'm taking a page out of your book - know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. Sun, you sound totally solid and sure-footed in your approach to drinking/life and Lila, this is the challenge time of year for you (see earlier comments re: my time this winter). Hang on there my young friend - it's all worth it in the end!

Has anyone heard from Peri or Deebs?? Where are our friends? If they need us, will we know? Kid, thanks so much for being a leader on this thread. We all (especially me) need a leader from time to time. I've got my Jesus class tomorrow night, so it may not be until Weds. that I check in.


Delta Moon
January 13th, 2009, 12:05 AM
Well I am popping by to say hi and see how you all are. Definately going thru some difficult times in my life now but am staying AF- sticking to my 14 day commitment. 4 more to go then I will re-evaluate and see if AL will fit in at all. I know that I would not be dealingwell with all this icky stuff if I was drinking. Thank God for MWO!
Miss you all- I will keep lurking about and checking in.

January 13th, 2009, 12:57 AM
St. John & to those who have difficult times with depression issues - sending positive thoughts your way.
Kid-what you said was great and we need to continue mentioning what we're grateful for (Sunbeam started us on that course) and it does help. I'm grateful for a loving family and a dear friend that is my bff!
With alcohol being a depressant I think one needs to always look at that issue. It certainly can be a cause of the blues. The weather also for those of you in dreary, cold climates. I'm originally from the cold midwest and I think I really got the blues over the weather like some are affected so I can totally relate.
Take care my friends. I love to read positive books when I'm feeling blue or try to help others in some way to take my mind off of my troubles.
Hope everyone hangs tough.
St. John: A special message for you my friend:
Pouvoir Dieu vous donne la paix d'esprit
xxoo Eve11

January 13th, 2009, 01:27 AM
Hello all you wonderful peeps!

Yes I have been AWOL and I'm sorry if you were concerned but I'm here and in great shape!!
My computer got hit by lightening AGAIN so I am waiting for insurance to pay out and I should be getting a new one sometime today so in the meantime my connection is a bit erratic. I have also been staying away from the boards as I felt I needed a bit of a break -- a holiday from MWO as it is very addictive and I find myself on here for hours at a time.

I have been having a wonderful time just relaxing, working in the garden, going to the beach to top up the tan and catching up on some reading.
Life is good!!

Off to catch up on everyone's news -- hope you are all well??

Kid Shelleen
January 13th, 2009, 05:49 AM
Welcome back DeeBee!

Welcome back! There certainly was concern for you on various parts of the site. You know how we like to keep our little family safe and together ;). I do totally understand your feeling of "addiction" or spending so much time with MWO online, though. Controlling our drinking was supposed to free up MORE hours in the day for us!
Well, stick around long enough to say "Hi" to your friends today. Your presence was sorely missed.

PS: I'm going to be DeeBee on my next holiday!
DeeBee said:
"I have been having a wonderful time just relaxing, working in the garden, going to the beach to top up the tan and catching up on some reading...Life is good! "

January 13th, 2009, 06:24 AM
Yay, Deebs is alive and well!

I also spend too much time here. I think my postings will fall off on their own when the right time arrives.

January 13th, 2009, 07:23 AM
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin' for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothin' but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Or let's hope so anyway! I feel better today! :) And no, Kid, it's not rapid-cycling bipolar disorder...So don't even go there!:H

All together now...It's gonna be a bright, bright, bright sun-shiny day...

January 13th, 2009, 09:38 AM
Can anyone tell me how to do a link? I want to share something from You tube. Sara

January 13th, 2009, 09:50 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtiXiYMS86U[/video]]YouTube - I Can See Clearly Now (http://[video=youtube_share;XtiXiYMS86U)

Thanks, One2...I think I did it!

January 13th, 2009, 10:05 AM
Great to see you DeeBee...and you sound wonderful. Yes, I am now a MWO addict too. The kids have been in school for 1 1/2 hours, and I've done nothing but read and post. I need it today, though...Keeping my spirits up. Off to clean the house a bit, now.

January 13th, 2009, 10:16 AM
Deebs! Nice to see you back! I do know what you mean. Still, MWO was here when I was in a real quandary about what was becoming a habit that was scaring me a bit...on the whole, I think this site has helped me a lot.
Sunbeam, I know what you mean, when the right time comes, then there it is.
Sara, the days are getting longer. I can't wait to be outside a lot, ride my bike, go to the pool, maybe start a garden...
Have to cut this short, 'phone is ringing! check back later!

January 13th, 2009, 11:42 AM

This morning I am grateful for the sharing on these boards. This thread especially -- the contentment, the honesty, the gratitude expressed.

My daughter, age 18, is staying w/ me now. She bounces between me and Dad. She graduated high school young so is taking a year to work before college. I love spoiling her -- making her coffee in a.m., doing her laundry, etc. Sometimes she even thanks me but I do it for my own enjoyment. Our relationship has evolved as she grows into a fascinating young woman and I grow into a post-divorce sane person. Ironically, I get more out of viewing Sara's parenting thread than I do the divorce thread, though it's nice to know threads both are there. I am so grateful I savored the parenting experience as my two grew and a little peek at that thread puts me right back there.

Kept busy yesterday, and drink units down to 7 -- only about 1 per hour. I want to get used to being at 4 or 5 a day til my Nalrexone gets here. I was around that amount for years and just suddenly shot up in the last couple of months, for no particular reason. So when I begin Sinclair, "drinking as usual" will be four not ten or more.

Zed, there was a day when I was content to sip a single malt. And the NZ sauvignon blancs are one reason I hope to learn moderation. Oh, and the only Riesling in the world I would ever drink, from a little Australian winery called Two Hands. The Riesling is called The Wolf. Bone dry, not a hint of sweetness, with a wonderful mineral finish.

(Sigh) I'm off to check the mail.

January 13th, 2009, 12:05 PM
hi again, Modders
Lena, yes, isn't it nice just to love a teenage daughter? They are so fun! I just got highlights, and my daughter approves. My mom wasn't that much of a mom, I was on my own pretty much, so maybe this sounds a bit odd, but it is nice when people just enjoy each other...esp fun during a divorce, when you need that nice girl energy...
Things to be grateful for...I feel like I am slowly going back to that intuitive place where sometimes the course I am supposed to take just is there before me.
Things I am not so grateful for...it is below zero here and I hate that!!!!!

January 13th, 2009, 12:08 PM
Lena, yes, sigh... indeed... we all 'get' that sigh... :) Cheers to you and so happy to see you back here with us.

Sara, I was worried about you but then I saw your new posts and I am happy to see you are holding your own and being a champ... good for you. Rock on... we're watching and being inspired by you.

Sun... keep praying for us. Thank you.

Kid, you are the man.

Eve. French. I deciphered a bit of that, but not all of it. I could take a guess... I studied French for 5 years... but I'd rather you just tell us what that was... God, thank you for Eve.

Lila... cheers girlfriend.

DEEBS. My dear, dear, dear Deebers. My sister from another mother. I missed you so much. I seems longer than it's been. But I was worried about you. Anyway I am glad to know that you were taking a well-deserved break... that's good. So long as you have been well... that's all I was concerned about. You are well, and we are all grateful.

Ok folks. It's late, late. What a long day I have had. Time for bed. Tomorrow is another day..

Good night, good day,

Had a single malt as a night cap tonight over some meaningful conversation with a friend...
Oh yes, also two Mojitos earlier this evening at the pub after work. My boss paid, how could I say no? Anyway, there is no time for guilt, I feel fine, and tomorrow is another day and I will be better, better... better still.

I will be better still tomorrow.


