september 16

[eustacia]

hey, all--

happy early saturday morning or happy afternoon to everyone east of america which, i know, becomes america again with enough patience.

one of my cats is stretched out on my lap, her warm throat again my wrist. my animals are so comforting.

i have lapsed from my own goal of only drinking when planned and, then, moderately. not that i've been running through the streets of the city drunk ,but i have used alcohol to mitigate distressing feelings. i guess things have been happening at such a rate that i haven't been able to post since tuesday. the short of it: a deeply beloved family member went into the hospital for something that didn't kill him this time but the problem is not going away and he isn't in the best shape because of age, the worst part of my job reared its ugly head and re-evoked a lot of pain, and my newest friend, a platonic friend, and i have had a misunderstanding that is so painful to both of us that he suggested that we put our friendship on the back burner for awhile. in fact, i might have antagonized him to the point where he will unilaterally decide to end our friendship. this has not yet happened in my life unless it happened when i was a child and i'm not remembering it.

on the other hand, i've got wonderful children, a wide circle of stable, long-lasting friendships, excellent relationships with my inlaws . . . things that count for a lot. so don't take my self-pitying too seriously . . .

my friends would be so surprised about my drinking, though. so in that, i am alone. except here. and for that i am profoundly grateful to everyone.

i visited chat tonight but it seemed that someone was in a lot of distress and i really didn't get the context of it before i started to rant about what was going on in my own life. i also fear that i might have wondered into an exclusive room. i really don't know the ropes around here yet. my apologies to those that whose privacy i invaded if that was the case. i really hope that the person who was hurting is ok; moreover, i hope that i just misinterpreted what was going on.

i can be such a selfish person. i was "invited" to appear at a demonstration sunday against the genocide and brutality in another part of the world and even though i cried over the news this morning when i read what was happening, i don't know if i'm feeling intact enough to go. yet i know that i should do my best to be there.

anyway, i'm going to take a valium, something that i haven't done in a long time, and knock myself out.

best, e

[Waves 2]

september 16

Hi Eustacia,

Don't be too hard upon yourself. It sounds like you have had a very stressful week. You are in a state of high emotion and it's natural to turn to your usual comfort ( as well as your animals). Don't go to the demo but don't feel guilty. You need a rest.:l Hope you feel better soon.
Waves 2

ps I have been looking back to posts past and found this posted by Saint Jude.

This is from the "Party Pants" book by Loretta LaRoche...

When the guilty chatter starts rattling around in your head, counter those voices with an assertive comeback. Say, "Look, I may have had some failures in life, but I'm a survivor. Some inner strengths got me to this place, and I'm sure they'll get me to even farther." Write down your stengths in your Joy Journal... and refer to the list often. :d

[eustacia]

september 16

thanks, waves . . .

i'm still here. obviously, the valium hasn't worked yet.

yes, animals are wonderful. i have six and i would have more if i didn't live in a city apartment!

i guess i keep sitting here thinking about what i can fix and what, realistically, is beyond my reach. i'm sure that i'm not the only person around here that struggles with that.

i can't fix the health of my beloved father-in-law, and i've known that for a long time.

i can't fix the sometimes bizarro interpersonal dynamics at work all by myself, and i've known that for a long time.

i can't take back that i've alienated my friend by telling him too much about my life, and i've got to get used to that . . .

without ending up in the drunk bin, i hope!:eeks:

e

[Guest]

september 16

E-
Chat was not it's usual self today, and you did NOT pop into an exclusive room at all! Always feel free to go in. Sometimes when there are a lot of people on and they already have conversations going, it's too much to keep up with. And today was especially difficult because of some issues with a few people....ugh.
Anyhow, chat is usually a great place to get to know people and talk out some frustrations or just laugh a bit.
Hope you start feeling better.

[eustacia]

september 16

thanks so much, becca--

i was really worried that i had somehow wondered into a private conversation.

