Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon when the call came. I had been assured by the other two judges and
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, besides, they
told me I could have free "sweet tea" during the tasting, so I accepted. Here
are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor.
Very mild. FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the heck is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two glasses of tea to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK:
Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more tea when they saw the
look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless
chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've
located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more tea before I ignite.
Waitress pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of
my chest. I'm getting sick from all the tea!
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE
TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 400 lb.mama is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing,
sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring tea
directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that waitress
Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susie's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears
to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to
match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4 inch hole in my stomach!
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This
final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on
top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how
he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon when the call came. I had been assured by the other two judges and
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, besides, they
told me I could have free "sweet tea" during the tasting, so I accepted. Here
are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor.
Very mild. FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the heck is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two glasses of tea to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK:
Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more tea when they saw the
look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless
chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've
located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now; get me more tea before I ignite.
Waitress pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of
my chest. I'm getting sick from all the tea!
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE
TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 400 lb.mama is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing,
sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring tea
directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that waitress
Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susie's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears
to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to
match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4 inch hole in my stomach!
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This
final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on
top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how
he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
...Judie
zwink:
:h
Comment