Delta Moon
January 13th, 2009, 06:41 PM
Hi all -day 11 for me and holding the line! I really think that the cds have helped take away all thought of AL. Spending lots of time at the gym and mega supps a good recipe for an AF life.

Eve my dear friend -je sais, je sais, je sais y merci pour votre mots. :l

Dee Bee so good to hear from you- I miss you.

If any of you have missed it the tool box thread is a wonderful source of help and inspiration.

Make it a great night!

January 13th, 2009, 07:21 PM
zed;518805 wrote: Eve. French. I deciphered a bit of that, but not all of it. I could take a guess... I studied French for 5 years... but I'd rather you just tell us what that was...I wished St. John for the peace of God to be with her and she thanked me for my kind words. I like her little signature she's ending with lately which means "Let the good times roll".
Peace to all of my mod squad buddies.

Things are going well for me. Last night I decided to have 1 glass of red wine at the end of a very busy day. Just wanted to relax and unwind and savor 1 glass very slowly which I did. I have to admit that there was a little number going on in my head of "Oh, wouldn't a second one be nice?" But I decided not to and am so glad I did. Enjoying and stopping at just one is a big challenge for me but finding that I am really able to do it here and there.

It's kind of funny how the modding thing changes. When I was having trouble with my drinking and not moderating I remember hubby telling me I should have no more than 3 with what he witnessed me tolerating well and I thought 3 was limited!!

As time has gone on now 3 is over the course of a long party and I'm modding well at 2.
So to have just 1 is amazing to me but I always like how much better I feel the next day with not too many days of drinking and really limiting the drinks.
BTW-did feel like *#&! the day after the birthday party (not mine) when I had had a total of 5. Don't want to do that again! Ughh!
Take care all.

January 13th, 2009, 08:10 PM
I will check it out, thanks St John.
Eve, I am glad to hear you are doing well.

January 13th, 2009, 08:30 PM
Hi Everybody,
It is late for me to post. I'm tired and the words don't flow as well. But it sounds like all is well in mods world.

Zed, you sound wonderful. So much more balanced than before the holidays.

Kid, thanks for the inspiring post yesterday. We are all here to inspire each other.

I started a creative crafts thread under General Discussion. I would enjoy helping others find their way to constructive outlets to replace drinking. I think you all know that gardening is my true passion, but creative projects are a lot of fun and very satisfying in the cold months.

take care, all

January 13th, 2009, 09:58 PM
Hello all,

Just a quick note before bedtime. Had my Jesus class tonight (actually this semester we're studying the book of Esther, well known to all our Jewish friends) so it'll be interesting. Eve, you sound fabulous. Still challenging yourself to be the best you can be, but from a very solid place. You're definitely an inspiration. And WELCOME BACK Miss Deebers. You are still the life of this party, and we've missed your sharp wit. Glad to hear all is good. I totally get the need to rest from even the goodness that is MWO - I used to spend a couple of hours a day going through a wide variety of threads, but now just have time for this one. There is a life to lead out there . . .

And to our manly men Zed and Kid - "we need you, like the flowers need the rain, you know we need you . . ." Was just caught up with the music if you know what I mean. Hope everyone has a great day tomorrow.


Kid Shelleen
January 13th, 2009, 10:03 PM
The Day is Done...

Good Evening, Modders,
Just got in after taking Cat out for "date night". We've taken up "swing dancing". Tuesday nights we go to a little place to split a sandwich, drink a beer, take a dance lesson, and then practice what little we are retaining. Tonight was the best night. I feel like I can almost dance!!
Sunbeam, you sound fine; relaxed...I saw your thread on creative crafts. I just don't feel like I have much to add, but I'll be watching when gardening season gets here. This is the year!!
Eve, thanks for the French lesson. My wife knows a little so I had her translate for me earlier. We also follow a Cajun-type band that is always letting those "bon temps roulez"! Also WTG on stopping at one wine. I'm a believer in the power of ONE.And it gets easier.
St J: How amazing! Now, are you doing AF permanently, or going back to moderation after the dry spell? It seems like you could just keep going...
Zed will be getting up soon, I guess...What a small world we have now.
Everyone else, I hope your day was all it could be.
My daughter has my "Sleepy Time" tea brewing and the day is drawing to a close.
My best to you all,

Delta Moon
January 13th, 2009, 11:36 PM
Hey, Kid to answer your q, I am really enjoying cleaning up the system right now and tearing down the old habits but I can't see my life totally without AL. I would miss the celebratory glass of champagne or a good red with a filet at a special dinner. Just need to get myself real clean and then take a look at that. You all sound great!
Bon Nuit...Good night will check in tomorrow.

January 14th, 2009, 03:38 AM
Sheeez guys there is so much to catch up on!!

Welcome Lenaleed to the Mod Squad -- this is a great thread and you will get support and encouragement from us. Let us know how we can help, k.

Well, I am still on a go-slow. Nothing too exciting happening in my little world -- OH HANG ON,..... I nearly forgot to tell my VERY Important news.....

As of today, i took my first Zyban tablet and in two weeks time my quit date is set (eeeeeeeeck!!) I am super excited and nervous at the same time. I have been smoking for longer than I have been drinking so this is one addiction which I have held onto with all my might. The time is right, i have my head in the right place and I WILL DO IT!!

St J, going back to earlier posts I read that you are going through a tough time -- my thoughts are with you friend, hang in there.

Hi to everyone else, sorry I don't have more to add but I am thinking of all of you;-)

Kid Shelleen
January 14th, 2009, 08:03 AM
Morning has broken..

(Won't have time for a long one so I took this from a note I sent to a friend to let you know how MY day starts..)
What a difference eleven minutes can make! I made the "listen to one last song " mistake, delaying my exit from the cozy covers then had to pick up the pace a little in the kitchen, so of course the grits boil over in the micorwave causing a little tidal wave of goo and water to pour down onto the counter and onto the floor. Oh well, that's what doggies are for (sigh)...Managed to keep a positive attitude even as NPR delivers the news that the sky is falling. I got HHGs breakfast together; grits and cheese,a meat w/cheese muffin, a pop-tart,a glass of milk and bluberries with whipped cream...and she still looked hungry! Being smart must burn alot of calories!
I packed Cat's lunch since she works today..Then I did the morning dishes,grabbed some coffee,kissed everyone "Goodbye" and now I kick back in the recliner! A little "me" time before what ever is next.
Had 2 drinks last evening, as it was "date night" and feel good today.
The Mod life is the good life.
Wishing my friends joy...

January 14th, 2009, 08:46 AM
hi Modders
good morning!
Zed, you sound great! I kinda envy your life of being an international traveler, and going out to restaurants...so glam! The most glamorous thing I do these days is take my daughter to the mall...so I will be with you there 'in spirit'.
Kid, children are incredibly active! More than one realizes...
St John, I know what you mean,,,I would not want to never drink again. Hey, SJ, I am curious, are you a Tony DeMillo fan?
Vera, I love hearing about your classes! Good to be going somewhere and for your own self. My health club is going to have Yoga classes! I am so excited! This new workout place I am going to is like one-stop shopping!
Sunbeam, me and my kids love crafts, I will take a look at that thread.
Eve, yes, five - yuck! I was at a party and the drinks were so yummy I accidentally had like 4 I think. But I didn't need that many at all. That's what I was thinking later on.
Deebs, that is a BIG deal, quitting smokes! I do love that New Year's energy. We are here to give you any support you need, and I am so happy you are back!
gotta go shower now before I wake the kids!
love Lila

January 14th, 2009, 09:33 AM
the journey phase 2

My naltrexone arrived yesterday. I will post in detail on the Sinclair thread about the gory details for those who are curious. Bottom line: I spent a lethargic evening sipping a vodka/sparkling water. Went to bed early and slept pretty well. Up early and ready to go. My first day in years on

Kid Shelleen
January 14th, 2009, 09:42 AM
Sinclair Mthod...

