My husbands drinking is becoming disturbing andlooking for some advice

[s.indigo]

Hi I have been looking around these pages for a few weeks now hoping to get some tips and now I feel ready to post. I hope you have some helpful info/advice.

My husband has been drinking heavily for several years it had less impact on us as a family initially as he tended to do so at night when we were all asleep and as he is still very functional work wise. At that time it was worrying for me but not having a dramatic effect on our kids. However in the last 6-10 months his drinking has dramatically worsened he is getting drunk during the day and sometimes though very occasionally and less severely when he is meant to be the one watching our kids as I work part time. They are both now very aware of when daddy gets drunk or has too much and are beginning to find it distressing.

He has just had two bad nights and last night he was so drunk he began hallucinating it was early evening, we all came back from work and classes and he was completely unaware of time and place he was yelling at at something/someone he thought was there in the kids room while the kids were in there and of course they were very distressed by this. I calmed them down and fortunately I had someone with me who sat with them and kept them occupied whilst I tried to get him to go and lie down and sleep it off. He kept getting up one minute yelling at the people under the bed and then next as calm as anything asking me if I am ok and whats my problem. He was flailing about all over the place swearing and calling for me to help him get rid of the two people watching him beside the bed it was very disturbing to watch. He would be very distressed at one point and near comatose the next I find when he is drunk it is best not to argue with him as he gets quite verbally aggressive he will call me names and be very nasty he doesn't get purposely violent but you can see he is seething with self pity and anger and he just becomes poisonous.We have had stuff kicked and thrown doors slammed off their hinges and he has kicked me once in a half dreaming state.

I try to not nag him about his drinking he complains it is all I talk about I try to just tell him about what he does when drunk and how it affects me and the kids.He has when a bit drunk admitted he has a problem and even asked me to get him info on getting help however he is always not so interested the morning after. He always says sorry about what he has done but then goes and does the same thing over. He has even visited this site after I showed him the link he was interested in moderating and feels he could do so and he did try to control his drinking with little success.

Ok so here is why I am here this is now beginning to have a real negative impact on the kids my oldest fortunately is very expressive and can talk her feelings through about this however she is a real coper and I worry about how this affects her more long term.
My youngest is less expressive but has made some comments about daddy being mean when he is drunk and how she doesn't like it.

I love my husband dearly and I want us to stay together I want this to work out and I want to be there for him however I am concerned about the kids and whether going on like this is the right thing to do. I know I cannot change him the change must come from him he needs to have the desire himself.

Moving out is very difficult we live overseas away from family my income is not enough to get us a place. I dont feel able to confide with anyone about these problems I would feel I was letting him down.

Please can you give some advice experiences also these hallucinations are concerning me does anyone have any exp of that.

Thanks in advance s.indigo.

[Jandal]

My husbands drinking is becoming disturbing andlooking for some advice

S.Indigo - this is not the right thing for the kids. I know because my mum stayed with my alcoholic abusive father and I learned so much as a result. Not only am I now battling the alcohol demon but I am also disfunctional when it comes to relationships.

I understand your dilemma as it wasn't that long ago when i was living overseas away from my family and needing to leave my miserable marriage and not having many options.

But, do you realise you are making lots of excuses for your husband? I understand you love him but I also think you are very frightened because this situation is so far out of control. He is not doing right by you or your children and you need to face up to the fact that for all of his good points he has this very ugly side that will destroy not only himself but you and your family along with it if he allows it to continue. If he chooses to continue not to do anything about his behaviour, you will have to give him tough love. I don't know if its at all possible but you may need to see if you can return to your own country with the children for a while. If you can't go home, is there a possibility you can go away somewhere with the children but without him? It may be enough of a wake up call for him to do something about his drinking if he works out he could lose it all if he doesn't.

[s.indigo]

My husbands drinking is becoming disturbing andlooking for some advice

Thanks for such a prompt reply. I appreciate your advice and it is good to get the perspective of others.
I realise what your saying and it is a survival instinct to make excuses.
Leaving at the moment is pretty tough I dont really want to leave and when things are good they are very good he is my soul mate. However I will go if there is violence or extreme verbal abuse. At the moment I feel that walking out would be counter productive.
We had a long break just a week or so ago when the kids and I were visiting family he found it very hard and missed us badly, He was actually quite depressed. He is a great dad and my kids love him dearly. But if there is another blow out I think a break maybe needed.
We all sat down with him today and the kids told him how it made them feel which was tough for him he didn't want to hear much from me I guess it is tough to hear. It was a very short conversation but he got the message.
He knows and admits he has a problem he is not wanting to go into AA or anything like that but he has talked about counselling through work so I am hoping he is in a transitional phase with this.
Am I deluding myself maybe, but I will watch and wait a little longer.
Thanks again s.indigo

[Gold]

My husbands drinking is becoming disturbing andlooking for some advice

Hi s.indigo,

It must be so hard to see someone you love treating themselves in this way, and it takes a strong person to try to help in a constructive way as you are.

