Hopeful and scared

[Jeffr]

I really mean it this time.

I don't know how many times I've said that to myself. Well, there's tonight... and last Sunday, and... Too many times to remember.

Whilst my history hasn't been full of the horrors I have read/heard, drinking has been a constant companion for the greater part of my adult life. It has affected my relationships to the extent that I am on the verge of losing the most important person in my life, and that scares me.

I detest (thats not too strong a word) my inability to moderate this. If I start to drink I often just carry on until there's none left, be it a bottle of wine or a bottle of gin.

I am a secret drinker and I detest the secrecy. It has made me two people and I yearn to be whole and free.

Two years ago my adopted mother drank herself to death and yet I persist.

I recently approached my doctor for help who pointed me in the direction of a "day cente" to get detoxed and advised I contact AA. There were problems with his course of treatment - 1. I am not physically dependent or at least I suffer no withdrawals should I cease drinking so why would I need a detox? and 2. My business would evaporate PDQ if it were known I had been hanging out at the "day centre." I have experience of AA - I attended for a while and though I didn't drink I really couldn't reconcile much of its message with either my own experince or better judgement.

So, at least as far as the local medical profession is concerrned, for me there is no treatment, no help other than AA. Which is why I was so heartened to come across this site and you and your stories.

My plan is to abstain while I learn a bit more about all this.

[Sweaty Betty]

Hopeful and scared

Hi Jeff, welcome. Keep reading and posting. B.

[cyclefan]

Hopeful and scared

Hi Jeffr and welcome to MWO. There are some great resources here to help you get a plan that will help you achieve the goal you set for yourself. As you know already though, no magic bullet.

Let us know how we can help you. The My Way Out book is a good first step. Reading the different threads on this site are also a good way to get started here. Best wishes in your journey to sobriety.

[Angelcakes]

Hopeful and scared

Welcome Jeffr. Congrats on posting your thoughts/fears...it's a big step.
MWO is a programme also involving meds, supplements, hypotherapy, exercise, diet & contact with others here...take or leave what you think will work for you to help you abstain. You can get the full run down in the MWO book - it's a good start & will help you see how the programme works, and how you can make it work for you.
I do the programme without the meds and find it really helpful in understanding my condition & reducing cravings.
Angel xo

[ezzmae]

Hopeful and scared

Welcome jeff. Abstaining for a while is a great idea. Moderating is a really difficult thing to do, because as drinkers we don't want to stop at out limit. As betty said keep reading and posting. I don't use medication but plenty of members here do who will be able to give you advise on what to take. Good luck.

[Angelcakes]

Hopeful and scared

cross posted cyclefan - but good advice!!!

xo

[Jeffr]

Hopeful and scared

Thanks all

Reminds me... I asked my doc (another doc) for naltrexone a few years back and was refused point blank - only ok if you're addicted to opiates I was told. I'm not sure whether thats the way I want to go this time but I'm very grateful to have some options open to me.

[startingover]

Hopeful and scared

Welcome Jeff, you have been given some great advice so far. For me too it was such a relief to not feel so alone when I found this place. For me its the supplements Kudzu and Lglutamine that help my cravings plus the fantastic support I get from everyone here.
Keep on posting, it really does help.

[johnnyh]

Hopeful and scared

HI Jeff,

a very warm welcome to you. I (and all of us) fully understand what you are going through. I too had several half hearted attempts to quit in the past until I came here and decided to take the bull by the horns. I hear what you say about the AA, it is not for everyone. My dad went a couple of months and due to him being atheist found it difficult to really fit in. Though he said the support was awesome, he just could not relate to the spiritual side of the AA.

The MWO forum is a great place to come as you are completely anonymous and get all thesupport you need.

with regards to docs, I know what you are saying, keep looking for a doctor until you find someone you can fully trust and you might change your mind with regards to docs in general.

I used to go to a medical centre to a particular doctor who I liked but would have never been able to fully trust, partially because my entire family went to teh same doc. I always used to see another doctore when there wo was clearly gay and free spirited (sorry, this is not meant to be anti gay/lesbian). He seemed very upbeat and I thought that I would be able to trust him. I thought that he might understand a bit better about my problems, etc. as homosexuals as well as alcoholics are often put into a similar corner in society in terms of integration, not being fully accepted, etc.
I booked an appointment with him and found that he was indeed very trustworthy and ever so understanding. I did not get straight to my drinking problems with him but first consulted him about my depressions. (see my story for more details) but found a couple of weeks later that I was ready to let him know.

again he was so understanding, congratulating me on coming forward and willing to help me in any way and described me Antabuse.

Point of my story above??? --- Sometimes you just have to keep looking, you will find the right doctor, he will understand you . I am just highlighting this again, as there have been many people in this forum who have experienced similar problems in terms of their docs being negative towards thier coming forward and prescirbing drugs.

Anycase, good luck and keep posting.

[matthen]

Hopeful and scared

Hi Jeff :welcome:

I am very glad that you found us here on MWO. My attempts to quit drinking are similar to yours. I even once stopped for 4 years and another time for 1 year. This time I am AF (alcohol free) for 8 months. It took me 8 years of stop and go drinking before I made it to this 8 months AF. There were times I was completely discouraged.

What is interesting is that this time I found MWO while I was still drinking and it seemed to give me a life line. I just kept working the site and one day I was AF for 3 days and another time I was AF for 7 days, etc. Sober or not, I continued to work MWO. The support here is wonderful; the people really care. Eventually, I sent away for the antabuse through the site. And finally, I talked to my own doctor about my drinking and he gave me an antabuse prescription.

The most important thing I learned about myself (or admitted about myself) finally is that I can not drink one drink ever. All I want is another........and another. And I am right back where I started.

So please let us know how you are doing. Being in touch with you helps us too, very much. Talk soon, good luck and God bless.

[aprilmoon]

Hopeful and scared

Welcome Jeff!!!!

You've come to the right place for support. Read and post. Just jump right in and you will meet so many people going thru the same thing you are going thru.

I am/was a closet drinker too. My husband knew, but none of my family or friends knew I even drank much less to the extent I did.

[stepintime]

Hopeful and scared

Jeff, are you from the UK by any chance?
I had all the problems you mention. I also was refused naltrexone on the grounds it was for 'opiate abuse' .. and "did I have THAT too?"

Johnny is right. You have to keep switching doctors until you find one who is prepared to take you seriously, and not keep 'fobbing' you off cuz they don't want to take the risk of issuing meds, to someone who may not be capable of handling them responsibly.
Ask for recommendations from friends/colleagues, for decent GP's. That's what I did.

I finally found a superstar. fully supportive of my efforts, albeit with a tough love approach. I am now on antabuse and 19 days sober.

I wish you all the best

[johnnyh]

Hopeful and scared

Well done Step. 19 days is awesome, Antabuse is a great tool, isn't it?!!!