One can hope...Good Luck, Lena.
We're cheering for ya!

lenaleed;519585 wrote: ... I have a sort of calm, intuitive sense that, one way or another, that changed yesterday.

Take care all, Lena

January 14th, 2009, 11:09 AM
Hey Modders,
Good to hear from everyone. Lenaleed, I'm so happy for you that you're taking this step.

I was AF last night...Tuesdays are easy since I work. I have a feeling tonight won't be a problem either. I'm having these weird dizzy spells...(They're called "brain zaps" of all things...Reminds me of "Joe Verus the Volcano", when Tom Hanks gets a phony diagnosis of "Brain cloud", which persuades him to jump into the volcano as a human sacrifice)... But I digress. Anyway, "brain zaps" are these weird little electric shock feelings in your head...Comes from withdrawing from SSRI anti-depressants. It makes me feel tired and a little loopy, so alcohol does notappeal. I think I'll post a thread about SSRI withdrawal syndrome, and see if anyone else knows more. And yes, I guess I should call my doc, or start looking for a new one.

Otherwise, I'm okay. Not exactly dancing around the house singing "I Can See Clearly Now", but not depressed, either. Best to all. Sara

January 14th, 2009, 11:53 AM
Hey, Lena, keep letting us know how it is going, and good for you!
Sara, I went off Zoloft last spring. I was at 50mg. I tapered, I thought. I went a week or so on 25mg. But I still got brain shivers. It was not fun. I think it went on for about a week and a half. I then went to high quality St Johns Wort - did we talk about this? - now I am off of it, and I will see how that goes.

January 14th, 2009, 11:56 AM
Thanks Lila,
I can deal with it if it's only a week and a half...Thank you for posting that! Did the St. John's Wort help? If so, why did you go off of it?

January 14th, 2009, 12:03 PM
Because I am working out now. Also, I order from Vitacost, and to make it worth it I would need to order a few bottles and don't want another charge on my Visa right now. And I feel okay now...I think!
It did help a lot. I was taking it mostly for anxiety this time around. My ex is making all our divorce issues very difficult...well, things are not over yet, but maybe I just am getting used to it. And feeling more confident.

January 14th, 2009, 04:45 PM
Hi Everybody,
Sara, thanks for the tune. I'm listening to it now as I type. What a difference a day can make, or a song. Brain shivers do not sound liken much fun.

Lena, that internal change is an important milestone. It will enable your success. You can feel it, and so can we.

Zed, everybody here is always in my prayers. What a special group.

Lila, here's a seasonal kids craft: use a calendar photo to make an envelope: fold in the sides 1" or so, fold up the bottom 1/3, fold down the top 1/3, then cut it at angles like an envelope flap. The kids write a thank you letter to Santa for the gifts. Put it in the envelope, burn it in the fireplace, and the smoke will take it to Santa!

The deep freeze temps are on our doorstep, but there is no wind today, so I was able to again go out on my snowshoes in the fields. I saw a red fox two days ago, and always many deer. Too bad these big beautiful creatures are so disease-ridden and destructive. People around here call them rats with hooves. The great news is, I think the snowshoes exercise is helping me walk better. I have neruological and orthopedic problems which make walking more difficult, but I think the softness of the snow with the weight of the shoe are combining in a helpful manner. My shoes have built-in springs (Spira brand) and this helps too. I have been through months of physical therapy without too much improvement, but the this seems to be working. Yay!

take care, all

Delta Moon
January 14th, 2009, 06:13 PM
Hello modders!
Lila- who is Tony DeMillo? Never heard of him(?) but maybe I should check it out!
DeeBee- Thanks for the kind words. Thank God I'm not drinking right now.
Eve- you're a doll as always. Vrai vrai mignon.
I love you all -can't spend anymore time here today- off and running again..........

January 14th, 2009, 07:16 PM
Hi all,
Just came to say "hi!" Hope everyone is doing well. I kind of left abruptly and I feel bad. I'd posted about myself getting into "a mess" again. I was getting into some of the same patterns that had gotten me so deeply depressed before. So I made a commitment to myself (I see some of you are making pacts with each other and that's a super support system) to go AF. I'm on day 12 and things have been looking brighter for me. I still have these fights/struggles but I'm going to do this. I've been posting up in the general section in hopes that I can regain some confidence in myself and learn ODAT.

Hope you all are doing well. From the posts, I see you are. Keep up the good work!

Delta Moon
January 14th, 2009, 08:18 PM
Hey j-vo I too am on day 12! Keep strong, my friend and I will say a prayer for you.

January 15th, 2009, 02:44 AM
Hi mod friends,
St. John started a thread on the general discussion board entitled "L-glut just saved me". Thread is about how L-glut helped St. John one night with extreme cravings and she was wondering if anyone else had had the same experience. I responded to that post tonight but because some of you only stick to this board or may not see that one I cut and paste my response as I thought it was crucial for modders to hear as well. So here it is. Good night to all and talk to you tomorrow.
Big hugs,

MWO buddies,
Well, I got my L-Glut experience tonight! FIL is bi-polar, visiting our state and just hasn't been doing well.
Hubby and I laid down the law and told MIL and BIL that we were taking him to ER. He lives in a ho-dunk town and MIL wants to rely on those kind hearted docs but they don't have the experience of big city docs and everything is W-A-Y messed up. So, long day at work - busy night with the kids - and then the "planned" trip to ER. Planned is more difficult (believe me) because with a huge emergency you're glad to be there even if you're waiting 5 hours! But planning to do it?? Another story. However as we had learned the only way to get him in to a psych facility was though ER first.

Well, needless to say, hubby suggested drinks for us after FIL had the ER experience and was admitted.
Had 1 - food took longer than expected so had 2 to enjoy the flavor of the food with the fine wine. Came home...had a HUGE craving for another...knew I had an open bottle in the fridge from last week's party so I popped some L-Glut and low and behold it took the craving away!

Got busy doing dishes, etc. and was it spiritual or what but I then saw a non-opened tea bag on the floor (chamomile tea) so made some tea, came here and am going to bed.

So, Kid from the mod board - I can say two and I'm through!

Thanks to L-Glut? Guardian angel Eve? Co-incidence? or just the blessed luck of a good husband and a BFF? Don't know but thankful I won't have a hangover tomorrow.

Big Hugs,

Kid Shelleen
January 15th, 2009, 07:56 AM
A Winter's Day....

Good Morning, Modders!
Cold, snowy and breezy here in River City..."Invigorating" walk this morning, to say the least.
Glad the evening came together,Eve. "Two and I'm through" is a good mantra. Sara invented it when she decided my,"One and I'm done" didn't quite do it for her! I'll have to look into the L-Glut for emergencies. Sounds like some are getting good results with it.
Got the girls off to school and work and I'm helping Ed out for a few hours; but I don't really have much to say this morning ("for a change",yeah, I HEAR ya...) so I'm going to go get my third cuppa java and see what the day holds in store.
Stay moderated.

January 15th, 2009, 09:19 AM
:thumbs: Eve, that's great! I think it's fantastic that L-Glut is helping people, but I also think it's fantastic that you had the presence of mind, the willpower, the rational thinking it took, to take the L-Glut instead of just pouring yourself a glass of wine! Well done, girlfriend!

My brain is less zappy today, so far. I read up on this phenomenon and fish oil came up as a remedy. I had some, so I took it yesterday and this morning, and so far so good.

Off to get ready for work now. Be well everyone! Sara

January 15th, 2009, 09:34 AM
Fish oil?? Had I only known! It never occurred to me that anything would help at the time for withdrawal.