I've not had the same experiences as your husband whilst drinking and hopefully someone will come along who can offer you some better advice.

The thing that crossed my mind is whether the hallucinations are due only to the alcohol. I mention this because my father was diabetic and sometimes he would have a hypo or hyper (I can't remember the difference) and behave as you describe your husband behaving, including hallucinations. This only really happened when he drank. Perhaps your husband could be persuaded to have a health check at least to eliminate any other potential factors.

I hope your husband will decide he wants to put drinking behind him

[Jandal]

My husbands drinking is becoming disturbing andlooking for some advice

Hi s.indigo. That was good for the kids to tell him how they feel when he's drinking - my daughter did the same thing to me and it was a wake up call, trust me. The hardest thing for those of us with a booze problem is to admit to it so I do understand where your husband's head is at there. But as Gold says, he may have a medical condition that is exacerbated when he drinks. The sugar in the alcohol will go nuts with his body if he is diabetic and he has to understand that if he chooses to ignore it it could kill him. (and Gold, hyper is to go faster, hypo is like going to sleep).

You know what, even though my dad was a mean and abusive alcoholic, when he was sober I liked being with him and I learned so much from him and most importantly I never stopped loving him. The booze eventually killed him but he was elderly when he passed so he managed to get through life although the quality was shite in his later days - and my poor mother had to carry the load. But now I like to think he's in a better place and making up for his crap by watching over us all. Don't be fearful about your kids relationship with your husband as time can be a great healer, but he needs to understand that if he doesn't get his shit sorted out soon they will lose all respect for him - that's probably already started now.

He also needs to realise that this is one of the hardest things to try to overcome because you really are fighting your own demons and no-one else can get inside your head and tell you how best to do it for you, although on this forum everyone has been in the same place and can tell you how to get through it.

If he is serious about dealing with the issue he needs to harden up and decide on one thing that will probably go a long way - no booze in the house. You're not to buy it or allow him to drink at home. If he is using it as an excuse to unwind at the end of a hard day he needs to find something else - as much as everyone moans about it, any form of exercise helps as the endorphins kick in and give you a release. See what he thinks. If he's serious about helping himself, he should give it a shot.

[1967]

My husbands drinking is becoming disturbing andlooking for some advice

hi.
i just did a little internet search....

Hallucinations when you got drunk?

Alcohol is a neurotoxin that affects the brain in a complex manner through prolonged exposure and repeated withdrawal. Alcohol-related psychosis, including in many cases hallucinations, is often an indication of chronic alcoholism.

[savon19]

My husbands drinking is becoming disturbing andlooking for some advice

S. Indigo - Are you able to talk w/yr. husband when he's sober? Is he able to admit he has a problem? If so, is he willing to get some help?

Hallucinations are not a good sign!

Can you go to counseling?

[dizzle]

My husbands drinking is becoming disturbing andlooking for some advice

Hi S.Indigo,
I hope you will listen to me. Don't wait 16 years like I did. Please. I KNOW how you feel, I have been am in almost back in that same situation. I lived years of this angry drunk man, who always felt bad afterwards, apologised to the kids all the time too. I honestly don't know why I put up with it as long as I did. I guess, like you, I really loved him and I knew he would not survive on his own. However, one day after a particularly nasty drunken bout, in the middle of the afternoon (it used to be just nites, but you know how it is... it always gets worse and eventually he will drink before he goes to work too, and yes my husband functioned at work, always went to work even if he had just got home or just finished drinking. He was what was known as a 'functioning alcoholic') anyway, he got so angry and so scary just the look on his face sent me absolutely beyond terrified. It was then I knew I had to leave. I have 4 children, one was only 6 months old. I had no family support in NZ as my family is in Australia. But I did it. I told him the next morning when he woke up and he knew he had gone too far and accepted I was leaving and taking the kids. Ok, a few months pass, he has been on a constant bender, and one day he woke up and didn't know where he was or where the kids were. He realised he had a problem, FINALLY. Eventually he went to rehab, got clean, begged for his family back, and I agreed to give him another go. It had been nearly a year. My point is, at the moment, your husband has nothing to lose. He knows you wont leave, so has no real reason to give up the drinking. My husband only stopped because he realised what he had lost. He would NOT have realised that had we not separated. Not at all. And now, he is beginning to drink again and lying about it. I have told him I will try and support him and that together we will get thru this. He said he was afraid I would leave him and that is why he lies about it. I assured him I wouldn't (dumb) and that he just has to tell the truth and we will sort it. Wrong. I am totally convinced that he is drinking again because he believes I won't leave him. So now I have to make another major decision again. To leave or not to leave. Tell me, what would you do now in my situation?? Seriously, you and I must be similar, so what do you think??