:flower: e

[eustacia]

september 16

still sleepless here . . . but good morning, everyone:egad:

e

[Guest]

september 16

I was up really early too when I posted that earlier one! Had gotten up at 4am with CRAMPS was really upset because it's group run morning. Texted my running coach at 5:30 that I was going back to bed. I'm useless on day 2 of monthly. Useless. So I missed the long run today, and that makes me grouchy. To look on the bright side, I'll rest again today, I WILL do Race for the Cure tomorrow (5K), and reschedule the long run for mon. Shouldn't put me off schedule.
I hate being a girl sometimes and told hubby so this morning. He said "well, that may cause some problems cuz I kind of want to be married to a girl". Guess even after the nasties he still likes me or maybe just girls in general:H .
Anyhow, lots of family stuff planned today. Rugby and football.
Did drink over my plan last night. Was WAY to grouchy because of the whole chat crap (was on for 4 HOURS... I don't wanna talk about it anymore). Had 5 glasses (is that what we decided a bottle was? well, I drank the bottle between about 4pm and 10pm, then switched to fuze and water!).
That's first night over plan this wk, and I don't intend on it happening again! Well, today is official last day of my week, so that's good. Minimal chance of screwing up.
Today plan: no more than 3 again. That's an OK Sat. plan for me.
If I miss the 5K tomorrow for anything other than reason of being DEAD, someone come shoot me anyway.
Love,

[Waves 2]

september 16

Race for the Cure tomorrow (5K), Becca, Do you mind me asking cure for what?

[Guest]

september 16

Breast Cancer. Sorry, I should have said that! I won't miss it. Going to register right now.

[Waves 2]

september 16

Thanks. Just Googled and found info. Good for you.

[lushy]

september 16

What, no mention of muffins? What is wrong with the world this morning? E, sorry you are having a tough week. Has not been a good one for many of us it sounds like. Must be something in air. Yesterday was the first time I had done chat and there was a lot of stuff going on, it is hard to keep up if there are too many people in there, but it ended up being a lot of fun (and a big time taker upper; my family did not get dinner until almsot 8:00!!!). I feel sooo much better than I did yesterday morning. Still drank last night but not too horribly bad and I feel good this morning. I WILL NOT go through another day like yesterday. Period. Well, I look forward to hearing from the Mary's, Judie, Jen and whoever else I am foregetting. Becca, you shmuck, I am sorry you missed your run today. You will laugh but I had dreams last night about popcorn and intend on making some stovetop popcorn this afternoon. Good luck on your run tomorrow. You are inspiring me to make more of a change in the exercise department. I just know I must for my mental health and for the muffin top that has developed. Happy Saturday all!!! Big Hugs!!

[Waves 2]

september 16

HI Luscious M-----,I am so glad you are feeling better today. I was inspired to start exercise again after reading the book. I started with a walk. Then 20 steps run interspersed every now and again. Upped to 20 steps run 20 steps walk. 30 run 20 walk etc... (only over a short distance mind) But it seems to be building up. 20 steps run seemed hard a few weeks ago . Now I hardly notice it. Not likely to do a 5km for a while but hey you have to start somewhere.

Love Waves 2 x

Still not losing weight mind!!!!!

[eustacia]

september 16

:thumbs: becca--

that's such a wonderful cause! it sounds like you'll be ready to run tomorrow. i, too, used to have such horrific cramps that i underwent surgery twice to remove the mild endometriosis that was causing some of the pain. now i have a progesterone coated iud which for me has almost stopped the cramps because it tends to make one's periods so light.

my friend called me early today and ended our friendship. the reason he gave really shocked me. he told me that the level of candor and emotional intimacy we shared was making him fall in love with me . i'm very sad although i think that i was successful in not letting that on because i didn't want him to feel guilty. i'm sure that it was a hard phone call for him to make. fortunately, we had only known each other a couple of years. glad i have some valium on hand.

becca and everyone else have a wonderful day!:h

e

[lushy]

september 16

E, I take it you did not have the same romantic feelings for him??? I am sorry you lost a good friend......but good for him for having the courage to speak up.

[eustacia]

september 16

p.s. what are the muffins referred to on this board???