January 15th, 2009, 09:45 AM
phase 2 day 2

Phase 1 was preparing and searching . . . I found these boards. Phase 2 is doing. I tried a 1/4 dose of Naltrexone last night and thankfully no nasty side effects this time. Per Sinclair method, dutifully sipped two drinks through the evening. Two glasses of sparkling water with one carefully measured "unit" in each. Another day, another miracle.

A special day yesterday. My daughter, eighteen, is off to Washington D.C. for the Inauguration, a ball and many parties. I played personal shopper while she was at work, picked up two gorgeous dresses and brought them to her hir salon so her stylist could help choose. The whole salon gathered round and oohed and aahed.

My kids are a big motivation for me. I want to be the person they think I am. We've had brutal ups and down in recent years as the marriage finished crumbling and the divorce wars ensued. I'm done but their Dad wants to keep it up forever. They see it. They feel safe with me because I don't need or ask for their protection. They can tell crazy Dad stories, trusting that I am not collecting ammunition as I listen. We enjoy being around one another. They can chatter away about their lives knowing I will not (try not to) judge or give advice. When they ask for help or advice, they know I will not (try not to) overstep my bounds.

Two whole days . . . no going back.

January 15th, 2009, 12:29 PM
Hi friends,

boy, I've just had 2 very busy days. No time, non-stop from waking up to late at night, at which time I've managed to fall asleep from sheer exhaustion. Most of it comes from work going a bit bonkers, and the rest from trying to remember to do the things I need to do to keep... the rest of my life... going... ha.

Things are particularly hectic, as mid-next week China goes into a week to 10-day long New Year holiday period. EVERYONE goes home. The place closes down. Literally. For a week or so. So, it's a mad rush to get all these things done.


Yes Lila I do have a unique sort of life. It's not better than anyone else's life, it's just different. Ok, I'll be sure to take you in spirit, to all the restaurants I go to.

Tomorrow for lunch I will go to a Taiwanese restaurant. Care for some dumplings? I'm craving for a plate of fried rice. Some dried beef or something, plus a bunch of greens. Steamed spinach and cucumbers. I'll have an extra bite for ya.

Ok, so it's late here. Have trouble getting to sleep these days, even though the days are non-stop and by the end of them I am absolutely exhausted... guess I'm still used to pouring a few drinks down my gullet to get to bed at a decent hour.

Been AF since that nightcap and mojito night. It's nice. Will be AF tomorrow also, and then on Saturday I have a night out with some friends, so that will not be AF... But I'm going to make damn sure it's MOD. Sunday needs to be a beautiful, calm, clear day.

Cheers you all.

DEEBs. good luck with quitting the cigs. Hope you make it out of that. I used to smoke too. Pack a day for 4 years. Then tapered off and finally quit. This was thankfully, a few years ago. Thank the stars for that. One habit I did NOT need.

Sun. Thank you for your nice words. I feel wonderful. :)

Kid, you are sounding very good man. Very centered and relaxed these days. So great to hear/ feel/ see. Your calm center. I have a feeling, that when you are at your best, your lovely family and the people you know, are some of the luckiest people around anywhere. Your kindness and cool wisdom shines through.

VERA - Good for you, and I take inspiration from your Faith. Please say a small prayer for me when you can, I will be grateful for your kind energy and your good thoughts to the Almighty.

Eve, St. J, Lena, Sara...

Good night to you my dear friends, to all of you.

January 15th, 2009, 01:46 PM
Lena, I am so glad for you! How many mgs of Naltrexine are you on? You know, our situations sound so much alike...
Zed, I used to travel a lot as a youngster! :)

January 15th, 2009, 05:28 PM
Hey Squad,
All's quiet on the moderate front, eh?

Just checking in, but I want to spend some time with my good book before I go out again for a meeting.

St. John, I agreed to this two-week pact, which I think included you. Would it help you to continue, or am I off the hook? I have no plans this weekend to consume any alcohol, so it doesn't matter much to me. But I would be happy to help you if you like.

Kid Shelleen
January 15th, 2009, 06:05 PM
End of Days...

Running out of white canes and seeing eye dogs...
How are we doing???

P.A.C.T (Promissary Alcohol Controlling Tool)

Cross my heart,and hope to die; Stick a needle in my eye.."
*Phrase uttered by children after making a promise to indicate the depth of their sincerity: the speaker is so committed to the action just agreed to that they offer self-inflicted pain and a death wish as proof of their seriousness.
(Must be accompanied by a gesture of drawing a imaginary "X" across the speaker's own heart, or else it doesn't count.)

*JAMMS: It's Thursday Jan. 15th(How did ya do??)
*Zed: The month of January!!(Zed says:"er..never mind")
*St J, and Sunbeam: 2 weeks AF starting Jan 2
.. ( St J is in the "Program" too)
*Kid: Thursday,Friday,saturday
*Eve: Promising TWO DRINKS come Hell or high water!!


Feel free to join in with any ongoing pact
(or start a new one)

Remember:you've :h "crossed your heart" :h

Delta Moon
January 15th, 2009, 07:12 PM
Hey buds!
Sun- I have 2 days left of the 14 day pact. You are off the hook if you want to be! You have been a great friend jumping in with me.
I must say that I may continue as I am feeling SO great physically. Just missing a little zzz's as my drink of choice now when out is iced tea.
Too much caffeine for me! I'm not used to it anymore. Living in Paris I would lose count how many espressos I would have in a day.
There was too much to do and see to sleep anyway!
C'est la vie.........................
Everyone is doing so great and i love checking in. Got to go pick up my karate kid

January 15th, 2009, 07:51 PM
St. John;521101 wrote:
C'est la vie.........................


January 15th, 2009, 07:55 PM
You sound chipper, St John! That's great! I am a bit crabby from all this insane freezing weather, nice to hear the good vibes!

January 15th, 2009, 07:58 PM
St. John;521101 wrote:
C'est la vie
tp:deade89/Cest La Vie photos - Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting (http://s468.photobucket.com/albums/rr48/deade89/Cest%20La%20Vie%20photos/?action=view&current=sternqtr1.jpgs468.photobucket.com/albums/rr48/deade89/Cest%20La%20Vie%20photos/?action=view&current=sternqtr1.jpg)

January 16th, 2009, 03:50 AM
Soooo, i spent the day in the garden yesterday and it was one of those wonderful calm overcast summer days -- perfect for some serious digging, only to realise last night that I am now a TOMATO -- Owwwww is all I can say!!!

J-Vo, it's good to hear from you -- Jolly well done on 12 days AF!!

Sorry I'm so erratic with my posting but I'm still on holiday mode and will catch up properly with everyone when i go back to work next week.

I am thinking of you all!

January 16th, 2009, 04:20 AM
Today I am grateful to have my best friend back in my life.
When I first joined MWO and embarked on my journey I felt that she did not support me and we lost tough for a long time. Recently we got together again and had a wonderful heart to heart about our relationship, my drinking and her drinking. It was an eye opener for me as I didn't realise how hurtful my actions had been -- I was so focused on ME and my goals and I didn't really think about how it was affecting her.
Today, our friendship is stronger, we understand each other ever better and I am blessed to have her in my life:-)

January 16th, 2009, 07:25 AM
hi Deebs
That is great - and it is good you were strong enough to listen to her, and not defend yourself - something I can get into...

