How did I let this get so out of control

[Beaches]

I am not sure what was the catalyst but last Nov around Thanksgiving is when I can remember that my drinking got seriously out of hand. I was visiting a relative and watching my daughter in a jacuzzi at their house, slipped, fell off the step and hit my head. I thought that would have done it for me...nope. I continued on and then in April I was totally disgusted with myself when I started drinking at 11am to get over a hangover and ended up drunk at a kids stage production. Writing this I feel my heart pounding and know that if I ever heard another mother tell this story I would think...oh my god what is she doing or even something worse. I have three children under the age of 4. I have always drank and am in my late 30's. I just don't remember having to have a drink. I literally feel myself getting tense, anxious and a stomach ache when I haven't had a drink.
I found this website awhile ago and ordered the supplements and book. I am hoping that this time around I can make a change in my life. I hate being tired at work and forgetting parts of entire conversations at home. My husband works late so I load up before he walks in the door at 8pm. He has never said a word to me about my behavior so it makes me wonder if he's in denial himself, given up or if I really can pull this off. I get very quiet and don't say much so that I don't sound ridiculous. Not that this makes it any better but my kids are asleep pretty early so I can stay in control while they are awake.
I have been trying to figure out what is so damn stressful in my life that makes me need to have a drink. Realistically I have a pretty damn good life with a good husband, great kids etc. What is my problem????

Thanks for letting me rant.

[Mackeral]

How did I let this get so out of control

Hello Not Powerless,
I know how hard it is and how guilty you feel when there are young children involved, but the good thing is your here now and you want to do something about it. Your children are still young and that is a good thing, my eldest is 12 and the thought of her seeing and understanding some of the states i was getting in eventually shamed me into doing something. i did'nt want to scar the poor girl for life.
If you stick around here your gonna meet a lot of supportive like minded people. This place has helped me get through the hardest nights ( 1 nights drinking out of the last 82 ) and thats mainly down to people here with their advice support and encouragment.....And also a good wife...You having a good husband will help you too..
I hope to see you around here from time to time and wish you all the luck in the world......Mackeral:welcome:

[Beaches]

How did I let this get so out of control

Mackeral,
Thanks for your words of encouragement. I am tired of beating myself up on a daily basis about this so it's time to do something. I work for a human services agency as a supervisor and need to get it together for my staff as well as my family. I don't feel effective on the job or at home really. My oldest son has autism and I need to be at the top of my game to make sure he gets what he needs.
I look forward to talking with people. I need it because no one in my family talks about it. Not a word.

[chrisnewbeginning]

How did I let this get so out of control

Not Powerless:
You are not alone, I too have a young child (5 years old) and a wonderful husband. He works late, so I understand the alone time after 5pm, you are taking care of kids, you are tired after working all day and you just want to get numb. It is a bad cycle that we all need to break. I just started the MWO program "officially" yesterday, got all my stuff together, need to definetly change my habits. Do it for you, no one else. You can learn to take care of yourself and love yourself enough to be healthy. I keep saying the same things to myself.
Christine

[Deborah]

How did I let this get so out of control

Not Powerless:
I'm in the same boat and it feels good to know I'm not alone. I have two children and a great husband just like you and I really want to change my ways. Maybe with the support of mwo and our family we will pull out of this nightmare. Your in my prayers.

Deborah