[Determinatrix]

My husbands drinking is becoming disturbing andlooking for some advice

I waited 10 yrs for my husband to get sober. He has been sober now for 1 yr and 6 mos. It was worth the wait.

We don't have children, and that makes my experience very different than yours.

I suggest counseling for the family as a whole. Once your husband has a firmer grasp on how he is affecting the kids, and some experience talking about this issue with a stranger, maybe he will be ready to do something on his own. Wait until he is sober-ish, make an appointment, inform him that you need him to be apart of this, drive together. Be loving and firm. Ask your kids to write a short letter to dad previous to this about how they feel, maybe.

He won't do anything different for very long unless he commits. That will be up to him.
I do notice that with most over-drinkers that there is a period after the drunk that they seem serious with their intentions of getting sober. That would be a good time to make an appointment.

He may fall down a few times before fully committing. This is a new lifestyle he is learning and you have to let him make his mistakes.

You don't claim any abuse, just that the kids think he is mean sometimes. We are all mean sometimes, so I'm not sure that is a big deal, though not preferred. But he should be made aware that things are intensifying and you want a different path.

Don't give up hope, yet don't live every breath hoping. It's a fine balance. It's not easy.

:welcome:

[Celtic Woman]

My husbands drinking is becoming disturbing andlooking for some advice

s.indigo, I too have been in your situation. It is so easy to 'soften' the edges of the issue when we love someone and try to protect them from disapproval. But, you have to face up to the very real dangers of this situation for yourself and the children.

For me,(my story is under the 'Five young kids & my wife of 15 years is struggling with alcohol' thread)the realisation that he was endangering us all was slow to hit. i should have gotten away from him before this time, but luckily no major harm was done. As much as I loved my man I had a duty to protect my children from his behaviour.

I suggest you tell close family members of your dilemma and enroll their much needed support. This isn't a betrayal, this is you helping your husband to build a support network and also gives you the support you and the kids may very well need in the future.

I do think you have to consider the option of supporting him from a safe distance. Kids have no concept of life beyond their own 'normality' and if his behaviour is disturbing for them then it is kinder to them to take them away from the situation.

I hope you find the courage to continue supporting him safely, and that you can find a way to make sure you get some calm too.

Celtic woman xx

[namaste]

My husbands drinking is becoming disturbing andlooking for some advice

s.indigo,
Have you looked into an alanon meeting in the area for yourself? It may be a way to meet some people that can give you some ideas to get some local support. Your husband sounds like he is open to some help if he was willing to look at the site or even talk about it. If he has any men friends that you could confide in to support you to try to get him some help, that might be more effective. It's harder for a man to hear that he is sick or has a problem from his wife, I think, than maybe someone else..you can try to focus on the hallucinations and ask him to see a doctor for that. Is there a family doctor that you can confide in.

The children are the most important thing. If you must take the children from the home and from him, I hope that he and they will know that it is out of love...that will help the family face the problem with less shame and pain. I thank God that my husband has loved and supported me through my problem. It has certainly given me the strength to try to heal.

Good Luck!
Namaste'

[namaste]

My husbands drinking is becoming disturbing andlooking for some advice

Is he willing to go to an AA meeting? He would meet men there as well. Since you are overseas and have limited physical support, you need a community or a church of some kind to support your family.
Just my opinion.
d

[Boss.man]

My husbands drinking is becoming disturbing andlooking for some advice

If he's in denial, grab a video camera and record him for a bit. Not sure if that will backfire, but it certainly will make him aware of what you are going through. Most small digital cameras can take a short video now.