Kid Shelleen
January 16th, 2009, 07:36 AM

Greetings Modders,
Blustery cold! Ouch! My forehead was freezing, walking this morning. I had my warm coffee cup with me and held it there for the pain.
DeeBee: Sobriety is almost like rebirth sometimes. We start seeing people, situations and life in a new light. Sometimes it's good; sometimes it's painful; sometimes it's so good that it's painful...
You're making me eager for Spring. I neglected my garden too much last year. Your talk about it is inspiring.
St J: It will be interesting to see what comes next.
Eve: What's with the deleted posts?
Zed:Did you say Mod or AF for the month of January? I might have put you on the PACT list wrong.
It's early here in the Midwest USA. Your talk of food is stirring things up. I guess I'd better get some breakfast so I don't binge and eat something useless later...And thanks; your words are much too kind and generous but certainly describe someone I wish I was.
Lenaleed: Good luck with this. I'd not heard of Sinclair until I came to MWO and certainly never known anyone initiating the system. Thanks for letting us participate.
Well, everyone...It's time to go find some breakfast and throw another log on the fire.
Best of days to you, friends.

January 16th, 2009, 08:11 AM

I am going to savour a couple of glasses of Single Malt this evening. I bought a bottle of a nice Highland 12 year old on my way home today.

About to switch off for the weekend, to read a good book filled with poetry and wisdom, and listen to some music, and also to the silence. I plan to generally stay indoors this weekend, in my warm and cozy home. It is cold outside.

Tomorrow I have to stock up on a few things for the home. Will hit the market. I need a bottle of some good shampoo. And new tube of toothpaste. Down to the last few squeezes.

In the evening tomorrow I meet some friends for dinner and a crawl through some watering holes of Beijing. We start at the one a block away from my apartment, which is nice. Maybe I'll go home after we're done there.

On Sunday for lunch some friends are getting together at a Karaoke bar to sing and drink beer. I might give it a skip. Feel like being alone more than anything. Just enjoying my own company.

Aaahhhh, the bachelor's life. :) There's something to be said for it, for its sheer simplicity.

Take care you lot.


January 16th, 2009, 08:20 AM
Hey Kid! Yeah sorry about that, I did say AF when I'd just gotten back from India, but now a couple of weeks on, I have had a couple of evenings of Moderation, and this weekend will involve more Modding, including tonight. SO... I guess the point is that I am pretty useless at pacting. If you want to keep me in the PACT list, then I guess you'd need to switch me to Modding at this point. I should say though, that for the first 10 days of this month I was AF, and I have been more AF this month than in any month over the last 15 years of my life... except for 1 other. And that's no exaggeration. So by any standards it's been a good month, and the days on which I have not been AF, I have successfully modded. There have been no casualties for Zed in Jan thus far.

Patting myself on the back as I write this. Pat, pat.

January 16th, 2009, 08:21 AM
hey Zed
I have been looking to bring some poetry into my life...what are you reading?

January 16th, 2009, 08:52 AM
Hi Lila,

oh I'm reading a bunch of stuff. A book about the life of Jesus, and one about the life of the Buddha. I keep switching. Also I keep going back to Gao Xingjian's Soul Mountain, which is my favourite book ever. The best book ever written about China. Also some Indian and Persian history books I brought back.

The poetry is devotional, love poetry. There is a famous Indian poet-musician named Kabir. I have a great book of his verses. Kabir lived in the 14th century and was a poor weaver by profession. In India is music is still sung in the villages, and he is considered a great saint.

There is an endless source of spiritual poetry to choose from. If your looking for a good place to start, there is a volume called "Love Poems from God: 12 Sacred Voices from the East and West", edited by Daniel Ladinsky.

Maybe you can keep an eye open for it.


January 16th, 2009, 08:58 AM
Hello St. John - Ice Teas, that's my D-o-C also! I really love an Iced Lemon Tea... always goes down well, and feels healthy too. So that's what I'm going to order if I go out with the kids tomorrow... well, in between real drinks, at least.

Last year this time my drink of choice was Long Island Iced Teas... used to do a few of those nightly, among other things, and not remember anything, needless to say.

I've come a long way. Haven't we all?

January 16th, 2009, 09:09 AM
Hey Little Brother -- you're up late.

Ditto on the iced tea, but my fav is iced green tea:-)

January 16th, 2009, 10:02 AM
Another day of 2 drinks. Well, 2 1/2; I had a glass of wine w/ lunch and it was large. My daughter leaves for D.C. in the morning and last night was our celebration dinner. I had one glass. It was okay but I didn't want more. She doesn't seem to notice one way or the other. Very into her own thing right now to pay much attention to Mom, which is a good thing. And with her traveling for a few days it will be the perfect time for me to be alone. I expected to be crabby w/ this drastic a drop in alcohol but it's actually the opposite. We got into a squabble this morning but it was overdue. Just typical mother/daughter -- she wears all my clothes and throws them on the floor or leaves them at a friend's -- that sort of thing.

Lila -- yes we are kindred souls. I post a lot on the current hot Sinclair/Naltrexone thread on the medications board. I'm at 12.5 mg but must get up to 50 if it is to work properly long term. If I can keep this going I'll feel unstoppable. I was pretty darned beaten down two years ago but I'm on my way back on all fronts. Sounds like you are too.

Delta Moon
January 16th, 2009, 10:21 AM
Good morning my friends :happyheart:

Dee Bee- so good to hear from you! I was gardening yesterday too- more baby lettuces than we can all eat. Tomatoes coming slow. Out here in the desert we are just coming into our big growing season. Reading your post about your best friend made me stop and be so thankful for my BFF and how much God has blessed me with her in my life. I share everything with her and she is like the sister I never had.

zed I will be thinking of you tonight. I am going out with a friend to dinner and my blues club :cool: but I'm on my last day of my 14 day commitment. So I will be a little challenged but I"M GOING TO PULL IT OFF!

Kid you sound so relaxed and happy-keep it up my man!

Lena my oldest daughter just left to go back to colllege and of course it wasn't without a little verbal volleyball. She is very independent and headstrong-I wonder where she got that from :H So- hang in there this too shall pass.

Got to get my little one to school.
Have a fabulous day everyone!

January 16th, 2009, 03:06 PM
Hi Mod Squad,

Wow, long time huh?

Well, a lot has been going on! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I have been staying to my mod plans so no worries there.

After our daughter and her 2 college friends left from their visit things really got rough for me. My workload has about tripled! I am not exagerating. Plus we had some crazy hurricane strength winds here and my internet connection has been intermitent since, so work must come first. As if that all isn't enough I have been really sick with walking pneumonia.

I've thought about all of you often and keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I will eventually get caught up with work, life and the mod squad.

I only have a few minutes today but had to drop by not only to say "hello" but to pass on some news. I heard from a high school classmate yesterday that one of our classmates had just passed away. We all just attended our 30th reunion this past August so a lot of us have reconnected recently. Officially they are saying it was heart related, but this friend told me that he had been drinking heavily since his recent divorce and the real reason for his death was probably AL related. In other words, it sounds like he went home from work and drank himself to death. It's not that I was ever close to him perosnally... it's just that I was perhaps closer to his situation at times than I would like to believe. I read his obituary today and it just kind of hit home. So, thank you MWO and thank you all my friends I have met here. Life is fragile.

I will catch up later. I am starting to feel better the past couple days so maybe this weekend will be better for me. If I don't take care of my health, no one will.

Love you all,
periwinkle :h

Kid Shelleen
January 16th, 2009, 04:31 PM
Here's to the Mod life!

Welcome back Peri,
Long time, indeed! Your friends wonder about you periodically but if you are in touch with any one through PMs, they are not updating us. I'm glad you are well and that the obit was not you. It does feel good to be on a safer track, healthwise, doesn't it? (Of course, if it's your time to go; it's time to go.)

It probably IS a sick thing to do, and I always wondered why some people start doing it, but I read the obits every day. It's uncanny to me how many people or their relatives I have come across.(Cigarettes,obesity,alcohol get you early)
Here's to the Mod life, for as long as we live!

January 16th, 2009, 05:49 PM
Hi Everybody,
Peri! So nice to hear from you. We are all so glad you are doing well, just too busy to post. Busy is a good thing.

I am Friday night tired after wooking all week plus evening meetings. I just had some green tea, which will enable me to stay awake until my minimum bedtime of 8:00. The book is good, the fireplace is warm, and it is CCCOOOOLLLDDD OUTSIDE.

Deebs, I am thinking that the first six months at least after gaining control over alcohol (or going AF) includes many rediscoveries, about outselves, including the basis for friendship. I hope your friend understood that early on, we feel fragile regarding whether our control will last. We gain emotional strength each month that passes.

Take care, all

January 16th, 2009, 07:34 PM
Peri, I'm so glad to see you, too. I'm sorry about your classmate. Life is so fragile, and so precious! Drinking heavily really requires us to be in denial about that.

Lenaleed, congratulations. It sounds like you've really cut back, and that is wonderful. Damage control is a good place to start!

Good to hear from everyone Beautiful new name, "Delta Moon".

I want to share a weird dream I had last night. I dreamt that I got incredibly drunk, and emotional. I was sobbing and staggering and felt hopeless. I called my mom. In the morning (in the dream) I woke up and she was there. She had come in the night, to be with me. But I could just barely remember calling her. I threw my arms around her and thanked her for being there...At which point she said, "you do not have a single comfortable bed in this house. I spent the whole night going from room to room, trying to find a place to sleep. Every bed was terrible, and every room was a mess!" Weird, huh? The dream was packed full of my fears and anxieties... Drinking in an out of control way, getting overwhelmed with pain, reaching out for help to someone who couldn't give it unconditionally, forgetting what I'd done when I was drunk, and then, being criticized about my home, which is so much the heart of who I am.

I shared this with my sister, who thought it was "hysterical". Sad, she said, but hysterical. I guess it is. But I find it more sad than funny. Does anyone else have nightmares about getting drunk?

January 17th, 2009, 12:26 AM

I had a very, very vivid and strange dream last night. I dreamt that I took my partner who is madly in love with me, and worships me, to meet my friends and family and everyone I know at a public setting where everyone was gathered. I told her to wait while I collected another friend (who happened to be this woman I met in Goa, in India, at new years, who I am NOT in love with whatsoever, in any way shape or form), who was arriving, and I guess that other friend was also in love with me, and me with her for some strange reason, and I had to make a decision. She the friend walks in and introduces herself as my partner, to everyone, who are happy to see her, IN FRONT OF MY PARTNER, who is just standing there, waiting to be introduced to everyone I know... and basically she, my real partner, who has been devoted to me and loving me beautifully since I met her and we decided to love each other, is just left standing there, to realize that I have been a two-faced bastard and actually had another partner.

Holy crap. It went on and on, and I can't really remember the rest. But I do remember the deep sadness of hurting her, and her look, of completely destroying her heart.

You know, I have never two-timed anyone I have ever been with... so this is kind of a strange dream with no parallel from my own life-actions... but thinking of it this afternoon as I write this, I realize that I was two-timed in the last relationship I was in. Very badly. The parallels are astonishing. So basically what I am realizing is that I AM my partner in my dream, and that I (in my dream) am my ex, and that my partner is her ex... FAAACK.

Sorry for the language. Couldn't think of anything else to say that would express my thoughts.

Anyway, the look and the feeling that my partner had, when she realized I had been two-timing her, in real-time, in front of everyone, was the look and feeling I had when it happened to me. That look on her face, I understood it so well and it was really the crux of the dream, and now I know why I understood it so well. Because I have felt that myself. That wasn't her, that was me.

It was the most shocking, devastation feeling I have ever felt. I literally, in that moment (It's still so fresh sometimes) felt my heart disintegrate and crumble into a million pieces. I FELT that happen... there was a 20 minute period there, as it happened, as I realized... where I FELT my heart actually break.

That's an awful feeling folks.

Anyway, so much for my dream last night. I had a long sleep, it's lunchtime, I am going to get ready, to go out and buy my shampoo, toothpaste tubes, and a few other odds and ends. Bachelor shopping.


PERI - SOO happy to hear from you. Needless to say I missed you. Take your time, and see you here when you are feeling well again, and ready to spend a little time here with us. Until then just take care of yourself... breathe deeply dear.

DEEBs - aahahhh Deebs.

Ok guys, I am off.


January 17th, 2009, 12:34 AM
Ahh... also I just remembered that the evening on which I learned what I learned... THAT MOMENT... was on the 21st of January... so maybe it's been on my mind a bit, the anniversary of that awful moment, that completely changed my life, and me, coming up in a few days.

Oh brother.

Delta Moon
January 17th, 2009, 03:01 AM
Good morning squad!

St. John is now Delta Moon- and I didn't need to undergo an operation or anything!:H When I came to MWO I chose the name of my patron saint to help and guide me on this journey. Of course I soon realized that most people thought I was a man and treated me as such. So I have decided to just be me-guitar and all!

Well I made it thru the night at the blues club AF and completed my 14 day commitment! The longest I have been sans alcohol outside of lengthy stints during lent and baby carrying. I feel great and now taking a look to see what my next goal will be. A very liberating feeling- a joyful feeling to move ahead in recovery.

Blessings to all!

January 17th, 2009, 06:47 AM
Greetings, Squad
Zed, what an intensely moving dream, and experience. It took me back to the one time my heart was truly broken (not just bruised). It was a long time ago, but I can still evoke the feeling just by remembering. Isn't it a wonderful feeling though when you realize in the morning, "oh, it was just a dream. Thank God!" And you have not broken the heart of your beloved.

Delta Moon, well done! 14 days! You rock. By the way, any observations on what it was like to be "treated like a man"? Could make for an interesting study, huh? The anonymity of the internet could be fertile ground for a sociological study, come to think of it...One could pose as anyone, of any race, creed, religion, sexual orientation, what have you...And see what the responses were like. Not that your experience should be viewed academically...It must have been a bit disturbing not to be correctly identified as female in a setting in which you are sharing who you are in so many trusting ways.

Anyway, off to the grocery store for healthy foods for my little family. Then work. See you all later...I hope it's a great day, or that you sleep well, wherever you all may be. Sara

January 17th, 2009, 08:07 AM
G'morning all,
Delta Moon! You sound great! I always thought you lived on the island of St. John, though there is also a St John's river in Florida that has been mentioned by WIP. So I thought your name was geographic. Never for a moment did I think you were a guy. The guitar is great to reflect your love of music. I am glad to know and that I participated in your two weeks AF. I wasn't sure where you stood with AF time.
It seems to be a strong tradition here at MWO that one should put in an initial 30 days AF. There are many who also seem to believe you can only drink moderately after putting in lots of AF time. I know I did not learn to drink moderately by putting in AF time. I had to put alcohol back in the picture, and find my personal balance for frequency. The amounts took care of themselves once I found my frequency. I just hated that having to force myself to stop after one or two. It took the pleasure out of drinking for me. But by keeping my frequency down, I really don't want more than one or two.

Zed, what a dream. My dreams are always a mix-up of people and places, real and imagined. I can rarely make sense of them. Last night I just slept soundly, no dreams that I can remember.

Forward, to enjoy the day!

Kid Shelleen
January 17th, 2009, 09:40 AM
I agree...

I agree. I do weekly AF time, to cut down on frequency but don't get the 60 day thing, unless it's just to break the chains or prove that you are no longer a slave to alcohol.

Sunbeam;522420 wrote: G'morning all,
Delta Moon! You sound great! I always thought you lived on the island of St. John, though there is also a St John's river in Florida that has been mentioned by WIP. So I thought your name was geographic. Never for a moment did I think you were a guy. The guitar is great to reflect your love of music. I am glad to know and that I participated in your two weeks AF. I wasn't sure where you stood with AF time.
It seems to be a strong tradition here at MWO that one should put in an initial 30 days AF. There are many who also seem to believe you can only drink moderately after putting in lots of AF time. I know I did not learn to drink moderately by putting in AF time. I had to put alcohol back in the picture, and find my personal balance for frequency. The amounts took care of themselves once I found my frequency. I just hated that having to force myself to stop after one or two. It took the pleasure out of drinking for me. But by keeping my frequency down, I really don't want more than one or two.

Zed, what a dream. My dreams are always a mix-up of people and places, real and imagined. I can rarely make sense of them. Last night I just slept soundly, no dreams that I can remember.

Forward, to enjoy the day!

Delta Moon
January 17th, 2009, 12:02 PM
Hmmm... 2 interesting schools of thought on this one. Continue AF to complete 30 days as MWO suggests or trial and error moderation to find a balance in the drinking cycle. How can we learn to effectively moderate if we take AL out of the equation? The thought of the day.......................

January 17th, 2009, 01:20 PM
Just back from morning coffee (tea for me) w/ friends, which used to be a Sat. ritual but I haven't shown up in quite a while. Sara, your dream is a hoot. I friend of mine who was at coffee this a.m. is married to a verbally abusive man. She had to undergo (successful) treatment for cancer a year ago. The day before surgery, her mother was going to stay overnite at their home to be with their teenage daughter. The daughter sweetly decided to stay with her mom at the hospital overnight. My friend's mom got herself in a snit. "Doy KNOW how long it's been since I've had the chance to spend much time with this girl?" Years ago, when I first brought my ex to meet the family at Christmas, one gift from my mother was a white ski turtleneck. "That's to replace the dingy one you wore here," she pronounced. When I was in college, I was in the hospital with an eye injury. Mom sent me a beautiful card, with a letter enclosed. The nurse had to read me the letter. It was a stern lecture on not having health insurance. The nurse, recognizing Everymom, started laughing and so did I and we couldn't stop. I have tried, I believe with success ,to break the Everymom cycle of the withholding, conditionally-loving, judgmental, envious(?) way too many moms have with daughters. But I have to be vigilant.

Lila, when I was in the early throes of separation, I had a recurring dream in which some faceless people restrained my husband while I screamed at him until hoarse and exhausted. Somehow very healing.

Zed, I hope your dream helped heal your wound as well. Maybe your dream was a sign of unfinished business. How hard will it be to trust again?

Take care all -- Lena

January 17th, 2009, 04:05 PM
( Per Kid: What's with the deleted posts?)

The deleted posts are due to a picture I was trying to post in response to a phrase St J
posted but I couldn't iron the computer kinks out! I struggle with Shutterfly too. Keep welcoming me to the 21st century~~

January 17th, 2009, 04:08 PM
Lena, thanks for sharing the mom stories!

January 17th, 2009, 04:57 PM
Warning modders and lurkers.
Sometimes when I'm catching up on the posts the first one catches my eye and I respond to it. Then when I read all of the others I feel foolish for having ignored you all! Pls never take it personal - just understand that that's how I read all of these posts sometimes.
So...to address many of you!
Delta Moon (formerly St. John). Love the new name.
Peri: I can totally relate to the tragic story of the classmate. Very sad. There's a saying that crosses my mind when I hear stories like this..."But for the grace of God there go I!". My first husband actually died of alcohol poisening (after we were divorced). Scary to think of what my drinking life would have been like should we have remained together. We were toxic.
DeeBee-Always good to hear from you.
Zed- I LOVE karaoke - have fun.
Lenaleed - what is sinclair? Another help group for addiction? Share a little info when you have time time.
Don't have time to address everyone but you're ALL in my thoughts.
Have a great day and a careful and thought out night!

January 17th, 2009, 06:44 PM
Just finished catching up with all the posts, and want to respond before the chicken roast is done!! It's been a busy time in Vera-land but so good to read all of your news. St. John, I love your new name. Delta Moon sounds so young, so current, so musical. I can see you performing at a folk festival. Zed, I can barely imagine any woman breaking your heart. When I was single (many, many moons ago) I didn't know many men who had the ability to express themselves as beautifully as you. You know the response from Vera? She's the loser here. Yep, her loss. Feel sorry for her, and God bless your new partner. She sounds like she's worthy. Eve, you write so beautifully. I love reading your posts - they are so open, honest, hopeful and smart. You are one of the main reasons I keep up with this site - I'd miss the wonderful words you and Sun put out there on a regular basis. And Kid, it sounds like you're the "anchor" of your household - you go, guy!! Lila, sending all manner of positive vibes as you deal with all the cold and dark of the winter, and to the Deebs, I'm jealous that it's your summer. Don't mean to exclude anyone, just working on aging memory here. Hope you all have a wonderful week, and enjoy the inauguration as much as I expect to!!


January 18th, 2009, 10:20 AM
A soft place to land

'Morning All --

Yesterday for me was happily peppered with texts from my daughter, who is on a road trip to DC with her friend. I feel truly blessed that she shares. I'm having one amazing vicarious adventure.

Eve -- I sent you a pm about the Sinclair method. It is a hot -- and heated -- topic in the meds forum. I read and post there often.

I've come to view this thread is my refuge on this site. Soul food. Safety.

I visit and post on other topics to educate myself, and sometimes it's a jungle out there. I see many of you in other forums, so you know what I mean. Vigorous debate furthers wisdom, but it can be a bit draining. On occasion I pop in here quickly just to read a bit and get centered after I visit other forums.

I am so grateful for the generosity of spirit I find on this thread. Support without judgment. Sharing the journey with its joys, fears, successes, failures. Life's daily pleasures and foibles.

A soft place to land.

Take care all -- Lena

January 18th, 2009, 02:27 PM
hi all -
Peri, so nice to see you back! I was wondering where you were...
St. John/Delta Moon, I thought you were a man, too, a long time ago. I think the new name is pretty. Reminds me of summer. I went to New Orleans once. It really was a fun vacation.
Sara, thanks for sharing your dreams. They can be so powerful. I have gotten a lot of guidance from dreams, and how intense yours are, I am sure it is telling you something.
Vera, yes, inaugeration!! Is it tomorrow? Monday? I will dig out the tv, set up the bunnyears and not miss this. Same went for election night. That was so exciting.
Eve, we should both take a class in Remedial Computer Stuff. I can't post links, download pictures, all that stuff that my kids can probably do as easily as breathe. Never too late to learn, though!
Zed, another great dream. What kind of boyfriend are you, I wonder? Maybe an invasive question, you can ignore this if it is, but I will probably start dating, you know, when I am ready, feeling settled and normal, so anytime you want to share more, go ahead!! Good to have a man's perspective!
Sunbeam, yes, the thirty days, that is a tradition here - the Sinclair method is different. I am going to look at that thread, sounds interesting. I remember someone not having a good experience with it, you never know what works. You, of course, are such an inspiration, being able to truly mod.
Kid, yes, nice to know you don't NEED it...
Ahhh! Not so cold out! Days are getting longer! I really can feel it.
happy Sunday modders!

Ask For Help
January 18th, 2009, 02:43 PM
Hi all:

Just checking in after a rather difficult week. Not happy with the numbers or frequency I've had to post on drink tracker, but today starts another week, and another chance to start over and regain the success I've achieved.

Very difficult triggers this week around Mother-daughter issues: learned last weekend that my 14y/o was hiding info from me, so had to up the oversight this week, which meant leaving work to be home w/ her after school.That took adjusting my schedule at work, which is OK for now, as I work my a** off and am appreciated there. But meant lots of limit setting and therefore resistance from DD. At one point she threatened to leave to go stay (live) at another family's house.

I've been calm towards daughter (who calls me the "worst mother ever"), but I'm really feeling hurt and upset. I have talked on the phone with my friends several times this week for support, but have felt hemmed in and a bit trapped, missing my usual "day off" and time to recharge my batteries. So have looked to AL for my "treat" a couple of evenings, which I really do enjoy, but I so don't want to go there. So I have to get back to exercise, and "me" time and balance instead of giving it all away to the kid and work.

She is off to her Dad's for a day and a half and I have to make the best of it. We got another 6" of snow, so a little XC ski is on my afternoon agenda, then a movie with a friend tonight.

Thinking of you all!


January 18th, 2009, 03:02 PM
My good wishes to all. Thank you for another intelligent and thoughtful week. I love visiting this thread.

January 18th, 2009, 06:26 PM
Thank you all for this thread it is really helping me a newbie......

January 18th, 2009, 07:15 PM
Hi everybody,
Kid, we watched a 60's movie this afternoon called Catbaloo. It had a Kid Shaleen character in it. Thought of you, or course. The movie was really hokey, starring a very young Jane Fonda, and Dwane Hickman (remember Dobie Gillis?)

The weather has warmed back up enough so I could go out on my snowshoe walk today. There is a lovely view of the valley from the top of the hill.

January 18th, 2009, 09:39 PM
Yes!! Cat Ballou! She's mean and evil through and through! A very sixties, camp cowboy black comedy. Saw it at the drive-in w/ my mom and sister when I was a little kid. (Sara I do have many warm mom memories too). I think Lee Marvin got the academy award for playing Kid Shilleen, the drunk bounty hunter. Jane Fonda was a sort of 60's cowgirl feminist heroine. I have never been a western fan, but I have watched bits of it on late-night reruns because it puts me right back there. Kid, I knew your name sounded familiar. 'Night, all -- Lena

January 19th, 2009, 01:03 AM
Booklvr123-WELCOME!! Always love to see a new name.

Lena: Thx for the pm about Sinclair

Tawnyfrog-Hello! Keep dropping by!

Ask: I so understand the young teen thing! Very challenging. We have a sweet boy (almost 13) but we're getting little challenges here and there. PM me anytime if you want to talk teen.

Lila: Yes I could use a quick computer class with some of this stuff. Bit by bit I'm getting it but it's a lot of work at times.

VeraB: The whole inauguration story with DD sounds so great. Keep us posted.

Zed: Saw the most AWESOME movie filmed in India with most or all Indian actors entitled
"Slumdog Millionaire". Would recommend that film to everyone and anyone! Fantastic writing, acting, EVERYTHING!! Go see it everyone.

Peri, Sun, Delta, Kid, Lila - everyone who posts and has posted here this week - have a great night and a wonderful new AF or mod control week this new week!

January 19th, 2009, 08:20 AM
Folks - no time to stop right now. I just caught up, but I'm running off for a short bike ride before the fitness center closes. Already 9.15PM... have 45 mins to break into a sweat. More later. I wanted to share with you all a little story I wrote from memories of my trip back home over Christmas. Cheers.

On the spur of the moment (literally), I took a train down to Goa on the 30th night, at midnight, arriving 31st at lunch time. I didn't have a ticket but I paid off the TC in the corridor at 3am and he was happy. A family of four, a young couple with 2 girls, one about 5 and the other about 2 and a half, had 3 berths and they gave me the third one, just like that. I said, "no it's ok, I'll get a berth, I'll manage it's ok" but they insisted, saying "the girls won't sleep separately anyway..". They snuggled up, mum with the elder girl, dad with the baby... and slept.. why they'd gotten 3 berths in the first place, I don't know. Perhaps they knew I was coming.

Panjim, Dona Paula, and new years at a beach house on Anjuna. I sat there on the beach as people swam and tranquilly walked by, it was about 6.30 in the evening, I just sat there alone for a while, and I watched the sun set in front of me. Looking back, it was one of the most beautifully, amazing minutes of all the countless beautifully, amazing minutes in my life. The light was golden, there was nothing but the sound of the waves and people laughing.. the sea breeze and the blue sky in twilight as it set over the Arabian Sea... I looked west just the same way I have done since I was a boy, looking out at the sea in Bombay for as long as I can remember, and I thought of all the places I have visited... west. And then I looked back behind me, and I thought... I have been east too.

Never thought I would go east, somehow, except maybe to Calcutta. And then I looked north-east, and over the coconut groves and past all the red mud earth, I saw China.

At 4 in the morning I went to the airport to catch a 7am flight on the 1st back to Bombay. A short trip home, and not much time to hang around anywhere for too long. That's how it is.

In the hurry to catch the train I hurriedly packed a change of clothes and that was it, and I forget to take any ID with me. I expected that getting into the airport and on to the plane would be more difficult than it was. Luckily everyone was as sleepy as I was.

The last time I made it to Goa was in the monsoon of 2000. I'd just returned from NYC and soon after that I went to work in the tea mountains of Kerala for 2 years.. and then I was off again and busy traveling the world, with any trips home being too short (4 days... a week at most) to go anywhere. I just wanted to stay in Bombay and savour friends, family... the familiarity of street corners, of old faces... being home.

In Bombay outside my high school the beggar who's been sitting there ever since I can remember, the man who has leprosy and moves about on the road on a little wooden plank with 4 aluminum wheels... he recognized me as I walked past him... we looked at each other and his eyes lit up... he said, "Baba!!" I waved back.

In my school I met the woman who used to clean the toilets, she was young then, now she is old and a bit bent, she smiled at me and said hi. So many people remember. I remember so little, maybe because I have so much to remember. But maybe everybody does have so much to remember, not just me, everyone has a million memories, even my little cousin who is 14 years old and who goes to J.B. Petit Girls' School in Fort, Mumbai, and who just adores me for some reason, even she does.

Maybe we were all born with a million memories and maybe we die only with the memory of being born, finally.

January 19th, 2009, 10:16 AM
[QUOTE=zed;523983Maybe we were all born with a million memories and maybe we die only with the memory of being born, finally.Zed,
Awesomely beautiful story. Thanks for sharing.
When my precious adopted son was around 3 years old he looked at me and said "I missed you when I was in heaven".
We always tell our boys their souls picked us to be their parents even though they weren't created from our bodies.
I REALLY believe that! A million memories...yes, yes, yes.
Love you Zed and all my mod squad buds

January 19th, 2009, 10:18 AM
zed;523983 wrote: Maybe we were all born with a million memories and maybe we die only with the memory of being born, finally.Zed,
Awesomely beautiful story. Thanks for sharing.
When my precious adopted son was around 3 years old he looked at me and said "I missed you when I was in heaven".
We always tell our boys their souls picked us to be their parents even though they weren't created from our bodies.
I REALLY believe that! A million memories...yes, yes, yes.
Love you Zed and all my mod squad buds

January 19th, 2009, 10:23 AM
I love these posts, Eve that is amazing. Zed, have you ever read that book Goa Freaks? Just that it is, of course set in Goa....
Lena, how is the Sinclair method going? Your daughter should be in DC now, huh?
Maybe all this dream talk is getting to me - I had so many vivid dreams last night...

January 19th, 2009, 10:32 AM
That's beautiful Eve... you are SO lucky, and so are your boys. Love you too.